Cath

So, previously I wrote about how my exAB and I recently broke up bc of his drinking/cheating/depression blah blah and then he tried to kill himself. Anyway, I told my mom and dad because they are visiting here but weren't here when it happened. My sister and her husband knew bc they were already here and witnessed the whole thing, as his parents live across the street and his dad brought him over there after he tried to kill himself. My mom has totally lost it I think. Shes in panic mode. I understand because she is worried he will do something to me. I know this is a good possibility (even though nothing has happened with us before--physical abuse anyway), but at the current moment there are not a lot of options other than what I have already done...which is no contact, told his family to not contact me, change my alarm code at my house, told my friends to delete him off of facebook, block him on facebook, change my number...my parents are now helping me find somewhere to move to which is a huge mission, but most likely for the best.

Anyway,

My oldest sister just wrote me a huge email telling me what to do, to cut him off, "yelling" at me about all of this. Really I am so spent emotionally that I cannot deal with that right now. I told my mom that too before I talked to her...that I wanted to tell her, but I can't take a lecture at this current moment about my relationship with him. I am doing all I can to cut him off and move on, and my sister has yet to even call or anything, but heard from my family what had happened. I understand that she is just worried, but it really just makes me that much more upset that she is being this way. I don't want pity, but a little sensitivity for the next couple days would be nice, until I can wrap my head around everything that just happened...its only been TWO days.

Sorry this is long, just venting. I don't really know how to respond to her...any suggestions? Is it okay to not talk about it too much with her right now? How do I tell the rest of my family to keep it to themselves...since they are horrible at that? Im mad at my other sister for telling other people as well since I told her NOT to and she did anyway and didn't bother to tell me that she did that until I got this email. Its just not okay with me...am I being totally irrational?

Kittyboo

No, I don't think you're being irrational at all.
There are different people in our life for different things. Some people you just learn that they may not be the best one's to divulge your feelings to if they come back in a way that isn't productive for you.
Sometimes we need that slap in the face wake up talk....and sometimes we just don't!

I have 2 sisters, and one sister and I are very close, she tells me pretty much everything...her ex fiance started drinking and it has ruined their relationship, she has moved on. But I am always here to listen to her. When she talks to our other sister she gets much of the same reaction that you get from yours. There is little to no understanding, or empathy...she just can't relate and doesn't want to try.

So, my sister chooses not to discuss certain things with her. You have that right too.

Is there anyone in your family that you can go to as a confidant that won't talk about it with everyone? And I would tell your family just like that.."please keep this to yourself", and if they can't respect those wishes, you are not obligated to tell them anything.

Granted, i'm sure they are worried for you...you are their YOU. They love you and want you to be safe. Sometimes, people can go a bit overboard in trying to achieve this. I would try to sit down with them and have a rational calm conversation expressing your wishes. If that doesn't work.....then you are informed that that won't work.

Wish I could be more help!

Cath

Thanks Kitty... yeah that sounds a lot like my family...and I do need to tell them to keep it to themselves, but they are not good at doing that. I told my sister not to tell and she did anyway, which really makes me mad in itself. I told her I would tell people when I was ready, and she told anyway. She knows I'm mad but doesn't really seems to care. She only knows because she was here...I would have told her anyway, but still said not to tell. Its just infuriating sometimes. I just want some time to breathe, and I can't because the whole freakin' family is here all weekend...im just drained!!

I'm glad I'm not being irrational...I think I am just going to have to set more specific boundaries or something...this is hard.

LovetoLaugh

You're not being irrational at all!!! I'm having similar issues with my family. They love you and are worried about you and it all seems so obvious to them about what you should do.

I told both my sisters (One I'm very close to and can talk to, the other is very harsh, cut and dry type) and my mother that right now they needed to respect what I'm going through. Its a process. They need to trust that I am more aware than they are about what I need to do. I love them and appreciate the support but it is not helpful hearing how I should just do this or do that! It feels so judgemental and adds pressure to me.

I said that sometimes I may just want to vent, not have them solve my problem or tell me how horrible he is, just listen. If I want advice I will ask them for it. I told them if they're not able to understand that then I will stop sharing these things with them.

I think they got it as they made me promise that I would be honest with them if things got to be to much for me or if there was any kind of a safety issue.

I guess we're lucky to have people that care about us but when I feel that they're saying something that is upsetting to me, I remind them about our "deal"! Thats usually been enough for them to back off!!!

Can you talk to your family and try to explain what your feeling?

Linkmeister

Cath-My mom is coming to see me at Christmas time and as much as I love her, I have to set some boundaries when it comes to me and the exABF. I have already told her that anything to do with him I will deal with and she has no worries about running into him or him being at my house.

She asked me tonight if I had heard from him and I told her the bare bones of today's conversation - and while I do understand her care and concern for me, she has to understand the dynamics of this tangled relationship - the toll it has taken on me and that it has been just barely a week since I went no contact.

I heard the disapproval in her voice and she once again reiterated her adamant refusal to "meet him or have anything to do with him while she is here" - that part I get totally but she was on to me about her worry that we will get back together before she comes out because of one phone call and the fact that he does not have the willpower to "get better" which in turn will lead to ruined holidays.

In as calm and as rational a tone as I could muster, I told her that to worry about things that have not happened will drive her crazy and for me, to get through things one day at a time, to only think of the next 24 hours was the way that I was working through all of this. I understand her care and concern but she has to understand how hard a time this has been for me, that things don't just "heal" magically by pretending the other person didn't exist in my life.

I gave myself a pat on the back for responding this way instead of my usual defensive mode and I think I saw a bit of a shift with her as well. God Bless her, she's my mom and I love her but setting boundaries there sure takes a load off of my shoulder.

Cath

LovetoLaugh-- yes, I think I am going to have to talk to them about how I am feeling. It really would have been nice if my sister could have at least called instead of emailing me about it. My mom and dad want to go talk to his parents tomorrow about keeping us apart. I am 23 years old and feel like I am 5. I know they are just trying to protect me, but I think I should go talk to them about whats going to happen when he is out of the hospital. I simply want to know if he will be staying across the street from me or not. I do need to tell them to just respect my space and feelings right now.

Link--my mom is a lot like yours in that she worries about things that have not happened yet. I should maybe try telling her not to, like you did. I almost yelled at her at dinner because I was getting so frustrated.

I am concerned about the situation, and NO i don't want him living near me, but its all too much because my mom started looking for somewhere for me to live about 10 mins after I told her what happened. And all of this happened two days ago, and my family has been here the entire time. I can't breathe. I need to just have an honest conversation with them...

i really hate feeling so depressed and overwhelmed. I really don't want to move yet. I don't even know whats going to happen with the situation since last thing I heard was he may move back home, which is about ten states away. ughhhhh

<-- this is how I feel today.

naive

hi cath-

i am sure that they are well-meaning but it's very difficult to understand unless you have lived with an alcoholic.

can you ennumerate how they can help you? like this.

1. go scout out other locations without me and bring back photos of the ones you like
2. i want to go get my hair highlighted and cut. this would make me feel better. can you pay for it?
3. i want take out pizza and to watch forest gump tonight. can someone arrange that?
4. i want to take a long walk down the forest path by myself. it would help me if someone did the grocery shopping and stripped my bed.
5. i want to be alone all evening tonight so can all of you go out to dinner and a movie?

whatever it is that might make you feel better, try to communicate it to them.

hugs.
naive

Still Waters

I got blessed out by my AH's recovering A sister in an email. Not sure what "help" she was trying to give, but it didn't help at all. I ended up no longer communicating with any of his family about it at all.

ItsmeAlice

From your post:

I wanted to tell her, but I can't take a lecture at this current moment about my relationship with him. I am doing all I can to cut him off and move on. I understand that she is just worried, but it really just makes me that much more upset that she is being this way. I don't want pity, but a little sensitivity for the next couple days would be nice, until I can wrap my head around everything that just happened...its only been TWO days.


I think this is an honest and heartfelt response to her. Copy and paste your words back in a reply to her.

I think it's a typical, though not helpful, response for family to be frustrated, worried sick, angry, and feel helpless when this chaos is happening around their family member. They may not feel safe storming over there and taking out their anxst on your EX so they are directing it at you. I know you are going crazy yourself during this time and you are holding things together brilliantly I must say, but see if you can extend your family some emotional hand holding, too. They need to know that you are okay. Let them know that you are concerned and even fearful, but you are working to keep yourself calm and rational and if they can do the same, you will all get this past you together as a family.

If it's any help to know, my family went through some pretty wild emotional turns when I told them of my XABF's alcoholism and new onset of drug use. They were shocked that they didn't see anything up that point and were upset with me for keeping the secret. Over time, they began to circle the wagons and rally their support. They can be very judgemental when they think I'm making mistakes in life, but in time they let their judgements go and just rolled up their sleeves to help.

I think you're family will come around. It's only been a short while for this crisis to sink in for them as well.

Hang in there Cath!!!

Alice

Cath

Good ideas Naive...I might just have to do that for them to understand.

Cath

i'm going to lose it. They don't care what I say.The only way they know how to show they are is being being critical and judgmental. Of course my mom had taken upon herself to tell the entire family about my situation...even though I said don't. Then my dad and mom both give me a 30 min lecture on not contacting his family, saying that they don't think I can do it blah blah blah. I deleted all of their numbers, blocked everyone from facebook, etc. his dad even said they would stay away from me because they know thats what needs to happen. So...I don't know what else they want me to...then of course my mom brings this all up while we are at lunch and asks me why i am CRYING!? HELLLLLOOO i feel like i just had my whole life rearranged and taken apart and saw none of it coming. I just want them to leave me alone!!! I can't get away from them because they won't go away. I can't even sleep in my own room because my sister and her family are in there and I am staying in my roommates room. I really just want to crawl in a hole...