The gut-wrenching ...
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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The gut-wrenching ...
Yesterday I took care of some financial things and took steps closer to talking to a lawyer about divorce.
Things with my AH were just spiraling as fast as possible out of control.
Then my H got home at 8:30 last night, after not going to work yesterday. He claimed to have just returned from a park / lookout area we visited once, that's over an hour's drive away. He was crying, had a dozen roses and a bottle of our favorite wine with him, and said happy anniversary (it was the day before, we hadn't done anything).
As hard as I tried to not be affected by this, of course I was. As much as I know it was a desperate act to try to get me 'back' without having to do real work on the relationship or on himself, and without having to admit fault, blame or give up anything he wants... it's still hard.
I still wanted those flowers and that wine.
Then he said something that didn't affect me as much as it should have, he said he went there because he 'didn't want to live anymore' and wanted to end his life. I don't know about that, it seemed extreme. He was just asking his mom for money yesterday. Unless she ended up not sending it to him after all that, and then he realized he had neither her nor me, and this was his way to get one of us back on his side..... I don't know. Maybe I'm ridiculously cold hearted and uncaring, but after being toyed with this much, what can you believe??
I told him he needed to get help, that that was serious. He didn't say much. We ended up talking some, I told him what wasn't acceptable, that I deserved honesty and equal partnership, that I didn't want all these things we had because now I'm the only one paying for them and taking care of them, that I had let him lie to me and not stood up for myself over all these times because I never felt it would make a difference, but that now I know I deserve more. He was hurt, he listened, but he still didn't really do much. He apologized for saying mean things to me. But at the same time he justified spending a ton of money in the past two weeks, because 'we are fighting and i have to eat out, and go out and i've been smoking more'. Not good enough, i said.. money doesn't magically appear out of nowhere because we are having marital issues. It has to be made, saved, and paid to bills.
He got frustrated that I kept telling him he had lied to me and I only wanted honesty. He started screaming again because he was so frustrated that I wouldn't believe him. He's still lying, it's not good enough. I said don't worry about it, I just think we are on different paths. Crying again.. etc.
He asked what he had to do, said he would give me full control of the finances, etc. I don't even know what that means anymore.
Eventually we just watched tv, sat next to eachother. We hugged a couple times and he did sleep in the bed next to me. I admit it was nice, but not as nice as a real relationship.
He told me yesterday his boss offered to pay him under the table in order for him to get to keep a larger portion of his paycheck. He's on commission, so this seems really freaking sketch to me. He said his boss knew he was having financial troubles and thought he could help out this way. I told him that seemed shady that there'd be no paper trail or payroll. He was 'confused' that I wasn't happy about him bringing home an extra 30% over what he would have.
I'm sitting here wondering if this is just another ride I'm being taken for... well if it's not on payroll, there's no pay stub, or he gets cash or something (later he told me it would still be a check.. but I don't know.. seems odd), he theoretically could be keeping a portion of it from me that I would never know about and be hiding it in a personal account for whatever he wants. He was looking up checking accounts yesterday, maybe he opened one.
He was also supposed to be paid monday, but claimed he hadn't gotten his check yet. This morning he tells me that his money would all be paid at the 'end of the month' which is when his NEXT paycheck should be coming out, and that this was all going to be paid tax free under the table in a lump sum. The explanation got shadier. I asked him to get some money today, and if it was tax free, great. Now I'm sure that he's just BSing me because payroll would have had to cut those checks or have them submitted as of last week or whatever, I'm pretty sure.. the check would have been ready for him on Monday bc pay day is the 15th. So I don't think it's possible even if they were going to pay him 'under the table' that they would take the check back, void it / cancel it, and then just throw in that money w/ his end of month pay.
I'm tired of this. I want to trust my husband. I'm amazed at how many ways there are to cheat the system with me. I'm also worried that if we get a divorce, if he hasn't got taxes to show income then I may be stuck paying alimony? is this true? His taxes from last year show income, about the same amount as mine... we are only married 2 years.. I don't know how that works at all though.
On the other hand, I want him to start paying for things. If he thinks I'm being amicable to what he's selling, then he will maybe pay some bills and start living on a budget. If he can do that then I would be better off in the next few months and through this.
But the gut-wrenching is this.. I feel like I'm being an awful person for NOT telling him how I know or feel that he is lying.. for NOT telling him I don't see a future for us (even if part of me is still hanging on to it), while I wait for him to contribute money and then one day say SEEYA.
But I need this too, financially, and I deserve the support. I'm just so torn up inside, it makes me sick. I want the hugs and the love and the roses and the offer to let me control the finances. But I don't want the other stuff. I want to be financially stable but I don't want to 'play' him and then dump him, even if he's playing me back.
Ug. It never gets easier!
Things with my AH were just spiraling as fast as possible out of control.
Then my H got home at 8:30 last night, after not going to work yesterday. He claimed to have just returned from a park / lookout area we visited once, that's over an hour's drive away. He was crying, had a dozen roses and a bottle of our favorite wine with him, and said happy anniversary (it was the day before, we hadn't done anything).
As hard as I tried to not be affected by this, of course I was. As much as I know it was a desperate act to try to get me 'back' without having to do real work on the relationship or on himself, and without having to admit fault, blame or give up anything he wants... it's still hard.
I still wanted those flowers and that wine.
Then he said something that didn't affect me as much as it should have, he said he went there because he 'didn't want to live anymore' and wanted to end his life. I don't know about that, it seemed extreme. He was just asking his mom for money yesterday. Unless she ended up not sending it to him after all that, and then he realized he had neither her nor me, and this was his way to get one of us back on his side..... I don't know. Maybe I'm ridiculously cold hearted and uncaring, but after being toyed with this much, what can you believe??
I told him he needed to get help, that that was serious. He didn't say much. We ended up talking some, I told him what wasn't acceptable, that I deserved honesty and equal partnership, that I didn't want all these things we had because now I'm the only one paying for them and taking care of them, that I had let him lie to me and not stood up for myself over all these times because I never felt it would make a difference, but that now I know I deserve more. He was hurt, he listened, but he still didn't really do much. He apologized for saying mean things to me. But at the same time he justified spending a ton of money in the past two weeks, because 'we are fighting and i have to eat out, and go out and i've been smoking more'. Not good enough, i said.. money doesn't magically appear out of nowhere because we are having marital issues. It has to be made, saved, and paid to bills.
He got frustrated that I kept telling him he had lied to me and I only wanted honesty. He started screaming again because he was so frustrated that I wouldn't believe him. He's still lying, it's not good enough. I said don't worry about it, I just think we are on different paths. Crying again.. etc.
He asked what he had to do, said he would give me full control of the finances, etc. I don't even know what that means anymore.
Eventually we just watched tv, sat next to eachother. We hugged a couple times and he did sleep in the bed next to me. I admit it was nice, but not as nice as a real relationship.
He told me yesterday his boss offered to pay him under the table in order for him to get to keep a larger portion of his paycheck. He's on commission, so this seems really freaking sketch to me. He said his boss knew he was having financial troubles and thought he could help out this way. I told him that seemed shady that there'd be no paper trail or payroll. He was 'confused' that I wasn't happy about him bringing home an extra 30% over what he would have.
I'm sitting here wondering if this is just another ride I'm being taken for... well if it's not on payroll, there's no pay stub, or he gets cash or something (later he told me it would still be a check.. but I don't know.. seems odd), he theoretically could be keeping a portion of it from me that I would never know about and be hiding it in a personal account for whatever he wants. He was looking up checking accounts yesterday, maybe he opened one.
He was also supposed to be paid monday, but claimed he hadn't gotten his check yet. This morning he tells me that his money would all be paid at the 'end of the month' which is when his NEXT paycheck should be coming out, and that this was all going to be paid tax free under the table in a lump sum. The explanation got shadier. I asked him to get some money today, and if it was tax free, great. Now I'm sure that he's just BSing me because payroll would have had to cut those checks or have them submitted as of last week or whatever, I'm pretty sure.. the check would have been ready for him on Monday bc pay day is the 15th. So I don't think it's possible even if they were going to pay him 'under the table' that they would take the check back, void it / cancel it, and then just throw in that money w/ his end of month pay.
I'm tired of this. I want to trust my husband. I'm amazed at how many ways there are to cheat the system with me. I'm also worried that if we get a divorce, if he hasn't got taxes to show income then I may be stuck paying alimony? is this true? His taxes from last year show income, about the same amount as mine... we are only married 2 years.. I don't know how that works at all though.
On the other hand, I want him to start paying for things. If he thinks I'm being amicable to what he's selling, then he will maybe pay some bills and start living on a budget. If he can do that then I would be better off in the next few months and through this.
But the gut-wrenching is this.. I feel like I'm being an awful person for NOT telling him how I know or feel that he is lying.. for NOT telling him I don't see a future for us (even if part of me is still hanging on to it), while I wait for him to contribute money and then one day say SEEYA.
But I need this too, financially, and I deserve the support. I'm just so torn up inside, it makes me sick. I want the hugs and the love and the roses and the offer to let me control the finances. But I don't want the other stuff. I want to be financially stable but I don't want to 'play' him and then dump him, even if he's playing me back.
Ug. It never gets easier!
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
NO, it doesnt. But you sound remarkably grounded in your truth, and like you have a handle on what is really going on.
I know it is hard. I just want to let you know that you are doing great. Yu do sound pretty clear.
I know it is hard. I just want to let you know that you are doing great. Yu do sound pretty clear.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I don't know Honor -- the whole thing sounds like a load of quacking to me, especially the part about driving out to the lookout. My exabf could pull off a scene like that at the drop of a hat, tears and all, when he wanted to.
And all that BS about getting paid at the end of the month because he's now cheating on his taxes? C'mon!! Do you really believe all that? I doubt it. And I seriously doubt you want to get in trouble with the IRS...that's all you need!
Something's up.
And all that BS about getting paid at the end of the month because he's now cheating on his taxes? C'mon!! Do you really believe all that? I doubt it. And I seriously doubt you want to get in trouble with the IRS...that's all you need!
Something's up.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
tjp, I guess I will only know with time. I told him again today that I was unhappy with the idea that he was not getting paid this week and I wanted him to ask for it. He said he would but made a deal out of how he can't always get what he wants and the manager is not in today (i.e. I won't see any money until the end of next week). Then he said he should get a really big paycheck at the end of the month because he's sold xx dollars worth and done well. As always, we'll see about that.
I don't believe it all, I do believe he is keeping his current paycheck to himself.
At the same time, it may be worth a wait because if he does get this big paycheck at the end of the month, the amount of it would be such a significant burden off my back it may be worth riding it out. I guess I'm saying that's where I stand. He is still quacking, he still doesn't know how to tell the truth, and he thinks he can get away with it. He still has a drinking problem and doesn't admit it. I am aware of all that.
The thing about suicide sounded suspect to me. I would hate to shrug off an honest admission of suicidal thoughts. I guess if I were to get caught in a huge basket of lies and have addictions I didn't know how to afford and no one to turn to to buy my next lies I might feel pretty low too. But, as I told him, you have a choice every day in what kind of person you want to be, and whether or not you want to do something happy, sad, good, bad, lazy, productive, etc. That no one else was making those choices for him. If he needed help, I said, go get help.
No DOUBT something is up, possibly many things. I am not being physically intimate with my H, and I am doing my best to keep myself safe from the craziness of this man. But if he can contribute and is willing to, that's better than no contribution. He lies either way..
I don't believe it all, I do believe he is keeping his current paycheck to himself.
At the same time, it may be worth a wait because if he does get this big paycheck at the end of the month, the amount of it would be such a significant burden off my back it may be worth riding it out. I guess I'm saying that's where I stand. He is still quacking, he still doesn't know how to tell the truth, and he thinks he can get away with it. He still has a drinking problem and doesn't admit it. I am aware of all that.
The thing about suicide sounded suspect to me. I would hate to shrug off an honest admission of suicidal thoughts. I guess if I were to get caught in a huge basket of lies and have addictions I didn't know how to afford and no one to turn to to buy my next lies I might feel pretty low too. But, as I told him, you have a choice every day in what kind of person you want to be, and whether or not you want to do something happy, sad, good, bad, lazy, productive, etc. That no one else was making those choices for him. If he needed help, I said, go get help.
No DOUBT something is up, possibly many things. I am not being physically intimate with my H, and I am doing my best to keep myself safe from the craziness of this man. But if he can contribute and is willing to, that's better than no contribution. He lies either way..
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Honor...I totally understand the need to believe him, the desire to be financially more secure, but it seems like he's dangling a big carrot in front of you, in the hopes of "winning you back". The flowers, the wine, the trip to the lookout...those are one-time gestures. What about long term actions?
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Hmm maybe I am not being clear or maybe I am being wrong here, but what I'm trying to get at is I don't see a long-term future for us. I am already walking down the road to divorce. However since we are already financially ruined, it would definitely help a LOT if he does contribute a nice paycheck to the huge sum of bills we have.
And to clarify--the trip to the lookout--that was where he said he went to commit suicide. That wasn't a romantic gesture.. For all I know he went to a casino with money his mom sent him and lost it all plus his paycheck.
Sort of what I'm doing I guess... gambling? One the chance that he might contribute. he seems to want to, but obviously he has problems and hasn't been a good contributor for a long time.
The only real carrot he has left is financial contribution... I have hoped/waited for it before and been let down, but 2 more weeks can't put me any worse off than I will be either way, getting papers drawn up etc. If he doesn't contribute, I will not be surprised at all. I don't put stock in his promises anymore.. but that doesn't mean they definitely WON'T come true, either.
My AH is and always has been sentimental. He celebrated my birthday and valentines day and other events with such thoughtful sweetness, playing our wedding songs, making the most amazing meals, decorating the house, etc. While the flowers and wine were a gesture, they aren't anything compared to what he normally sweeps me off my feet with, so I'm not taken away by them. The most that was was a gesture to say--I know I didn't do anything yesterday for our anniversary and I couldn't let it go with nothing. The worst it could have been was--I'm out of money, totally screwed and need my wife, I'm a piece of junk but I better do something or else she'll never stay with me.
Lol.
And to clarify--the trip to the lookout--that was where he said he went to commit suicide. That wasn't a romantic gesture.. For all I know he went to a casino with money his mom sent him and lost it all plus his paycheck.
Sort of what I'm doing I guess... gambling? One the chance that he might contribute. he seems to want to, but obviously he has problems and hasn't been a good contributor for a long time.
The only real carrot he has left is financial contribution... I have hoped/waited for it before and been let down, but 2 more weeks can't put me any worse off than I will be either way, getting papers drawn up etc. If he doesn't contribute, I will not be surprised at all. I don't put stock in his promises anymore.. but that doesn't mean they definitely WON'T come true, either.
My AH is and always has been sentimental. He celebrated my birthday and valentines day and other events with such thoughtful sweetness, playing our wedding songs, making the most amazing meals, decorating the house, etc. While the flowers and wine were a gesture, they aren't anything compared to what he normally sweeps me off my feet with, so I'm not taken away by them. The most that was was a gesture to say--I know I didn't do anything yesterday for our anniversary and I couldn't let it go with nothing. The worst it could have been was--I'm out of money, totally screwed and need my wife, I'm a piece of junk but I better do something or else she'll never stay with me.
Lol.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hello honourthyself-
if yours is anything like mine, it is highly probable that the money from the paycheck is already spent and the money coming at the end of the month is already owed to someone else.
i think we walk a fine line with our addicts...it is tempting to justify compromising ourselves and our morals: to lie to them, hide things from them, snoop on them, etc.
the truth is normally quite simple. lies are normally quite complicated. his story about his paycheck is getting very complicated, no?
are there any things that you can shut down that he uses that you don't? luxuries like cable tv, mobile phone, any of his debt (his car payments, etc.) that is being direct debted out of your common account?
if it was me, i wouldn't wait until the end of the month to shut those types of things down. i did and mine, surprisingly, barely flinched and just sought out other ways to con me.
i also put a lock on our phone, so that only local calls could be made unless one entered a key code to unlock it. this saved me quite a bit of money, as mine would indiscrimately call long distance, mobiles, etc. while never putting one penny towards the phone bill.
perhaps there are small ways you can shut down the trickle of money he is sapping you for, if you choose to wait until the end of the month to see if he delivers on his promise?
i also stopped buying food he ate. mine wouldn't eat fish, fruit or vegetables, so that is all i bought. no more tea, meat, bread, butter, potatos, egss or any of the other things he ate.
naive
if yours is anything like mine, it is highly probable that the money from the paycheck is already spent and the money coming at the end of the month is already owed to someone else.
i think we walk a fine line with our addicts...it is tempting to justify compromising ourselves and our morals: to lie to them, hide things from them, snoop on them, etc.
the truth is normally quite simple. lies are normally quite complicated. his story about his paycheck is getting very complicated, no?
are there any things that you can shut down that he uses that you don't? luxuries like cable tv, mobile phone, any of his debt (his car payments, etc.) that is being direct debted out of your common account?
if it was me, i wouldn't wait until the end of the month to shut those types of things down. i did and mine, surprisingly, barely flinched and just sought out other ways to con me.
i also put a lock on our phone, so that only local calls could be made unless one entered a key code to unlock it. this saved me quite a bit of money, as mine would indiscrimately call long distance, mobiles, etc. while never putting one penny towards the phone bill.
perhaps there are small ways you can shut down the trickle of money he is sapping you for, if you choose to wait until the end of the month to see if he delivers on his promise?
i also stopped buying food he ate. mine wouldn't eat fish, fruit or vegetables, so that is all i bought. no more tea, meat, bread, butter, potatos, egss or any of the other things he ate.
naive
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Racine, WI
Posts: 33
Naive,
You are a smart woman. I too am contiplating divorce and see a lawyer today for consultation and never thought of approaching savings the way you have. I do have my own account and my money is seperate from his, started that two years ago. But the luxeries is an excellent idea. Sometimes what you feel is a necessity when it comes to self preserverance one must let go of things to gain.
You are a smart woman. I too am contiplating divorce and see a lawyer today for consultation and never thought of approaching savings the way you have. I do have my own account and my money is seperate from his, started that two years ago. But the luxeries is an excellent idea. Sometimes what you feel is a necessity when it comes to self preserverance one must let go of things to gain.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
Thanks for the tips. Yes I do suspect it is a lie. I also suspect he will have pre-spent a good portion of his next check.
As far as the bills go.. we have tv/phone/internet through one provider, and cancelling ANY of those services would result in over 300 dollars in cancellation fees for breach of contract.. or we could just wait until the end of Jan. It's actually cheaper to wait it out than to cancel, plus my life would be miserable at home w/o tv or internet.
Our mobiles are on a family share plan... also in a contract, so the same issue applies there, plus it would cost a total of a lot more if we split up and had separate plans.. I will only do that when it's necessary...
Other than that we have credit card debts and home bills and car payments. Nothing out of the ordinary, but also not things I can do anything about.. The loans are mostly in my name as I was the one with the credit.
I have moved my income to a separate bank account he does not have access to. When a bill comes in to our joint account I quickly transfer JUST ENOUGH funds to cover that bill.
This is not a long-term plan, obviously.
I have not really been buying groceries, it's been hard to eat. We have had enough food in the house for breakfasts and some times dinner. I have had some free meals out too (long story) so that's been good.
Yesterday AH made dinner for us, that was an unexpected treat. He is "acting nice" right now but only because I haven't pressed the issue on things.
I think I'm still tired, sad, and scared, and not 100% ready to give up on my hopes or dreams with him in my heart, even though my head says, you're just stalling. I guess I'm hoping that after a little time my heart will turn completely cold to him and I'll be ready to walk away. I'm still moving.. just baby steps. When I'm around him I still miss the way we were when we had fun, and that's still possible with him *IF* I were to give up all my needs... not my plan though. Not at all.. I have told him that too. I just need to be ready to act on it for sure.
As far as the bills go.. we have tv/phone/internet through one provider, and cancelling ANY of those services would result in over 300 dollars in cancellation fees for breach of contract.. or we could just wait until the end of Jan. It's actually cheaper to wait it out than to cancel, plus my life would be miserable at home w/o tv or internet.
Our mobiles are on a family share plan... also in a contract, so the same issue applies there, plus it would cost a total of a lot more if we split up and had separate plans.. I will only do that when it's necessary...
Other than that we have credit card debts and home bills and car payments. Nothing out of the ordinary, but also not things I can do anything about.. The loans are mostly in my name as I was the one with the credit.
I have moved my income to a separate bank account he does not have access to. When a bill comes in to our joint account I quickly transfer JUST ENOUGH funds to cover that bill.
This is not a long-term plan, obviously.
I have not really been buying groceries, it's been hard to eat. We have had enough food in the house for breakfasts and some times dinner. I have had some free meals out too (long story) so that's been good.
Yesterday AH made dinner for us, that was an unexpected treat. He is "acting nice" right now but only because I haven't pressed the issue on things.
I think I'm still tired, sad, and scared, and not 100% ready to give up on my hopes or dreams with him in my heart, even though my head says, you're just stalling. I guess I'm hoping that after a little time my heart will turn completely cold to him and I'll be ready to walk away. I'm still moving.. just baby steps. When I'm around him I still miss the way we were when we had fun, and that's still possible with him *IF* I were to give up all my needs... not my plan though. Not at all.. I have told him that too. I just need to be ready to act on it for sure.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 93
Honor...we are two peas in a pod. Awhile back my husband mentioned suicide too. Several times and even to our 3 year old daughter. I had his brother head to our cabin just to make sure he was OK. After that he claimed he was kidding just to get to me and hasn't said anything like that since. It still weighs on my mind sometimes though.
Your comment about not seeing a future, waiting for him to contribute and then saying see-ya is me too. Well, except that I have told him point blank I want out he still doesn't believe me. I'm just tying up a few loose ends regarding his filing bankruptcy and how things get awarded to me so that maybe I can get a little extra money a month from him since he has no job. Sneaky I know.
What I can tell you....is that each day goes by and the drama continues. Both with him and me trying to figure it all out. I'm about ready to throw in the towel and say that I'm better off without what little extra money he may be able to provide. I'm planning my bills on having no contribution from him at all and if I get $100 a month, then yay.
You mention about alimony. My husband is working to build his business back up but currently making no money. It is written in our divorce decree that neither of us can collect allimony...now or ever. You could do that too.
I'm tired, sad and scared to as are alot of others on this board I guess. I like you wait for my hear to grow colder (which I thought it was solid ice by now) or a major thing to happen. He just left the house a short while ago and was in a great mood. Again, that glimmer in my eye. But, I know that when he comes home tonight he'll be a schmuck...just like always.
Your comment about not seeing a future, waiting for him to contribute and then saying see-ya is me too. Well, except that I have told him point blank I want out he still doesn't believe me. I'm just tying up a few loose ends regarding his filing bankruptcy and how things get awarded to me so that maybe I can get a little extra money a month from him since he has no job. Sneaky I know.
What I can tell you....is that each day goes by and the drama continues. Both with him and me trying to figure it all out. I'm about ready to throw in the towel and say that I'm better off without what little extra money he may be able to provide. I'm planning my bills on having no contribution from him at all and if I get $100 a month, then yay.
You mention about alimony. My husband is working to build his business back up but currently making no money. It is written in our divorce decree that neither of us can collect allimony...now or ever. You could do that too.
I'm tired, sad and scared to as are alot of others on this board I guess. I like you wait for my hear to grow colder (which I thought it was solid ice by now) or a major thing to happen. He just left the house a short while ago and was in a great mood. Again, that glimmer in my eye. But, I know that when he comes home tonight he'll be a schmuck...just like always.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
Thanks rdy..
It's good to hear I'm not alone. I post here all the time and sometimes it just helps to get it out of my head so I can move on with my day and get to work and go hang out with my friends. It gives me more strength to go home and deal with what I have there.
I keep doing a lot of reading, on here and elsewhere and talking to my friends. But honestly I'm pretty sick of talking about him. I have started to feel like, during most of our relationship everything I focused on was about him. Now that I'm thinking I need to move on I'm still focusing on him. I am also , at least, focusing on myself. I guess it's confusing because he's not just a boyfriend, not just someone who is a citizen who lives here, but my husband, an immigrant, and a joint owner of the house and debt (and dog?) we share. So I guess a lot of my focus now is on making sure that 1) I'm ready when I make the leap, 2) I make the leap wisely and 3) being sure in my heart that this is the right thing to do.
I am focusing on myself as far as hanging out with friends and family, doing things I enjoy doing and not planning my daily activities around my husband. I have created a separate lifestyle in a short time, one that my husband no doubt hates but realizes any attempt to lock me down now would result in me leaving, so he has quieted down about it. I almost feel like the tables have turned, I always felt that getting upset with him over him doing what he wanted (drinking/not going out/whatever) would result in him blowing up and then I might lose him, I was afraid. Now it's the opposite. My mom asked me the other day if he was coming home at nights and what we did together etc. I basically said I don't know what he does after work, as she asked if he went drinking or was coming home straight after. I said I don't know. She said do you hang out in the evenings. I said sometimes I guess, but lots of times I make other plans and one of us is in bed before the other gets home. She said, sheesh sounds like a great relationship. I was a little pissed about that, because OBVIOUSLY it's not a great relationship.
I told her it is what it is, and until I'm not in it this is what I've got to work with. I said I have two choices--call him, try to track him down, ask where he is, who he's with and what he's doing and how much he's spending, nag the crap out of him, give him power because he knows I want information from him, and get angry and upset when he does or does not (most likely) tell the truth about any of these things. Then I can be pissed that he's lying or drive myself crazy trying to decipher what he's ACTUALLY doing based on the information I could or could not get out of him. I could spend hours planning my evenings around what he is doing or saying and trying to figure out the truth.
OR, I could go about my day and make plans with friends or by myself, do what i need to do, keep my money safe and separate so he can only damage us as much as he makes money to, not ask questions and not care what he's up to. Then I have serenity, fun with my friends, and I'm not angry.
I said I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense to you or my friends sometimes, but it's much easier and happier for me to live in a way where I'm not consumed with what he's doing, even if I suspect he's doing something 'bad' or 'wrong'. The suspicion is there regardless, I can't trust his word, so what's the point in asking?
It's good to hear I'm not alone. I post here all the time and sometimes it just helps to get it out of my head so I can move on with my day and get to work and go hang out with my friends. It gives me more strength to go home and deal with what I have there.
I keep doing a lot of reading, on here and elsewhere and talking to my friends. But honestly I'm pretty sick of talking about him. I have started to feel like, during most of our relationship everything I focused on was about him. Now that I'm thinking I need to move on I'm still focusing on him. I am also , at least, focusing on myself. I guess it's confusing because he's not just a boyfriend, not just someone who is a citizen who lives here, but my husband, an immigrant, and a joint owner of the house and debt (and dog?) we share. So I guess a lot of my focus now is on making sure that 1) I'm ready when I make the leap, 2) I make the leap wisely and 3) being sure in my heart that this is the right thing to do.
I am focusing on myself as far as hanging out with friends and family, doing things I enjoy doing and not planning my daily activities around my husband. I have created a separate lifestyle in a short time, one that my husband no doubt hates but realizes any attempt to lock me down now would result in me leaving, so he has quieted down about it. I almost feel like the tables have turned, I always felt that getting upset with him over him doing what he wanted (drinking/not going out/whatever) would result in him blowing up and then I might lose him, I was afraid. Now it's the opposite. My mom asked me the other day if he was coming home at nights and what we did together etc. I basically said I don't know what he does after work, as she asked if he went drinking or was coming home straight after. I said I don't know. She said do you hang out in the evenings. I said sometimes I guess, but lots of times I make other plans and one of us is in bed before the other gets home. She said, sheesh sounds like a great relationship. I was a little pissed about that, because OBVIOUSLY it's not a great relationship.
I told her it is what it is, and until I'm not in it this is what I've got to work with. I said I have two choices--call him, try to track him down, ask where he is, who he's with and what he's doing and how much he's spending, nag the crap out of him, give him power because he knows I want information from him, and get angry and upset when he does or does not (most likely) tell the truth about any of these things. Then I can be pissed that he's lying or drive myself crazy trying to decipher what he's ACTUALLY doing based on the information I could or could not get out of him. I could spend hours planning my evenings around what he is doing or saying and trying to figure out the truth.
OR, I could go about my day and make plans with friends or by myself, do what i need to do, keep my money safe and separate so he can only damage us as much as he makes money to, not ask questions and not care what he's up to. Then I have serenity, fun with my friends, and I'm not angry.
I said I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense to you or my friends sometimes, but it's much easier and happier for me to live in a way where I'm not consumed with what he's doing, even if I suspect he's doing something 'bad' or 'wrong'. The suspicion is there regardless, I can't trust his word, so what's the point in asking?
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Midwest
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Originally Posted by honoryourself 
I'm pretty sick of talking about him. I have started to feel like, during most of our relationship everything I focused on was about him. Now that I'm thinking I need to move on I'm still focusing on him.
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