sanitynow

First effort to reach out. Thinking about attending an Al Anon mtg, probably should.

Married 8 years ago. Knew she had a problem before, but brushed it aside as it was all seemingly in good fun and her alcohol induced anger hadn't set in yet. In turn, began to take it on the chin for the ensuing years until it finally crossed the line about a year ago. At that point, she acknowledged the problem, committed to sobriety and I offered as well to give up what little I drink. Didn't last more than a week before she started smuggling bottles into the house, which I in turn hunted down on a daily basis. Now it's no longer smuggling bottles, but disguising water bottles with vodka. Also just found an empty vanilla extract bottle, which I've found throughout the years but didn't realize their utility until yesterday. She blames me for the problem, demonizes me to her children, etc. I have stood my ground on trying to maintain an alcohol free home environment for a couple of reasons:

1. I recognized a year ago that I am clearly powerless. I also reached a point where divorce was the most viable/sane option, however our property is "underwater" so we're more or less stuck together until we can unload the house. As such, and even though she'll find ways around them, I feel entitled to establish some boundaries that will hopefully keep the home environment as healthy as possible. Can't say it's been effective, but it's certainly made it challenging for her and has to be better than allowing her to openly bring alcohol into the house.

2. Although I know it's out of my control, there's a faint hope that by making her consumption more challenging will in turn make her life more miserable and drive her to her bottom sooner than later. Honestly though, I expect the house issue will be resolved sooner and divorce will ensue.

Question 1.

Thanksgiving's around the corner. My family will be coming to stay with us. I have informed them that there's no alcohol in the house, which naturally opened the closet on our personal issues - which she is furious about. She's dreading the whole event, understandably, as she will likely be the focus of everyone's attention. I have considered throwing in the towel for Thanksgiving dinner and serving some wine, but feel it's better to stand my ground and keep the boundary consistent. Any thoughts?

Question 2.

I can’t seem to figure out how to treat her, react to her, and interact with her. My nature is to be happy, loving and always the one who keeps the marriage functioning on some level. She is not capable of giving emotionally to me on a consistent basis and I never know what to expect when she comes home in the evening. I have tried a few approaches, but I think the only option is to basically leave her completely alone, ignore her to some degree – and therefore live a life where we are just two ships passing in the night. Otherwise, I feel as though I am continuing to expend myself for no return. Any thoughts?

Thank you if you have taken the time to read through this …..

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

You will find support and information here. We're open 24/7.

I attend Alanon meetings and have found them helpful in knowing that I am not alone. Everyone there will know how it feels to have your life become unmanageable because of someone else's addiction. It's an anonymous place to discuss your feelings and be heard.

Here at SR you can also discuss your feelings. At the top of this forum are some sticky posts. These posts contain some of our stories, our experience, our strength and our hope. Please read and post as much as needed.

Your question about thanksgiving. Since the cat is already out of the bag (wife has a problem with alcohol), I'd keep it an alcohol free holiday. If you bring wine to the table now, everyone will be watching her reactions. Too much stress. Allow the focus of the gathering to be fellowship and gratitude.

Found

Well done

gowest

One thought for you to ponder, it doesn't seem to me that you are keeping an alcohol free home because you don't want booze in the house but because you don't want her to have booze in the house.

It took me a long time to realize that real boundaries aren't about controlling other people but about what I can live with myself.

Obviously, the no alcohol boundary isn't working because she is still drinking. So in terms of thanksgiving it would make sense to allow alcohol because that isn't really the issue.

What do YOU want to do for you? Take her out of the equation, if she wasn't there would you serve drinks? There is your answer.

It just seems to me that you are still trying to control her behavior, even though I understand part of what you are trying to do is control your home environment.

I don't know if I am being clear enough. I'm sure another member will be along to explain what I mean more succinctly.

husbandofacoa

I have found that the alcoholics that I know and love will drink if they want to drink. My rules don't stop them. They will find a way.

If I were in the situation with my family that you are with yours, I would tell them the truth about my wife's drinking. I would then tell them that I don't want to discuss it any further. I would tell them that I love them and want to see them for the holdays but that I don't want their advice on the subject. This would be the right approach with my family.

I suffered from significant shame and false pride concerning my situation. As I attended alanon more, I realized that this shame and pride was a stumbling block for me. "We are only as sick as our secrets" is an alanon saying. Admitting the truth to myself and where appropriate to others was very healing for me.

Alanon has been a great help to me in my interaction with my wife. I have learned not to let fear of her reaction control what I do. I behave as well as I can and her reaction is her problem. If I do otherwise, I give her control of my life. This is bad for me and worse for her. It feeds the bear; it keeps us on the merry go round.

It is worth knowing, that as I got better, she got worse....for a time. She fought hard against my changing. I no longer played her game and it was very, very threatening to her. It is, however, well worth the pain. There is another side and it is well worth the journey.

I highly recommend alanon. I hope that it does for you what it has done for me.

Hammer

As far as "Any Thoughts" regarding Turkey Day and your family coming into the mess, etc.

I would consider killing the whole event.

You have larger problems to deal with.

coyote21

Wow, well said. LOTS of wisdom in this post.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

sanitynow

Thanks for everyone's input!

Clearly the bottom line is "what can I live with" and "what am I prepared to do" - both of which I process on a daily basis. I have chosen to ride this out a bit longer. The house is probably 150k underwater. There's a distinct possibility I will be able to cover that by the end of next year. If not, I think that will be the deciding moment to pull the rip cord and take the credit hit.

Clearly a fair point that my effort to control the home environment, while I choose to ride this out a bit, is in turn an attempt to control her, but to some degree, I have gotten a result that allows me to buy some time. It’s made her life more difficult. It’s forced her and her smuggled cocktails to the bedroom when we’re both in the house. It’s forced her to be more guarded at all times. Another safeguard to an extent is that her daughter is now living in the house – she can’t have her coming to the reality that I am not the bad guy.

If there’s a shot at pulling out of this financially in tact, and it’s within a time-frame that I can bear, I’ll take it so long as the home environment is somewhat livable. If I do nothing during this time, the home environment falls apart completely and “game” over. I’m at a point where I am OK with it all ending, frankly yearn for that day, but I think this ultimately plays out better all around if I can avoid a financial mess.

I have kept my side of this to myself until recently. Thanksgiving clearly forced me to share it with my family and I didn’t hold back. That’s been a good thing for my own well-being. Opening up and reaching out through this community has also been helpful. It’s clearly no longer a secret. I am also fairly comfortable that the burden is on her. She knows she has a problem. She knows the marriage is suffering as a result. She knows she needs me, financially if nothing else. She knows the clock is ticking and that I will exit at some point.

I think Thanksgiving will be better all around without serving alcohol. My family has no issue with it, now that they understand the dark secret. Her kids aren’t clear on it, because they only hear her side of it, but so be it.

I think what I really need to wrestle with, is this whole detachment issue. Even though it would probably be a good thing for me personally, I need to figure out how it would impact the home environment and in turn, this period of time I am trying to play with….

Chrysalis123

Have you done any reading on addictions or codependency? If so, what have you read?

sanitynow

Read a fair amount on codependency a number of years ago, can't recall the title. Haven't picked anything up on addictions.