TakingCharge999

Bf and me are planning to live together (to test the waters) but we got a problem...

He is not currently employed.. he has some odd jobs but does not earn $$ in a very stable manner.

My codie self told him "yeah sure just move with me, I will pay the rent and you can help out with minor stuff or buy the food or whatever" but YESTERDAY I realized it was my codie martyr rescuer speaking, I realized it was going to be once again me giving 100% of something, and told him that it was either 50/50 of rent or we would need to make some other arrangement. Or wait until he got a job and would pay.

Drama ensued and he ended up crying, I ended up crying too. We agreed for him to move when he gets a job and then we will talk again about the money.


Has any woman here earned more than her partner? I know this is just the tip of the iceberg - I am an engineer with 3 years of exp. and he still has 2 years to go at university. He is 2 years younger than me.

I told him, if when we live together, we share expenses 50-50, I dont care if you make more or less, the rest would be your money just as I have mine.

Please share your ESH... feeling really blue about this. He works to pay his university, weekends too, and all this time when I invite him to posh restaurants and he invites me to the cheapest place in town, I have not given it importance as I think it is temporary and he is industrious and works a lot to improve his life. Also, 2 years ago I earned much much less and many times I could not even eat for days.. I do not think comparisons are fair...


So I told him whatever, I may be fired, you may graduate and find something great, etc. a ton of things can happen... and that is not as important as other stuff like respect, company, affection, etc... if I looked for money I would have married a coworker already...

And then I wonder if he will always feel less if he earns less, and wonder what my family would think if I told them I am paying 300 USD and he is paying 200 for rent (that it is not 50/50)... or also yesterday that he came to my job for me and his car was really old and very dirty... I was dressed extremely well and felt bad about not having someone with my education and $$ possibilities....


Yesterday he told me I don't know what I want... has any of you experienced something similar?

Please help

honoryourself

It sounds to me like while you are saying these things don't matter to you (money, nice restaurants, car), they still sort of do.
I think that each partner making a different amount of money is fine, as long as both parties are honest with themselves and eachother about what they are ok with and what their responsibilities are.

I also think it would be important to look at the underlying reasons why he isn't making much money, etc. If he's in university but headed towards a full time job full speed and that's what you want, then that's better than someone who has job hopped every 3 months with big gaps of unemployment.
What is he studying for? What does he want to do?

It sounds like you are conflicted, so maybe more time to think about it would be good. It's 'easy' to move in together but a lot harder to go the other direction.

I've made a lot of those same excuses / lines of reasoning as I read in your post, and I know I'm not where I want to be now.. I was stable financially, now not at all... I didn't have any proof of any of the things he claimed to have accomplished etc., in his life, and he had a lot of reasons for everything, and I gobbled them all up and defended him to anyone who thought I was being too nice. It didn't get me anywhere..

LaTeeDa

I can't tell you the best solution for the money issues because that is something each couple has to work out.

But, I can tell you that these things are best worked out before you move in together than after.

L

forjg

I have a college education and my RAF has his degree in massage therapy. I have always made more than him, but I am going back for my Master's in Social Work in January. Social work does not pay well so at some point he may make more than me. But it doesn't matter to me either way. Our connection is not about money as long as we can pay the bills. And right now he does not live with me. Hopefully when he is done with the sober house in 90 days he will again, but one day at a time.
You need to figure out what you are comfortable with....

nodaybut2day

This is just me, but from the sounds of your post, it seems like you've already decided on a few things. Waiting can't hurt anything in this situation (ok, except perhaps feelings/ego).

Personally, I chose to have my X move in with me when he had no job, and for me, it was a terrible choice. a) he would always feel diminished because I made more money (heck, I was a stripper, I made more money than most people) and b) it caused a rift in our relationship because deep down, *I* felt that he should be contributing equally even though I offered to help him out for a little while. I thought it didn't matter, but if I'd been honest with myself, I would have realized that it did.

Kimmieh

This stood out to me and I wondered why exactly you felt bad. Perhaps the questions is whether it's about the money or about him / him and his career or about your need to be with someone for the sake of being with someone or your desire to be with this man, etc.

I think I remember you writing that you are still struggling with emotional reactions towards your ex and perhaps it's just simply too soon to commit to someone else (I think moving in together is quite the commitment).

Just asking lots of questions, sorry.

(PS: Just my personal opinion: I would not move in with him at this point. Even with everything perfect (finances, etc.), living together can be difficult at times. And with those things not being perfect, it seems like quite a risk.

grrl77

I think it's kind of a matter of what YOU are comfortable with. Is it going to bug you that you make more money? Does it bug you that he is still in school and you're ready for something more in your life? It kinda sounds like it bugs you more than it does him, a little bit. I say figure out the long term - can you see yourself with him for some time, or do you feel like this is a pot of resentment waiting to happen? If he's working toward a full time job and it's just temporary, that's one thing I guess, but if you don't see yourself with the guy and there are other underlying factors, you might wanna think about those things before combining lives. Y'know? Just my two cents.

nowinsituation

Oh wow TC, I am in almost exactly the same situation, except my BF and I ARE living together. When we met he was employed with a good job, in a city about 100 miles from me. He lost that job and wanted to stay with me while he looked for a job in my city (where he had lived previously and had roots here). I agreed.

Actually it is going quite well for us. He is still struggling to find full employment, but works part time. He isn't able to contribute financially, but he does help out physically. My daughter and even my pets all love having him around, as well. NO signs of any addictions (other than maybe Facebook - LOL).

There are times I worry that I have become his "sugar mama". But I try to stay in the present and not project too far into the future. The arrangement was intended to be temporary, but we have agreed to make it permanent; and discussed that when he is able to contribute financially, he will.

I struggle with if I allowed this because I wanted to rescue him?? I still don't know. I know I struggle constantly with wanting to "help" him find a job.... and then bite my tongue as I realize he needs to do it himself.

What it boils down to for me is looking at the present moment (do I think he is doing the best he can right now? -- Yes I do); and a little bit at the past (does he have a history of being a "deadbeat" -- No he does not). I try not to worry about the future, and that I will know if changes need to be made.

heavenlyone

Yes, mine is unemployed.

I don't live with him.

I will never live with him because he will never make enough money.

I've given him enough of my money over time, now no more.

It is different in every case though, but I can tell you if you move in and pay for everything you are going to build a whole lot of resentment towards him that's very hard to manage.

I think wait until his on his feet. It's going to give the relationship alot more space and lot less resentment on your part

BuffaloGal

I'm the other half-- my boyfriend is financially independent, and I'm a full time student minimally supported by my family (which is almost ok, but not quite) and broke. Fortunately, he's more than a bit on the unconventional side, could care less about appearances and the trappings of success and lives extremely frugally. In a trailer park, no less.

Part of the reason we don't live together is the money. No doubt he'd pay if I wanted to go with him to nice restaurants... but I have this gut feeling about financial inequality, in that as soon as I let money become a factor, it will poison the relationship. As it is, I owe him about $350 now for car and house repairs that couldn't be put off. I can't currently repay that, and I hate it. If I lose my house, I know my daughter and I can stay at his place, which is a relief. But unless I reach that point, I'd never consider it.

TakingCharge999

Thank you very much for all your input.

Yes, when he gets a steady job we will discuss this again. He has spent some days with me and I could already feel my resentment. UGH.

Also, as I may be buying my house someday, I am also trying to see the "modest" outings as a good opportunity to SAVE MONEY.

All in all I am more convinced to be with him. The other day I realized I do want to be with him. I can earn the money while he fixes my clothes, tends to the cats, makes me lunch, runs errands, etc

isurvived

Underlying values fit into this - so consider it.

Your comment "I was dressed extremely well and felt bad about not having someone with my education and $$ possibilities...." says volumes about your values/expectations/stature - which is something you'll want to carefully measure prior to making any commitments with this man. Moving in together is a commitment.

TakingCharge999

Thanks isurvived.... its funny because sometimes I really don't give a damn, I remember ex with his supercar, superhouse, etc and its like..why would you want that if you are treated like dirt? and also sometimes I don't dress up or anything, too tired for that...

But yes, moving together is a commitment... for now my sister is coming to visit so he is not moving in now..... I will visit my therapist again to reconcile this. The thing is that my dad also came from such a background, I too have had hard times and we have done really well, he is hard working and ambitious too so I do tend to think this is a temporary thing...

Also I may ask for my parents opinion... NEVER DONE THAT... I guess they will say, I am not looking for him for money Thank God, and if he is hard worker and serious, etc.... that is what is important.

UGH.. need to reread the thread.. but thank you, at least I have time to consider and consult and think hard about this..... not rushing into something for convenience.

I wanted him to move here because I got a peeping Tom neighbor and I did not want to be alone with him. That'sanother story... good night for now ((hugs))

sclarke64448

Hey TC I don't know if this helps or not but my ex and I came from very different backgrounds. I have a career in my family's business. He was forever on the dole, promising to get jobs, etc, but only ever worked once in the three years I was with him. I'm not comparing him to your boyfriend in this sense but before we were together and while my ex was with his ex, the mother of his two kids, he held down two jobs to support the family while she stayed at home to raise the children. He said he would be like that again for me tho he probably wouldn't earn as much as me. Every now and again tho he would feel inferior and said he believed like should be with like and we were never going to work because of financial differences, etc. So I suppose it depends on the individuals involved. It never bothered me, but it did bother him. I would say tho don't start going all codie on him because if you start off that way it will continue. By the time my xabf and I broke up he'd had £13,000 out of me! I know I've told you and other members a great deal about what I went thru when he finished with me. When I went to AA I got talking to two drinkers who sounded a lot like him so I was trying to understand him more. One of them and I went for a (non alcoholic ) drink. His suggestion. We had two but he didn't once put his hand in his pocket. After the drink we went off to this place together - the AA and Al Anon meetings were in the same building and we went to our respective ones. Despite the fact he lived miles away from me in the opposite direction he wanted a lift. I said no! Thought I'd nip it in the bud before I find myself a replacement for xabf. He then suggested meals but I thought I'd probably end up paying for those too. I suppose what I'm trying to say is it's easy to fall into that habit, but not easy to break it! Be careful !! XX