Confused by urges
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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I don't think anyone said the opposite of love is hate. And I don't think I love that guy. I think he's just a burnt trench in my brain goo.
Indifference is where I was until this past weekend, and I'll get there again.
For now, I'm very comfortable consciously moving from fear and pain to anger. It keeps me from getting sucked into that other horrible place. Very effective, very valid way to "remember" reality. It's not where I want to live but I have to move through it to get to peace.
After I've got some NC under my belt, the indifference will return.
Indifference is where I was until this past weekend, and I'll get there again.
For now, I'm very comfortable consciously moving from fear and pain to anger. It keeps me from getting sucked into that other horrible place. Very effective, very valid way to "remember" reality. It's not where I want to live but I have to move through it to get to peace.
After I've got some NC under my belt, the indifference will return.
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Longer than that. I still can't quite get to that point (4 years later) with my X. But, it helped me to make that my target, rather than hating him. I've managed to be indifferent about his choices and actions, but I will always care on some level, I think.
L
L
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
LTD I wonder if not making indifference a "target' would expedite the process?
For me, I just let go fully, immersed myself in my life, then my life was more interesting and fulfilling than him. My obsession with him was replaced by the drive to better myself.
It was a natural order of consequences, but you may not need all the work that I do, so the pay off may not be as dramatic...
For me, I just let go fully, immersed myself in my life, then my life was more interesting and fulfilling than him. My obsession with him was replaced by the drive to better myself.
It was a natural order of consequences, but you may not need all the work that I do, so the pay off may not be as dramatic...
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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Also, I had a realization about my AH and my triggers.
During my trigger last weekend, I asked him why he changed his profile picture on ***** to a rooster. I told him it made me feel like he was advertising his c*** to everyone. He said he thought it was funny, that it was absurd.
But he also had a shirt (last summer while with his skanky *****) that said HALF MAN HALF HORSE. He also has pictures of naked women that he says he thinks are "cool" that used to totally freak me out. Also, he emailed a picure he took of a woman showing clevage to his father from a night they were out drinking, laughing about the 'mammaries"
If he hadn't been such a "player" I don't think it would have. Boy am I damaged.
My point is that I want him to lie to and comfort me, but in truth, this man sees himself as a stud. He thinks it is funny and cool and that he is a womanizer. It's that simple. I need to accept it. Hell, women throw themselves at him! He is beautiful and charming. Too bad he gets so drunk he pees in closets. Maybe he should wear a shirt that says that instead.
Half Man, Half Horse
Pees In Closets
During my trigger last weekend, I asked him why he changed his profile picture on ***** to a rooster. I told him it made me feel like he was advertising his c*** to everyone. He said he thought it was funny, that it was absurd.
But he also had a shirt (last summer while with his skanky *****) that said HALF MAN HALF HORSE. He also has pictures of naked women that he says he thinks are "cool" that used to totally freak me out. Also, he emailed a picure he took of a woman showing clevage to his father from a night they were out drinking, laughing about the 'mammaries"
If he hadn't been such a "player" I don't think it would have. Boy am I damaged.
My point is that I want him to lie to and comfort me, but in truth, this man sees himself as a stud. He thinks it is funny and cool and that he is a womanizer. It's that simple. I need to accept it. Hell, women throw themselves at him! He is beautiful and charming. Too bad he gets so drunk he pees in closets. Maybe he should wear a shirt that says that instead.
Half Man, Half Horse
Pees In Closets
Last edited by transformyself; 11-10-2009 at 04:59 AM.
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Transform, I think you are going to have a wonderful time at that conference. You get to network with people in your field, be around people who are healthy, get some positive attention that might lead to a job. I'm excited for you!
I was thinking about your post and what struck me is how I had been doing somewhat of the same thing before I unfriended my H on facebook. He had always made girlfriends over the internet, had a great way of seeming to be a bird with a broken wing so that women would want to step in and pick him up. And I noticed he was doing that, that he had several female friends commenting on his status updates, soothing him, loving him, suggesting things...I started to hit that panic/control mode and so unfriended him and shut it down.
Some of the responders in the thread have used words like addiction, obsession to describe this. I'll toss another word in the mix: HABIT.
It has been our life for years to try and control the behaviors of our partners. As horrible as they made us feel, the minute we sensed their behavior was going in a direction we didn't want, we pounced on it and tried to change it, manipulate it. It became a learned response - they'd zig, we'd zag, they'd twitch, we'd pounce. The horrible, awful dance of codependence. And our actions became our habit. Repeat anything enough times, and your body and mind will automatically turn to that when presented with a similar situation even if you know better. So by coming here, by talking ourselves through this, we are creating - slowly - NEW habits. Better habits.
You are doing so well to recognize when you need support and coming here instead of acting on those feelings was just brilliant.
Have a wonderful time at your conference!
I was thinking about your post and what struck me is how I had been doing somewhat of the same thing before I unfriended my H on facebook. He had always made girlfriends over the internet, had a great way of seeming to be a bird with a broken wing so that women would want to step in and pick him up. And I noticed he was doing that, that he had several female friends commenting on his status updates, soothing him, loving him, suggesting things...I started to hit that panic/control mode and so unfriended him and shut it down.
Some of the responders in the thread have used words like addiction, obsession to describe this. I'll toss another word in the mix: HABIT.
It has been our life for years to try and control the behaviors of our partners. As horrible as they made us feel, the minute we sensed their behavior was going in a direction we didn't want, we pounced on it and tried to change it, manipulate it. It became a learned response - they'd zig, we'd zag, they'd twitch, we'd pounce. The horrible, awful dance of codependence. And our actions became our habit. Repeat anything enough times, and your body and mind will automatically turn to that when presented with a similar situation even if you know better. So by coming here, by talking ourselves through this, we are creating - slowly - NEW habits. Better habits.
You are doing so well to recognize when you need support and coming here instead of acting on those feelings was just brilliant.
Have a wonderful time at your conference!
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Originally Posted by transformyself 
My point is that I want him to lie to and comfort me, but in truth, this man sees himself as a stud. He thinks it is funny and cool and that he is a womanizer. It's that simple. I need to accept it. Hell, women throw themselves at him! He is beautiful and charming. Too bad he gets so drunk he pees in closets. Maybe he should wear a shirt that says that instead.
Half Man, Half Horse
Pees In Closets
Ok, I almost spit my coffee out reading this! How funny...and how he is so like my exah! He is a serious loser. No money, had no license for a year, starting to physically wither due to alcohol yet he has women all over him. Yes, i am sure they are damaged as well but hes got the ego strokes coming.
LOL peeing in closets! Brought back a memory of exah getting out of bed to go to the bathroom and then I hear him peeing at the edge of the bed! YUCK! I was so disgusted. I wish the women could see that.
I think we are married to the same man!
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
And our actions became our habit. Repeat anything enough times, and your body and mind will automatically turn to that when presented with a similar situation even if you know better.
startingover
OMG that IS funny. It's hilarious. Re-reading what I wrote, I crack myself up too.
And I think I’ve asked you that before, if we were married to the same man. I wonder what that means. I think it means that this disease is predictable.
I was thinking on the way home after dropping off the kids, I’m learning so much about myself. Coming here, posting, and processing instead of hitting the automatic redial button on my behavior truly is an amazing, eye and consciousness opening experience.
I have a different take on this however:
As horrible as they made us feel, the minute we sensed their behavior was going in a direction we didn't want, we pounced on it and tried to change it, manipulate
And I think this helps me articulate the only issue I have at times with al anon.
I would say that yes, I pounced, I tried to change and manipulate, but for me there has to also be acknowledgment of my learned behavior from childhood, the pain and damage inflicted upon me as a child that created this behavior. There has to be acknowledgment of what I'm doing without judgment. With forgiveness, not condemnation. I am not saying you were doing that; I’m illustrating a point.
Some folks here have a tone (perceived by me) of harshness, condemnation in these aspects of the recover from codependency that evoke a strong reaction from me. Let me be clear though that I do not think you were are are doing that, Girl With Cow... I'm talking about other posts that I've seen.
Others, like Give Love (cue angels singing) are only always supportive, kind and mega cautious with every word. It's impressive.
Unless I’m very kind to myself, I will not change. I'm not one of those folks who need and benefit from tough love. I'll stay stuck in shame and self defense. Also, and as equally important, I won't get to a place where I can see the hurt of the folks who have "hurt" me. If I can't forgive and accept myself, I cannot change those things or forgive and accept others.
I hope this is clear, it's still somewhat foggy to me...Good news? I'm obsessing about MYSELF instead of AH...baby steps.
And now, to yoga again and then try to fit 5 days worth of living into a dinky carry on...
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Originally Posted by transformyself
LTD I wonder if not making indifference a "target' would expedite the process?
For me, I just let go fully, immersed myself in my life, then my life was more interesting and fulfilling than him. My obsession with him was replaced by the drive to better myself.
It was a natural order of consequences, but you may not need all the work that I do, so the pay off may not be as dramatic...
For me, I just let go fully, immersed myself in my life, then my life was more interesting and fulfilling than him. My obsession with him was replaced by the drive to better myself.
It was a natural order of consequences, but you may not need all the work that I do, so the pay off may not be as dramatic...
We're talking about the same thing, I think. And frankly, I don't understand why your responses to me have such hostility in them.
L
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Mega cautious GiveLove (
) flouncing in here with my bunny slippers and my curlers flying with a gentle reminder of one of the most important rules of this board: Take what you need, and leave the rest.
As in every community, irl or online, there are many approaches offered by different members here. Some are tough love, some are as soft as tofu, and most are in between. All are valuable at different points in our healing. People offer what they have, and what worked for them. It is each SR member's responsibility to take what is appropriate for us, and skip over the things that are too hard or too soft for us at this moment in time.
If you reallyreallyreally don't want a particular member's input and can't see your way to skipping over their posts, you can put them on Ignore and you won't see their posts at all. This is preferable to calling each other out.
Me? I have the envious position of being able to see the beauty in everything that's offered here, too hard, too soft, whatever. It is all sacred to me, even if I don't want to hear it.
Thanks for listening.
Now, if that coffee doesn't hurry up, I'm gonna pull out the pot and stick my head under there.....
) flouncing in here with my bunny slippers and my curlers flying with a gentle reminder of one of the most important rules of this board: Take what you need, and leave the rest.As in every community, irl or online, there are many approaches offered by different members here. Some are tough love, some are as soft as tofu, and most are in between. All are valuable at different points in our healing. People offer what they have, and what worked for them. It is each SR member's responsibility to take what is appropriate for us, and skip over the things that are too hard or too soft for us at this moment in time.
If you reallyreallyreally don't want a particular member's input and can't see your way to skipping over their posts, you can put them on Ignore and you won't see their posts at all. This is preferable to calling each other out.
Me? I have the envious position of being able to see the beauty in everything that's offered here, too hard, too soft, whatever. It is all sacred to me, even if I don't want to hear it.
Thanks for listening.
Now, if that coffee doesn't hurry up, I'm gonna pull out the pot and stick my head under there.....
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: WI
Posts: 195
Now that has me laughing (half man, half horse, pees in closet) 
As much as I don’t like to admit this, I did find with my spouse that with his many good qualities it was easier for me to focus on them to the point of delusional or imaginary thinking that one day the bad behaviors would go away (with my help in *lovingly* pointing them out, of course). Granted, I didn’t even know he was drinking to the extent he was because of his hiding it, so the process was that much more insidious. I don’t know if you relate, but I do find if my feelings of longing for relationship, good times, etc., surface; I just have to remind myself that any future good time with him is purely an illusion; it is not happening unless a miracle takes place; and I know the chance of that! That snaps me out of those wanting him back feelings, and I’m left feeling back in reality and at peace with myself
As much as I don’t like to admit this, I did find with my spouse that with his many good qualities it was easier for me to focus on them to the point of delusional or imaginary thinking that one day the bad behaviors would go away (with my help in *lovingly* pointing them out, of course). Granted, I didn’t even know he was drinking to the extent he was because of his hiding it, so the process was that much more insidious. I don’t know if you relate, but I do find if my feelings of longing for relationship, good times, etc., surface; I just have to remind myself that any future good time with him is purely an illusion; it is not happening unless a miracle takes place; and I know the chance of that! That snaps me out of those wanting him back feelings, and I’m left feeling back in reality and at peace with myself
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Well that didn't go too well. I"m sorry, I wasn't tryng to call anyone out, just processing externally.
Thank you Oh, Great Bunny-Slippered, Head-Under-Coffee-Pot Forum Leader..
Thank you Oh, Great Bunny-Slippered, Head-Under-Coffee-Pot Forum Leader..
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Originally Posted by transformyself
I agree with this concept, that I manipulate, but my language needs to be slightly different.
And I think this helps me articulate the only issue I have at times with al anon.
I would say that yes, I pounced, I tried to change and manipulate, but for me there has to also be acknowledgment of my learned behavior from childhood, the pain and damage inflicted upon me as a child that created this behavior. There has to be acknowledgment of what I'm doing without judgment. With forgiveness, not condemnation. I am not saying you were doing that; I’m illustrating a point.
And I think this helps me articulate the only issue I have at times with al anon.
I would say that yes, I pounced, I tried to change and manipulate, but for me there has to also be acknowledgment of my learned behavior from childhood, the pain and damage inflicted upon me as a child that created this behavior. There has to be acknowledgment of what I'm doing without judgment. With forgiveness, not condemnation. I am not saying you were doing that; I’m illustrating a point.
In my case, I learned it at the feet of my mother. I love my mother so very much, as good as a mother as she was, her codependent behaviors were and are very much a problem for her, and they became a problem for me. To grow and heal first I have to acknowledge the behaviors that are a problem. I reached a point in my life when it didn't matter WHY, it simply mattered that they were and I needed to find a way to not be that way anymore or I would lose everything that *really* mattered. As I get better, I acknowledge why there are there as well and I confront those feelings in my healing process.
"Girl With Cow..." LMAO!!! You are so funny, Transform. I really enjoy your sense of humor.
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Originally Posted by transformyself
Thank you Oh, Great Bunny-Slippered, Head-Under-Coffee-Pot Forum Leader..
I wouldn't say any of that if I didn't have the utmost respect for both our tough-minded and soft-hearted kindred here. We are all here to heal....sometimes we just have to accept input at our own speed.
Sandwich! Where is my sandwich!?!? (rummage rummage)
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Guys, I really hate to do this, but I've got to turn this thing off and pack it up and get ready to fly in the morning.
I pray Tigger is filling her soul with love and patience.
And I thank all of you--you too LaTeeDa! We're going to be best of friends! No more bickering or snitty crap from me. I promise.
Well, if I do, you can wear my black leather jacket. The one I don't let my other sisters borrow...
I pray Tigger is filling her soul with love and patience.
And I thank all of you--you too LaTeeDa! We're going to be best of friends! No more bickering or snitty crap from me. I promise.
Well, if I do, you can wear my black leather jacket. The one I don't let my other sisters borrow...
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Originally Posted by transformyself
And I thank all of you--you too LaTeeDa! We're going to be best of friends! No more bickering or snitty crap from me. I promise.
Well, if I do, you can wear my black leather jacket. The one I don't let my other sisters borrow...
Well, if I do, you can wear my black leather jacket. The one I don't let my other sisters borrow...
Instead of discovering what my soul truly needed, I ended up finding a job that paid the bills and supported my lifestyle because I couldn't count on my AH to contribute. Now I find myself with 12 years at a job I don't like and doesn't fulfill me. I am just beginning the process of finding my life's work and starting from the beginning at age 47 is a little intimidating.
So, fly off on your mission to fulfill your dreams! Good things await you.
L
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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you are miles ahead of me in finding your calling and following it.
I, being the bossy, rule breaker that I am, have been fired from every job I"ve ever had. Until I figured out people would pay me to write, I thought I was impaired in some way.
I'm always late and if I don't like something I make it known.
So you my Dear are miles ahead of me in being able to function in society. You can pay your bills! I'm pirating internet, eating food from the discount bin at the coop and going on interviews that have 300 other applicants.
Ok. Now I'm REALLY going..
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