vra

I'm really confused and need some help...

How can I tell if my mother is really in recovery? Is being sober and going to AA meetings recovery? She's currently on house arrest and doing a 12 step program as part of her sentence. She's really taking to it and this feels different than before. I can't really tel... is this ust a mandated thing she's doing, so she doesn't go to jail? Is she just going to slip back into her old habbits? Is she really in recovery?

Historically speaking, I'd say no. The last 7-10 years has been her attempt at recovery. She's done in-patient and out-patient treatment programs and relapsed every time.

The major driving issue here is that I have a decision to make... do I let my 2 y/o sond and new 1 m/o daughter spend time with her during the holidays?

Before this last relapse, that resulted in house arrest, I stated that if she was going to continue this life than I was stepping back. No more visits from my kids. No more Monday-night dinners at my house. She wasn't going to be a part of our lives. We're done!

The last three months have been pretty darn good. She looks like she's recovering and I've relented a bit. I let her visit with my son once or twice, and let her meet her new grand daughter. Was that a mistake? Or was I helping her recovery by giving her something to look forward too. I hate using my kids as a bargaining chip. It didn't work before. Will it work now?

I'm getting tons of pressure from Dad/Sis/GPs/MIL and FIL to visit with them during the holidays. Everyone is going over to her house for Thanksgiving (and probably XMAS). The extended family feels that we're being overly punitive and un-supportive. "You stand by your family no matter what!" ... I've heard that so mcuh in the last few months.

I want to attend but feel like I'm enabling her if I do. Am I? What if she is actually recovering? If I stay away than I'm further allienting myself from my family.

To further complicate the matter, my wife is absolutley finished with my mother. My waffling has really begun to put a strain on our marriage. She's dealt with my mother's addicition for ten years and belives that enough is enough. It's pretty easy for her to detach from this... it's not her mom. She'd rather my kids and her not have a relationship with my mother than watch her jump in and out of our lives as she bounces back and forth between recovery and relapse. She also feels that if I relent from my position than I'm putting my mother's happiness in front of my kids well being. I don't know if I see it that way.

I'm beggining to feel allienated from my extended family and that's really tough when you're part of a tight nit Italian family.

I'm not sure what to do. I feel like, if my mother is actually on the road to recovery, than my kids should spend time with her. If she's not (and just playing at recovery) than my ultimatium should stand.

I need a fresh prespective on this. Any advice would be so helpful. Thanks to anyone and all who responds...

VRA

honoryourself

I think a lot of people on these boards would tell you ultimatums don't work, boundaries do. Meaning, if you created your ultimatum based on your MOM changing her behavior, then you're getting your hopes and expectations up, it's not really a good thing.

If instead you set boundaries for yourself and what you feel comfortable with allowing in your life, you will be more on the path to serenity. I know there are some posts about boundaries here.

It does sound to me like you still want contact with your family, and if your ultimatum is intent on changing her to your own detriment, then maybe you should reconsider that ultimatum. What do YOU want, I think is the question. If she does or does not recover, no matter what you do or do not do, what is it that you would want for your life and your children and your extended family..

I think you cannot count on her recovering 'for real' this time or any time. You can love her and love yourself and your family, but I think you would be setting yourself up for more heartbreak if you start counting on 'this to be the time' it works. It would be great if it does, but regardless--what is it that you want for yourself?

vra

Wow... that's some real and honest feedback. I appreciate it, and it's clearly coming from personal experience.

I've seen that ultimatums do not work. I've tried those before and they've failed. I have a hard time living up to them and the motivation is just not there. I can't provide her the motivation... it needs to be internally driven.

Thank you for the advice on setting better boundaries. I will do a bit more personal reflection on where I see those boundaries lying.

If there's one thing I know for certain is that my marriage and my growing family are my number one priority in life. There's never been any doubt in my mind about that. I think I was trying to convice myself that I can have things both ways.

Thanks for the perspective. Anyone else's thoughts would be most helpful.

VRA

wanting

I think it would be wise to take things slow. The holidays seem like a good time to get together and visit. I didn't get from your post that you're talking about her watching the kids unsupervised, right? But I'd be hesitant to jump into a weekly visit type of situation, because of what your wife says - the possibility that the kids get used to having her around every week and then she relapses and they can't see her anymore. I'd just take things really slow. If you want to spend time with her, maybe just commit to the one holiday occasion. Of course, you are going to have to compromise with your wife on anything if you want to keep the peace within your own family.

vra

Oh yes! I'd never leave my kids alone with her. It's not appropriate. Maybe that didn't come across in my original email.

Maybe a compromise during this holiday season might be a good way to set some boundaries.

I dunno... more reflection needed

Thanks

VRA

Spiritual Seeker

recovery is one day at a time
addiction is a horrible disease of the brain

In my opinion...your allegiance is to your wife/kids

For now how wonderful if You can spend time w/ your mom while she is having a per. of
sobriety. treasures this time with her as you are able.

If she maintains sobriety...make decisions at that time abt. bringing the kids into a relationship.

naive

hi vra-

i can certainly understand your wife's position, after dealing with your alcoholic mother for 10 years. and i can also understand your position.

from what i have witnessed, there is little doubt when someone is in TRUE recovery versus going through the motions. they've got "something" and it radiates from them. there is a new humility, a new joyfulness, a new peace.

part of the steps is to make amends. if someone is in recovery and their drinking has hurt you and your wife, you would hear from them during this stage of the twelve steps. they would come to you and make amends with you.

has your mother done this?

my personal feelings on the matter are that if the alcoholic is truly in recovery, we would do well to support them. i would wait and watch for the amends if it was me.

as for your wife, after 10 years, her withdrawal is certainly understandable and, in my opinion, healthy. alcoholics can do a lot of emotional damage and it appears she is trying to protect her children from that, as any good mother would.

i'm sorry this is straining your own marriage.

you could always go to your family festivity's alone and explain to your mother why you left your family at home. if she is truly in recovery, she should understand.

we don't do alcoholics any favors by sparing them the consequences of their choices. oftentimes, when we step back, the alcoholic gets serious.

my best to you and your family,
naive