wife's drinking...
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
CJ,
I am a recovering alcoholic wife and mother. I have been sober for a little over a year and a half but I was drinking the rest of my marriage. I was always a drunk, my husband just did not know it or choose not to acknowledge it for a very long time. I always drank a bottle of wine (actually 4 of those small airplane bottles) on my way home from work and then got rid of the empties at some public trash can before I got home. Then after I got home i had 1-2 glasses of wine in front of my family so that I could look like a normal drinker. It drove my husband crazy trying to figure out how I got so drunk so fast. We have talked about this when I made my amends during my 9th step. He never would have guessed I would drink on my way home in the car.
I broke my elbow in 2003 and literally FELL in the house that day. That is also the day I stopped drinking vodka. It was too unpredictable.
I guess I just wanted to tell you that you are not crazy. She is drunk. She is an alcoholic. Please do not fool yourself into thinking she is not. I worked full time, did most of the cooking, cleaning, was the Soccer team Mom, Leader of our Girl Scout Troop, did side bookkeeping jobs and I was a die hard alcoholic. My husband did not want to believe it. In fact, the night before I hit bottom, I told him (slurring and crying) I thought I had a problem and needed to get some help. He said "You are not an alcoholic (yes I am), you don't drink everyday (yes I did), you just need to slow down and not drink so much (yeah right). I was thrilled! Ya know what that told me? I had him fooled and still had a run in me. The next night, I crashed and totalled my car on the way home from a Girl Scout meeting with my 8 year old daughter in the car. I wish that did not have to be my bottom, but it was. Thank God no one was hurt and I never had to have another drink. But please, do not sugar coat it with her. It doesn't help.
Take care of you. If that means leaving her, do so. If that means staying, set some boundaries. I will leave you to these wonderful folks who know how to take care of themselves. I wish you the best!
I am a recovering alcoholic wife and mother. I have been sober for a little over a year and a half but I was drinking the rest of my marriage. I was always a drunk, my husband just did not know it or choose not to acknowledge it for a very long time. I always drank a bottle of wine (actually 4 of those small airplane bottles) on my way home from work and then got rid of the empties at some public trash can before I got home. Then after I got home i had 1-2 glasses of wine in front of my family so that I could look like a normal drinker. It drove my husband crazy trying to figure out how I got so drunk so fast. We have talked about this when I made my amends during my 9th step. He never would have guessed I would drink on my way home in the car.
I broke my elbow in 2003 and literally FELL in the house that day. That is also the day I stopped drinking vodka. It was too unpredictable.
I guess I just wanted to tell you that you are not crazy. She is drunk. She is an alcoholic. Please do not fool yourself into thinking she is not. I worked full time, did most of the cooking, cleaning, was the Soccer team Mom, Leader of our Girl Scout Troop, did side bookkeeping jobs and I was a die hard alcoholic. My husband did not want to believe it. In fact, the night before I hit bottom, I told him (slurring and crying) I thought I had a problem and needed to get some help. He said "You are not an alcoholic (yes I am), you don't drink everyday (yes I did), you just need to slow down and not drink so much (yeah right). I was thrilled! Ya know what that told me? I had him fooled and still had a run in me. The next night, I crashed and totalled my car on the way home from a Girl Scout meeting with my 8 year old daughter in the car. I wish that did not have to be my bottom, but it was. Thank God no one was hurt and I never had to have another drink. But please, do not sugar coat it with her. It doesn't help.
Take care of you. If that means leaving her, do so. If that means staying, set some boundaries. I will leave you to these wonderful folks who know how to take care of themselves. I wish you the best!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 85
Hey Christopher,
Kind of a similar deal here. The worst for me though, was realizing there's nothing I can do to help him. I'm very much the fixer. If I love and care about you, there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. I'm a giving person, that's just how I'm wired. So when things were coming to a head with me and my ex bf, all I wanted to do was whatever was necessary to help him get better. Trouble was, he didn't want to get better. He likes drinking.
I guess it comes down to this. I'm new here, but the more I read, the more I hear people's stories - all the tragedies, the anger, the resentment, the thought process, how the worry/fear is all-consuming - it's all the same. The only thing we can control here, is how we choose to deal with it. I don't doubt that my ex, somewhere inside, is still the man I fell in love with. I'm sure he is, but Madame Vino has reared her ugly head, and so that's all I ever saw. I try to look at it as one day at a time. That's really helped me. He might get help one day - but for today, he's choosing to drink. Because he's choosing to drink, I can't be involved with him, today, should he reach out to call me, or shoot me an instant message, because he's not sober. He's not the man I used to cuddle on the couch with, while we watched some nerdy documentary together. He's not the guy I used to get so excited to see. He's not the man I wanted to marry. He's a guy that's in love with his true love right now - Madame Vino, as I like to call her. And all I am to him at this present time, is someone who gets in the way of that.
All you can do is pray. And work on yourself. I did so many things in that relationship to enable him, I'd talk to him as if our relationship was totally normal - try to rationalize with him when he's drunk, instead of recognizing that he's drunk and that I shouldn't even waste my breath or acknowledge it. I had a girlfriend of mine who's a long time member of Al-Anon kick my arse a little bit the other night. She said, "You feel like a martyr, right?" I said what do you mean? "Well, you angry, because he owes you something! I mean, here you are, putting all this effort into it all, taking on all the emotional tolls, no one else is around, he should be THANKFUL you're there! You've done so much for him, and here he doesn't see it!" I'm immediately caught up in it, right? "Yeah, yeah! That's totally it!" I tell her. Guess what she said to me? "But you didn't have to stay. Nobody made you stay. Now get off the cross."
Oh.
LOL. It just totally hit home. He's a big man, if he wants to drink, that's his choice. But it doesn't mean that I have to hang out and watch it happen, or worse, choose to put myself in a situation that's going to be nothing short of heartache and misery as long as he continues to drink. Y'know?
Just my two cents. This site's been awesome. I could sit and read it all day - often times, do.
And sorry for the lengthy post! Get to goin', and it's hard to stop meh.
Kind of a similar deal here. The worst for me though, was realizing there's nothing I can do to help him. I'm very much the fixer. If I love and care about you, there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. I'm a giving person, that's just how I'm wired. So when things were coming to a head with me and my ex bf, all I wanted to do was whatever was necessary to help him get better. Trouble was, he didn't want to get better. He likes drinking.
I guess it comes down to this. I'm new here, but the more I read, the more I hear people's stories - all the tragedies, the anger, the resentment, the thought process, how the worry/fear is all-consuming - it's all the same. The only thing we can control here, is how we choose to deal with it. I don't doubt that my ex, somewhere inside, is still the man I fell in love with. I'm sure he is, but Madame Vino has reared her ugly head, and so that's all I ever saw. I try to look at it as one day at a time. That's really helped me. He might get help one day - but for today, he's choosing to drink. Because he's choosing to drink, I can't be involved with him, today, should he reach out to call me, or shoot me an instant message, because he's not sober. He's not the man I used to cuddle on the couch with, while we watched some nerdy documentary together. He's not the guy I used to get so excited to see. He's not the man I wanted to marry. He's a guy that's in love with his true love right now - Madame Vino, as I like to call her. And all I am to him at this present time, is someone who gets in the way of that.
All you can do is pray. And work on yourself. I did so many things in that relationship to enable him, I'd talk to him as if our relationship was totally normal - try to rationalize with him when he's drunk, instead of recognizing that he's drunk and that I shouldn't even waste my breath or acknowledge it. I had a girlfriend of mine who's a long time member of Al-Anon kick my arse a little bit the other night. She said, "You feel like a martyr, right?" I said what do you mean? "Well, you angry, because he owes you something! I mean, here you are, putting all this effort into it all, taking on all the emotional tolls, no one else is around, he should be THANKFUL you're there! You've done so much for him, and here he doesn't see it!" I'm immediately caught up in it, right? "Yeah, yeah! That's totally it!" I tell her. Guess what she said to me? "But you didn't have to stay. Nobody made you stay. Now get off the cross."
Oh.
LOL. It just totally hit home. He's a big man, if he wants to drink, that's his choice. But it doesn't mean that I have to hang out and watch it happen, or worse, choose to put myself in a situation that's going to be nothing short of heartache and misery as long as he continues to drink. Y'know?
Just my two cents. This site's been awesome. I could sit and read it all day - often times, do.
And sorry for the lengthy post! Get to goin', and it's hard to stop meh.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
