wife's drinking...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Henderson, NV
Posts: 1
wife's drinking...
Hello all... new here
My wife has been drinking since college. She is...was... very smart. She holds a great job as a Biochemist. I'm concerned that in the past three years, her drinking has been getting really bad. She has fallen on the pavement and hit her head that required 10 staples in her head. She was so drunk and acting so nasty to the doctors, they almost didn't even treat her.
I confronted her, My parents called her parents, I called her sisters, and still nothing (of course her family never made any efforts to help which I thought was very odd).
I don't think she is an alcoholic to the point that she is about to lose her job or anything but she is about to lose me. She used to hide vodka in all sorts of places and the best one I saw was the zip lock back under the driver's floor matt. She has recently sopped hiding and has not had Vodka in awhile but the issue now is; even one glass of white wine makes her DRUNK! She stumbles, does not make sense, the smallest little thing she will drone on about for hours. when I tell her she is really starting to get on my nerves and not making sense, she will not leave me alone to the point we are screaming at each other. that last fight we had, I was about to file for divorce.
Now we have been together for 16 years and I'm only 32 and she is 30 so it's been half our lives together. I have threatened divorces many times, slept in hotels many times and even had ALL her cloths piled at the front door for her to leave the house. I would really rather NOT file but I'm going insane here. The next step is getting that call that she drove drunk and is now in jail for either killing someone or just DWI. I cannot allow that.
She has gotten better but the drinking is still taking over her life. She does not get that she gets that drunk that fast. I just want her to stop all together before she falls back in that vodka pattern and things really get bad.
Does anyone have any thoughts on how to show her what she is becoming before it gets really bad again?
Thanks
CJ
My wife has been drinking since college. She is...was... very smart. She holds a great job as a Biochemist. I'm concerned that in the past three years, her drinking has been getting really bad. She has fallen on the pavement and hit her head that required 10 staples in her head. She was so drunk and acting so nasty to the doctors, they almost didn't even treat her.
I confronted her, My parents called her parents, I called her sisters, and still nothing (of course her family never made any efforts to help which I thought was very odd).
I don't think she is an alcoholic to the point that she is about to lose her job or anything but she is about to lose me. She used to hide vodka in all sorts of places and the best one I saw was the zip lock back under the driver's floor matt. She has recently sopped hiding and has not had Vodka in awhile but the issue now is; even one glass of white wine makes her DRUNK! She stumbles, does not make sense, the smallest little thing she will drone on about for hours. when I tell her she is really starting to get on my nerves and not making sense, she will not leave me alone to the point we are screaming at each other. that last fight we had, I was about to file for divorce.
Now we have been together for 16 years and I'm only 32 and she is 30 so it's been half our lives together. I have threatened divorces many times, slept in hotels many times and even had ALL her cloths piled at the front door for her to leave the house. I would really rather NOT file but I'm going insane here. The next step is getting that call that she drove drunk and is now in jail for either killing someone or just DWI. I cannot allow that.
She has gotten better but the drinking is still taking over her life. She does not get that she gets that drunk that fast. I just want her to stop all together before she falls back in that vodka pattern and things really get bad.
Does anyone have any thoughts on how to show her what she is becoming before it gets really bad again?
Thanks
CJ
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
Hey there and welcome to SR!
As far as having thoughts on how to show her what she is becoming.....trust me when I say I wish I did!!! I came here about a year and half ago looking for the same answer. But the only answer I got was welcome to SR and no, there is nothing you can do.
That's been the hardest part for me....knowing that there is absolutely nothing I can do to help him see who he is. It sucks.
Stick around, read as many posts as you can. I have found my answer to that here and it hurts. But I get the help I need to get all the strength and understanding I could ever ask for.
As far as having thoughts on how to show her what she is becoming.....trust me when I say I wish I did!!! I came here about a year and half ago looking for the same answer. But the only answer I got was welcome to SR and no, there is nothing you can do.
That's been the hardest part for me....knowing that there is absolutely nothing I can do to help him see who he is. It sucks.
Stick around, read as many posts as you can. I have found my answer to that here and it hurts. But I get the help I need to get all the strength and understanding I could ever ask for.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
HI CJ Welcome!!!
You have found a great place for support! Many of us here have gone through or are going through what you are.
What helped me when I realized my husbands drinking was out of control, was to educate myself about the disease of alcoholism. 2 great books that helped me in the beginning are "Marriage on the Rocks" and "Getting Them Sober".
If you check the stickies at the top of this forum you will also find a lot of great, helpful information.
Going to Al-anon and counceling has been very helpful too!
Unfortunately alcoholism is a progressive disease, it gets worse.
If she is getting drunk after one drink, I suspect she is really drinking more, just not around you. I couldn't understand how my AH could be so drunk after 3 beers, until I saw him pouring gin into his beer can.
Thinking about the 3 C's helped me a lot.
I didn't Cause the disease
I can't Control it
I can't Cure it
Keep posting!
You have found a great place for support! Many of us here have gone through or are going through what you are.
What helped me when I realized my husbands drinking was out of control, was to educate myself about the disease of alcoholism. 2 great books that helped me in the beginning are "Marriage on the Rocks" and "Getting Them Sober".
If you check the stickies at the top of this forum you will also find a lot of great, helpful information.
Going to Al-anon and counceling has been very helpful too!
Unfortunately alcoholism is a progressive disease, it gets worse.
If she is getting drunk after one drink, I suspect she is really drinking more, just not around you. I couldn't understand how my AH could be so drunk after 3 beers, until I saw him pouring gin into his beer can.
Thinking about the 3 C's helped me a lot.
I didn't Cause the disease
I can't Control it
I can't Cure it
Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
CJ, as frustrating as these words are going to be...
there is no way to show them what they are becoming. They have to realize it on their own. I tried crying, I tried begging, I tried mirroring behaviors. Not a single thing worked.
He stopped when he saw for himself that his life was going no-where, and he stood to lose everything. We have been separated 7 weeks now, and I have spent that time working on me and getting myself healthy.
Take care of you - she is an adult and choosing her own actions. Keep coming back here in the meantime for support, you will find lots of love and people who have been just where you are.
My RAH was also my high school sweetheart, married for 20 years. I thought I would not be able to live without him. Guess what? I am doing just fine. You'll be ok, too.
there is no way to show them what they are becoming. They have to realize it on their own. I tried crying, I tried begging, I tried mirroring behaviors. Not a single thing worked.
He stopped when he saw for himself that his life was going no-where, and he stood to lose everything. We have been separated 7 weeks now, and I have spent that time working on me and getting myself healthy.
Take care of you - she is an adult and choosing her own actions. Keep coming back here in the meantime for support, you will find lots of love and people who have been just where you are.
My RAH was also my high school sweetheart, married for 20 years. I thought I would not be able to live without him. Guess what? I am doing just fine. You'll be ok, too.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery family, CJ!
You have found a wonderful source of support and information. The weekends are sometimes slow, but stick around and read the sticky posts at the top and explore other areas of the forum.
Have you thought about attending Alanon meetings? They are face-to-face support group meetings for friends and family of alcoholics. It helps to be able to share your experience with others that understand what you are going through. You'll find that type of support here and at meetings.
Please make yourself at home. We're glad you're here.
You have found a wonderful source of support and information. The weekends are sometimes slow, but stick around and read the sticky posts at the top and explore other areas of the forum.
Have you thought about attending Alanon meetings? They are face-to-face support group meetings for friends and family of alcoholics. It helps to be able to share your experience with others that understand what you are going through. You'll find that type of support here and at meetings.
Please make yourself at home. We're glad you're here.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
If she is getting drunk after one drink, I suspect she is really drinking more, just not around you. I couldn't understand how my AH could be so drunk after 3 beers, until I saw him pouring gin into his beer can.
Hiding vodka under the floor mats???? This isn't "I don't think she's an alcoholic". Wow.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
MY 2 cents. Less drinks get her drunk?? If her liver is damaged from booze over the years it can lose ability to metabolize alcohol and the result is greater impact from any amt of alcohol.
Much of your story mirrors my own experience with AW.
Please wath some episodes of "Intervention" on A and E cable so you can understand what an Intervention is, and how it can be successful in getting a loved one into treatment. Interventions can and do work, though not 100%.
Much of your story mirrors my own experience with AW.
Please wath some episodes of "Intervention" on A and E cable so you can understand what an Intervention is, and how it can be successful in getting a loved one into treatment. Interventions can and do work, though not 100%.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 197
Hi Christopher,
I'm sorry to read that you're "going insane here". It's a horrible place to be - I know from first hand experience.
I'm pretty sure no-one here knows how to show your wife what she's becoming, but I'm certain plenty of these guys have the wisdom & experience to help you see what YOU'RE becoming. Read until your eyes fall out. Then put them back in & read some more.
I did - & it literally saved my life.
Take care.
Helen
I'm sorry to read that you're "going insane here". It's a horrible place to be - I know from first hand experience.
I'm pretty sure no-one here knows how to show your wife what she's becoming, but I'm certain plenty of these guys have the wisdom & experience to help you see what YOU'RE becoming. Read until your eyes fall out. Then put them back in & read some more.
I did - & it literally saved my life.Take care.
Helen
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Hi Christopher,
First, sorry, many of us here understand. I hope you find support, strength and encouragement here.
Alcoholics lie about their drinking alllllllll the time. She is drinking more then one glass of wine. Just an educated guess here: The wine is the cover for what she drinks in front of you so that she can say," See, only one drink" while she had already and is drinking slugs of something else in secret.( As if she never drank that much and gets drunk that easy. That's manipulation Christopher :-) Now i do but I drink like once a year and red wine give me an immediate headache. I have zero tolerence as a very rear occassion drinker.)
Christopher, it is bad already. It could get better yet or it could get worse again and you have no control over that. My stbxah stopped drinking vodka , hidden, after 5 years , recently. Now he is not hiding so he is back to being a beer drunk and he also said he stopped the vodka because it made him think crazy. I would agree that he is 'not as bad' since stopping the vodka, however, it is still 'bad' to retain beer drunkenness. He also went through a stage in our 22 years where he would drink a beer in front of me and be drunk after 1....... so it appeared.
She isn't becoming, she is already there, and again an educated guess: she knows. Could the best way to help her and show her be by taking care of you because of how bad it has become for you?
love tammy
First, sorry, many of us here understand. I hope you find support, strength and encouragement here.
Alcoholics lie about their drinking alllllllll the time. She is drinking more then one glass of wine. Just an educated guess here: The wine is the cover for what she drinks in front of you so that she can say," See, only one drink" while she had already and is drinking slugs of something else in secret.( As if she never drank that much and gets drunk that easy. That's manipulation Christopher :-) Now i do but I drink like once a year and red wine give me an immediate headache. I have zero tolerence as a very rear occassion drinker.)
Christopher, it is bad already. It could get better yet or it could get worse again and you have no control over that. My stbxah stopped drinking vodka , hidden, after 5 years , recently. Now he is not hiding so he is back to being a beer drunk and he also said he stopped the vodka because it made him think crazy. I would agree that he is 'not as bad' since stopping the vodka, however, it is still 'bad' to retain beer drunkenness. He also went through a stage in our 22 years where he would drink a beer in front of me and be drunk after 1....... so it appeared.
She isn't becoming, she is already there, and again an educated guess: she knows. Could the best way to help her and show her be by taking care of you because of how bad it has become for you?
love tammy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Christopher
My wife was/is going thru alot of the same time. Me as well. I'm not going to say she is 100% alcoholic, but more like 99%. Truth hurt for the ones that are near the active one.
There IS HOPE for both of you. Neither is guaranteed but the success rate IS VERY high IF each takes action. I am(yours)/was(hers) in the same place and have been sober myself for a long time.
Treatment for her is a start FOR HER,
Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen
Is a place for you to learn, grow and understand. Post questions and read the 'stickies' at the top for general questions.
Take Care!
My wife was/is going thru alot of the same time. Me as well. I'm not going to say she is 100% alcoholic, but more like 99%. Truth hurt for the ones that are near the active one.
There IS HOPE for both of you. Neither is guaranteed but the success rate IS VERY high IF each takes action. I am(yours)/was(hers) in the same place and have been sober myself for a long time.
Treatment for her is a start FOR HER,
Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen
Is a place for you to learn, grow and understand. Post questions and read the 'stickies' at the top for general questions.
Take Care!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Welcome CJ! I'm not at all qualified to speak to your issues, but there are many here who are. Just wanted to say that soberrecovery.com is a fantastic place to be. There is help for the wounded and hurting here, 24x7. I also encourage Alanon. I've been 3x, and it's a good start. Keep coming back to SR, and know that you are understood and supported 100% here. -Tigger
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
Welcome to SR.
I'm a reader, and I found a lot of good information in Beyond the Influence. Understanding alcoholism better has been helpful for me. Just based on the little bit your described, I don't see much room for interpretation on whether she has the disease of alcoholism.
I have also gotten something out of Al Anon. which I did not want to attend but everyone told me I should, and everyone was right. I'm new there, but I've enjoyed it. I"m also looking for a therapist.
Sorry for your pain. Please take care of yourself and your happiness.
I'm a reader, and I found a lot of good information in Beyond the Influence. Understanding alcoholism better has been helpful for me. Just based on the little bit your described, I don't see much room for interpretation on whether she has the disease of alcoholism.
I have also gotten something out of Al Anon. which I did not want to attend but everyone told me I should, and everyone was right. I'm new there, but I've enjoyed it. I"m also looking for a therapist.
Sorry for your pain. Please take care of yourself and your happiness.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: FRANCE
Posts: 56
Hi CJ
I've been where you are now so I know something of what you are going through!
My wife drank for 8 years but finally found the strength and courage to want to fight the disease and face life without the "buffer" of alcohol.Thats been over a year now,many things change when it happens and you have to really look at yourself and go with it or be left behind by the force needed to stay with someone in recovery. Having said that I now know that you can do nothing to "stop" her drinking just be there and if you believe in your relationship hang on in there!
She is drinking more than one glass to get drunk, she is hiding it from you, they all do, all over the world (I live in france!).Its not her "fault" its just how it is.
Looking after yourself is the best way to help her read about it go to groups come here on the forum everything you can do to not feel alone against it all.
Don't worry you are not going insane you are just accepting that she has a problem!
Good luck hang on in there!
Nordic walker.
I've been where you are now so I know something of what you are going through!
My wife drank for 8 years but finally found the strength and courage to want to fight the disease and face life without the "buffer" of alcohol.Thats been over a year now,many things change when it happens and you have to really look at yourself and go with it or be left behind by the force needed to stay with someone in recovery. Having said that I now know that you can do nothing to "stop" her drinking just be there and if you believe in your relationship hang on in there!
She is drinking more than one glass to get drunk, she is hiding it from you, they all do, all over the world (I live in france!).Its not her "fault" its just how it is.
Looking after yourself is the best way to help her read about it go to groups come here on the forum everything you can do to not feel alone against it all.
Don't worry you are not going insane you are just accepting that she has a problem!
Good luck hang on in there!
Nordic walker.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 612
This is coming from your wife's alter ego. I AM her. I hid bottles all over. I would have a glass of red wine and spike it with vodka. I just made sure my husband never had a chance to taste it. She has to be sneaking drinks. I finally made the decision to stop last month after my health and relationships were really starting to suffer (including my spousal relationship). You can't stop her. She needs to want it. Not sure if my recovery will be long lasting but I try to take it, as they say, one day at a time. What I maybe can't do for a lifetime, I think I can do for today and maybe tomorrow. When I found this site, I found it extremely helpful to read other's post, especially the newest of the newcomers. Maybe one of these days, when she is either drunk or sober whichever is her most agreeable time, the 2 of you could sit down at the computer together and just read. But she has to be ready to acknowledge that maybe she has just a teeny bit of a problem. Good luck to you from someone on the other side of the fence.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
I agree with still waters, it is likely more than 1 glass if she is getting that drunk.
If you know for sure she is getting hammered on 1 glass of wine, prepare for the worst - this likely means her liver is giving it up. I pray this is not the case. My uncle before he died of liver failure could get drunk from smelling a bar rag.
Maybe you could have her read this thread and the reality of what she is facing will hit home.
Sending prayers your way.
If you know for sure she is getting hammered on 1 glass of wine, prepare for the worst - this likely means her liver is giving it up. I pray this is not the case. My uncle before he died of liver failure could get drunk from smelling a bar rag.
Maybe you could have her read this thread and the reality of what she is facing will hit home.
Sending prayers your way.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by christopherJ 
She stumbles, does not make sense, the smallest little thing she will drone on about for hours. when I tell her she is really starting to get on my nerves and not making sense, she will not leave me alone to the point we are screaming at each other. that last fight we had, I was about to file for divorce.
Now we have been together for 16 years and I'm only 32 and she is 30 so it's been half our lives together. I have threatened divorces many times, slept in hotels many times and even had ALL her cloths piled at the front door for her to leave the house. I would really rather NOT file but I'm going insane here. The next step is getting that call that she drove drunk and is now in jail for either killing someone or just DWI. I cannot allow that.
Thanks
CJ
Now we have been together for 16 years and I'm only 32 and she is 30 so it's been half our lives together. I have threatened divorces many times, slept in hotels many times and even had ALL her cloths piled at the front door for her to leave the house. I would really rather NOT file but I'm going insane here. The next step is getting that call that she drove drunk and is now in jail for either killing someone or just DWI. I cannot allow that.
Thanks
CJ
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 33
Welcome, I am new here too. Reading other peoples posts really helps. And, try reading the posts from people who are the alcoholics/recovering alcoholics. I have gotten understanding from reading these as well.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Does anyone have any thoughts on how to show her what she is becoming before it gets really bad again?
Sad to say but you could show her a video of herself, you could hold up a mirror, you could have her doctor tell her how bad things look on the inside...it just doesn't matter! She knows what she is and what she is becoming. That's not the problem. The problem is she is an alcoholic who is not ready to choose recovery over drinking.
And unfortunately that's a choice only she can make, it's a choice you have no control over.
What you do have control over is what are you becoming? Very often the mental and physical health of the loved one is worn down to a nub before they see that they are as sick as the alcoholic and not living their full life in almost the same way the alcoholic isn't experienceing a full life.
It becomes a very, very, very small world - the world of the addict...I had to learn that my world was limitless and I was free if I tackled my own problems and faced my own fears and changed my own life!! Alanon helped me figure this out.
Glad you found this place ChristopherJ! Stick around and keep posting.
peace-
b
Sad to say but you could show her a video of herself, you could hold up a mirror, you could have her doctor tell her how bad things look on the inside...it just doesn't matter! She knows what she is and what she is becoming. That's not the problem. The problem is she is an alcoholic who is not ready to choose recovery over drinking.
And unfortunately that's a choice only she can make, it's a choice you have no control over.
What you do have control over is what are you becoming? Very often the mental and physical health of the loved one is worn down to a nub before they see that they are as sick as the alcoholic and not living their full life in almost the same way the alcoholic isn't experienceing a full life.
It becomes a very, very, very small world - the world of the addict...I had to learn that my world was limitless and I was free if I tackled my own problems and faced my own fears and changed my own life!! Alanon helped me figure this out.
Glad you found this place ChristopherJ! Stick around and keep posting.
peace-
b
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
I don't think she is an alcoholic ... She used to hide vodka in all sorts of places
She has recently sopped hiding and has not had Vodka in awhile but the issue now is; even one glass of white wine makes her DRUNK!
Does anyone have any thoughts on how to show her what she is becoming before it gets really bad again?
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