honoryourself

So, my AH has been working hard it seems to improve communication patience apologies drinking spending/working and going to counseling.

While I'm not jumping back in the way I was before, I do want to give this a shot in counseling before giving up completely. I recognize I was / am a big codie and have my issues to work out too before I can determine how happy I am in or out of a realtionship, so I'm not rushing anything at the moment.

My current dilemma is this-- One of my best friends and her fiance, who was getting to be fairly good friends with my AH lately, no longer want to hang out with the two of us together. On the good days, AH and I have alternately invited the two of them to hang out or get together and they have somewhat awkwardly declined the invitation. I had my suspicions but today my friend told me that they just don't want to be around someone like him after hearing the things I told them about him and what he's said / done / etc. They've basically written him off and I know that is completely their choice.

Are my feelings of guilt and rejection totally my codependency kicking in? I feel upset that now I have basically lost the opportunity to hang out jointly with these two friends. They are now totally on my side based on things I told them about the situation.

As a codie, I always hid the worst from everyone I knew, stood up and defended my H in order to sustain certain relationships etc. Finally when I hit a wall I ran crying to friends and family. Now I KNOW there is serious awkwardness between my closest friends and family if they are around my H and I at the same time.

Did I screw up by spilling the beans all over town? Did I ruin these relationships? Is this normal? At first I was like 'f-him if he loses friends over this then he'll see he can't just be an a-hole and nothing bad ever happens.' But at the same time, I'm feeling the negative effects too..

In the times when things are placid or good or ok with H and I, I do enjoy spending time with other people, especially good friends and family--but now I can no longer do that? Blah!

In the pit of my stomach I have this feeling that I recall from childhood/teenhood when I would do something that upset or distanced a friend, or did something wrong and pushed someone away from me. It's like guilt and remorse, sadness, rejection? Something like that. I'm sure it's much to extreme but I feel I am losing a friend over having opened up to them.

It also feels like when I tell people we don't have plans for the weekend or whatever, that we are getting 'pity invites' like, well if you guys want to meet up with us I'm sure that's fine, or whatever. But deep down I'm feeling like no one really wants to be around the BOTH of us after all the drama we've been through and after hearing from me what a jack-a he has been.

Right now, he's being an angel. I'm just confused.


Anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? As I said before,I never opened my mouth so I would never end up having to 'make amends' or excuses for someone afterwards when things got better.
I fear this awkwardness is all I will have to look forward to with all our 'couples' friends and my family even if after all is said and done our marriage is on the mend. I don't want that!

MissFixit

Sorry that you are experiencing that. I used to feel embarrassed too at times from my ex's behavior.

1. His behavior isn't your behavior. He has to own his stuff.

2. People avoiding an active A tends to happen eventually. Cushioning him from that fallout is enabling to a degree (IMHO). People started avoiding ex and me after a while.

3. Can you see the couple without your AH?

honoryourself

MissFixit--
I realize that he doesn't deserve a cushion, and I want to avoid giving him that. I think it's time for him to own up and deal with the negative consequences of his actions.

I just feel all upset that while / if he continues to be working hard and being a good husband, we are now isolated because of it. I could spend time with the couple just as myself. I do also want to spend some time with my husband. It just feels uncomfortable that this is the way it is now, and I'm not sure if / what I can do about it, or if I should do something about it or if I just have to deal with it now too.

I don't want to put people in an awkward position. I feel really bad that the 'last time we hung out' was really awkward for them. I shouldn't feel bad, because it is what it is and they are choosing not to do it again, as they should, if they didn't enjoy the interaction. It wasn't my fault.. but I also don't want to go putting people in a position where they feel compelled to some forced awkward hang out with me and my H. I need my friendships now the most! Will I push them away if I begin spending more time with my H again? Ug. no fun!!

ANEWAUGUST

Hi there...

How long has your husband been sober?

It may take some good recovery time, and his actions show that he is growing in sobreity
before others may want to be around him, and more especially both of you as a couple.

For now, do what you need to please yourself. If it means visiting and enjoying others company without him, then, please do. You don't need to feel badly about any of this.

Give all of this some time. If he continues to work hard on his recovery, others will see you reacting positively, and that will help ease the awkwardness of being together, with you and DH.

True friends will support you thru this time.

Cowgirl1265

My H was so socially difficult that my best friend has not visited me in over two years. My parents refused to come to my house when he was home. I used to be so embarassed by his behavior and his rudeness to people - but I am learning to let him deal with the consequences on his own and not to intervene.
You get to choose your friends. Yes, you would like it if they would be comfortable being around your husband, but they have told you they are not. This isn't something to force on others. At the same time, if your desire and wish is to spend time with your husband without them, how they react to it is their responsibility and not yours. I sense you feeling conflicted between your perceived obligations to your H and to your friends; my advice is that your biggest responsibility is to YOURSELF and your own happiness and serenity. Do what will make YOU happy. Let others sort it out on their own.

honoryourself

Thanks... Yes this is difficult.

I may be reading myself wrong, but here I am actually looking out for what I want to do.. which is to hang out with friends, my H, and/or both together. I'm learning that maybe these aren't all possible based on what my H has done / what I have said to my friends. I guess I'm just frustrated, I can deal with that. It just adds a layer of isolation to me when I'm with my H that I don't really want.

ANEWAUGUST

That may be the way it is right now...but, that isn't forever.

Nothing changes if nothing changes...so, while your relationship is being to change, you may have to make some temporary changes to how and when you get together with friends/family.

Is your H aware of why your friends don't care to be around him?

You say he is going to counceling, is he going to AA?

Most recovery programs will address what your H did in the past, and he can make amends to others at that point in his recovery.

Learn2Live

When my brother and his (now Ex) wife separated, she went around trashing him and his reputation to everyone he knew, including close friends and family. The thing was, she did this so that she could be "right" in the eyes of everyone else. Neither one of them was "right" about anything because they were both doing the same things, drinking and drugging and neglecting their home, their small children, and their other responsibilities.

I'm not saying this is what you did; I don't know you. My point is that when drug and/or alcohol addiction and abuse are involved, people do things they wouldn't otherwise do. Then later, may regret them. That's all. Sorry your friends reacted this way. Perhaps just give them a little time.

Lonewolf515

hmmmmm....well I guess a short-term shot...would be to just tallk to your friends about the disease. Put it out there and just let them know where you're at with it and how they can choose or not choose to remain in the friendship. Stakes, boundaries, etc Knowledge is power in my book.

sailorjohn

Won't say you screwed up, I think it's fairly human to unburden to people when maybe you shouldn't, as TRD says, "share your story with discretion".

Not sure how to go about 'undoing' it, but for the time being you may need to go solo when it comes to what used to be couples friendships.

If it's any consolation, I did the exact same thing myself. Hindsight being 20/20, would not have told a soul outside of groups or individuals that maintain priveledge.

MissFixit

I agree with Sailor John. I don't talk about any alcohol/codie related stuff with anyone other than al anon, SR and my therapist...I have told old friends, but have since stopped doing that as they really didn't understand although many were kind.

Pelican

Many years ago, when I was in a relationship that was going downhill, I was ranting and raving with my girlfriend. I was always telling my close friends what he had done to make me mad, upset, frustrated, etc.

One day my girlfriend said to me "you know, Pelican, I still like him."

WTF? Had she not heard everything I said for the past six months?

Yep, she heard every word! This was her wise explanation to me: "These are things he has done to you. He has never done any of these things to me. He has always been nice to me."

I have re-learned that lesson in the past few years with other friends. As bad as my relationship may be with someone, it does not have any effect on someone else's relationship with the same person.

Many of my friends and family are still friends with my ex. He did not abuse their trust or finances. He did not yell, cuss and throw things around them. He did not drive their cars while drunk. He did not loose control of his bodily functions in their homes, etc. These were my experiences with him. They affect my future relationship with him. period.

I try to live by that example. I try not to let other's opinions cloud my perspective.

honoryourself

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. I actually brought this up with someone at my al-anon meeting yesterday and received the same advice many of you have given. Go to friends for support but spare them the details and it will make everyone's life a little easier. Save the gorey details for someone who's lived through the same or who is disconnected from you -- meeting members, sponsors, therapists.

Unfortunately what made me finally 'hit bottom' was one of the worst screaming matches in history, repeated twice.. once I ran to my parents' house and cried about how awful he was, called my mom crying late one night telling her he was following me around the house shouting mean things at me, and the other time I ran to my best friend's house (these are the mutual friends, her and her fiance) after telling her some of the awful things he had said to me.

Now I have admitted to others that I have my fair share of nasty inappropriate things to say, but I always go for the apology afterwards because I know it's wrong. I just had gotten so caught up in what I see now as reacting rather than rationally thinking through things and leaving the room or whatever. But my H on the other hand wasn't a big apologizer, instead he liked to point the finger at things I said or did so that he could justify his own behavior.

Anyway...
My AH isn't in 'recovery'. I don't know what he is.. I know that in the past month he went from drinking a LOT to drinking a LITTLE. He hasn't made decisions (that I know of) for what we are going to do on an evening or weekend or whatever based on whether or not alcohol will be available, etc. He has put effort into communication and apologizing and caring and loving. I suppose I consider this an opportunity for growth. However I'm not so foolish as to believe any real change can occur without counseling/therapy/group therapy/a program of some sort, whatever it is.
I wouldn't be 'waiting' if he weren't doing one of those things. He doesn't feel he is an alcoholic. I don't know if he is or isn't, if it's become a habit or if it's a disease. I don't care, I know it bothered me and drove me nuts. I know his behaviors match a lot of what I read here. But I'm taking it one day at a time for now.

I may have said things to friends and family that will affect any future relationships with them and my H if we stay together, etc. But I guess I also know that at the time that I made those decisions that it was my first way of admitting that my life was becoming unmanageable. Until saying these things to people close to me I was way too good at hiding the awful reality of what I was experiencing on a bimonthly basis or whatever it was.