new here...dry alcoholism (long)
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 8
new here...dry alcoholism (long)
Hi, I was trying to find some info. online about dry alcoholics, and I came across this website. I'm trying to figure out what to do regarding the situation I am in. A little background first....in my second marriage for about 3 years, have 3 children who are almost all adults now (two live away from me), divorced from 1st husband after 22+ years. Neither one of my parents were alcoholics; my dad drank occasionally, and my mom never drank at all. My dad quit smoking when I was 4, mom never smoked at all. That's not to say there were no alcoholics....there were several on each side of their families, so I did see the chaos there, just didn't have to live with it. I was told that my maternal grandfather was an alcoholic, but I never saw him that way since he became sober when I was a small child. I rarely drink...once in a while I may have a glass of wine with dinner only on the weekends. I do not keep alcohol in my house. My husband has two adult children.
Although alcoholism wasn't on my plate all those years, bipolar disorder has been in my adult years. I have an adult child who was diagnosed as a teen, and is now on a downward spiral because he stopped his meds and therapy. That's another story, and I do not know if he's drinking too since he doesn't live with me. I don't see him anymore because of his abusive behaviors, and his father is extremely codependent because he allows his son to live with him and do the same things to him. I set my boundaries there, and that is one reason why we are divorced. I thought my life would get better, and it was for awhile. I thought I met and married a great guy this time.
The problem I have now is that I believe my husband is a "dry alcoholic." He told me he had a drinking problem at one point in his life and had quit cold turkey over 15 years ago (long before we met). I have never seen him take a drink, and I do not believe he is drinking now. At the time he quit, he was going through a divorce from his second wife, and apparently he was ordered to anger mgmt by the court due to his drinking. He did quit, but refused to attend AA afterward. He said he was able to quit without hearing about everyone else's problems with drinkinkg and just wanted to move on. The woman there told him it was rare that anyone was successful without a support system, so he said that just gave him the incentive to prove her wrong. Since I have no personal experience with alcoholism except from afar, I thought at the time it could be accomplished. I really gave him credit for realizing he was an alcoholic and quit drinking. That was in his past life.
But, since we have been married, I've noticed alot of behaviors that just leave me scratching my head. Life has been rough at times with this economy, my two other children have been diagnosed with life threatening illnesses since our marriage (one almost died), I lost my job due to layoffs and was in a car accident last year that put me a bit behind in my job search. My husband is retired so he does not have a regular job, just a pension and SS, but we both had great savings. I have always been a very resourceful down to earth person and try to stay positive. But, now I find myself falling downward in a great depression and I feel like I'm in a black hole of no escape.
My husband is very angry at everything and everyone...he still talks about things that were done to him when he was in HIGH SCHOOL....this man is retired and in his 60's! The things that come out of his mouth are just so offensive and judgmental. He makes racist remarks saying that certain groups are responsible for the state our country is in, etc. He doesn't trust anyone, and mocks people for their choices. He blames me for everything that goes wrong in his life. He says whatever he wants without regard to my feelings. He overreacts to the smallest of incidents, or anything I say to him he doesn't like. I try really hard to say things in a respectful way, but he always takes me wrong, no matter what. He can be REALLY REALLY mean and nasty. It's always about him.
Also, he grew up in a very dysfunctional, verbally and physically abusive famiy. I thought he came to terms with his feelings regarding his parents. They have both since passed away since I have known him, and they were very elderly. But, I do think he still has alot of anger regarding them, and feels guilty about it.
My youngest son lives with me part time, and I have been able to protect him from this so far. I have told my husband that while "he" won't allow my sons to be disrespectful to me, he does it himself! My husband knows this is a deal breaker.....start this stuff in front of my son, and I will be gone. No exceptions. My son has alot to deal with his illness, and he has also alot in dealing with his brother. My house is going to be a place of serenity, not chaos. It's interesting that my husband tends to hold it back when stepson is around.
What I have done so far....when he is in that state of mind, and I realize it's going nowhere fast....I tell him I will not deal with him unless he calms down, then I LEAVE. I have tried talking to him later about things, but he tends to just blow me off anyway. He dismisses my feelings, and tells me I have no idea about how he is. Basically, he's important, I'm not.
The dry alcoholism symptoms fit him perfectly. It makes sense; he quit drinking, but didn't get past the reasons he drank.
One other thing I noticed and now makes sense: he drinks excessive amounts of diet soft drinks. I mean, literally he can finish two cases within two days. He's totally addicted. I never put it together until recently that he may have substituted a can of beer for a can of cola. We have talked about this being unhealthy in the past, but he cannot stop. He will go to the store late at night to buy it.
We attended marriage counseling last year to help with our communication issues, but that was before I knew about this syndrome. The counselor never brought it up as a possible issue, and she knew about his behaviors and the fact that he admitted to being an alcoholic and never attending therapy. He now tells me I humiliated him during counseling and will never go there with me again. I was so shocked because I thought it really helped and he seemed to be fine with it at the time. Never once then did he say anything like that. I told him when he refuses to get help then it tells me he's not interested in me or our marriage anymore. I think he's refusing to go now because deep down he realizes his drinking issues will come up again and he doesn't want to deal with it.
I am at the point where my self esteen has gotten so low. I have avoided my friends and family for the most part, and it's hard to get motivated to do anything. I run a home business that it getting harder and harder to deal with. I've only done it part time, even when I had a regular job. I used to be so happy and could accomplish almost anything. Even when I had to deal with my son. I'm just so drained and embarrassed.
Thank you for letting me vent and for reading.
~T~
Although alcoholism wasn't on my plate all those years, bipolar disorder has been in my adult years. I have an adult child who was diagnosed as a teen, and is now on a downward spiral because he stopped his meds and therapy. That's another story, and I do not know if he's drinking too since he doesn't live with me. I don't see him anymore because of his abusive behaviors, and his father is extremely codependent because he allows his son to live with him and do the same things to him. I set my boundaries there, and that is one reason why we are divorced. I thought my life would get better, and it was for awhile. I thought I met and married a great guy this time.
The problem I have now is that I believe my husband is a "dry alcoholic." He told me he had a drinking problem at one point in his life and had quit cold turkey over 15 years ago (long before we met). I have never seen him take a drink, and I do not believe he is drinking now. At the time he quit, he was going through a divorce from his second wife, and apparently he was ordered to anger mgmt by the court due to his drinking. He did quit, but refused to attend AA afterward. He said he was able to quit without hearing about everyone else's problems with drinkinkg and just wanted to move on. The woman there told him it was rare that anyone was successful without a support system, so he said that just gave him the incentive to prove her wrong. Since I have no personal experience with alcoholism except from afar, I thought at the time it could be accomplished. I really gave him credit for realizing he was an alcoholic and quit drinking. That was in his past life.
But, since we have been married, I've noticed alot of behaviors that just leave me scratching my head. Life has been rough at times with this economy, my two other children have been diagnosed with life threatening illnesses since our marriage (one almost died), I lost my job due to layoffs and was in a car accident last year that put me a bit behind in my job search. My husband is retired so he does not have a regular job, just a pension and SS, but we both had great savings. I have always been a very resourceful down to earth person and try to stay positive. But, now I find myself falling downward in a great depression and I feel like I'm in a black hole of no escape.
My husband is very angry at everything and everyone...he still talks about things that were done to him when he was in HIGH SCHOOL....this man is retired and in his 60's! The things that come out of his mouth are just so offensive and judgmental. He makes racist remarks saying that certain groups are responsible for the state our country is in, etc. He doesn't trust anyone, and mocks people for their choices. He blames me for everything that goes wrong in his life. He says whatever he wants without regard to my feelings. He overreacts to the smallest of incidents, or anything I say to him he doesn't like. I try really hard to say things in a respectful way, but he always takes me wrong, no matter what. He can be REALLY REALLY mean and nasty. It's always about him.
Also, he grew up in a very dysfunctional, verbally and physically abusive famiy. I thought he came to terms with his feelings regarding his parents. They have both since passed away since I have known him, and they were very elderly. But, I do think he still has alot of anger regarding them, and feels guilty about it.
My youngest son lives with me part time, and I have been able to protect him from this so far. I have told my husband that while "he" won't allow my sons to be disrespectful to me, he does it himself! My husband knows this is a deal breaker.....start this stuff in front of my son, and I will be gone. No exceptions. My son has alot to deal with his illness, and he has also alot in dealing with his brother. My house is going to be a place of serenity, not chaos. It's interesting that my husband tends to hold it back when stepson is around.
What I have done so far....when he is in that state of mind, and I realize it's going nowhere fast....I tell him I will not deal with him unless he calms down, then I LEAVE. I have tried talking to him later about things, but he tends to just blow me off anyway. He dismisses my feelings, and tells me I have no idea about how he is. Basically, he's important, I'm not.
The dry alcoholism symptoms fit him perfectly. It makes sense; he quit drinking, but didn't get past the reasons he drank.
One other thing I noticed and now makes sense: he drinks excessive amounts of diet soft drinks. I mean, literally he can finish two cases within two days. He's totally addicted. I never put it together until recently that he may have substituted a can of beer for a can of cola. We have talked about this being unhealthy in the past, but he cannot stop. He will go to the store late at night to buy it.
We attended marriage counseling last year to help with our communication issues, but that was before I knew about this syndrome. The counselor never brought it up as a possible issue, and she knew about his behaviors and the fact that he admitted to being an alcoholic and never attending therapy. He now tells me I humiliated him during counseling and will never go there with me again. I was so shocked because I thought it really helped and he seemed to be fine with it at the time. Never once then did he say anything like that. I told him when he refuses to get help then it tells me he's not interested in me or our marriage anymore. I think he's refusing to go now because deep down he realizes his drinking issues will come up again and he doesn't want to deal with it.
I am at the point where my self esteen has gotten so low. I have avoided my friends and family for the most part, and it's hard to get motivated to do anything. I run a home business that it getting harder and harder to deal with. I've only done it part time, even when I had a regular job. I used to be so happy and could accomplish almost anything. Even when I had to deal with my son. I'm just so drained and embarrassed.
Thank you for letting me vent and for reading.
~T~
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
First of all, welcome to SR! :ghug2
I'm sorry you are struggling, and you have come to the right place for support.
I have known people in the past who put the bottle down, but did no more as far as internal changes, and they have been like your husband. It's a miserable way to live, and affects everyone around them.
I'd encourage you to read the stickies at the top of this forum. "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is an excellent starter book to read. I'd also highly encourage you to find Alanon meetings in your area where you will find face-to-face support from those who understand.
I completely understand about having low self-esteem and being drained. I have been there many times myself.
Please keep posting, and know you are among friends.
I'm sorry you are struggling, and you have come to the right place for support.
I have known people in the past who put the bottle down, but did no more as far as internal changes, and they have been like your husband. It's a miserable way to live, and affects everyone around them.
I'd encourage you to read the stickies at the top of this forum. "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is an excellent starter book to read. I'd also highly encourage you to find Alanon meetings in your area where you will find face-to-face support from those who understand.
I completely understand about having low self-esteem and being drained. I have been there many times myself.
Please keep posting, and know you are among friends.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 8
Thank you!! I have looked into some local Al-Anon meetings, but haven't quite got to the point of attending. I did talk to one person on the phone that I found on our local list, but I wasn't sure what to think. He told me they don't talk about the family member at all, only about ourselves. I need to talk about my husband first because I want to know if anyone else has one like that. It would be nice to have someone (sponsor)? that I could call sometimes when I have to leave the house to get away from him. Also, if my husband found out I was talking about this to anyone, I don't know what would happen! Thank goodness he isn't computer savvy
It was so different dealing with my bipolar son. When he was young, I had control and could get him help. I had to do the best I could because it was my responsibility as a parent. I was a volunteer with the mental health community in my area for several years, so it's not like I've never been to support groups before. I was so glad when he became an adult and I wasn't legally responsible anymore. I was the one people came to for help with their kids. I was the strong one.
I guess I've run out of steam from those years and just wanted to live out the rest of my life in relative peace. They say God doesn't give you more than what you can handle, so he must have some job lined up for me, LOL!
I will say my two other children are coping with their illnesses like troupers. My youngest son acts more mature than my husband! BTW, my other son is a Juvenile Diabetic, and my daughter has severe autoimmune thyroid disease which will never be cured. She is always sick and her immune system is very weak.
My husband has never had to deal with his children having chronic illnesses. Thank goodness they are fine. But, I have noticed they rarely call him. They are polite at family functions, but don't really go out of their way. They are very nice to me, and have told me they were glad I was there. His first wife and I even get along. I think she feels sorry for me, LOL. I do not believe in carrying out old drama, and it's best for the kids no matter what their age.
Freedom, do dry alcoholics ever get better, esp when it's been so long without help?
~T~
It was so different dealing with my bipolar son. When he was young, I had control and could get him help. I had to do the best I could because it was my responsibility as a parent. I was a volunteer with the mental health community in my area for several years, so it's not like I've never been to support groups before. I was so glad when he became an adult and I wasn't legally responsible anymore. I was the one people came to for help with their kids. I was the strong one.
I guess I've run out of steam from those years and just wanted to live out the rest of my life in relative peace. They say God doesn't give you more than what you can handle, so he must have some job lined up for me, LOL!
I will say my two other children are coping with their illnesses like troupers. My youngest son acts more mature than my husband! BTW, my other son is a Juvenile Diabetic, and my daughter has severe autoimmune thyroid disease which will never be cured. She is always sick and her immune system is very weak.
My husband has never had to deal with his children having chronic illnesses. Thank goodness they are fine. But, I have noticed they rarely call him. They are polite at family functions, but don't really go out of their way. They are very nice to me, and have told me they were glad I was there. His first wife and I even get along. I think she feels sorry for me, LOL. I do not believe in carrying out old drama, and it's best for the kids no matter what their age.
Freedom, do dry alcoholics ever get better, esp when it's been so long without help?
~T~
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Honestly, I've never known one to improve without a program of recovery, sorry to say.
I understand your needing to talk about your husband, and I think that getting active in Alanon and finding a sponsor who you could talk to one on one would really be helpful.
In Alanon, the reason we focus on ourselves is because we have been affected by alcoholism, it's our support system, and we begin to learn new coping tools, and find healing for ourselves.
I have a 31 year old AD who isn't interested in recovery, and I was married to an alcoholic many years ago. I have also been clean/sober myself for 18 years, and sponsor other women in AA, so Alanon has helped me immensely in all areas of my life.
Keep posting, keep talking. We're here to listen. :ghug2
I understand your needing to talk about your husband, and I think that getting active in Alanon and finding a sponsor who you could talk to one on one would really be helpful.
In Alanon, the reason we focus on ourselves is because we have been affected by alcoholism, it's our support system, and we begin to learn new coping tools, and find healing for ourselves.
I have a 31 year old AD who isn't interested in recovery, and I was married to an alcoholic many years ago. I have also been clean/sober myself for 18 years, and sponsor other women in AA, so Alanon has helped me immensely in all areas of my life.
Keep posting, keep talking. We're here to listen. :ghug2
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
I think a severe alcoholic who does not work a program of recovery will always have similar problems like you described. I can tell you one thing not to worry about though, although I do think it's a symbol that your husband is/was a "true alcoholic" and that is the diet soda addiction. I quit drinking and started AA in June, and there are some days I go through 10 diet sodas, easy. For me it's simply a matter of being so used to having a drink in my hand at all times, and diet soda is simply the one that tastes the best to me. A lot of ex-drinkers are that way with coffee, too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 8
Freedom, thank you again! You are right, I can't force him to be different if he doesn't want to. I'm not even sure if he realizes why he feels the way he does. I feel he truly believes that he is cured because is not drinking beer and has not realized on a conscious level that he really does need more than just not drinking. I have told him that I think it's great that he quit drinking the beer; but I have also told him I am shocked at his responses and his behavior and that it doesn't fit the situations. He has said to me he knows I will probably leave him someday just like his exwives and GF did. I have said that I prefer not to be divorced a second time, but there is so much I can take. I have offered to go by myself to counseling, and I hoped that he would go by himself if he didn't want to go together.
You know, I really think in a way he feels insecure with me because he knows I have been a strong person when it comes to my kids, and he is trying to make himself feel better by bringing me down to his dysfunction (although it happens on an unconscious level). I can see where Al-Anon could really help me climb out of that situation and not let me be sucked further down.
Mambo Queen, thank you, also. My husband also told me he likes the taste of diet better than anything else. I had never seen anyone drink so much cola in my life until I met him. He's been sober for over 15 years and still drinks all this soda. I don't even have room in the fridge for regular food because it takes up alot of space. One time he got really mad at me because I took some out to put regular groceries in. He insisted I made his soda taste bad because it got warm after being cold for awhile.
It really struck me at the time, but now I am beginning to understand what it means and why he reacted that way.
Do most people leave their marriages/relationships if the spouse who continues the behavior refuses to change even they don't actually drink? I just keep feeling that once I go to Al-Anon, I will be making plans to leave him. I just do not want to live my life where I can't have peace in my own home.
It's really sad because my husband does have good attributes. I will always love him, but that isn't enough.
Congratulations to you both for coming this far!
~T~
You know, I really think in a way he feels insecure with me because he knows I have been a strong person when it comes to my kids, and he is trying to make himself feel better by bringing me down to his dysfunction (although it happens on an unconscious level). I can see where Al-Anon could really help me climb out of that situation and not let me be sucked further down.
Mambo Queen, thank you, also. My husband also told me he likes the taste of diet better than anything else. I had never seen anyone drink so much cola in my life until I met him. He's been sober for over 15 years and still drinks all this soda. I don't even have room in the fridge for regular food because it takes up alot of space. One time he got really mad at me because I took some out to put regular groceries in. He insisted I made his soda taste bad because it got warm after being cold for awhile.
It really struck me at the time, but now I am beginning to understand what it means and why he reacted that way.
Do most people leave their marriages/relationships if the spouse who continues the behavior refuses to change even they don't actually drink? I just keep feeling that once I go to Al-Anon, I will be making plans to leave him. I just do not want to live my life where I can't have peace in my own home.
It's really sad because my husband does have good attributes. I will always love him, but that isn't enough.
Congratulations to you both for coming this far!
~T~
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: littleton, Colorado
Posts: 146
Taurus-welcome...you have most definitely found the right place. I would start with reading the codependent stickies at a minimum and, of course an al-anon meeting would also open your eyes to the possibilities.
I think your situation and my situation-well, we could finish each others' sentences. My husband was an active A when I met him (I didn't know) and in the 2nd year of our marriage (been married for 7) I found out his secret. He was a "dry drunk" for the last 4 years...and I got worn down (see some of my old posts for more references), much like you are now. This disease will not go away because the A isn't drinking-because, as you have seen, the behaviors stick around if [I]they aren't working a program.[I]
Do they get better? Change is possible-if they work a program and are committed. It took a long time for my RAH to finally "get it" and and it has been a long road, but peace and serenity ARE possible. The key for you-is to take care of you because you cannot control this one like you could your kids...
Keep coming back here-we all care for each other very much.
I think your situation and my situation-well, we could finish each others' sentences. My husband was an active A when I met him (I didn't know) and in the 2nd year of our marriage (been married for 7) I found out his secret. He was a "dry drunk" for the last 4 years...and I got worn down (see some of my old posts for more references), much like you are now. This disease will not go away because the A isn't drinking-because, as you have seen, the behaviors stick around if [I]they aren't working a program.[I]
Do they get better? Change is possible-if they work a program and are committed. It took a long time for my RAH to finally "get it" and and it has been a long road, but peace and serenity ARE possible. The key for you-is to take care of you because you cannot control this one like you could your kids...
Keep coming back here-we all care for each other very much.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
I recently broke up with my partner of 13 1/2 years. She has not had a drink for 25 years. However, as far as I can tell, her recovery is minimal.
Back in 2003-05 she went into a severe dry drunk during which she acted out addictively on-line and sexually. During that same time, she also became one of the most nasty, blaming, hateful, irritable, ungrateful, deceitful people with whom I have ever had the dubious pleasure to be closely associated. We were separated for about 15 months, during which time she once again began to work an AA program....We got back together......but eventually, her enthusiasm for her recovery work seemed to ebb and the dry drunk attitudes and behaviors began to return. About 2 weeks prior to our breaking up, she spoke to me with the exact same bitterly hateful, nasty and totally self-pitying voice that had become pretty much her "normal" voice toward the end of her last dry-drunk. It was scary -- and sad -- but, you know, it sure as h*ll got my attention because I have a pretty strong 12 Step program myself and I have no desire whatsoever to go back to dry-drunkville with her.
I'm just putting that out there so you know that I have some experience with the "dry drunk" phenomenon.
So, OK, based on that experience, here's how I see it: Alcohol is not he alcoholic's problem; Alcohol is the alcoholic's solution to his/her problems.
So, when you have an alcoholic who has "given up" alcohol but who has not found, learned, practiced and become proficient at using new tools with which to address his/her problems (i.e. someone who has not had profound personality change and is not actively working some kind of program of recovery), you basically have someone who has a lot of problems and all of the pain that goes along with that.
Such a person is bound to be miserable, nasty and excrutiatingly, desperately unhappy.
In my personal experience, spending much time with people like that also tends to make me miserable and to cause me to question reality and to lead me to wasting a lot of time and energy that I could be spending trying to take care of myself and furthering my own spiritual/emotional growth and healing on trying to reason with and/or take care of and/or anticipate & defuse the craziness of the dry drunk.
Obviously, since I know very, very well that I do not have any more right or and more ability to get a dry drunk into recovery than I have to get an active drunk into recovery, my personal solution to this problem is to get the dry drunk out of my life.
I don't know what your solution will be, but Al Anon might be a good place to start to try to figure that out.
freya
P.S. This: is a very important insight. If you truly know this in your heart and soul, you have got a good part of your work done already!!!
Back in 2003-05 she went into a severe dry drunk during which she acted out addictively on-line and sexually. During that same time, she also became one of the most nasty, blaming, hateful, irritable, ungrateful, deceitful people with whom I have ever had the dubious pleasure to be closely associated. We were separated for about 15 months, during which time she once again began to work an AA program....We got back together......but eventually, her enthusiasm for her recovery work seemed to ebb and the dry drunk attitudes and behaviors began to return. About 2 weeks prior to our breaking up, she spoke to me with the exact same bitterly hateful, nasty and totally self-pitying voice that had become pretty much her "normal" voice toward the end of her last dry-drunk. It was scary -- and sad -- but, you know, it sure as h*ll got my attention because I have a pretty strong 12 Step program myself and I have no desire whatsoever to go back to dry-drunkville with her.
I'm just putting that out there so you know that I have some experience with the "dry drunk" phenomenon.
So, OK, based on that experience, here's how I see it: Alcohol is not he alcoholic's problem; Alcohol is the alcoholic's solution to his/her problems.
So, when you have an alcoholic who has "given up" alcohol but who has not found, learned, practiced and become proficient at using new tools with which to address his/her problems (i.e. someone who has not had profound personality change and is not actively working some kind of program of recovery), you basically have someone who has a lot of problems and all of the pain that goes along with that.
Such a person is bound to be miserable, nasty and excrutiatingly, desperately unhappy.
In my personal experience, spending much time with people like that also tends to make me miserable and to cause me to question reality and to lead me to wasting a lot of time and energy that I could be spending trying to take care of myself and furthering my own spiritual/emotional growth and healing on trying to reason with and/or take care of and/or anticipate & defuse the craziness of the dry drunk.
Obviously, since I know very, very well that I do not have any more right or and more ability to get a dry drunk into recovery than I have to get an active drunk into recovery, my personal solution to this problem is to get the dry drunk out of my life.
I don't know what your solution will be, but Al Anon might be a good place to start to try to figure that out.
freya
P.S. This:
Originally Posted by taurus 
It's really sad because my husband does have good attributes. I will always love him, but that isn't enough.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
You sound like you really get it, so pat yourself on the back. You seem to be looking at things objectively.
Your post helped me too because at times I have questioned if my husband is an alcoholic just because he is functioning or if he hasn't drank for a few days or a week, that maybe he doesn't have a problem. But I do believe the truth is that drinking or not drinking he is a miserable person inside and doesn't know how to be kind to the ones he loves. His relationship skills are minimal at best and come out in bursts of mean, nasty behavior interspersed with lavish displays of love and affection. At the bottom of it all is the fact that he can't find ground to stand on within himself. Unless he wants to deal with his underlying issues then I'm sure it will always be that way with him.
It's so sad and frustrating but I would say that if over time your husband's behavior is not changing/doesn't change, regardless of whether or not he is consuming alcohol, it would be a good point to determine what makes you happier. Recently I've found I am a lot happier and more sane when I spend time apart from my AH than when I'm with him, trying to reason / discuss / argue / diffuse the anger, whatever it is.
It's so hard dealing with someone who makes a mountain out of a molehill with everything!
Your post helped me too because at times I have questioned if my husband is an alcoholic just because he is functioning or if he hasn't drank for a few days or a week, that maybe he doesn't have a problem. But I do believe the truth is that drinking or not drinking he is a miserable person inside and doesn't know how to be kind to the ones he loves. His relationship skills are minimal at best and come out in bursts of mean, nasty behavior interspersed with lavish displays of love and affection. At the bottom of it all is the fact that he can't find ground to stand on within himself. Unless he wants to deal with his underlying issues then I'm sure it will always be that way with him.
It's so sad and frustrating but I would say that if over time your husband's behavior is not changing/doesn't change, regardless of whether or not he is consuming alcohol, it would be a good point to determine what makes you happier. Recently I've found I am a lot happier and more sane when I spend time apart from my AH than when I'm with him, trying to reason / discuss / argue / diffuse the anger, whatever it is.
It's so hard dealing with someone who makes a mountain out of a molehill with everything!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 8
Mermaid Girl and Freya, thank you so much! I am already starting to feel better and more in control. In fact, I got a little behind on work today, but now I have some ambition to at least get creative again! I may be working tonight, but at least I won't be laying on the couch crying and feeling sorry for myself again.
Mermaid Girl, that is really exciting to see that things improved for your husband! I will say a good thing happened with mine this afternoon. One of the things he does that I finally had to bring up with him is the fact that he doesn't always pick up after himself. Of course, alot of guys, drinkers or not, are like that. He'll track in all kinds of mud and dirt from working outside and I'm always the one to clean it up, sometimes more than a dozen times in one day. He got really mad at me because I told him it would really be helpful for me if I didn't have to clean up after him and my son so much (I have alot of conversations with my son over this). Well, this afternoon, I caught him sweeping up the floor on his own! I thought this was a good chance to show him I am a reasonable person....I thanked him for helping me. I could tell it really made his day for me to acknowledge that. I know that sounds silly, but there are times like that when I know deep down he has it inside to do something outside of himself.
With that being said....it still doesn't change the situation.
Freya, I have to agree with you. I went through this with my older son. I cut him out of my life for now because I do not want to be brought down into his bipolar, negative, depressing world. It had gotten so bad with him that conversations were out of the question. He would rant and rave and challenge me on all kinds of bizarre topics. Then, he would sound sane and actually want to talk about his real feelings. It was a constant barrage of: I am so stupid, mom, don't you understand I have never felt normal since I was born, I'm nothing but a loser, a loner, a worthless piece of s*** that will never be anyone or go anywhere in life. As a mom, it's very difficult to hear your child be this way, but I cannot change him. He will never listen to me, doesn't want to. I know he will end up dead. I did everything I could when he was a kid, and now that he is an adult. He had suicide attempts as a child before he got the right meds. I had to walk away from now, but he knows I would be there if he really wants the help....no games.
I will say this: it was EXTREMELY hard to do this, he's my SON....so if I was strong enough for that, I can deal with my husband (this is what I tell myself). There are so many times I have cried night after night over all these things, and even thought my life was worth nothing if all the people around me were self-destructing...what have I done wrong? But, it's been my other kids that keep me going, plus my pets that need me.
I agree that spending time with alot of negativity is not good. We can start as the most positive people in the world, and before we know it, we are miserable. I hate feeling like that!!!
I know deep down that love itself isn't enough. I guess it changes to "tough love."
I'm not at the point of leaving yet. I'll wait and see how things go. One thing on my side is that my husband travels during the winter for his sports so we will be apart for awhile. I'll use that time for myself and see what happens.
Thank you again for the warm welcomes!
~T~
Mermaid Girl, that is really exciting to see that things improved for your husband! I will say a good thing happened with mine this afternoon. One of the things he does that I finally had to bring up with him is the fact that he doesn't always pick up after himself. Of course, alot of guys, drinkers or not, are like that. He'll track in all kinds of mud and dirt from working outside and I'm always the one to clean it up, sometimes more than a dozen times in one day. He got really mad at me because I told him it would really be helpful for me if I didn't have to clean up after him and my son so much (I have alot of conversations with my son over this). Well, this afternoon, I caught him sweeping up the floor on his own! I thought this was a good chance to show him I am a reasonable person....I thanked him for helping me. I could tell it really made his day for me to acknowledge that. I know that sounds silly, but there are times like that when I know deep down he has it inside to do something outside of himself.
With that being said....it still doesn't change the situation.
Freya, I have to agree with you. I went through this with my older son. I cut him out of my life for now because I do not want to be brought down into his bipolar, negative, depressing world. It had gotten so bad with him that conversations were out of the question. He would rant and rave and challenge me on all kinds of bizarre topics. Then, he would sound sane and actually want to talk about his real feelings. It was a constant barrage of: I am so stupid, mom, don't you understand I have never felt normal since I was born, I'm nothing but a loser, a loner, a worthless piece of s*** that will never be anyone or go anywhere in life. As a mom, it's very difficult to hear your child be this way, but I cannot change him. He will never listen to me, doesn't want to. I know he will end up dead. I did everything I could when he was a kid, and now that he is an adult. He had suicide attempts as a child before he got the right meds. I had to walk away from now, but he knows I would be there if he really wants the help....no games.
I will say this: it was EXTREMELY hard to do this, he's my SON....so if I was strong enough for that, I can deal with my husband (this is what I tell myself). There are so many times I have cried night after night over all these things, and even thought my life was worth nothing if all the people around me were self-destructing...what have I done wrong? But, it's been my other kids that keep me going, plus my pets that need me.
I agree that spending time with alot of negativity is not good. We can start as the most positive people in the world, and before we know it, we are miserable. I hate feeling like that!!!
I know deep down that love itself isn't enough. I guess it changes to "tough love."
I'm not at the point of leaving yet. I'll wait and see how things go. One thing on my side is that my husband travels during the winter for his sports so we will be apart for awhile. I'll use that time for myself and see what happens.
Thank you again for the warm welcomes!
~T~
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Taurus, I have great admiration for you! I've only been in the SR family for a short while, so am not qualified to say much. But living with an AH myself, and experiencing the gigantic mood swings (from perfect gentleman, to telling me bizarre things about myself to cut me down), I understand all your descriptions... particularly your love and admiration for him, and your knowledge that you probably can't live with that kind of behavior and survive.
This SR family is amazing; supportive, understanding, encouraging, tough love from time to time, but in the most sensitive and "I've been there" sort of way.
As folks have said; take care of yourself. Go to Al-Anon (my 1st meeting is tomorrow), and a counselor (my first session was this past Tuesday), and by all means, frequent SR... you'll find nothing but good stuff here... read other posts too, you'll get wonderfully helpful information from them.
****{HUGS}}} Tigger
This SR family is amazing; supportive, understanding, encouraging, tough love from time to time, but in the most sensitive and "I've been there" sort of way.
As folks have said; take care of yourself. Go to Al-Anon (my 1st meeting is tomorrow), and a counselor (my first session was this past Tuesday), and by all means, frequent SR... you'll find nothing but good stuff here... read other posts too, you'll get wonderfully helpful information from them.
****{HUGS}}} Tigger
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
I am a "newbie" here, too, and have already found so much support and wisdom.
I'm hearing you describe some "crazy-making behavior", a form of abuse; and some "irritable male syndrome". Research on both have helped me begin to understand my husband's behaviors. For some reason, when they know something inside is wrong or painful, they KNOW IT CAN'T BE THEM, so it must be their wives, families. Major denial.
My husband of 27 years is divorcing me because he is "empty inside, and if I can get away from you, after a period of self-loathing, I will be happy." Exact quote.
Doesn't make sense, he uses alcohol to self-medicate, so what came first, the pain/depression or the alcohol...doesn't matter...they're intertwined and he denies both.
Not what you want to hear, I'm sure, but it helps me to begin to understand what is going on inside him, even if I can't change/control it.
Best wishes to you. Hang in there...I am finding myself untwisting after all the abuse and it feels good. You will find support here...keep posting.
I'm hearing you describe some "crazy-making behavior", a form of abuse; and some "irritable male syndrome". Research on both have helped me begin to understand my husband's behaviors. For some reason, when they know something inside is wrong or painful, they KNOW IT CAN'T BE THEM, so it must be their wives, families. Major denial.
My husband of 27 years is divorcing me because he is "empty inside, and if I can get away from you, after a period of self-loathing, I will be happy." Exact quote.
Doesn't make sense, he uses alcohol to self-medicate, so what came first, the pain/depression or the alcohol...doesn't matter...they're intertwined and he denies both.
Not what you want to hear, I'm sure, but it helps me to begin to understand what is going on inside him, even if I can't change/control it.
Best wishes to you. Hang in there...I am finding myself untwisting after all the abuse and it feels good. You will find support here...keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Something I hear here frequently
Sometimes alcohol gets too much credit
to me he sounds wounded and unevolved, I have people in my life like that where alcohol has nothing to do with their behavior, I have found learning how to set boundaries and keep them and protect myself is what is important rather then "diagnosing them"
At some point in my "evolution" "they" and "their actions" became unimportant compared to learning how to navigate life in such a way that I didn't make decisions based on self that place me in a position to be hurt. I mean it's important to have enough knowledge about their behavior so I can see their behavior "coming" at me, but it's far more important for me to learn about me, my motives, my expectations, how to set healthy boundaries blah blah, If I "fix" me, rather then concentrate on "them" and "their behavior" it's like having an emotional teflon coating, a Tiger CAN'T hurt me if I don't stick my head in it's mouth or get in it's cage with it.
You can't lose if you don't play, and I have found the saying it takes two to tango is never not true
that all being said here are a few things I found helpful
Physical & Emotional Abuse Discussions at DailyStrength: Worth Reading and re-posting...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...bal-abuse.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...are-store.html
Sometimes alcohol gets too much credit
to me he sounds wounded and unevolved, I have people in my life like that where alcohol has nothing to do with their behavior, I have found learning how to set boundaries and keep them and protect myself is what is important rather then "diagnosing them"
At some point in my "evolution" "they" and "their actions" became unimportant compared to learning how to navigate life in such a way that I didn't make decisions based on self that place me in a position to be hurt. I mean it's important to have enough knowledge about their behavior so I can see their behavior "coming" at me, but it's far more important for me to learn about me, my motives, my expectations, how to set healthy boundaries blah blah, If I "fix" me, rather then concentrate on "them" and "their behavior" it's like having an emotional teflon coating, a Tiger CAN'T hurt me if I don't stick my head in it's mouth or get in it's cage with it.
You can't lose if you don't play, and I have found the saying it takes two to tango is never not true
that all being said here are a few things I found helpful
Physical & Emotional Abuse Discussions at DailyStrength: Worth Reading and re-posting...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...bal-abuse.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...are-store.html
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: littleton, Colorado
Posts: 146
Taurus-I must say that my husband didn't change on his own accord. No-not at all. I started to truly take care of myself and I wouldn't accept his behavior. I also didn't ask for more than he could give-and I know this may sound confusing. It is the difference between expectation from him to expectation to taking care of myself. He saw this change in me and fought it. However-I had hit a point where it didn't matter to me what he fought or didn't fight because I was seeing reality and I was...happy. I was happy [I]regardless[I] (and this was key for me) of how he wanted to live his life. I simply woke up grateful-and he didn't, but I didn't care. I just kept going toward the light, if you will.
I guess what we are all kind of saying in our own way is that change starts with you, and whether or not he wants a piece of that is up to him.
:ghug3
I guess what we are all kind of saying in our own way is that change starts with you, and whether or not he wants a piece of that is up to him.
:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 8
A BIG THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS POSTED! I appreciate that you are all very welcoming and say things in a nice way. I've been on forums (not related to this topic) where people there just literally TORE each other apart and were so incredibly nasty. Lots of flaming. That is just a waste of time.
Lavash, this quote: "The woman there told him it was rare that anyone was successful without a support system, so he said that just gave him the incentive to prove her wrong" It seems to me he likes a good challenge." My husband is very competitive in sports, and when he was young, he was scouted for major league baseball. He is still in great shape and plays ball most of the year. I'm glad he has something he enjoys, but sometimes I think it comes before other important things. I do give him lots of space; hence he gets to leave for 3 months! He travels around playing and practicing. These guys are SERIOUS, I try to get there part of the time since it's a warmer state. He's much more relaxed at those times. I do get time for me to see my friends and do whatever. Other wives are also at home, so we support each other. He does have self discipline when it comes to sports, so that may be of help to him later on.
I am glad your BF is trying to get better in AA.
Tigger, let me know how your meeting goes tomorrow! I am hoping to attend one on Monday. Christmas is a busy time for me and the weekends now are pretty much tied up. I am still a bit unsure of which one to attend. I used to see a psychiatrist when my son was at home, but haven't seen him in two years. I'm not sure I want to go back to him because I am so embarrassed! I know I shouldn't be. He was very helpful at the time, though.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, NewChapter. Divorce is hard no matter what the circumstances. Your husband is doing you a huge favor. I'm so glad you are feeling good getting away from the abuse. What he says doesn't make any sense. My husband says things like that that are very mean. I've gone through a divorce once, and it was really rough on the kids even though they saw it coming. My first husband was not an alcoholic; however, he was a huge pot smoker in his younger days (before we met), and I believe he continued after our marriage behind my back. He was a dishonest person. His brother was a severe alcoholic and had been arrested for domestic violence several times by his then wife. I noticed that their entire family was in denial, and put their boys up on pedestals. I was not considered good enough for their boy, and my ex was a huge mama's boy. It got so bad by the time I left. My children had illnesses because it was my fault.
I walked away from them all and never looked back.
It felt sooooo good to set those boundaries!
Ago, I agree with you. We can't always blame alcohol because of bad behaviors. It does get alot of attention, too much. It is good to know what is going on with the person in order to know how to set our boundaries, then try not to let it control us, too.
My ex and I fought alot more than I do with my husband now. The reason is I decided not to let things get that far out of control ever again...I am alot better at maintaining and not losing my temper. Believe me, it's HARD. But, I find that it's much easier to say what I need to say calmly because I do think it has alot more power than screaming and yelling. Not to say I'm always calm because I'm not perfect. If I feel myself getting really angry, I get away fast.
The bad part is I'm still angry and take it out on myself. That's when the negative thoughts flood my mind about what a worthless person I've become. I know deep down I shouldn't do that, but it's hard to stop sometimes.
I hope you all don't think I'm strange, but I have always felt my angels around me. I've had some "psychic" experiences in my past, even once being rescued from one serious car accident, and a month later been spared from another one. I was pregnant with my youngest at the time. I had a physical experience from an angel on the second accident where my driving was literally taken over and my car was stopped just SECONDS before a young girl ran the red light at 60 mph, missing my car by inches. A police officer witnessed the whole thing, and it shook him up. I literally felt the presence. They have been around ever since.
My friend and I visited a huge convention recently where it was geared toward holistic health, aromatherapy, etc. There were also reputable mediums there (ok...don't think I'm weird) so my friend and I decided to try one for fun. This woman was so genuine and unbelievable! She told me right away that I had many angels and guides around me and that they were there because I attracted their energy because mine was so strong. Strangely enough, this woman has a son EXACTLY like mine, but he's a bit younger. It was like meeting my twin.
Knowing I have had this around me for years is what helps me keep my strength. This was before all the things happened with my children, so I believe they saved me in that accident because of what was to come. I also have strong intuitions at times and because of that, my youngest son lived from his diabetic ketoacidosis. He wasn't with me for a few days when he got ill, and I was so beside myself two days before he came home that something was really wrong. The docs told me if I hadn't followed that gut, he would have died. He got to the hospital only a couple of hours before certain death.
Sorry to ramble on so much!!
Thank you again everyone, and for posting all the great links! I will be keeping very busy.
~T~
Lavash, this quote: "The woman there told him it was rare that anyone was successful without a support system, so he said that just gave him the incentive to prove her wrong" It seems to me he likes a good challenge." My husband is very competitive in sports, and when he was young, he was scouted for major league baseball. He is still in great shape and plays ball most of the year. I'm glad he has something he enjoys, but sometimes I think it comes before other important things. I do give him lots of space; hence he gets to leave for 3 months! He travels around playing and practicing. These guys are SERIOUS,
I try to get there part of the time since it's a warmer state. He's much more relaxed at those times. I do get time for me to see my friends and do whatever. Other wives are also at home, so we support each other. He does have self discipline when it comes to sports, so that may be of help to him later on. I am glad your BF is trying to get better in AA.
Tigger, let me know how your meeting goes tomorrow! I am hoping to attend one on Monday. Christmas is a busy time for me and the weekends now are pretty much tied up. I am still a bit unsure of which one to attend. I used to see a psychiatrist when my son was at home, but haven't seen him in two years. I'm not sure I want to go back to him because I am so embarrassed! I know I shouldn't be. He was very helpful at the time, though.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, NewChapter. Divorce is hard no matter what the circumstances. Your husband is doing you a huge favor. I'm so glad you are feeling good getting away from the abuse. What he says doesn't make any sense. My husband says things like that that are very mean. I've gone through a divorce once, and it was really rough on the kids even though they saw it coming. My first husband was not an alcoholic; however, he was a huge pot smoker in his younger days (before we met), and I believe he continued after our marriage behind my back. He was a dishonest person. His brother was a severe alcoholic and had been arrested for domestic violence several times by his then wife. I noticed that their entire family was in denial, and put their boys up on pedestals. I was not considered good enough for their boy, and my ex was a huge mama's boy. It got so bad by the time I left. My children had illnesses because it was my fault.
I walked away from them all and never looked back.
It felt sooooo good to set those boundaries!
Ago, I agree with you. We can't always blame alcohol because of bad behaviors. It does get alot of attention, too much. It is good to know what is going on with the person in order to know how to set our boundaries, then try not to let it control us, too.
My ex and I fought alot more than I do with my husband now. The reason is I decided not to let things get that far out of control ever again...I am alot better at maintaining and not losing my temper. Believe me, it's HARD. But, I find that it's much easier to say what I need to say calmly because I do think it has alot more power than screaming and yelling. Not to say I'm always calm because I'm not perfect. If I feel myself getting really angry, I get away fast.
The bad part is I'm still angry and take it out on myself. That's when the negative thoughts flood my mind about what a worthless person I've become. I know deep down I shouldn't do that, but it's hard to stop sometimes.
I hope you all don't think I'm strange, but I have always felt my angels around me. I've had some "psychic" experiences in my past, even once being rescued from one serious car accident, and a month later been spared from another one. I was pregnant with my youngest at the time. I had a physical experience from an angel on the second accident where my driving was literally taken over and my car was stopped just SECONDS before a young girl ran the red light at 60 mph, missing my car by inches. A police officer witnessed the whole thing, and it shook him up. I literally felt the presence. They have been around ever since.
My friend and I visited a huge convention recently where it was geared toward holistic health, aromatherapy, etc. There were also reputable mediums there (ok...don't think I'm weird) so my friend and I decided to try one for fun. This woman was so genuine and unbelievable! She told me right away that I had many angels and guides around me and that they were there because I attracted their energy because mine was so strong. Strangely enough, this woman has a son EXACTLY like mine, but he's a bit younger. It was like meeting my twin.
Knowing I have had this around me for years is what helps me keep my strength. This was before all the things happened with my children, so I believe they saved me in that accident because of what was to come. I also have strong intuitions at times and because of that, my youngest son lived from his diabetic ketoacidosis. He wasn't with me for a few days when he got ill, and I was so beside myself two days before he came home that something was really wrong. The docs told me if I hadn't followed that gut, he would have died. He got to the hospital only a couple of hours before certain death.
Sorry to ramble on so much!!
Thank you again everyone, and for posting all the great links! I will be keeping very busy.
~T~
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 8
MermaidGirl, I really think that is a great way to handle this!! You are so right. I know I am going on the right path now because of all the great advice. I've tried using what I learned years ago in handling my bipolar son, and some remains the same. However, since it is my husband I have to contend with, it is a little different. Sometimes, family members get very upset when you set boundaries and move forward being happy. My son gets very angry at me because I walked away. He's thinks I'm happier without him, but he hasn't yet figured out it's his behavior I walked away from, not him. This is a chance that I have to take with my husband. He may not like it, accept it, or want to deal with it. But, that is HIS issue, just like my son has to deal with his.
We did have a calm night tonight; enough where we could at least have a good conversation. My husband had to make his cola run. I used that opportunity to talk to him about it. I asked him if he could stop drinking soda easily. He said he didn't want to, he liked the taste. I asked him then what if the doctor told him he HAD to quit drinking it for his health? He said he would quit. So far, so good. So, I casually asked him if drinking beer all those years ago was like drinking the colas. He was very receptive to me, and said yes, it was like that, except he did most of his drinking at bars away from his kids. I'm just planting a seed in his mind. He didn't get mad, and I didn't say anything else about it.
I'm going on too much again...I am sorry! I hope everyone has a good night and a good Friday!
~T~
We did have a calm night tonight; enough where we could at least have a good conversation. My husband had to make his cola run. I used that opportunity to talk to him about it. I asked him if he could stop drinking soda easily. He said he didn't want to, he liked the taste. I asked him then what if the doctor told him he HAD to quit drinking it for his health? He said he would quit. So far, so good. So, I casually asked him if drinking beer all those years ago was like drinking the colas. He was very receptive to me, and said yes, it was like that, except he did most of his drinking at bars away from his kids. I'm just planting a seed in his mind. He didn't get mad, and I didn't say anything else about it.
I'm going on too much again...I am sorry! I hope everyone has a good night and a good Friday!
~T~
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
We did have a calm night tonight; enough where we could at least have a good conversation. My husband had to make his cola run. I used that opportunity to talk to him about it. I asked him if he could stop drinking soda easily. He said he didn't want to, he liked the taste. I asked him then what if the doctor told him he HAD to quit drinking it for his health? He said he would quit. So far, so good. So, I casually asked him if drinking beer all those years ago was like drinking the colas. He was very receptive to me, and said yes, it was like that, except he did most of his drinking at bars away from his kids. I'm just planting a seed in his mind. He didn't get mad, and I didn't say anything else about it.
I'm not sure if we have a friends and family of people who drink too much diet soda forum
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
I thought my AH was a dry drunk. I got tired of his behavior and told him we needed time apart. He then told me that he hadn't quit drinking as he had said, although he did have months when he didn't drink.
For me, I had reached the point where I gave up figuring out the why's of his behavior, and instead focused on what I needed. He is now in rehab (week 4, with at least 2 more to go). I'm new in Al Anon, and really like it.
Good luck to you. Sounds like you've had a very rough time on many fronts.
For me, I had reached the point where I gave up figuring out the why's of his behavior, and instead focused on what I needed. He is now in rehab (week 4, with at least 2 more to go). I'm new in Al Anon, and really like it.
Good luck to you. Sounds like you've had a very rough time on many fronts.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: littleton, Colorado
Posts: 146
Taurus-I kind of agree with Ago. I would suggest focusing on your needs right now...let go of the "stuff" that you don't need to control, but are impulsive to do so. Many formerly active As drink other things such as sodas, etc. because they are used to drinking things with sugar in them. I also have read that many alcoholics crave sugar-and this doesn't go away just because they are not actively drinking.
My husband has a rediculous sugar addiction! I kind of laugh to myself over it-because he will always have it. He too, loves Cokes, and refuses to drink any diet sodas. He also likes fizzy things-so when he is at home he drinks flavored (calorie free) bubbly water, but when we are out-he can suck down many a Coke.
Is the soda thing a deal breaker? Do you really need to understand why? I find the time of the day odd for him to go purchase his drinks...ya know?
I would also consider looking at setting boundaries with your husband as caretaking for yourself. When I found myself confused with the boundar and detachment "cruel" to my RAH, I started to look at it as a way to not let myself down. "I don't deserve to be treated this way", and "I wouldn't engage with a stranger who has behavior like this, so why would I put up with it from the person that is supposed to love me?"...I think you are getting the idea.
I hope your Friday is awesome.
My husband has a rediculous sugar addiction! I kind of laugh to myself over it-because he will always have it. He too, loves Cokes, and refuses to drink any diet sodas. He also likes fizzy things-so when he is at home he drinks flavored (calorie free) bubbly water, but when we are out-he can suck down many a Coke.
Is the soda thing a deal breaker? Do you really need to understand why? I find the time of the day odd for him to go purchase his drinks...ya know?
I would also consider looking at setting boundaries with your husband as caretaking for yourself. When I found myself confused with the boundar and detachment "cruel" to my RAH, I started to look at it as a way to not let myself down. "I don't deserve to be treated this way", and "I wouldn't engage with a stranger who has behavior like this, so why would I put up with it from the person that is supposed to love me?"...I think you are getting the idea.
I hope your Friday is awesome.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I'm a soda drinker. I love my sodas, they are the only thing that cuts through the allergy drainage (sorry for the tmi).
Actually, any fizzy drink helps - but the fruity fizzy drinks are more expensive...so..
I had no idea my soda drinking could be a deal breaker for someone. So be it.
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