new here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 33
new here
Hello, I am new here. I am also new to the fact of knowing that my son is an alcoholic. I had my suspicions but he really hid the fact very very well. In July I had to put him in the hospital for detox which just threw me for a loop because I did not know the extent of his drinking. He does not live with me. He is 25 years old. On discharge he started back drinking. This lasted for about five weeks until he got so sick he could not drink any more. He stopped, promised that he wasn't going to do it again, and then the same thing happened. Every time he drinks, the sickness comes back sooner.
My question is... am I doing the right thing by going to him and helping him when he gets sick? He calls me when he is throwing up and can't eat after a few days of binge drinking. He is scared to death that he is going to go into DTs again and does not want to be alone when that happens.
I am getting very tired of this and have told him that I might not come back to help the next time he calls me. What should I do? I don't want him to die because I wasn't there to help him but I can't physically or emotionally do this anymore. I am having anxiety so bad it is physically making me sick. I need advice.
My question is... am I doing the right thing by going to him and helping him when he gets sick? He calls me when he is throwing up and can't eat after a few days of binge drinking. He is scared to death that he is going to go into DTs again and does not want to be alone when that happens.
I am getting very tired of this and have told him that I might not come back to help the next time he calls me. What should I do? I don't want him to die because I wasn't there to help him but I can't physically or emotionally do this anymore. I am having anxiety so bad it is physically making me sick. I need advice.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery family!
You have come to the right place for support and information. Please read some of the sticky posts at the top of the forum. The sticky posts contain some of our stories and what we have done to recover from the effects of living with active alcoholism in our lives.
You are doing well in admitting to yourself and your son that you can not be there for him everytime he keeps going back to alcohol. He needs to learn to take care of himself now that he is an adult. His actions = his consequences.
Have you checked into Alanon Meetings in your area? They are a wonderful source of face-to-face support with people who have experienced the same thing you are experiencing. The meetings are based on the 12 steps and traditions of AA.
One of the things you will learn about alcoholism from Alanon and here are the 3 C's:
You did not cause the addiction to alcohol
You can not control the addiction to alcohol
You will not cure the addiction to alcohol.
Pull up your keyboard and make yourself at home! We care about you!
You have come to the right place for support and information. Please read some of the sticky posts at the top of the forum. The sticky posts contain some of our stories and what we have done to recover from the effects of living with active alcoholism in our lives.
You are doing well in admitting to yourself and your son that you can not be there for him everytime he keeps going back to alcohol. He needs to learn to take care of himself now that he is an adult. His actions = his consequences.
Have you checked into Alanon Meetings in your area? They are a wonderful source of face-to-face support with people who have experienced the same thing you are experiencing. The meetings are based on the 12 steps and traditions of AA.
One of the things you will learn about alcoholism from Alanon and here are the 3 C's:
You did not cause the addiction to alcohol
You can not control the addiction to alcohol
You will not cure the addiction to alcohol.
Pull up your keyboard and make yourself at home! We care about you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 33
Thank you. I went to one meeting for families and two meetings with him at AA. He always has an excuse not to go to the meetings. I guess I have had "excuses" too because I have only been to one Al-Anon. I really do think it would help but I guess I am just so emotional right now I really did not want to go in there and cry the whole time I was there. I couldn't even tell my story because when I get upset I can hardly form words.
I keep telling myself that it is not my fault that he is in this situation but I can't help feel that it could be my fault. What if I did something to trigger this? My divorce from his dad? Just so much I keep thinking about.
I will keep checking these boards because I have read some stuff that was helpful to me. That is why I am here. I really do need some help for me in this thing. Alcoholism is definitely one disease that affects everyone surrounding the alcoholic.
I keep telling myself that it is not my fault that he is in this situation but I can't help feel that it could be my fault. What if I did something to trigger this? My divorce from his dad? Just so much I keep thinking about.
I will keep checking these boards because I have read some stuff that was helpful to me. That is why I am here. I really do need some help for me in this thing. Alcoholism is definitely one disease that affects everyone surrounding the alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hello-
just wanted to welcome you and let you know that there are many here who have walked a mile in your shoes. i really feel for the mothers in particular as it seems particularly difficult to go from the role of caring for your child to letting go and leaving them to their own choices.
i felt some relief when i prayed and released my alcoholic to god's care. after years of trying, i knew that my love could not save them. i learned here that the best way to assist was to stop enabling and to stop giving them a soft place to land.
naive
just wanted to welcome you and let you know that there are many here who have walked a mile in your shoes. i really feel for the mothers in particular as it seems particularly difficult to go from the role of caring for your child to letting go and leaving them to their own choices.
i felt some relief when i prayed and released my alcoholic to god's care. after years of trying, i knew that my love could not save them. i learned here that the best way to assist was to stop enabling and to stop giving them a soft place to land.
naive
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Alcoholism is definitely one disease that affects everyone surrounding the alcoholic. So true!
I was an emotional basket case the first two Alanon meetings I attended. Couldn't say a word, except my first name, because I knew crying was just one word away. I kept going back. I have learned that I was not the only one ready to cry at my first meeting. Now I'm okay with crying at my meetings because I'm with people who understand.
I was an emotional basket case the first two Alanon meetings I attended. Couldn't say a word, except my first name, because I knew crying was just one word away. I kept going back. I have learned that I was not the only one ready to cry at my first meeting. Now I'm okay with crying at my meetings because I'm with people who understand.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 33
How do you get the strength though to tell him no. I say I am going
to stop coming to his aid, I want to stop coming to his aid, but at the
end of the day if he calls, I just don't know.
He has no job, is looking right now but he is sober this week. He is about to lose his house that he rents. He has about two weeks worth of money left. I can't financially help him and even if I could I don't think I would. I do understand that he needs to see the consequences of his actions. But when he can barely hold his head up and calls me to help.....
to stop coming to his aid, I want to stop coming to his aid, but at the
end of the day if he calls, I just don't know.
He has no job, is looking right now but he is sober this week. He is about to lose his house that he rents. He has about two weeks worth of money left. I can't financially help him and even if I could I don't think I would. I do understand that he needs to see the consequences of his actions. But when he can barely hold his head up and calls me to help.....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 29
Hi and a VERY warm Welcome...I am very new here myself but am rapidly learning the ropes (I hope!) :ghug3
I too have looked for reasons why the alcoholic became so...and I am concluding that there ARE often no specific triggers...you CANNOT blame yourself. Think how many families undergo relationship rifts. And ever so many of these do NOT trigger alcoholism in one or both parties.
I too was ready to cry at my first Al-Anon meeting (which was last week!!)
It was a very small meeting and one other lady there said something which showed me that she was very aware of something in my circumstances - and it kind of soothed me because she too was fairly new to this and yet I could tell she could relate to me and had understood what I couldn't find the words to explain.
My alcoholic friend currently will not go to AA meetings any more. She says 4 years of AA has not helped her.
So I don't know where on earth she is headed for next :-( but I DO know, by that very statement, that she is not yet ready to admit that she is the only one in her life who can truly help her.
I have a nurturing personality and I can magnify how I feel over a friend, to understand how much harder this must be for you as a mother, with your son in this place.
I am glad you are here...I have only been here about 3 or 4 days but already I feel the relief of being here, and the love, comfort and safety here and I am feeling less hopeless over my own way forward, than I was just a couple of days ago.
I too have looked for reasons why the alcoholic became so...and I am concluding that there ARE often no specific triggers...you CANNOT blame yourself. Think how many families undergo relationship rifts. And ever so many of these do NOT trigger alcoholism in one or both parties.
I too was ready to cry at my first Al-Anon meeting (which was last week!!)
It was a very small meeting and one other lady there said something which showed me that she was very aware of something in my circumstances - and it kind of soothed me because she too was fairly new to this and yet I could tell she could relate to me and had understood what I couldn't find the words to explain.
My alcoholic friend currently will not go to AA meetings any more. She says 4 years of AA has not helped her.
So I don't know where on earth she is headed for next :-( but I DO know, by that very statement, that she is not yet ready to admit that she is the only one in her life who can truly help her.
I have a nurturing personality and I can magnify how I feel over a friend, to understand how much harder this must be for you as a mother, with your son in this place.
I am glad you are here...I have only been here about 3 or 4 days but already I feel the relief of being here, and the love, comfort and safety here and I am feeling less hopeless over my own way forward, than I was just a couple of days ago.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 29
How do you get the strength though to tell him no.
...I don't know this either :'-(
But I think this is where Al-Anon is going to be worth its weight in gold to me.
I think this strength, comes to us when we cease to be co-dependent and start to heal. As a mother, I know you will find this so terribly hard; but I also believe that when you start to heal for yourself, you will get that strength from somewhere.
I guess this is where the Higher Power comes into it. God; the Universe; whatever name you know it by.
If we can allow ourselves to give ourselves over to our Higher Power, I think this is the way forward.
But I am still learning myself. I am so new to this and I am only just starting myself to piece together parts of my "jigsaw".
Sending you ********** hugs }}}}}
...I don't know this either :'-(
But I think this is where Al-Anon is going to be worth its weight in gold to me.
I think this strength, comes to us when we cease to be co-dependent and start to heal. As a mother, I know you will find this so terribly hard; but I also believe that when you start to heal for yourself, you will get that strength from somewhere.
I guess this is where the Higher Power comes into it. God; the Universe; whatever name you know it by.
If we can allow ourselves to give ourselves over to our Higher Power, I think this is the way forward.
But I am still learning myself. I am so new to this and I am only just starting myself to piece together parts of my "jigsaw".
Sending you ********** hugs }}}}}
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 33
I grew up in the church. But have strayed as I got older. My best friend in the world keeps telling me that her faith has helped her so much in her troubles/day to day life. Sometimes I think if there were a God why would he put this much on one person to bear? Then I think well life wasn't meant to be easy. That you grow and learn from your mistakes. I have prayed about this but do not seem to "feel" God's presence right now. Maybe as I start to come to terms with my son's illness and work on making myself better I will feel his presence more. I don't know. I wish I knew.
Thank you for the support because I am going to need it. This is why I decided to join this web site. Just reading other peoples posts help me also even though they don't have the same situation as I do. It is going to be a long road I know. For this is going to be in our lives forever. It is hard to talk to some of my family members mother, sister, etc. They give advice but they don't really understand the day to day goings on with dealing with an alcoholic. I get so frustrated trying to explain to them what I am going through and what my son is going through. And I get very frustrated at my ex-husband, my son's father because his attitude is yelling and cussing.
Thank you for the support because I am going to need it. This is why I decided to join this web site. Just reading other peoples posts help me also even though they don't have the same situation as I do. It is going to be a long road I know. For this is going to be in our lives forever. It is hard to talk to some of my family members mother, sister, etc. They give advice but they don't really understand the day to day goings on with dealing with an alcoholic. I get so frustrated trying to explain to them what I am going through and what my son is going through. And I get very frustrated at my ex-husband, my son's father because his attitude is yelling and cussing.
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