LaTeeDa

To Transform, I think it's great that you recognize unhealthy thinking and also that you realize where it probably came from (childhood). For me, the next step was 'rewiring my brain' in a sense. First, finding out exactly the experiences and situations in my childhood that caused me to develop certain behaviors. (This was very painful, and I needed the help of a therapist to do it.) Then, just like anything we learn to do, it takes loads of repetition and practice. 1)recognize the unhealthy thought and what triggered it, 2)remember why it's unhealthy and how I learned it, 3)practice healthy thinking in it's place.

There are lots of books out there to help dig up these things, and this website was also helpful to me Abundant Spirituality + codependency recovery + inner child healing = Joy2MeU But, I seriously recommend personal therapy, if for no other reason, than to not have to go through it alone. ((()))

L

GiveLove

P.S.
If you've never had the pleasure of reading this thread, I always get a lot out of it:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lbreakers.html

I try to read it at least once a month whether I need it or not

BuffaloGal

Well...

I kinda think who we are attracted to is a message to us, from us, about ourselves. You got your message: you're lonely. Objectively you know this guy is bad news. Being attracted to someone is an emotion, it's neutral, it's just what you feel.. do you need to stop yourself from doing it? You don't have to act on it when you know that will only bring you grief. It's good that you are disengaged from your previous relationship enough to get a crush on someone else. It sounds like you're making your way back into the world of potential relationships.

I tend to be attracted to somewhat unavailable men too... not ones who are taken, but ones who need a lot of space. Currently, not being fully recovered from my marriage, I would hate to be in a relationship with someone who was 100% into me, because I don't have more than 70% to offer. Sure, I grew up in a weird world of solitary confinement with a father who is (still) constitutionally unable to have a permanent romantic relationship, and no mother after age 8, she died in a car accident. But... I am attracted to standoffish sorts of fellows not because of my parents and my past, but because of me, now.

For awhile I felt sleazy about that... I was lonely too, but only ready to go in the shallow end of the pool, not off the diving board. But that isn't a bad thing-- it's just what it is. I'm now in a relationship with a lot of room. There is a sacrifice of intimacy, but it's ok. No one is making a commitment they can't keep. I miss having a husband, but I'm not ready to ante up to matrimony, so I spend the night by myself 5 nights a week and look forward to the other 2. (With the benefit that in my "castle," I'm queen. This queen does not have to pick up any king's underwear either. The princess tends to leave her dirty clothes and dishes everywhere, and that's enough to deal with.)

Good luck out there. I bet you'll be attracted to someone more available, when you're ready to be.

abcdefg

This is EXACTLY what I want, LTD. I've opened the space in my life for this and I believe it's here (or very nearly here). Thank you for this encouraging share.

LaTeeDa

It is not only possible, it's likely. If you are willing to do some really life-changing work. The best advice I ever read on this forum was "be the kind of person you want to be with." I set out to do that, not to find someone who is perfect for me at this time in my life. And, amazingly, I found him, or he found me, or we found each other. Not surprisingly, he was working through the same kind of soul-searching I was at the time we met. You can't convince me this is coincidental.

L

gowest

He sounds perfect ... does he have a brother?

On a serious note, please don't answer if these questions are too personal:
Were you friends first or was there a strong initial attraction?
How was the first kiss?

I guess the overall question is how did the relationship develop from meeting to where you are now?

I'm asking in the practice of seeing that some one has what you want and imitating them. I know it isn't that "formulaic"

Thanks!

LaTeeDa

Well, as you know, no one is perfect. But, it is great to spend time with someone who enhances my life rather than detracts from it.

Even though I met him through an online dating site, we were friends first. I've said before that most people on online dating sites fall into two categories. 1)looking for casual sex or 2)looking for a "soulmate." I consider myself very lucky to have happened upon someone who was in neither of those categories.

Looking back, I see that the attraction was there, but neither of us was in a hurry to act on it. Probably because of our past experiences with relationships. I found myself considering whether I would still want to be friends with him even if he wasn't attracted to me. The answer was yes. So, we continued chatting online, emailing, and getting to know each other in person.

First kiss did not happen for close to a month. But it definitely made an impression on me. I thought about it for weeks, lol.

I also have to say that there were many online contacts, and even one in person with people who were not right for me. I was getting quite discouraged with the whole thing by the time I met him. I learned a lesson in not settling.

L

Jazzman

Yes you are. I had a great relationship after my first divorce where we were both busy parents and had one or two nights a week to spend together. We traveled together and had a really good time, but we both still had our own lives and we shared what time we could together.

I would like nothing more than to find a relationship like that right now but have lost interest in friends of friends or dating sites. I've been on lots of first dates but have not yet met that second or third date possibility. My problem isn't attracting the wrong type, it's that I have no interest in the investment it takes to meet then weed out the wrong types.. LOL!!