stillhavingahardtime

Old 10-19-2009, 07:06 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
stillhavingahardtime

I can't post unless its one word lol

Hi All,

I'm at work but having a hard time concentrating. My AH left of Thursday. He went to work then called me in the afternoon asking if he could stay here the night cuz he had no where else to go. I said no.

He made a promise to my son that he would stop drinking. I reminded him of that on wednesday and he started yelling at me and he proceeded to drink. He told me he only came home because he had no where else to go. so on thursday when he called to see if he could stay on thursday i said no because he already stated to me that he only came home the night before cuz he had no where else to stay.

My AH is a very vebally abusive drunk. He blames it all on me. When he came to get his clothes he blamed me for his 20 years of drinking. Which I absoluletly know that's not true.

Right now I am having a lot of guilty feelings and I am worried about him. I just spoke with a friend of ours and he said he talked with my AH and my AH said I through him out. He made the choice of getting sober and staying in the house or keeping drinking and leave. He chose to drink. So did I actually throw him out or did he leave. Of course he is going to put the blame on me. My friends that I have spoken to have seen how he gets when he drinks so I know I'm not making this up.

I did call him this morning which I vowed I would not. I had a moment of weakness. I left a message saying that we needed to talk and that I do love him and am worried about him. I'm not sure he'll get the message cuz I have the charger for his cell phone and I know it was almost dying. I'm feeling guilty about his phone being dead. How sick is that?

I have two 14 years olds that do seem happier within the last couple days. I didn't realize they would bounce back so quick where I just want to stay in bed and pull the blankets over my head. I even heard laughter from my son. It made me smile.

It also broke my heart yesterday when my son called me up from where he stayed overnight and asked me to come get him before his dad got there to watch football. he didn't even want to see his dad. that's very sad to me. The kids are the most important and their happiness is #1.

Why do I feel so bad? I feel like I should be angry, but instead I want to beg him to come back. I've come to realize that I'm sick as he is. Maybe I hit my bottom and that's why he's not at the house anymore.

Are my emotions and feelings normal for right now? I have a heart and don't want him to hurt himself or someone else. He is sick. Severe emphysema, lupus, RA. He still smokes butts and pot. I feel like I'm watching him slowly die.

I'm so confused. We've been together for 20 years and two 14 year olds. I just couldn't handle the chaos anymore. I don't think I'm wrong in doing giving him the choice and I think I knew deep in my heart I knew what his choice would be. He was sober from January till August and says during that time he was sober things didn't change between us. He wasn't working any program so basically he was a dry drunk and basically I didn't trust him.

Thanks for listening. XO
veryregretful is offline  
Old 10-19-2009, 07:11 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
You did the right thing. I keep reminding myself that sometimes doing the right thing is hard and painful. But its always for the best. You will grow to love and value the new peace in your home and your kids will relax more. But, be ready for some rocky times as well. Your AH won't like his newfound situation and will most likely stomp his feet....what I am dealing with now.

Stand strong!
Startingover2 is offline  
Old 10-19-2009, 07:26 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
peaceful seabird
 
Pelican's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
about the one word titles: you can go back and edit the title after you post. It's a small glitch in the system.

about the phone charger: he can pick another one up at wally world or any technology store. They are easy to replace.

You are lonely right now. That is normal. You have spent 20 years with another adult in your home. There were good times and bad times. Recently, the bad times out numbered the good times. You recognized a destructive pattern in your home and how it was affecting your family. You set up a boundary to protect yourself and children from further episodes of self destructive behavior. Your boundary was crossed and you took action. No more idle threats. You made a very healthy choice for yourself and your children. They need an adult to protect them. Good on you!

Have you read "Codependent No More"? Have you checked into Alanon meetings for yourself?
Pelican is offline  
Old 10-19-2009, 07:31 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
there is an alanon meeting and an alateen meeting tonight at the same time. I'm thinking of going there even though the kids said they don't want to go. I think it will be good for them to talk about it to someone. I know these feelings shall pass but I am lonely, but i was lonely before so that shouldn't really matter

he would come home and go down the basement and stay till he passed out so it wasn't like i really had a partner anyways and he basically did nothing with the kids so why the sadness?
veryregretful is offline  
Old 10-19-2009, 07:42 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
peaceful seabird
 
Pelican's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
The sadness could be part of your grieving process. Grieving the loss of a relationship is just as real as grieving the loss of a loved one because of death. Your relationship has suffered a death, so to speak.

Your sadness could be a sign of codependency to his addiction. He is addicted to alcohol, and you are addicted to his drama. You were always there when the addiction was progressing, there when it was climaxing and there when it was trying to be extinguished. Now you are removing yourself from the front row of his dramatic life of addiction. What to do with yourself?

Now you begin the process of putting down the magnifying glass that amplified everything HE did and pick up the mirror and begin to look at yourself. It's not a pleasant process to begin with. It's feels like you have picked up one of those magnifying mirrors and all your issues are larger than life! It gets better as you begin to love yourself, respect yourself, and take care of yourself. You become a better person to yourself, then a better parent to your children. It's a journey worth taking!

Alanon will help you learn to respect yourself and take care of yourself. My children have not been to alateen yet. They have been to an open Alanon meeting with me. They also are involved in discussions with me about what I am learning in my meetings and in my daily readings.

Keep us posted about your meeting tonight.
Pelican is offline  
Old 10-19-2009, 07:58 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
Pelican - when i do look in the mirrow i look and see much bigger things that i can imagine. I haven't really been able to actually look in a mirror in a long time. Your reply made my cry and I'm sitting here at work lolololol I can't stop the water works. I really don't care if anyone sees me.

I am very open with my children now. They know how I feel and I know how they feel. I let them know how I am feeling at any given moment so they now that what they are feeling at any given moment is fine.

It does make me angry that I gave him my life for 20 years and I'm the one in misery. It's definately not fair. I just have to remember that I'm going to get healthy and be the mom i need to be, not the one worried about their dad all the time and being quiet and not being myself.

boy, this is the most diffictuly thing i've ever done in my life and it hurts me knowing he is saying tons of bad things about me. I guess I have to grow a backbone!
veryregretful is offline  
Old 10-19-2009, 08:21 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Birmingham, England
Posts: 58
Veryregretful. I feel your pain over the web and will keep reminding you of what you said you said to me a few days ago about my mother. It was HIS choice.

You are so lucky you have your 2 children who support your decision. Be strong, it may not seem like it now but there are happy days ahead of you.

I lived with a guy about 15 years ago, he drank heavily and took cocaine regularly. My life was one big drama and I resorted to physical violence with him (the only person I ever have). When he was gone there was a void for a while and the calmness just took some adjusting too. It was a change that was unfamiliar but as the days passed by it was like a switch had been turned off and he no longer had a hold over me. Once this switch had been turned off there was no way anyone could force it back on again. It was over. I was sad for a while but then enjoyed the calmness more and more and more.

The very ironic thing is that he called me on Friday afternoon and said that his girlfriend had thrown him out - 7 weeks after giving birth to their 3rd child. I asked why and he said that she thought he was an alkie and that she couldn't love a man like him anymore. I remembered all the pain, upset and anxiety he caused me in our relationship and I realised just how fortunate I was that the switch had turned off for me a long time ago.

You will be fortunate one with a story like mine in the future for someone else that needs to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Do you have a friend or family member that could come and stay with you for a few days?

BIG HUGS
Mandjas is offline  
Old 10-19-2009, 08:22 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 29
Maybe I hit my bottom and that's why he's not at the house anymore. ... yes, I think that's probably it! You reached the very bottom and that's what shook you into deciding you had had enough and had to heal yourself and that only YOU could do this for YOU.
If only the AH could do the same... :-(


He was sober from January till August and says during that time he was sober things didn't change between us. ...this is EXACTLY what my friend has told me of her and her hubby.
It comes across that they are saying that they have tried so hard and yet it has made no difference so, what is the use in trying?
In other words, it's another of their excuses, isn't it? they are using this to rationalise, just as they do so many other "reasons" why they have fallen off the wagon :-(

I can see it. I just have no idea myself how to get through these "excuses" :-(


The sadness could be part of your grieving process. Grieving the loss of a relationship is just as real as grieving the loss of a loved one because of death. Your relationship has suffered a death, so to speak.

...absolutely!!!!
This is what I am dealing with now, with the loss of my friend as I had known her before she fell off the wagon. I have also been there a couple times before, in the past, although the people concerned were not addicted to substances.
I have done a lot of grief support and can recognise that I am now back in the receiving place but because we don't always think of a death as anything other than a physical cessation, I think we are often unprepared for the depth of our emotion in these other instances...
But as Pelican says, it is so very very similar. And the grief path that we walk as a result, is just the same.

********************** veryregretful }}}}}}}}}}}} I recognise that anger and hurt that you mention at the end. The anger that he has left you in this weakened place; and the hurt that he may be tarnishing your name.
The anger, is also a part of the grieving process and in time you will work through this.
And the hurt - well, the only way I can deal with that personally, when similar has happened to me in my life, is to reassure myself that what I don't actually hear, cannot hurt me. Keep away from sources who might relay to you what he says about you. Shut your ears and indeed your mind, to all the things he is or could be saying about you. This may be harder than I'm making it sound, but I do know it's possible.
1971 is offline  
Old 10-19-2009, 09:15 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
1971 it's very hard to stay away from the sources. not because they call me and tell me. I call them and have them tell me. I need to put the phone down and let it be. I need to stop asking the questions, where is he? is he safe? I have to focus on the kids and myself.

this is wicked hard. I'm 44 years old and feel like a kid.
veryregretful is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:08 AM.