canuckch

So last night I went to my first Al-Anon Meeting and I am afraid I might have expected too much? I left the meeting disappointed. I would like to run by you what happened and if this is normal for a meeting.

4 people were attending
First reading from a page. Seemed like a normal info page on Al-Anon and why we were there. About a page and a half
Then reading the 12 Steps
Then reading the 12 Traditions
Then one member gave info on what was happening. What anniversary of other groups were coming up, info on a conference
Then one member read a little paragraph about happiness.
Every person now got 5 minutes to say something about happiness
End

It seemed over very fast but most of it was very boring. (I hope I am not insulting anybody). Like strangers sitting around a table reading rules.

One of the things I was also very shocked at was it was like everyone was speaking in code. During their 5 minutes nobody was saying AH or ADaughter etc. Everyone seemed very careful not to mention the person, aka the reason they were there or anything personal about themselves or their life. No mentioning of frustrations or issues or problems and if so only hinted at. Like one was taking about how he/she experienced happiness about the garden this week?

If they even came close to mentioning AH they would immediately detour and more use words like "a person in my life whose actions sometimes hurt me". One of the members was talking about papers that have been filed this week with a lawyer. But would not talk about how he/she felt about it or what kind of papers etc. It just was pretty obvious what kind of papers and this is huge! But it seemed only hinted and so impersonal. No feelings.

I don't know. I was expecting to share feelings that I usually bottle up inside of me.

Right now I don't think I would go back. But I know I need help and after more than a year I finally had the courage to go to a meeting.

Thank you.

canuckch

Oh I forgot to say

I hope I did not go against any of the rules of Al-Anon in my description of the meeting. If I did please let me know right away so I can either edit or we can have the thread deleted.
Thank you

Cowgirl1265

If there are other meetings near you to check out you might do that to find one that suits your personality better. That said, the format is pretty typical. Most of what we really need to learn is in the readings. I always hear something different every week when the steps, traditions, etc are read, and its usually something that speaks either to an issue I'm dealing with or something I hadn't thought about before.

At my meetings after we have the topical discussion, if there is time left, we each "check in" with what we have done for ourselves this week and touch on any big issues we might want to mention.

canuckch

Thank you Cowgirl.
I guess that makes sense. I had read the 12 Steps and the 12 Traditions numerous times already and somehow I expected it to be more personal. Last year I was seeing a counselor for a while and got really used to talking openly about what moves me.
I hope this makes sense. As I was driving home I realized that the meeting could have been held sitting together on a train or in the metro.
I would have like it a lot if after the meeting we could have talked to each other.

honoryourself

I would try a different meeting. I've been to three in one week and each was quite different. One group seemed more informal, another shared a lot of laughs, another was almost like a women's club. In all of them they read those papers, which I could see getting really boring.. I mean.. it seems like it could be trimmed down a bit lol.
But that aside, in each meeting all or most of the people got to share, and sometimes people were cryptic but a LOT of times people just came straight out and told their story. I would feel awkward if I couldn't feel like I was allowed to open up either, I do enough of that at home. Different people have their reasons for keeping the details of their lives private though, and maybe this is more the case in smaller towns than the areas I'm from.. I haven't recognized/known anyone in any of the meetings I've been to.

Mandjas

I too went to my first ala-non meeting this week and this was the same:

First reading from a page.
Then reading the 12 Steps
Then reading the 12 Traditions
Then one member gave info on what was happening. What anniversary of other groups were coming up, info on a conference.

Then we discussed step 1 and everyone had to talk about how they were powerless over alcohol. This was very personal and everyone said who and how people had shown them they were powerless over alcohol.

So I did get more then you from the sounds but they do talk about different things every week and they also encourage you to go to other meetings too.

One thing I felt disappointed with is that they don't give advice. But I can see the more I go the more I listen to other peoples experiences, it is bound to have some sort of impact on me. I can keep the relevent points and disregard the things I don't feel will help me.

I hope sharing my exp helps

benham

I can identify with how you felt by remembering my first meeting. The title of my current group is "Mostly Men's". What a shock to me when I showed up to the meeting and I was the only guy there!

Under the umbrella of Al-Anon, a sponsor would be a good person to have when you need to talk (or scream) something out. You don't even have to formally call the person a sponsor. I hope they gave a phone list. If not, maybe you could ask for numbers.

In the end though, this works if you work it...I promise.

canuckch

Thanks honoryourself. Three in one week? You seem on a roll

It is good to know that the cryptic thing isn't a requirement or one of the rules. I actually live in a big city as well so there are other meetings I can choose from. I will have to look into them.
I guess one thing I learned once again. There are no quick fixes.
Thanks

canuckch

Thank you Mandjas. I guess that's what I expected. I don't know why I thought every meeting group would be the same all over the world?

Benham. I did not know about the sponsors. That sounds great. I might need one of those for a little while. As I am starting to get used to finally talking and looking for help. Thank you

24Years

I had gone to 2 different meetings and they were very different. Still, my expectations were very different from the outcome. I found it very frustrating to not feel like I gained much from the experience. I personally found it more helpful (at that time) to go to a counselor. I found I wasn't relating to other people's stories and now that it's been six years, I would have to say because many stories are so different from mine.

Pelican

In all of them they read those papers, which I could see getting really boring.. I mean.. it seems like it could be trimmed down a bit lol. I know, right?!

That's how I felt after my first two meetings. I was an emotional basket case, and they were taking turns reading steps and traditions. On the inside, I was wondering how we were going to solve my problems in one hour if they were going to use all the time reading this script?

I was told to try 6 meetings and then decide if Alanon was for me. So, I tried 6 meetings. Guess what happened? I started to figure it out within 6 meetings.

I love the reading of the steps and traditions now. It centers me and calms me after a hectic day. I can bring myself into the moment and focus on the words that have helped many a battered soul find their way to serenity. The path is there in those steps and traditions, I just have to take the time to hear them.

Next came the sharing. The sharing seems controlled. I say _______, everyone says "Thank you for sharing Pelican". At first, I thought WOW We love our Program a little too much. However, I figured this part of the meeting out the first time I was able to share at a meeting. I learned that the un-interupted sharing done at meetings is priceless. How many times have my words been cut-off by an alcoholic who can't focus long enough to hear what I'm saying? When was the last time someone thanked me for sharing my feelings? How long has it been since someone twisted my words and had me doubting what I was trying to say?

At meetings, you are able to share your feelings, appreciated for participating, and not challenged for your thoughts.

honoryourself

I can definitely understand this-- it could be like a trained response, too, pavlov's dogs-style. If every time you go to a meeting, you hear all these words, then you get to open up and share and listen and feel good, then all it takes is to start hearing those words and you are in a place of comfort and serenity. I could equate that to meditation, or in my case, I flew frequently for a while and I started training myself to fall asleep during lift off. Now I can't usually make it through a lift-off without falling asleep. I wake up at landing (if it's a short flight, longer ones.. not so much). But thanks for putting it in that different light.


This is so true. I also tried a CODA meeting. I didn't enjoy the dynamic as much and didn't really feel like sharing but I decided to say at least one thing at each meeting I attend, if I'm given the opportunity. As short & sweet as it was that I said it, it just felt really good that there was a room of people who 1) understood 2) were listening to me 3) didn't interrupt and 4) didn't think less of me for admitting my faults, or try to turn it around and use it against me. It's a safe haven... and that's priceless.

Learn2Live

It took me a long time to figure out that I have needs and that it is up to me to know what they are and get my needs met. I spent so much time (and often still do), ignoring my needs and sacrificing my needs for what I thought other people expected or needed from me. That's part of codependence.

When you go to a meeting where the people there are the only people who go, it's like cobwebs start to grow. But when a newcomer comes in and they truly share themselves the way you needed to (but didn't feel comfortable doing), it's like bringing a toddler into an office building; all of a sudden the cobwebs are swept away and everyone feels alive again. The people in the meeting cannot know your needs, until you make them known.

Try again. And this time, don't worry about what everyone else's needs are. Get your feelings out there and cry as much as you need to. I guarantee you will help ALL of those people every single time you do.

Keep going back.

ICant

Yes I can relate. Many times I was thinking what the ****? And then at the end with the hand holding, the serenity prayer, "keep coming back, it works!" OMG. What had I struck. But it does work. I go there for my recovery not my husband's. I am certainly not saying I controlled my husband but something kicked in for him and he subsequently went to AA. He has been sober 9 months. And for 9 months I have not had to experience any of the addict crap. I had to work the steps and get a sponsor in order for myself to get well. I can see myself going to this for the rest of my life. Quite frankly I am well aware that my husband may drink again but I know the life I want to live now and it doesn't include addictions.

MissFixit

I have a similar thought to what Pelican wrote.

When I first attended al anon (the second time), I was a mess and wanted to shout from the rooftops about MY problems and how much I was hurting. I thought it was supposed to be like individual counseling but in a group. However, it had structure and it wasn't all about ME. Everyone spoke for about 3 minutes on whatever the topic was and I started listening to their stories. After several meetings the focus started with me (in my mind) but ended with being grounded and thinking about how lucky I am.

This format is structured but it helps me to not obsess about my issues. This helps ME gain perspective.

You might try another meeting with more people. I find that the larger meetings are extremely good.

canuckch

Thank you for your replies. I know I am going to get a call this week (I put my name and number on the list). The person calling this week is the one closest to my age. I wonder if I should openly talk to her about my concerns over the meeting?

Learn2Live

MissFixIt's post is so telling for me. It makes me wonder if the group just automatically senses what the newcomer really needs? IDK, just rambling here on a thought that was spurred by MissFix.

Because my first meeting was a GIANT meeting. I drove at least an hour to get there the first morning after my trusted friend told me I needed to go to an Al-Anon meeting. I was in a really bad place in life, hadn't showered in days, crying sobbing shaking and scared all the way there, just could not get anything together if my life depended on it; except to get myself to this meeting.

Anyway, when I got there I just continued to be who I was (a disheveled mess; I'm sure I must have stunk!) and there must have been 50 people; everyone with their own individual problems but I was the newcomer. I could not understand the outpouring of love, caring, and attention I received from all of those people in that meeting.

Complete strangers who were struggling with their very own issues who turned their energy, attention and strength toward me and many of them stayed with me afterward for hours. I felt guilty because one lady who was there had just been diagnosed with cancer and here I was taking the focus away from her problems.

She was amazing in her love and kindness toward me and although I never went back to that particular meeting because it was just too far to drive and I was laid-off from my job, I'm sure I thought of her at least once a week, amazed at her love for me, a complete stanger. I still think of her once in a while.

I am now, some 12 or 13 years later, truly grateful that my Higher Power gave me the strength to get to that, my first meeting.

Learn2Live

Why not?

canuckch

There could not possibly be a reason why not.
Except that I might be a loudmouth online but in person I try to avoid anything that has to do with criticism or conflict or hurting other peoples feelings.
Thinking along the lines of if the caller might take my personal feelings about the meeting personal or as a criticism, which it is not and be hurt in return? They did open their meeting up to me and the fact that I did not get anything out of my first meeting is up to me and not up to them?
As I said
There could not possibly be a reason why not.
Boy do I ever need those meetings.

MissFixit

If the caller is an experienced al anoner then he or she won't take it personally as long as you don't direct your comments to them personally. Meetings are open to the public, they are not possessions. Amny people take a while to warm up to al anon.