kv816

It's 1:00 in the morning and I just got off the phone with (sober) xabf. I shouldn't even say sober....he's dry, has been for about two weeks now. I admit, it's been nice having the calm, intelligent, slightly less paranoid jerk to talk to but I have yet to get my hopes up or expect anything. Not going down that road again. But it has been nice having some time to talk and discuss about our relationship....hearing him say things about me has helped me so myself. I'm taking everything with a grain of salt at this point but I'm making mental notes and thinking about them. A lot of things he didn't like are things I didn't realize I was doing but thinking about them has made me realize I was doing them and it's helping me better myself and be a better person to those around me. So it's actually really helped me see a few more things even clearer than I had been seeing them before.

I went Trick or Treating tonight with my kids (well, what parent didn't?) I really didn't want to go alone....it is nice to have someone there to laugh with sometimes and I've got a lot of single friends so why not team up and go together? So a whole group of us went together, 5 adults and 9 kids. A few points along our journey we got separated. Well, I was with my kids and a guy (my best friend's husband's sisters husband) and his kids found ourselves a dozen houses behind everyone else (our kids are considerably younger than the rest).

Well about that time we run into xabf's sister and cousin and their kids. So about an hour ago xabf calls me saying his cousin told him that I was all over some guy tonight. That we were holding hands and hugging and kissing and having a good ole jolly time with each other.

I told him that I was with a whole group and why we were so far behind the rest of the group and that's when we ran into them but at no point was I all over anyone else tonight. And I'm sorry that he was so upset hearing something like that but the fact is even if it were true he had no reason to be upset because there's a reason he and I aren't together anymore and as hurt as I am by our break up I will not be a prisoner in my own home. He said his cousin has no reason to lie to him. I said well obviously she does because she did! I said whether or not he chooses to believe me doesn't really matter because it's none of his business what I do or who I hang out with.

I'm not angry with him but I am angry with HER. What gives her the right to go and tell these outrageous bends of the truth to ANYONE? Whether or not it would affect me or a relationship, what's the point? I am angry and my first thought was to pick up the phone and call her out but I have so far fought off the urge. I asked him for her number and he said he didn't know it (which was a lie). I asked him what her last name is and he said she just got married and he didn't know what her hubby's name was (another lie). So that just heated me even more. Either she lied to him or he for some reason chose to tell me this story that HE made up and then when I called him on it he felt the need to lie a little more. No, I admit after his refusal to give me her number I did go to his myspace, where she's a friend and got her name and then google searched her name and got the number AND got on her myspace page to compose an email).

I want to know why she'd say such a thing about me! But I didn't call because after I thought about it I realized that the very few times I've met her she's always been drinking. Her hubby is an A, her father was an A, then there's xabf and his A sister and their A father and lord knows how many other A's in the family. So thinking all this really makes me wonder if even talking to her and asking her WTF would make any difference.

But I'm tired of the lies about me (not to mention this kind of lie could cost me my job)! It seems like every few months for the last two years someone in his family goes to him with some story of seeing me with some other guy. And it makes no difference anymore--he is an X and I can and will do whatever I want to. But the lies are ridiculous and it's getting old!!!

A part of me wants to just let it go. It's a lie, I know it's a lie, I will sleep tonight because I did nothing wrong and calling her out on her exaggerated story really won't make it go away. But, on the other hand, what is it about me that his family feels the need to keep coming up with such bizarre stories? Do they feel threatened by me? Do I rub them the wrong way and if so, why? I can't better myself if I don't know what's so wrong about me from the honest standpoint of the people around me!

Ugh. I'm just angry. I still want to at least email her....try to tell her as calmly as I possibly can that I am very upset at her acting like such a child and why would you say something so bizarre about me? What did I ever do to you to deserve to be treated so disrespectfully?

I don't know....maybe I'll just get a buddy to wait on her as she speeds through town going home from work Monday night. DUI, open container, no seat belt, speeding, no insurance, expired tags and I noticed tonight she had a tail light out. Then I'll send that email....."dare ya to make up another story!!!"

itisatruth

Although being aware of one's own character defects and trying to work on them is a positive thing, in this case, the things you mentioned about this family probably have more to do with what happened than anything you did/didn't do, and besides, even if you had somehow rubbed someone the wrong way, that would still not be an excuse to make up lies and treat you this way. Some people just like to stir things up, to bring others down. My ex's family was like that. They told lies about me and even about others in their own family. It was a weird kind of meanness I will never understand.....almost like they relished seeing others in pain or in trouble. Maybe it made them feel better about themselves or maybe it just gave them some good gossip to dish out. In your ex's family, maybe it has more to do with him than with you - maybe they want to make him feel better about the breakup by making you look bad. Whatever it is, I hope that in the future, when you think about tonight, you won't think about her or the lie, you will only remember the fun you had with your kids.

bookwyrm

Listen to that part. The people who matter, who know you will know the truth. You know the truth. Who cares about the crazy talk! Have faith that by keeping your own side of the street clean you're doing all that you can.

What will you get out of a confrontation? More crazy? Who really needs that?

:ghug3

naive

this is classic alcoholic behavior.

i wouldn't be mad at the cousin. there is some chance that she isn't at fault. it certainly sounds as if he is the one lying, as why not give you her contact number? he seems like someone with something to hide.

i would not buy into any of it. i would also not buy into the fact that he is two weeks sober.

so, let's get this straight. he's two weeks sober, on the phone with you, pointing out your defects of character and accusing you of cheating?

has he done the same thing time and time again?

call the cousin if you want to, but i would be honest with her, not accusatory. she might not have said any of those things he said. you could be sending her negative thoughts and she could be innocent.

veryregretful

my husband has all these delusions that i'm cheating on him even with his brother. it's crazy. If your A was lying before why would you believe him now and maybe his cousin just mention she saw you and added the extra parts.

I had an incident yesterday where my AH's brother cancelled his phone on my family plan with telling me. I can't afford to pay his part of the bill and my AH doesn't hold jobs well so I would end up paying the bill for the next two years since we all upgraded phones. Anyways, my AH kept calling me and telling me I was sleeping with his brother and that I would help everyone but my AH. He is still actively drinking. He wondered why his brother was here and i told him. Later he kept calling me which I knew i shouldn't have answered but he was telling me that i was sleeping with his brother. earlier my AH said he wanted to come over and scream at his brother, but he didn't. I told him last night that he should have came down and confront his brother about the situation. but instead he says i was cheating on him. They have delusions and they'll do anything to hurt you more. I'm finding that out now. I'm detaching and he's getting angry cuz he doesn't get a rise out of me.

So maybe there was just mention of seeing you trick or treating with someone and he added the rest. That's how they think they have control.

I hope i made some kind of sense. I know what I meant to say but i'm not sure it came out right.

Good luck and hugs

hadenoughnow

My exah would frequently try to "bait" me with scenarios like this when we were going through the divorce. He would claim that he had proof that I had cheated on him etc. That his BIL found texts between me and my BF on my old cell phone. Just the craziest stuff you can imagine. Chances are that his cousin said nothing of the sort to him and simply mentioned that she saw you and there were other people (who OMG happened to be male!).

Still Waters

Naive has it pegged. It's likely that his sister said no such thing...and that he's simply making it up.

24Years

...when I first met my (now) husband, his sister told lies about me here and there. It was part of her makeup, and I learned not to touch it with a 10 foot pole. I don't trust her today. Since she has an obvious character flaw (being a liar), I left it up to my husband to bring it up to her. At that, things got worse before they got better, but I took comfort in knowing they were her issues despite that I was shocked and in disbelief over a number of things she said. Years later, she had the audacity to demand to know why she wasn't in our wedding party. It's funny looking back at it.

You could confront her, but if she did lie, do you think she'll admit that to you? I'm having a hard time imagining how that will go:

"Yes, I said that because..."(I enjoy inflicting pain on people(?)... If you have a friendship with her, though; it does seem you may be able to get a good read of that.

I agree that your xhusband sounds like he may be covering by not giving more information, but if you believe you husband is lying, you won't have any proof. It seems to me that saying anything to him would be a waste of time and energy. Even if it's a small chance that he isn't lying, he would have good reason to be upset if he's falsely accused of lying.

transformyself

Get it out Girl. Work it out.

Turning away from this madness gives me the happiness I've craved for so long.

Pelican

Have you seen CatsPajama's signature line?

"What other people think of me is none of my business."

kv816

Well he called me this morning and said as soon as his neice (10 yo) got home he was going to ask her what she saw. And apparently she swore to him up and down that she is 100% sure she saw me hug a guy. He said he asked her to show him how the hug went and he said when she did it, it was just a simple "run into an old friend, hello kind of hug".

He said it just got blown way out of proportion but it's all done and over with now so no big deal.

My stomach did circles. I'm almost glad I haven't eaten today....it would have been all over the floor because "it's all done and over with now" made me sick.

I told him if we were going to work this out than we needed couples counseling. He said if I need counseling then I can go ahead and do it and he'd be behind me the whole way. I said couples counseling is for two people and if he wants to give me what I need then I need this. He said we don't need couples counseling, I need individual counseling. I told him I'd make an app this week and if he chose to go with me, great.

He said that our problems were all money based. That if we had more money and weren't losing things and had a house big enough for all of us that it'd solve all of our problems. I said we have a lot of financial problems but we have a lot of other problems that are not based on finances. He, of course, disagreed. Money buys happiness. I told him that I'm just not the kind of person that money can make happy. The conversation went into boundaries and "rules". He said he is a grown man who doesn't live by rules or f-ed up boundaries so if we're going to work on our relationship than those rules and boundaries are out the damn window. I said it wasn't about throwing rules on his life it's about getting respect I think I deserve. It's about being treated the way I want to be treated. He said it was crap and he's always treated me better than anyone ever has in my life so the rules and boundaries are out the window.

It still amazes me. I went through every emotion today and then some. I had been crying before he called but by the time we hung up I was angry again. It seems every word that came out of his mouth reminded me why I left him.

But I'm still fighting with my thoughts tonight.