trapeze

I'm new to SR, and I have a serious question. Are there success stories, where those of us married to/involved with alcoholics lead happy lives with the alcoholics? I'm not talking about being good soldiers and enduring the pain, or learning detach and accept less. I'm talking about alcoholics progressing through recovery and being pleasant, contributing partners in a relationship - does this happen?

I've yet to venture into Al Anon, although I do wonder why happily married people would need a support group.

My AH of 17 years is in rehab, and I haven't seen much on line that makes me think that investing more time makes sense. He's a nice guy, doesn't inflict the junk that I read about in so many posts. He is just withering away, just like his dad before him. Not working, accepting less responsibility, making and breaking promises. You know.

I am really serious when I ask these questions, and appreciate your time in sharing your experiences, good or bad. I'm a child of two alcoholics who never quit, so I don't have a good experience to draw from.

transformyself

Hi there. Welcome!

I am separated from and most likely divorcing my AH, but please consider this:

YOu said, Well neither are we Sister. That's a lateral move. More of the same.

I've experienced freedom from that way of life.
Being a good soldier.
Enduring the pain. Accepting less?

Hell no. That describes my life BEFORE acceptance and detachment and focusing on myself. That describes me when I was still trying to believe his apologies. Over and over again. When I was still so focused on him that i wouldn't admit to myself that I didn't want to be married to him.

My life today is more full than it's ever been. Acceptance of my H alcoholism and, more importantly, accepting that I do not want to live that kind of lifestyle, has brought me peace, happiness, freedom and serenity.

Every morning, I feel like a little kid at Christmas.

I"m glad you're here. I hope you keep sharing.

LaTeeDa

Hi there and welcome to SR. I've been hanging around here a while, and I have to tell you that periodically, someone posts this very question.

I've come to understand that most people are not really asking "does it happen?" because we all know that it does, of course happen, in some cases. What you are really asking, I believe, is "will it happen for me?"

Who knows? If my crystal ball worked properly, I would have won the lotto by now. Alas, the darn thing has always been faulty and I finally gave up gazing into it.

All any of us can do is focus on the present, here and now, and make the best of our lives. Spend too much time gazing into that faulty crystal ball and, before you know it, your life will have passed you by...............

L

trapeze

Believe it or not, I really am asking if full recovery happens after years of prolonged use. As I mentioned, my parents are both alcoholics, never recovered or improved. My father in law died a horrible alcoholic death, wet brained, awful, with my MIL being a good soldier. She did not lessen his misery by being there. He quit drinking (once he lost his mind), but it was too late for him to experience any improvement. So what point is too late? I guess this is a question of biology.

I realize some people quit drinking and move on with their lives. My brother did that, but he quit much younger than my husband, who if he quits now will have quit at 55. However, my husband has been using for almost 40 years, and I really question if he will ever be really have sustained recovery. Does this ever happen, or is the impact of long term use so extreme that alcoholics get to a point where they can never be who they were before the long term use? Maybe this is a question for experts, but I figure there are people on this forum who have real life experience. Maybe those whose spouses had a robust recovery don't come to the forum.

To borrow a phrase from weight loss commercials, I know that individual results may vary. But what's the best case? I know the worst case, as I have seen death due to alcoholism.

Thanks to all for input!

gowest

I just want to address this part of your question.

First of all, even the best marriages aren't "happy" all the time. If some one says they are I'd bet the farm that at least one person is either lying or in denial

Second, I'd like to share something a very very wise therapist once said to me. I had wanted to talk about some of the "old" things and deal with family of origin issues. We were never getting around to it because there were so many crisis popping up in my life. His comment was that you can't go about opening the trunks in the attic to look at grandma's clothes when your kitchen is on fire right now! I got the point.

Alanon is not only to use in times of crisis but to keep working on oneself once the dust has settled. People get a lot out of giving back and listening to new people even when they no longer have an active addict/alcoholic in their lives. (the addict may have found recovery, died or just not be a part of ones life any more - doesn't necessarily mean you don't go back to Alanon).

gowest

Just want to remind you that if they find long term recovery (I have a relative who is sober and in AA for over 20 years s it can be done) that they will never be "who they were before the long term use".

I don't think that is possible. Maybe they will be better, happier, different but not the same

justanothrdrunk

I consider my story to be a "success" story - from the other side - similar situation though.

Not quite as old - I'm 37 - started drinking and using drugs at 12. Been sober over 2 years now - so I guess that makes for 23 years of chemical abuse.

Been married for 15 years and counting. I go to AA, wife goes to al-anon. I consider us "happily" married.

One thing struck me about one of your posts - something about things being the way they were. Just so you know, things will never be the way they were - even best case scenario. Lives are forever changed. BUT - a new life is possible.

I was a drunk when we got married (even when we met) so this is new for the both of us - me being sober I mean. Everything is new and different.

trapeze

Thanks, GW, good food for thought. I'm gathering data your input is helpful.

cagreg9

Trapeze, I totally understand what you are asking, I was going to ask the same question myself. It just seems that everyone that posts end up getting divorced and I was just wondering if there was any hope. I am just having a terrible day today and feel so worn out and hopeless. I know tomorrow I could feel completely different. Im just so tired of being the responsible one, being strong for the kids, trying to keep everything together. I just miss the way things used to be, I miss my husband! If I could only read that it is possible...it would make a huge difference.I know it wont be the same, too much has happened.

TTOSBT

I, like justanotherdrunk am the addict in my marriage.

I am an alcoholic wife and mother that has been sober for a year and a half now. My husband and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. I have no idea why he stuck around through all that I put my family through, but I am very grateful.

We both feel that our marriage is better than it has ever been (I was always a closet drinker). But SO much of this relies on my commitment to my recovery and the amount of work I am willing to put into it. I am very involved in AA, though I try to balance the best I can so my family does not have to be without me in recovery the way they were during my drinking. I have a sponsor I still call regularly and I have worked the steps.

So I would say yes, there are success stories but it all depends on the addict and whether they are willing to work their a*# off for their recovery.

Best of luck to you.

Cowgirl1265

My honest answer, Trapeze, is this:

When I spend too much time worrying about what someone else will do in the future or what will happen to them in the future, I am worrying about things that are out of my control. Continuing to worry about those things will only result in my own life being out of control.

My goal for healthy behavior is to focus on myself, today, and my own choices, today.

I suppose that's not the answer you are looking for but if it helps you, I am glad, and if you don't find anything in it useful, that's ok too.

isurvived

Rare as hens teeth I believe.

Speaking from my own experience.. my XAH was sober for 4 years straight. Worked his program, went to AA faithfully, excelled in his career... everything was going great.

Then one day, he fell off the wagon. Terribly. Turns out it was over a negative critical comment his father had made about something my AH had built.

From there it was a downhill spiral, he just never could manage to stay sober for very long.

Even odder, I recently found out that his father is not actually his real father, and that he knew that, but kept it from me for some 27 years. Amazing.

If I had to go back and do it over, I wouldn't. I always found myself looking back over my shoulder for that storm cloud gathering on the horizon.

TakingCharge999

If by success stories you mean people that have trascended their fears and winning over addictions in any form, yes of course there are, I know many from AA! and in this forum.

I agree with the above posters no one knows what the future holds... for all I know I may not even be blessed with another day on this Earth... the only thing we can do is do our best to become balanced individuals and the rest will get easier to handle. Whatever it is.....

Gosh that sounds so easy...

((HUGS)) you are not alone

Ago

I would suggest asking in the alcoholic twelve step forum for the success stories, that's where the success stories are to be found with sober alcoholics, you won't find them here in this forum, even the success stories in this thread are visitors from the alcoholism forum.

I will even echo a sentiment from an earlier poster and say success stories are "rare as hen's teeth" here. If I want to find drunk people I go to a bar, I won't find many success stories in a bar either. if I want to find sober people I go to an AA and alanon meetings, that's where I will find my success stories, are places they actually WORK a program of recovery.

I will also echo LaTeeDa's sentiments, will it happen for you?

I don't know.

You can't control his "recovery" you can however control your own, by attending alanon, by reading Codependent No More, by seeing a Therapist etc.

Alcoholism is a family disease that affects everyone it comes into contact with, you say you were raised by two alcoholics that never got into recovery, IMO there is a reason that you grew up and married an alcoholic, and it doesn't have anything to do with him, but everything to do with you and your upbringing, whether that's what you are comfortable with, or trying to "relive to repair" your childhood, or any of a myriad of other reasons, that's why going to Alanon and Therapy will be helpful FOR YOU.

Because the truth is it won't matter whether he quits drinking or not for you unless you take a look at and deal with your own unaddressed issues. If you want a success story you have to make it one on your own, because if your success story relies on the actions of someone else it will surely end in failure in my experience.

Hope is not a plan.

In my experience, Yes, it is not only possible, but once you actually enter the recovery community, it's the norm, I can hardly deal with most people that don't have and work a strong program of recovery, in most cases specifically the twelve steps, people who aren't in recovery seem to inhabit a different reality, one I have difficulty communicating with.

Up to you, but if you want a success story that has recovery in it you actually have to get into recovery yourself, the saying is If you don't grow together, you will surely grow apart, so what happens if he does get sober and mentally healthy, because that's not what and who he is now, he may want something different in life if he gets well.

It takes two to tango, and nothing upsets the apple cart like only one of a couple getting healthy, whether it's the alcoholic or the codependent that decides they don't want to live like this any more and takes control of their own destiny and recovery.

smacked

I was the addict/alcoholic in my marriage.. sober for a bit over a year. Our relationship has never been better, been w/ him since I was 14 (I'm 28 now). My life is the best it's been since I can remember.. and our lives together are amazing. That has all come with a TON of work on my part, and just as much work on his part. I wasn't the only sick one in the relationship. I wasn't the only one who needed a dose of 'recovery'.

Just my .02

trapeze

Thanks for all the posts. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experiences. I was a bit surprised at the assumptions some folks made about who I am.

My husband is a secret drinker, and there's not much chance anyone would have identified him as an alcoholic 17 years ago. I never saw him drunk, he never missed a day of work, and had the same job for 27 years. He lost his job 3 years ago, and has not gotten his life back together since losing it. Three weeks ago I told him that if he wasn't going to get his life together, he could leave. He countered by telling me about his drinking problem. Ten days ago he checked him into rehab, and now I'm trying to decide if he's coming home or going elsewhere.

I was previously married to a man with absolutely no drinking issues. I am not destined to live with an alcoholic.

If the choice is live the life I've lived for the past year, the answer is no. I don't want to adjust, I don't want to detach with love and live that life, I want out. He's a spouse, not a child, so I can get out of the relationship and heal. I don't want to manage his recovery. I've never lied for him, never poured out liquor (didn't know he had it), was never verbally abused. He never frequented bars, stayed out, or failed to call.

Just thought I'd consider giving the guy a chance if there's a reason to see where he heads next. He's a good person with a lot to offer if he ever sobers up and gets mentally healthy.

Congrats to those who have found their sobriety. You deserve to be happy.

Learn2Live

I've known many people who are alcoholic and/or addicted to many things who have gotten clean and sober and gone on to live "better" lives. I've also known many who have relapsed on one beer and thrown it ALL away, all over again. There are no answers as to what will happen. There is only today.

Daisy30

My story is not a success story. But there are many at my al-anon meetings.

It's kind of funny, when I first started going to meetings my AH was in "recovery". I remember thinking he will "recover" and then I don't have to come to these meetings anymore....lol
Then as I sat in more meetings I decided I would listen very carefully to those people who's alcoholic partner had recovered. Because after all they were the ones who could help me cause my AH was going to "recover". But then I started to wonder why are they still here? Isn't it silly that they would still be here their friend/family memeber is sober, working a program. Then a few months into it, it hit me. This wasn't about THEM it was about ME.
I had a lot to learn....lol
I truely didn't know how sick I had become until I started to recover. I continue to work on myself (the only person I can control). My husband is still an Active Alcoholic and I continue to go to my al-anon meetings....I learn so much there. BUT even if he was in recovery, I would still go. I am a work in progress, I continue to grow and change. I realized you can be in the program for years and be back at step 1 in a heartbeat.

I think al-anon is a great place. You should give it a try. It may help you with some of the decisions you are trying to make

(((((hugs))))) Keep posting!

intheknow

My AH has been in rehab for 11 days as of today, and is set to come home next friday.

I have asked myself what kind of life I want, what kind of life I deserve...and whatever I decide that is I know one thing: I DESERVE HAPPINESS. However I find it, where ever it is, who ever it is with or without.

BTW, he is not coming home after recovery. He is moving into a little place down the street, and we are going to take things one day at a time. He is fully aware that this may or may not work, but we agree on one thing - our kids are very important to both of us and we want what is best for all of us.

Do I believe with my whole heart that he has changed? Pssshhhh...no. Do I believe that this is a forever change? Oh h - e - double hockeysticks no. Do I believe the future is going to be very different? Yes it will - because I have taken ownership in my future.

trapeze

Mellane and Daisy,

Thanks for sharing your personal stories. Food for thought, for sure.

I'm coming to grips that the dream is gone. Based on my experience living alcoholics, I understand that I can't control AH's future. But yikes, it is painful. He is truly the nicest guy you could ever hope to meet.

Good luck on your journeys.