Haven't been here for a while

Old 09-10-2003, 06:46 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Texas
Posts: 34
Haven't been here for a while

I can really relate to some of the posts here. My bf-- when he isn't drinking, or limits himself to one six-pack-- is wonderful. But if he buys more than six, he is not able to stop and after six, he changes into a different person. He freely and humbly admits he has a problem and I see him struggling with it, but he's not ready to stop.

Fortunately we don't live together. We go back and forth between our two houses. Unfortunately he's doing a lot of landscaping and yard work at my house and is getting really attached to the place.

I'm not ready to break up with him yet. My late husband was disabled and I was very involved with his health. I don't think it's a coincidence that I've attracted another man with health concerns that suck me in. I do have a tendency to disappear into the relationship to the neglect of my own life. I really want to "get" whatever I'm supposed to get from this relationship or I'm quite sure I'll attract another one just like it.

Like so many have said, if it weren't for the drinking, he would be (almost) the perfect partner. We are so perfect for each other in so many ways.

I did leave him once about seven months ago when he was getting drunk on wine or scotch every night. Since then he has limited himself to beer. He doesn't go out to drink, and he is very conscious of how he comes across in public, so he has never overindulged in front of any of my friends.

I did start going to al-anon the other day. I want this to be the last caregiving relationship I'm in.

Frankly I'm not sure why I've stayed in this so long (a year). If I could turn the clock back and not meet him, I would do it in a minute. Right now I don't feel the good things outweigh the bad things.

Gary Zukav says that at every minute your soul is bringing you the experiences it wants you to have. I'm trying to learn and not resist too much. I'm not making the way I feel his fault. I never rant and rave about his drinking. Except for one thing: I've told him I don't want him to get drunk at my house. That it's my sanctuary and my haven and I don't want him there drunk. He has mostly adhered to that-- although he violated it twice in the last week.

Something is going on with him-- don't know what.

Anyway, rambling now. Thanks for "listening."
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Old 09-11-2003, 02:39 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
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Hi Sasha

Welcome back. Sending you some hugs!!

Take care.
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Old 09-11-2003, 03:56 AM
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LongStrangeTrip's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
Hi Sasha,
Just remember to take care of yourself. You already know why you're in the relationship and that alone says you are very aware of who you are. Just stay true to yourself and your needs and you'll do the right things.

God Bless.
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Old 09-11-2003, 06:47 AM
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jessieandme2003's Avatar
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
It is nice to read your post and hear how much you already know.

I do have a tendency to disappear into the relationship to the neglect of my own life.
It is great that you've learned to identify this in yourself and that right now you have taken a step back to see what is going on with your relationship. The tools and information we get from Al Anon are really there for us throughout our lives when we see our codependent behaviors coming back.

Set your boundaries (like you've done about your house) and stay firm in them. They will test every one you set. You do not have to make his problem yours. You already sound like you are doing great!
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