ElegantlyWasted

I will say that cheating can be an alcohol induced action that otherwise would not have happened. Difficult to differentiate between what behaviors are/ were related to alcohol and what wasn't. Then we can get into the whole dry drunk thing and "recovery". Bottom line I think is do whatever you need to do to be happy.

vegibean

Bohn, after being married to a man that did those same exact things the one and only thing I can think to tell you is this...........RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!!!!!!

If he thinks this is no big deal, just wait and see how much worse it'll get. My X had no remorse for anything he did, and that wasn't just the single dating sites I caught him on WITHIN the first year of our marriage. All the things he did were horrible.

My hind sight is 20-20.

No one can tell you what to do but if it's already starting like that and he totally disregards your feelings like it's "nothing but a thing", beware.

My best to you.

Bohn05

He is now mad at me for letting his Mom and sister know what he was doing. His sister did not even know he was drinking again. I was just so upset last weekend at his behavior and treatment of me I guess I was lashing out. His sister cancelled his birthday dinner and he blames it on my behavior. I should not have involved his family and I guess I should not have--just looking for an outlet for all my anger and frustration. He said he would have never contacted my family but I do not do things like cheat on him and try to cover it up by lying etc.

He is blaming me as his best friend will not talk to him either and that is my fault too.

Once again I am getting set up to have a crappy weekend and sit around crying all weekend because I am such a bad person.

suki44883

No offense intended, but...why do you let him treat you this way? Sorry, but this is a horrible, horrible man. No one deserves to be emotionally abused this way. What is it going to take for you to realize he is not worth your time?

transformyself

Alcoholics will blame you for their behavior.
They will shame you into being quiet about their behavior.
It's not just your BF. This is the way they all behave. They have to protect and hide their drinking.

Why don't you do some reading here? I think you'll be surprised by the number of circumstances that are exactly like yours.

bookwyrm

You know what? You don't HAVE to have a crappy weekend if you don't want to. Detach. Don't take the blame he is shovelling your way. IT ISN'T YOURS. Consequences of his behaviour really are his responsibility. Hiding it and covering up just enables him. So. Do something good for yourself. Get away from him - visit friends/family. Treat yourself. You really do deserve it! :ghug3

wanting

Don't sit around and cry all weekend over this person. Get outside and see all the beauty that's there for you to enjoy.

LaTeeDa

Having this person in your life benefits you how? Maybe instead of ruminating on his crappy behavior, whether or not your reaction to his crappy behavior is justified, sitting around crying all weekend, you should contemplate just what you are getting out of this relationship.

I know when I find myself in situations that cause anxiety, I have to look at WHY I'm there. There is always a payoff. If I can be brutally honest with myself about what I'm getting out of it, I can take steps to change it. If I bury my head in the sand and pretend like I am some kind of "innocent victim," I set myself up to be further victimized.

It's up to you whether you want to keep handing over your power to someone else, or take it back.

L

kv816

Well, of course it's your fault! Don't you know everything is your fault?

XABF was drunk, one of many nights. Was taking his anger at me (I walked away from a fight he was picking) out on the dishes. He turned around to put some plates away (left in the rack from the last time HE did dishes), tripped over a chair (that had been there for 10 years), dropped the plates which shattered to the floor. And guess what!!! IT WAS MY FAULT! And then while cleaning up the broken glass (with a paper towel and his bare hands) he cut his hand. That was my fault too.

So he's drinking again (too bad for him). You told the people closest to him (GOOD for you!). They did what they felt was right (don't want any part of it).

And you're upset why? Do you think his family is hanging out crying all weekend?

I do know what you're going through though. It's hard to have a time when every time before has been with him. Good time, bad time, quiet time, loud time, happy time, fight time. Didn't matter--every time I have had the last two years has been with xabf and now I'm supposed to have a time without him??? I've asked myself hundreds of times "okay, now what the hell do I do with myself???"

I wish we were closer.....I'm not sure what I'm gonna do tonight. My sitter canceled so I'm not going to make it to my meeting tonight (which has become my time for Saturday night). I'll probably sit here looking around the room for a couple hours. LOL

shugabooga

bohn, how are you doing? i realize your last post was in october but i'm going through the forums reading about sociopathy (because my exboyfriend, who just died, was a sociopath) and read all this.

are you doing better?

FreeingMyself

..............I guess what I am saying is I am tired of blaming alcohol and myself for his character flaws--maybe he is just not a good person--alcohol or not???...........

This is EXACTLY my husband - alcohol or not - maybe he is just not a good person! I tried to blame it all on the alcohol, but even not drinking he is horrible to me and only gotten worse since he has cut back!!!!!!!! I think people like this tend to use alcohol to mask their true selves, because even they don't like who they are.

Kittyboo

You're allowing him to turn HIS behavior around on you.

I think many of us have done that one time or another, but then you wake up and realize this guy is just a FIRST CLASS A**!

Why don't you take some of your power back and tell him he can go f*** himself??!
Sorry to be so crass but your last sentance really got to me...

"Once again I am getting set up to have a crappy weekend and sit around crying because I AM SUCH A BAD PERSON."
REALLY???? Is that how you REALLY feel? Because if you choose to do that this weekend, you are doing that to yourself.
Grieving over the loss of a relationship is normal, and actually healthy. It's understood that you will need to grieve over the person you THOUGHT you lost. He is obviously not the sweet caring man he must have presented himself to be.

You don't need this guy! (said with love)

Helenlee

"Don't these people end up lonely?"

No Bohn, they don't EVER end up lonely. They always have a new rescuer lined up to move on to.
But the women who throw away their lives/children/sanity/careers/money/health/looks for them sure as hell do.

You don't have time to be worrying about his mental health dear girl, you need to be questioning your OWN.

(Said with much love & empathy & as the result of personal experience)