what if it really is me...
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 25
what if it really is me...
okay, i know everyone feels this way, to some extent that is why we stay, i think, but i'm just trying to figure it all out. what if it really is me with the problem. i keep reading the lit. and it sounds right, but then i think, i know people who don't drink at all that a lot of these things apply to. what if i am just blaming the alcohol, because it is easier then dealing with my issues. what if i have found my way here because i am actually doing what i think he is doing and putting my problems on him, telling myself this is whats wrong so i am not to blame. and yes i know that is the point, they twist things to make you feel that way, but there have to be times and situations where there actually is no alcohol problem, just someone looking to justify their own screw ups.:sorry i know guilt, i'm trying, but the thought just keeps spinning in my head.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Was my AXH 100% to blame for the failure of our relationship? NO! I was part of the problem.
What can I control? Only my part of the problem.
I'm here today working on myself. Trying to be a better me. Maybe one day I can be a part of a healthy relationship and continue to take care of me while sharing my life with another adult.
We have an expression in 12 step and used here at SR. You are responsible for keeping your side of the street clean. Only your side.
If you notice some trash on your side of the street (imperfections), you take steps to clean it up. You take it one day at a time. You make a little more progress each and every day.
We're here to support you!
What can I control? Only my part of the problem.
I'm here today working on myself. Trying to be a better me. Maybe one day I can be a part of a healthy relationship and continue to take care of me while sharing my life with another adult.
We have an expression in 12 step and used here at SR. You are responsible for keeping your side of the street clean. Only your side.
If you notice some trash on your side of the street (imperfections), you take steps to clean it up. You take it one day at a time. You make a little more progress each and every day.
We're here to support you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Violet, I think I've asked myself that for the past 6 years ever since meeting my husband. After finding this place, I realize that I feel this strong feeling in my gut that there is something amiss in my relationship with him, on his side as well as on mine. I tried to fix him, heal him, change him and suffered as a consequence of my inability to do so. And he...well, he's got his own issues.
So yah, you do have your part in it, but at the same time, you're here because deep down inside, you know that there's some truth to your feelings. I'd say to trust that. I'm trying to do that myself...
So yah, you do have your part in it, but at the same time, you're here because deep down inside, you know that there's some truth to your feelings. I'd say to trust that. I'm trying to do that myself...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
Originally Posted by imtheidiot 
Violet, I think I've asked myself that for the past 6 years ever since meeting my husband. After finding this place, I realize that I feel this strong feeling in my gut that there is something amiss in my relationship with him, on his side as well as on mine. I tried to fix him, heal him, change him and suffered as a consequence of my inability to do so. And he...well, he's got his own issues.
So yah, you do have your part in it, but at the same time, you're here because deep down inside, you know that there's some truth to your feelings. I'd say to trust that. I'm trying to do that myself...
So yah, you do have your part in it, but at the same time, you're here because deep down inside, you know that there's some truth to your feelings. I'd say to trust that. I'm trying to do that myself...
We all have a part in getting ourselves in these situations, and all of us have remorse and guilt over our own actions. However, I still think that without the alcohol making the situation what it was, my actions would have been totally different and I would have never resorted to the levels that I did.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
C you didn't cause it
C you can't control it
C you cant cure it
Nobody is perfect, but imperfect sane rational logical people are capable of working out and resolving problems.
When one party is an alcoholic, the sanity and logic cannot prevail.
So lets blame ourselves, not for causing their drinking, but for being imperfect.
C you can't control it
C you cant cure it
Nobody is perfect, but imperfect sane rational logical people are capable of working out and resolving problems.
When one party is an alcoholic, the sanity and logic cannot prevail.
So lets blame ourselves, not for causing their drinking, but for being imperfect.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Violet, My guess is that EVERYTHING you said in your post is TRUE. It seems contradictory but I have been in the SAME EXACT place as you write about. He probably DOES manipulate you and you probably DO have the same problems as he. It's just that he uses DRUGS/ALCOHOL and you use DRUG ADDICTS/ALCOHOLICS. Anyway, that's my guess.
Everyone has these same problems, whether involved with alcoholism and addiction or not. EVERYone in some form or another.
Everyone has these same problems, whether involved with alcoholism and addiction or not. EVERYone in some form or another.
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
Wow, Violet, I have thought the same thing. Sometimes I still do. He always use to bring up that we've had some good times when he was drinking and when we were drinking together. And he's right, we have. And we've had some rough times, when he wasn't drinking. And we've had some fights because I would go into pissed off aggressive mode because I thought he was drinking and therefore violated my boundaries when it turned out he really wasn't drinking.
My world has spun in circles SOOOO much with the "what if's" over maybe the problem is all ME and it's not alcohol.
But this is what I've found.....I pay close attention to myself anymore. What I'm thinking, how I'm feeling. I keep a journal every night. "These" are the things that upset me today and maybe a week or a month from now I'll look back and either validate that being angry was okay or realize how stupid I was for letting that upset me and know that's another thing I need to work on. I engaged in our fights (without a doubt I CAUSED some of those fights too). But as I look back at my journal I realize 99% of the things that upset me, 99% of the fights we had were because of my hate and disgust for his drinking.
I realize it doesn't matter if he IS an alcoholic or not, I DO have a problem with it and my focus at this point in time is to not let the popping top of a can of beer throw me into b!tch mode.
My world has spun in circles SOOOO much with the "what if's" over maybe the problem is all ME and it's not alcohol.
But this is what I've found.....I pay close attention to myself anymore. What I'm thinking, how I'm feeling. I keep a journal every night. "These" are the things that upset me today and maybe a week or a month from now I'll look back and either validate that being angry was okay or realize how stupid I was for letting that upset me and know that's another thing I need to work on. I engaged in our fights (without a doubt I CAUSED some of those fights too). But as I look back at my journal I realize 99% of the things that upset me, 99% of the fights we had were because of my hate and disgust for his drinking.
I realize it doesn't matter if he IS an alcoholic or not, I DO have a problem with it and my focus at this point in time is to not let the popping top of a can of beer throw me into b!tch mode.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 25
i'm starting to keep a journal again. haven't done that in a really long time. i'm hoping just putting some of the things down will help me.
it is the realization that i am developing a problem with anyone drinking that sent me writing here (that and my son) and am working on going to al-anon meetings. i used to say i think he has a problem, now i know i do. not in the same way, but its definately there. i feel like so many of these things are fitting into what everyone else says so easily. i know its not all the alcohol. just like kv816 says, i know i have started fights because i was afraid he was drinking when he wasn't. i guess i'm just thinking out loud and trying to pull myself out of the jumble. the interesting thing is i used to do that. when he picked a fight, i walked away, i distanced myself. i'm not sure when that changed, but it did. thank you everyone, you giving me the strength to work on that some more.
it is the realization that i am developing a problem with anyone drinking that sent me writing here (that and my son) and am working on going to al-anon meetings. i used to say i think he has a problem, now i know i do. not in the same way, but its definately there. i feel like so many of these things are fitting into what everyone else says so easily. i know its not all the alcohol. just like kv816 says, i know i have started fights because i was afraid he was drinking when he wasn't. i guess i'm just thinking out loud and trying to pull myself out of the jumble. the interesting thing is i used to do that. when he picked a fight, i walked away, i distanced myself. i'm not sure when that changed, but it did. thank you everyone, you giving me the strength to work on that some more.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 96
I hope Im allowed to post this by Toby Drew, anyway, It helped me not feel so bad and allowed me the feelings and actions I took when i was with my AH.
Getting Them Sober • View topic - when made to feel guilty for our anger when they're abusive
Getting Them Sober • View topic - when made to feel guilty for our anger when they're abusive
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
Wow Lilly Burn, that really put things flat out for me. Thanks for that link. I especially liked the post that says.....
As we recover...Expect the A to kick up the dirt (throw a hissy fit , or a temper tantrum!!). They dont usually like our changing...because it does not put them first and it takes them off that Throne!
As we recover...Expect the A to kick up the dirt (throw a hissy fit , or a temper tantrum!!). They dont usually like our changing...because it does not put them first and it takes them off that Throne!
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Wow, beautiful. I'm copying this to my desktop (edited of course because I"m a freak)...
******* that one of the functions of alcoholism is to PROTECT ITSELF.
***** And one of the ways it does so, is to baffle and attack the family, so that they back-off and feel guilty when they see/state the truth about alcoholic behavior and call it the way it is.
**** AND UNTIL FAMILY MEMBERS GET ENTIRELY RID OF THAT TO-THE-MARROW IRRATIONAL GUILT ABOUT SEEING THE TRUTH ABOUT EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND CRAZYMAKING -- AND NOT MINIMIZE IT -- AND NOT MINIMIZE IT
----- AND NOT MINIMIZE IT
------AND NOT MINIMIZE IT
------AND NOT MINIMIZE IT
------- WE ARE SITTING DUCKS FOR ALCOHOLISM..... AND SITTING DUCKS TO WIND UP WITH YET ANOTHER ALCOHOLIC OR ABUSIVE PERSON, IF WE ARE 'OUT THERE' DATING AGAIN. (And if we cannot get entirely rid of it --- then we must at least vigilantly remind ourselves of this particular kind of denial that we carry, so that we can effectively deal with it when it comes up. Because it will.)
I think that this is probably the most awful symptom of family alcoholism that there is. But we can get healed.
***** And one of the ways it does so, is to baffle and attack the family, so that they back-off and feel guilty when they see/state the truth about alcoholic behavior and call it the way it is.
**** AND UNTIL FAMILY MEMBERS GET ENTIRELY RID OF THAT TO-THE-MARROW IRRATIONAL GUILT ABOUT SEEING THE TRUTH ABOUT EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND CRAZYMAKING -- AND NOT MINIMIZE IT -- AND NOT MINIMIZE IT
----- AND NOT MINIMIZE IT
------AND NOT MINIMIZE IT
------AND NOT MINIMIZE IT
------- WE ARE SITTING DUCKS FOR ALCOHOLISM..... AND SITTING DUCKS TO WIND UP WITH YET ANOTHER ALCOHOLIC OR ABUSIVE PERSON, IF WE ARE 'OUT THERE' DATING AGAIN. (And if we cannot get entirely rid of it --- then we must at least vigilantly remind ourselves of this particular kind of denial that we carry, so that we can effectively deal with it when it comes up. Because it will.)
I think that this is probably the most awful symptom of family alcoholism that there is. But we can get healed.
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