violet97

i know i can't force him to change and i don't want to try to push him should he change his mind, but he mentioned maybe going to AA. i'm trying to figure out if there is anything i can do to encourage without sounding like i am nagging. or should i just stay out of it completely and let him find his own way?

Bernadette

should i just stay out of it completely and let him find his own way?

I vote YES.

Violet - try to completely detach yurself from believing you have any control over what he does!

Keep the focus on you. What can you do for yourself today to get the focus away from him and onto you?

peace-
b

Pelican

I agree with Bernadette.

Don't get caught up in hopes for recovery by the mention of AA. Mentioning AA is empty without follow through. He may be mentioning AA to get you off his back. Look at his actions.

Most communities have Sunday AA meetings. Has he looked into it yet? Has he found a schedule for local AA meetings? How committed is he?

AA and recovery are his. He has to do it himself.

What will you do for yourself today? Read, walk, nap, eat healthy and/or call a friend?

Allowing ourselves to get hooked into expectations of someone else's recovery, sets us up for resentments when there is no follow through. Working on my own detachment from someone else's recovery as I type. You're not alone!

violet97

thanks, thats what i thought. like you said though it is so easy to get your hopes up.

Freedom1990

Violet, have you checked into any Alanon meetings in your area yet?

That's a great way to start taking care of yourself.

:ghug2

Bernadette

It is so easy to get your expectations up Violet - and I found that for me, it was one of the most damaging things I allowed myself to do. I would be ecstatic any time oneof my bros mentioned AA or actually went to a meeting or even talked about the fact they have a problem...I would be giddy!

Then when they went ahead and lived their own lives the way the want to and deserve to, which for them included further drinking and disasters - I would be crushed. I would get so depressed. And angry. It really was the "roller-coaster" and it was making me very sick.

It was not easy to learn the difference between hope and expectations. But it probably saved my mental health to figure out that detachment. It took effort and practice. And for me it took AlAnon - I couldn't have figured it out on my own.

good luck-
b

Learn2Live

I agree with the above posters; detaching is necessary for your health. What I have taught myself to do in situations like this is for MYSELF: When he brings these things up, don't get your hopes up for yourself or your "relationship." Instead support him not by doing things for him; don't even buy him a small sobriety present at his AA anniversaries. Just say things like, "Way to go" or "Good job" or "You can do it." (Encouraging words only).

Also and I think I've said this on here before: Don't do or say anything that you would not do or say to a person you meet in line at the grocery store. Try using that as your guide.

Or, you could just ignore him completely.

violet97

i know your all right. gotta keep myself in check. i have been to 1 alanon meeting and am going again tomorrow. seems like a strange coincidence he said that around the same time i went to the meeting. he doesn't know i went- we works out of town and is away during the week, home on weekends, so it was just interesting timing. and yes i am trying to concentrate on my not him... what can i say after years of doing things one way it takes a while to switch.