What Blows My Mind.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
What Blows My Mind.....
I don't believe he wants to live this way and it blows my mind how he will not change.
I believe he sees the insanity of it and he thinks about change and straightning out his life but somehow he can't pull himself out of it or he won't.
Detach with love is what I am going to continue doing. I don't want to figure out his life and it is not my place.
Maybe I still don't know enough about all of this and that is why I stay in awe about his insane behavior.
It is way beyound me and certainly hell to live with. I know I don't want to live this way, I don't want my son growing up in such evil chaos.
Can he change? Can things be "normal" ? Perhabs. All I know is that I will not live a life of insanity.
I feel things between me and him are left so open. Closure is something I wont have I know this.
My HP does not want me to live a life of pain so I won't.
I do believe he loves me, there is no doubt in my mind. Gosh I know that maybe sound nuts. What is so painful is that life could be wonderful without his sickness.
Sometimes I wonder if he is bi-polar, who knows the bottom line is that if he really wanted to, he would gethelp and do everything in his power to beat this.
I am rambling stuff I have on my mind this morning. I am hurt and sad about what is going on with him.
I am giving it to God, all of it and will stop wondering about him. I am needed and I have to focus on my life with my son. My precious little angel that has baught already so much sunshine into my life.
Has anyone been with an A that actually changed for the better?
I believe he sees the insanity of it and he thinks about change and straightning out his life but somehow he can't pull himself out of it or he won't.
Detach with love is what I am going to continue doing. I don't want to figure out his life and it is not my place.
Maybe I still don't know enough about all of this and that is why I stay in awe about his insane behavior.
It is way beyound me and certainly hell to live with. I know I don't want to live this way, I don't want my son growing up in such evil chaos.
Can he change? Can things be "normal" ? Perhabs. All I know is that I will not live a life of insanity.
I feel things between me and him are left so open. Closure is something I wont have I know this.
My HP does not want me to live a life of pain so I won't.
I do believe he loves me, there is no doubt in my mind. Gosh I know that maybe sound nuts. What is so painful is that life could be wonderful without his sickness.
Sometimes I wonder if he is bi-polar, who knows the bottom line is that if he really wanted to, he would gethelp and do everything in his power to beat this.
I am rambling stuff I have on my mind this morning. I am hurt and sad about what is going on with him.
I am giving it to God, all of it and will stop wondering about him. I am needed and I have to focus on my life with my son. My precious little angel that has baught already so much sunshine into my life.
Has anyone been with an A that actually changed for the better?
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi PW,
Both my dad and my husband changed for the better once they found recovery. Until then my dad was a controlling, paranoid nut and my husband was self-destructive and suicidal. So yes, with recovery, A's can and do get better. In fact, there are plenty around here who have.
Both my dad and my husband changed for the better once they found recovery. Until then my dad was a controlling, paranoid nut and my husband was self-destructive and suicidal. So yes, with recovery, A's can and do get better. In fact, there are plenty around here who have.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
PW
It isn't them that changes - it is US. We too continue the same insane behaviour until we finally say "enough" and begin working our program.
Your life will get better when YOU change, and I think you are almost there.
Hugs
Ann
It isn't them that changes - it is US. We too continue the same insane behaviour until we finally say "enough" and begin working our program.
Your life will get better when YOU change, and I think you are almost there.
Hugs
Ann
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Pretty Woman
Until I get my focus off them, my recovery can only go to the beginning of recovery...acknowledging there is a problem....It is only when I go to the soluation that I begin real and true recovery.
Please give your son the wonderlous gift..... of your recovery!
Love and prayers
Until I get my focus off them, my recovery can only go to the beginning of recovery...acknowledging there is a problem....It is only when I go to the soluation that I begin real and true recovery.
Please give your son the wonderlous gift..... of your recovery!
Love and prayers
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Prettywoman,
Yes there are the tools of recovery available to those who WANT them. Your ex at this point in time does not and there really is nothing you can say or do to change that.
What you CAN change however is you. By focussing on you, by working a program you can achieve miracles.
By continuing to focus on you, you are disempowering yourself and not moving on with your life. Your baby needs you to be healthy and available.
It took me a long time (years) to accept the fact that my ex does not want to get well. All my wishing, manipulating in the world would never have changed that, he simply doesn't want it he sees nothing wrong. His illness still works for him so there is nothing to change. I'm a million times happier now that I'm out of it.
Ngaire
Yes there are the tools of recovery available to those who WANT them. Your ex at this point in time does not and there really is nothing you can say or do to change that.
What you CAN change however is you. By focussing on you, by working a program you can achieve miracles.
By continuing to focus on you, you are disempowering yourself and not moving on with your life. Your baby needs you to be healthy and available.
It took me a long time (years) to accept the fact that my ex does not want to get well. All my wishing, manipulating in the world would never have changed that, he simply doesn't want it he sees nothing wrong. His illness still works for him so there is nothing to change. I'm a million times happier now that I'm out of it.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
Prettywoman,
My AH is bi-polar. My AH is also 4+ months sober now and takes his meds (Lithium and Zoloft) daily. He is like a changed man. I almost feel like our past together has been a dream (nightmare, actually) of sorts.
He talks about his addiction openly, works his program, goes to meetings. He does not get defensive when I ask him how he he is doing or if he's having a rough day and I notice.
We also go to counselling, and save the hard issues for those sessions, but we're getting to a place where we're able to talk about almost anything and neither of us reacts in an unhealthy manner.
He told me not too long ago that he always knew something was wrong with him, that he really did feel insane, but didn't know how to tell anyone because he was ashamed and felt "weird." He said he felt like if he expressed to me what he "thought" was wrong with his head that I would leave him, mock him or worse, tell people about it and they would mock him.
Being bi-polar doesn't excuse the addiction, but I do believe it makes the disease worse because not only are they fighting with the intense shame and guilt of using, but they also think they're crazy.
You can still only work on you and do exactly what you said, leave it to God--because you're right, He doesn't want you to live a life of pain.
Best of luck and big hugs too,
My AH is bi-polar. My AH is also 4+ months sober now and takes his meds (Lithium and Zoloft) daily. He is like a changed man. I almost feel like our past together has been a dream (nightmare, actually) of sorts.
He talks about his addiction openly, works his program, goes to meetings. He does not get defensive when I ask him how he he is doing or if he's having a rough day and I notice.
We also go to counselling, and save the hard issues for those sessions, but we're getting to a place where we're able to talk about almost anything and neither of us reacts in an unhealthy manner.
He told me not too long ago that he always knew something was wrong with him, that he really did feel insane, but didn't know how to tell anyone because he was ashamed and felt "weird." He said he felt like if he expressed to me what he "thought" was wrong with his head that I would leave him, mock him or worse, tell people about it and they would mock him.
Being bi-polar doesn't excuse the addiction, but I do believe it makes the disease worse because not only are they fighting with the intense shame and guilt of using, but they also think they're crazy.
You can still only work on you and do exactly what you said, leave it to God--because you're right, He doesn't want you to live a life of pain.
Best of luck and big hugs too,
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
hi PW
As far as getting better, I often crave to hear more about the ones who achieve sobriety and live happier lives. Sometimes you can't help but crave that happy ending story. But this disease does not allow for many of them, it seems. Sometimes I do meet them in everyday life and it is a real pleasure. I just want to hug them, I am so happy for them.
My husband is on 39 days sober. Sadly, I know that is very little time, and that the chances of relapse are huge. I have heard the statistics and have accepted that I cannot allow myself even the pleasure of hope. It is a tough pill to swallow, but it is important for my own serenity that I face the situation in reality.
Since he has been in recovery he often talks about his sobriety openly. That has caused many other people to respond by stating their length of time sober. It happens more often than I would have ever guessed. And some of those people responded in years, not days. One was twelve years, so I made time to chat with his wife. She told the stories of how it was before (we all know THOSE stories) and how wonderful it was after. I have learned to be happy for them without it causing me greater expectations for my AH. That just wouldn't be fair to him, or myself.
So, yes, it does happen for some. And knowing what we do allows us to truly appreciate how wonderful it is for them.
My husband is on 39 days sober. Sadly, I know that is very little time, and that the chances of relapse are huge. I have heard the statistics and have accepted that I cannot allow myself even the pleasure of hope. It is a tough pill to swallow, but it is important for my own serenity that I face the situation in reality.
Since he has been in recovery he often talks about his sobriety openly. That has caused many other people to respond by stating their length of time sober. It happens more often than I would have ever guessed. And some of those people responded in years, not days. One was twelve years, so I made time to chat with his wife. She told the stories of how it was before (we all know THOSE stories) and how wonderful it was after. I have learned to be happy for them without it causing me greater expectations for my AH. That just wouldn't be fair to him, or myself.
So, yes, it does happen for some. And knowing what we do allows us to truly appreciate how wonderful it is for them.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 15
Pretty woman, I totally agree with all the fine ladies above. Being a mom it is hard to think of ourselves when our lives and child are falling apart. But now is the time to be selfish. Work on you. Begin your recovery.
Much luck to you,
C
Much luck to you,
C
Guest
Posts: n/a
My father was sober and in AA for 13 years before he passed. My parents even re-married! But he still had what is called a dry drunk attitude. I suppose part of that was that he was diabetic, and that will make you moody too. But he worked the program and stayed involved both with AA and his church and I know he felt Very blessed. There were many people at his funeral. (the diabeties finaly got him) He was loved.
But Very, Very Bruisable...
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Palm Springs, Ca.
Posts: 548
Re: What Blows My Mind.....
Originally posted by prettywoman
I don't believe he wants to live this way and it blows my mind how he will not change.
I don't believe he wants to live this way and it blows my mind how he will not change.
I believe he sees the insanity of it and he thinks about change and straightning out his life but somehow he can't pull himself out of it or he won't.
Can he change?
What is so painful is that life could be wonderful without his sickness.
This is not about him. No way, no how. It's about you.
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
PW,
It was really quite cut and dried for me, once I thought about my kids. My sons were learning how to treat their wives by watching how the A treated ME. It was time for me to break the cycle, and I did. He and I have a great relationship now as co-parents. We aren't married anymore, but the kids see their parents as people who respect, honor and appreciate each other
Not sure if this helps, but its my story.
O59
It was really quite cut and dried for me, once I thought about my kids. My sons were learning how to treat their wives by watching how the A treated ME. It was time for me to break the cycle, and I did. He and I have a great relationship now as co-parents. We aren't married anymore, but the kids see their parents as people who respect, honor and appreciate each other
Not sure if this helps, but its my story.
O59
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