My oldest child
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
My oldest child
It's me again.
On Friday of last week...hell week...my oldest daughter was texting me telling me how much family means to her. She and her boyfriend are having issues because family means "everything" (in her words) to her, and nothing to him.
I cannot help but find this to be very sad and ironic because the rest of us - her three siblings, her alcoholic and presently in rehab dad, and myself could use a shoulder right now and support. Yet none of us have heard from her at all since things went really, really bad in our lives a week ago and we made the decision that her AF needed to go to rehab.
She texted him once and told him that she hoped it "worked" for him. She texted me about her issues with her boyfriend, but never said once "Hey...how are you?" Her sisters and brother have not heard from her at all. She lives just down the street, not even a 1/4 mile in a house she rents from us. Her rent is due so I know I will see her in the next few days.
How do I deal with this as I am trying to put my (very broken) family back together?
On Friday of last week...hell week...my oldest daughter was texting me telling me how much family means to her. She and her boyfriend are having issues because family means "everything" (in her words) to her, and nothing to him.
I cannot help but find this to be very sad and ironic because the rest of us - her three siblings, her alcoholic and presently in rehab dad, and myself could use a shoulder right now and support. Yet none of us have heard from her at all since things went really, really bad in our lives a week ago and we made the decision that her AF needed to go to rehab.
She texted him once and told him that she hoped it "worked" for him. She texted me about her issues with her boyfriend, but never said once "Hey...how are you?" Her sisters and brother have not heard from her at all. She lives just down the street, not even a 1/4 mile in a house she rents from us. Her rent is due so I know I will see her in the next few days.
How do I deal with this as I am trying to put my (very broken) family back together?
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
I have noticed in my darkest hour that despite how important other things and people are around me I tend to push them aside. And I didn't realize it until a good friend of mine mentioned it a couple weeks ago. He sent me a text and said "are you okay?" I text him back and said yes, why would he think I wasn't. He said because I haven't asked how HE was in a couple weeks. We've talked, about anything and everything. But I never stopped to say "how was your day". And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am the person EVERYONE thinks they can ALWAYS come to for anything. I am the person that can sense when something's not right with the ones closest to me. And I've been so caught up in exabf and myself that I lost sight of those around me.
I was a zombie just over a month ago. Didn't talk to anyone really. Didn't want to eat. Didn't do much of anything but walk around. I had a lot going on, a lot on my mind and I just wasn't feeling very sociable and I didn't really think I had anyone to talk to. Someone I work with finally stopped me after a few days. Wrapped his arms around me and gave me a hug. And it was like a ton of bricks was lifted off my shoulder. Every second that hug lasted was another problem that I lost focus of.
Fact is, some people are stronger than others. And even the strongest people lose their strength from time to time. But it's one day at a time. One problem at a time. One focus at a time. Just because she doesn't stop to say "hey mom, how are you doing today" doesn't mean she doesn't care. I don't talk to my mom very often. I love her, don't get me wrong. And I think about her all the time. But usually when I call her it's because of some issue with xabf and I want to hear her words. She put up with my AF for over 20 years....let me tell you, that woman has it ALL together!!! And, as humans, when our lives feel like they're falling apart we tend to turn to those in our lives who seem to have their life all together.
I was a zombie just over a month ago. Didn't talk to anyone really. Didn't want to eat. Didn't do much of anything but walk around. I had a lot going on, a lot on my mind and I just wasn't feeling very sociable and I didn't really think I had anyone to talk to. Someone I work with finally stopped me after a few days. Wrapped his arms around me and gave me a hug. And it was like a ton of bricks was lifted off my shoulder. Every second that hug lasted was another problem that I lost focus of.
Fact is, some people are stronger than others. And even the strongest people lose their strength from time to time. But it's one day at a time. One problem at a time. One focus at a time. Just because she doesn't stop to say "hey mom, how are you doing today" doesn't mean she doesn't care. I don't talk to my mom very often. I love her, don't get me wrong. And I think about her all the time. But usually when I call her it's because of some issue with xabf and I want to hear her words. She put up with my AF for over 20 years....let me tell you, that woman has it ALL together!!! And, as humans, when our lives feel like they're falling apart we tend to turn to those in our lives who seem to have their life all together.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
We all deal with things differently. I have a 21 year old daughter who is no longer living with me. Her reaction to any sort of stress is basically to stick her head in the sand. It is what it is.
Anytime that I have had expectations of how I think she should be, I usually am disappointed. I quit doing that, and have learned to accept her as she is.
Anytime that I have had expectations of how I think she should be, I usually am disappointed. I quit doing that, and have learned to accept her as she is.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
She is 21. I want her to back up her words with actions...if family is so important to her, then where is she when her family needs her the most? Her sisters and brother definitely need all the love and support they can get right now.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
I think you should cut her some slack. She shouldn't be your shoulder and support, and she's likely been very affected by your home situation, and could probably use her mother's shoulder and support. Are you in al-anon? It's a great place to find the support that you need.
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She is 21. I want her to back up her words with actions...if family is so important to her, then where is she when her family needs her the most? Her sisters and brother definitely need all the love and support they can get right now.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
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Mellane, first, try not to let it get under your skin. It sounds like you're going through some rough times and hearing your daughter spout off like this is not what you need. Keep in mind 21 is still young enough to think you actually understand what's coming out of your mouth 
Second, why don't you just call her on it? Next time she's blabbing on about the importance of family, just ask, "So what's going on in my life right now?"
I think the rules of communication with boundaries doesn't just apply to addicts. Tell her you'll believe it when you see her actions saying this. You can say something all day long if you want, but saying it doesn't make it true. Use your actions (acknowledging or not acknowledging) to show her what you want.
As for her and her boyfriend, don't try to fix. It's your daughter's opportunity to learn and make her own mistakes, however it plays out. Just my two cents
Second, why don't you just call her on it? Next time she's blabbing on about the importance of family, just ask, "So what's going on in my life right now?"
I think the rules of communication with boundaries doesn't just apply to addicts. Tell her you'll believe it when you see her actions saying this. You can say something all day long if you want, but saying it doesn't make it true. Use your actions (acknowledging or not acknowledging) to show her what you want.
As for her and her boyfriend, don't try to fix. It's your daughter's opportunity to learn and make her own mistakes, however it plays out. Just my two cents
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 177
I am the oldest in my family. My mother looked to me for support because my father wasn't there. It was not my job to be my Mom's rock. The roles got reversed. She would become angry with me because it was easier to take it out on me. It was really misdirected anger.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Maybe you need to give her some time, a little breathing room.
We all deal with things differently, and pulling back, isolating a bit, might be her way to cope right now.
As was posted earlier, she is still the child, you are the parent. As much as you want a shoulder, maybe she does too?
I was the eldest child of an alcoholic parent (my father). I was and still am very close to my mother. However, alot of what I felt toward my Dad, was what my Mom felt. I had to learn to seperate all of the tightly woven relationships we had created.
I had to learn to deal with the things that were father/daughter.
I had to learn how to be there for my mother, but, I couldn't be her best friend. Matters between a husband and wife really shouldn't become the burden of the child.
I had to learn that as the eldest, I couldn't rescue everyone.
Give it some time..rehab is a new experience for all of you.
Are you all attending Al-Anon, or Ala-Teen?
We all deal with things differently, and pulling back, isolating a bit, might be her way to cope right now.
As was posted earlier, she is still the child, you are the parent. As much as you want a shoulder, maybe she does too?
I was the eldest child of an alcoholic parent (my father). I was and still am very close to my mother. However, alot of what I felt toward my Dad, was what my Mom felt. I had to learn to seperate all of the tightly woven relationships we had created.
I had to learn to deal with the things that were father/daughter.
I had to learn how to be there for my mother, but, I couldn't be her best friend. Matters between a husband and wife really shouldn't become the burden of the child.
I had to learn that as the eldest, I couldn't rescue everyone.
Give it some time..rehab is a new experience for all of you.
Are you all attending Al-Anon, or Ala-Teen?
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
You are married to an A, she is not. It's not her job to be the family support system, perhaps she is trying to detach from all the drama.
My mother was always looking for me to be her support system and trying to suck me into her drama. I was never allowed to have problems, hers were always more important. Because that was all I knew I married someone who was the worst of her and my dad combined. Between the two of them they nearly sucked the life out of me.
Let her be, she has an A father and is in need of support herself.
My mother was always looking for me to be her support system and trying to suck me into her drama. I was never allowed to have problems, hers were always more important. Because that was all I knew I married someone who was the worst of her and my dad combined. Between the two of them they nearly sucked the life out of me.
Let her be, she has an A father and is in need of support herself.
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Posts: 247
I did get information for al-anon tonite, and plan to attend the next chance I get. They gave me a blue AA book to read, and a couple people there gave me their phone numbers if I need anything.
I decided today that I cannot "fix" her too. Who knows if she even needs fixing...but I do know that I need to focus on me and fix the things I can about myself.
Thanks to all of you for your insight. I am trying to navigate my way thru this and have no idea what to do. I appreciate all of you!
I decided today that I cannot "fix" her too. Who knows if she even needs fixing...but I do know that I need to focus on me and fix the things I can about myself.
Thanks to all of you for your insight. I am trying to navigate my way thru this and have no idea what to do. I appreciate all of you!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
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So nice to see that you are concentrating on you.
I know this is so overwhelming right now, and the need to fix everything all at once is hard to fight.
Just take it one day at a time, and trudging along on your journey to recovery. That is the single most important thing you can do for you, and for your family.
I know this is so overwhelming right now, and the need to fix everything all at once is hard to fight.
Just take it one day at a time, and trudging along on your journey to recovery. That is the single most important thing you can do for you, and for your family.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
My 22 year old daughter is not behaving as I would have her behave were I piloting her life right now. At first that was a very hard thing to take. I started looking into codependency, and low and behold, apparently she has her own path to walk and I don't get to pick the direction! I say this with a smile, tongue in cheek, because I was right were you were and it was sooooo frustrating. Then I started letting her go. I asked the universe/god to watch over her, gave her back her life, and I am just grateful she is on the planet. The rest will work itself out in time.
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