transformyself

I'm going to write all of this down right now while it's fresh. Even though my boss is waiting on two bio's, even though I need to shower, grocery shop and clean before yoga.

AH came to pick up the kids. He was all sped up, most likely from drinking last night, not eating any actual food, and living on cigarettes, coffee and booze. He was all slap happy for about 10 minutes. My youngest son was moving quite slowly, he's got a sore leg muscle. AH turned on me, suddenly, because I wanted to put creme on his leg before AH took them to the grocery store. Snapped at me, not bad, but the mood swing thing is so dramatic.

Before you ask, I have a deal with AH:
When the kids are with him, he answers the phone when I call.
If he's drunk, I come to get them and they don't go back.
If he doesn’t answer, I drive over there and if he's drunk, see above

Now, I made up this rule and he agreed to it. He will break it just like the other commitment's I've brought to him that he agrees to. He will drink when they're there- its not of matter of if, but when, sure as eggs is eggs. Just like he will continue his verbal abuse and then call to apologize. I can count on it.

Anyway, after his sudden outburst at me for wanting to put the medicine on my littlest guy, I realized, as he was walking away, he’s behaving just like my father.

Now, my father is an alcoholic (what a surprise) and one of the many reasons I have no contact with him is because he will blow up, very fast, very horrible and freak out on me. He's a screaming drunk and verbally abusive. It's traumatized me. I suffer from PTSD because of his abuse and my mothers. I have many ways of dealing with it and do the best I can to stay in my body, aware of what I"m doing.

But it's impaired me in my own parenting because there are times when I also suddenly snap. It comes out of me like a sneeze or something I have no control over, surprising my kids and myself. I see the look in their eyes and know exactly how they feel. It doesn’t happen often, but once is too often.

We talk about it after words, I tell them it’s not their fault that I yelled and am sorry. I’m going to bring it to our family counselor next session and get some help from her for the kids. She sees them too.

I hate that my childhood still affects me in this way, it but am determined to change it and not subject my kids to the same behavior.

My dad is drunk, or most likely brutally hung over, when he does this. So is my AH. I'm am not. I do it because all that abuse from them went into me, like buck shot. They fester. The skin grows over them. But unattended they develop into projectiles, take on a life of their own and come shooting out of me out at others --without my consent. They will (and have in many ways) infected my children as well. But I'm going to dig them out and exercise them from my soul. I"m going to keep taking my kids to therapy.

I’ve tried so many different things. I refuse to say none of it helped, but all of them combined have gotten me to where I am today. I’m ready for the next plane of recovery. Of healing. I left my AH. I’m learning to detach, learning to be kind to myself and to not beat myself up when I slip back into old behaviors. Forgive myself for not knowing back then what I know now.

And the further I get away from my AH, from my AF, the clearer I see myself and my own sickness, the more time and energy I can devote to healing myself and my children.

AH didn’t want this effort from me to help him. He wanted attention, someone to blame, someone to tell him it would be ok. My precious time and love was wasted. This will not be.

I'm picking up a book today that I ordered by Pia Mellody, the intimacy factor, a workbook and I’m going to dig this horror out of me. Dig it all out, look it straight in the eye. Today I’m more afraid of screwing up my kids, of missing this crucial time when they’re children because I’m obsessed with this stupid man, than I am of facing my demons.

Bernadette

Today I’m more afraid of screwing up my kids, of missing this crucial time when they’re children because I’m obsessed with this stupid man, than I am of facing my demons.

AMEN to that!
What an excellent motivator!

peace & keep on keepin' on!
b

Learn2Live

Hey Transform, I'd like to give just my opinion. Not judging or anything... Might want to think about this if you haven't already.

If you don't like to be around the AH I'm willing to bet the kids don't either. And yes, if you think your AH is the same as your Dad and you now suffer from PTSD as an adult, your kids will probably suffer from PTSD too when they are adults. The best cure for this kind of thing is PREVENTION.

I also have PTSD and am working on it. I don't think I will ever be able to contain this anger. They call it a "temper" but I know it is not a temper. It is severe, uncontrollable rage. I do not think it was caused entirely by growing up in an alcoholic home. I think that played a part but the experiences I had in my teens and twenties also contributed to it I'm sure.

Anyway, if that man can't maintain his sobriety during the times he has his children, I would suggest that you discontinue sending them to their Dad's. If you are unable to do this yourself, I would suggest going thru the judge. The court will assign a social worker to evaluate and make recommendations. I don't want to scare you honey but there are many news reports of what men with these kinds of problems do to their children when they have visitation rights. I don't want to repeat them here so I don't upset anyone so PM me if you want.

I don't have children of my own so please know that I am not judging you or telling you how you "should" parent your own children. But I would not allow ANY children with this man, or anyone else with a drinking problem. By the sound of the boundaries and rules you have set with the AH (must answer phone, or if he doesn't or is drunk when he does, you go get them and bring them home) it sounds like you are afraid for your children's safety and rightly so.

transformyself

L2L
First of all THANK YOU for your respectful submission of advice. It makes it easier to hear the message.

Did you see my plan listed in my original post? If he can't maintain sobriety when they're there, visitation will be discontinued. That's a no brainer after everything I've seen.

Also., My AH isn't going to have the opportunity to abuse the kids. I"m aware of all the things you mentioned. I can assure you my AH won't abuse them in the way you're insinuating. I know him very well.

Soon enough, he'll drink when they're there and they won't be going. Our family therapist and I came up with my initial plan of action and I'm relieved I have her to address any upcoming issues of custody.

about PTSD:
I have pharma drugs to help deal with it, but do you know anything about or have you tried Bikram yoga? If I listened to the nasty things folks say about it, I wouldn't be as stable (ha) as I am today.

This form of yoga heals my anxiety. I have to go regularly, like every other day, but it ELIMINATES the ptsd and I can once again make choices about how I respond to situations. it's amazing.

If you have any questions about it, please pm me as well. I'd love to see how it affects other folks with PTSD too. I've queried many of the women who take class where I do and they all have anxiety issues too. It's one of the reasons they go. When I leave, I"m like a super hero. Calm and serene.

Thanks for your concerns and posts!

Learn2Live

It's hard when we speak in cryptic language :O)
I'm not sure which way I may have sounded like I was insinuating--just glad you are on top of it. I don't know if I saw your original post you asked about so I must have missed that information about your plans.

Sounds like you know what you are doing and have help. That's great! I hope it goes well for you. Take care!

transformyself

Actually it's hard for me TO SPEAK in cryptic language! Ha! I'm so blunt, so brutally honest and such a potty mouth. This site is helpful in that it is helping me practice self editing prior to speaking/writing.

And i hope I don't sound like I don't need help or want help from you good people. I need all the help I can get..

bebemay

Transform-
I just wanted to throw this out there, just for you to have and think about. I also have an alcoholic father who sounds almost exactly like yours. My mother is a great mother, and nothing like my father who she left a few years ago. My boyfriend of six years is also a violent alcoholic, and I too have found myself having the exact same issues with my "temper" you and L2L described. I just recently realized where they come from. Anyways what I wanted to mention is that no matter how well you think you know your husband, there is no way to predict his behavior, whether or not he has drank for years and years without physically harming a soul. My dad was the kindest, gentlest person when he was sober, he wouldnt hurt a fly. When he drank, he sometimes yelled at us, but sometimes didnt, from as long ago as I can remember. When i was 17 he was drunk and angry, yelling nonsense at me and my younger brother when my mom was gone, and eventually smacked me in the face before pushing me down. I still remember how scared I was, and how angry he was. Im sure you realize that your AH and all alcoholics simply DO NOT have control of themselves when drinking, and I just wanted to.....put my story on the table, because I am sure my mother also felt the same way you do, that my dad would NEVER hurt one of us (I obviously wasnt really hurt, but it was very traumatizing). You clearly care alot about the welfare of your kids, and I hope things get better for you.

LaTeeDa

I have to chime in here, as well. Two things:

Once I realized what needed fixing in my life, I wanted it fixed RIGHT NOW. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. It takes a lot of time and a lot of digging. Please remember to have patience with yourself and don't get discouraged.

The second thing is the same as others have already mentioned. My AH was a sweet, gentle, loving, humble man for most of the 18 years we were married. Toward the end, as the alcoholism escalated, he got mean and abusive. Once, in a fit of rage, he threw our sweet dog into the wall hard enough to dent the sheet rock. I still feel guilty that I didn't act sooner. Just something to think about.

L

Mitsy

Was your dog killed? I would have picked up a shot gun & shot this SOB. Man, if nothing makes me any angrier about an abusive drunk abusing people, it's abusing animals. I don't know your AH but hate him as I see what you've said.

LaTeeDa

The dog wasn't hurt physically. The point of my post, in case you missed it, was that you may think you "know" someone, but alcoholism changes people over time. It was a wake-up call to me and I'm grateful that I took action before that rage was turned on me or the children.

It was not my intent to debate whether I should have shot my AH, nor to bring up a heated discussion about animal abuse.

L

Mitsy

I'm going to give you a lot more credit than I can give my ex-bf's ex-wife about the custody arrangement w/their daughter. She has basically allowed the daughter to be verbally/emotionally abused by this pathetic drunk of a man by not taking this situation to court. The last time she & I talked about the daughter (whom she knows I care about), she said that the daughter felt sorry for her Dad because he was alone and while she didn't want to be around him for the most part, that she felt sad for him & also wanted to see him. I can understand a 13 yr. old having those feelings, but I look at it this way, it's up to her Mom to be the adult here and tell her that if she goes back over there, he might be fine one day, two days even, but eventually, he will revert back to his drunken, angry ways and she'll be frightened once again.

I think part of it is that she's afraid to take him to court and she partly doesn't want to spend the $ necessary to get this done. Several people who know her & are friends w/her feel she has not made her daughter the top priority here & that's my feeling as well. She has made a lot of threats against him and followed through with none of them other than picking the kid up when things got VERY bad. Then she lets him talk her into letting her go back over there in a few days. She has let her own wimpiness get in the way of doing what she needs to do. I don't think for a moment that you are like her at all. I'm just sharing this so you'll know a bit more about the "drama" in this poor 13 yr. old's life.

P.S. I even mentioned to her that someone from her school (counselor or teacher perhaps) could call Family Services about this toxic living situation for the kid (hoping that would scare her into getting a backbone). Her response was that she hoped someone would call (as in another way of letting someone else do the work to remedy the situation) but I told her that they would come back on HER (not just Robert) as to why she let this continue. So far, to my knowledge, the kid still goes over there 3 days a week. She used to call me when things got bad & she told me she was picking her up. However, there is no point in calling me & telling me these things if she doesn't plan on acting on her threats. It just enables him more.

Mitsy

No, but for some strange reason "animal abuse" gets me a bit riled up as it does a good million people or so....and the "should be shot" line is my opinion about this man which you shared about....not literally speaking...but that's my opinion about a drunk who does this.

If you share it, it will be addressed...by anyone who cares to share their own opinion.

transformyself

Oh Boy
I"m going to have to keep this in mind here
because of the nature of the internet.

I can't, or at least don't often, fully report on any situation that I share. Meaning, is obviously a history with any situaiton and can't possibly be fully detailed.

In real life, our friends and family know us. They know every detail of my path to this moment and when I say, "the kids are with their dad," they dont' have to worry or second guess me.

I think I'm understanding what's going on here.

folks here don't have that advantage. They have to go on purely what's written in the little boxes.

GiveLove

That is quite true, transform. It's what makes our (moderators) jobs so interesting here as well

We only know what we read in the little boxes. That's a great way to put it.

And in the little boxes, there are several subjects guaranteed to get a passionate response from people: When children are being injured, when animals are being injured, and when a poster is being injured. Feelings also spike when someone is obviously choosing to stay in denial and stay in a damaging situation for a long time. SR members are generally very compassionate people who want to help. They start trying different doors (logic, anger, shame, etc.) to get people to see things in a different way.

As you point out, it's the nature of the internet. And it's STILL a beautiful place to be here, regardless.

transformyself

Yes, I"m sorry to have left that obvious and essential element out. Please let me add that I've found great support and validation here. This is a beautiful place. And I've given you a bit of work, haven't I, as I try to sort this stuff out...

tjp613

Transform -- I'm sure you're thinking that it's all moot soon anyway, as it will take him about a New York Minute to blow his end of the deal and then the kids never have to go back! Consequences: It's the name of the game.

I know this is a very, very stressful time for you. Yoga is incredible, isn't it?? I've never tried bikram but I sure hear raves about it! So it does 'things' for you that 'regular' yoga doesn't do? Hmmm... do you attribute it to sweating out toxins or what?

Mitsy

That's for certain. And this is all volatile situations we're talking about here. Certain topics are going to trigger anger about a situation (not the poster but the situation). I'm a HUGE animal advocate (perhaps even more so than adult people to a degree). A woman/man has the option to leave..an animal does not, a child does not. I can't apologize for being an advocate for those who are unable to speak or those who are too young to make decisions.

And this kind of goes back to the healthy anger I've mentioned. You MUST keep an element of anger against the drunk - otherwise, they will continue to play their manipulative games & "get" to you. That anger is what has kept me from feeling sorry for Robert. It's kept me from going back to a very bad relationship. I encourage those dealing with this to embrace what helps them to move on from dysfunctional & toxic living situations. Drunks will continue to abuse any and everyone around them. They MUST NOT be allowed to continue that abuse.

GiveLove

We all learn in different ways, at different paces, and traveling different paths along the way. There's room for all of that here. Don't worry - just do your best and enjoy the support you can find here

transformyself

MITSY
Oh. Well, I also have PTSD and can't allow myself to indulge in an angry lifestyle, so it's a fine line to walk. I consider myself a recovering rage-aholic. We even did a segment on my radio show, a spoof where we sent me to rage-aholics anonymous.

However, I do understand needing to stay in reality with regard to the seriousness of the situation with my AH. A bulk of my sickness is allowing his sickness to trigger abandonment and self esteem issues, which in turn make me craaaaa-zy and cause me to stay in abusive situations. And allow my children to be in abusive, or neglectful or at the very least unhealthy situations.

I"M at my best, my very best, when I am detached and peaceful. It's beautiful. It's what I've been looking for. The only thing that allows me to be in this state is Bikram.

tjp
In so many ways this time is way less stressful than the last several years because we're seperated and I am not living with his passive aggressive madness and drunk rages and intense bonding after that mimics but doesnt' come close to actual intimacy.

I've never done yoga and some folks tell me this isn't "real" yoga, but I don't care. Yes, you sweat so much it soaks the towel you lay on your mat. Nasty stuff too. But for me it's very spiritual. I just look right in that mirror at myself, at my imperfect body and say, "thank you for coming. Look how strong you are" even when I want to die. I learn I can do very difficult things.

If you go to my website, which I just listed on my profile, you'll see an entry about going to yoga and how it helps me. I haven't gone since Monday and am getting pretty anxious. I will go today and tomorrow before my kids come home, then I'll be a super hero!

transformyself

tjp here is the blog entry. I better check it for swears...