ToughChoices

Life without my alcoholic ex-husband is revealing to me the dysfunction of that relationship. Sometimes it shocks me. Here are some of the things I learned from (or at least expanded my pre-existing knowledge of) by living with an emotionally unstable, pensive, distant, alcoholic partner:

1.) My job is to smooth things over, to make things easy.

2.) I should always do my best to avoid making a fuss.

3.) It is selfish to make requests of your partner.

Today, in the aftermath of those years with my XAH, I sometimes still catch myself wondering if someone can love me if I am "difficult". Occasionally I still have fear that my needs (even the perfectly valid ones) will drive my partner away - that he will be unwilling to love me if that love requires something of him. I sometimes find myself preemptively accommodating my partner, so as to avoid causing him any difficulty.

I am realizing that this accommodation does not come from a selfless, giving spirit. It comes from a place of fear and self-doubt.

And, in those times (today is one of those times), I have to take a deep breath, journal out my thoughts, and spend a moment remembering that, no matter what, my HP loves me JUST AS I AM.

That I am human - nothing more, nothing less.
That I am imbued with an intrinsic worth that no human being confers.
That I need not be perfect to be worthwhile.
That I don't have to do all the work.
That it is healthy and normal to receive love, as well as give it.

Thank you for listening. I am less afraid now.

-Mel

TakingCharge999

mystolenshoes

thank you for sharing. i hope one day i can fully feel these realizations as well.

ItsmeAlice

Wonderful post! And yes...my HP loves me JUST AS I AM.

That knowledge to me is like a warm blanket, reassuring and safe.

Alice

queenie88

this part really resonates with me...thanks for putting this so eloquently. right now i am hypersensitive about what needs are normal and healthy in a relationship, and what is just me being insecure and too "needy". i'm finding it really hard to work through all this mess!

Daisy30

TC thanks
For myself I will add to the list My HP also gives me just what I need

b/c I needed this post

I really never gave this one a thought before. But AH always would/will say to me "I have never asked anything of you" Now giving it a closer look, I always felt like I could not ask anything of him...wow

NYC_Chick

Thanks for this TC! I have been seeing someone for a couple of months now but still have the same fears you do. He's very patient with me and I'm somehow surprised by that. I was thinking today that it's kind of sad that when a relationship partner treats me well and with respect that I think it's odd or abnormal. I'm working on it. One step at a time, right?

TakingCharge999

I get you, NYC Chick, me too - yesterday I thanked my bf for visiting me eventhough I am ill and he said "what? especially as you are ill, I wanted to know how you were doing"

I think the further along the road we go, the past will be less sad and more hilarious.. as in "WTF was I thinking "

It is like learning a new language altogether but we are together in this

Jadmack25

Sorry you weren't well yesterday, TC and hope you are better or on the mend or by now.
Yup! Out comes a bit of the old thinking, but surprise, surprise, your BF gives you a totally NEW answer to the one expected. Just another way to be forced to look at how it has changed for you.

Isn't it WONDERFUL?
No more moaning because you aren't catering for old abf. Now you and your wellbeing matter to BF and he shows he cares.

Enjoy the new experience, savour it and tell yourself "this is how it should be, and IT IS.

God bless

nowinsituation

Today, in the aftermath of those years with my XAH, I sometimes still catch myself wondering if someone can love me if I am "difficult". Occasionally I still have fear that my needs (even the perfectly valid ones) will drive my partner away - that he will be unwilling to love me if that love requires something of him. I sometimes find myself preemptively accommodating my partner, so as to avoid causing him any difficulty.

I see so much of myself in the above... Thanks TC! I am doing this again in my current relationship; automatically but no longer subconsciously. I guess that's progress...?

That I am human - nothing more, nothing less.
That I am imbued with an intrinsic worth that no human being confers.
That I need not be perfect to be worthwhile.
That I don't have to do all the work.
That it is healthy and normal to receive love, as well as give it.

and....

That I will be true to myself... because if I put myself second to the relationship both will suffer; and if the relationship dies it was not meant to be in the first place; and that I will be OK no matter what happens.

LaTeeDa

I am four years separated from my AH and two plus years with someone else, and I still catch myself behaving this way sometimes.

Fear of abandonment is huge. When he wants to see me and I want to be by myself, I get a big ole knot in my stomach. But, so far, he hasn't dumped me just because I need space once in awhile.

It's a much bigger deal to me than it is to him it seems....

Self-imposed anxiety is the worst kind.

L

queenie88

YES!! i'm trying to work on being whole and fulfilled without a relationship/man. it's tough. i always thought that's where my strength would lie...slowly i'm learning i can only rely on myself, after a devastating breakup with xabf, after i gave up WAY too much than i should have. one day at a time.

Mitsy

I sometimes find it hard to know what "normal" is as well. And dysfunction can happen in relationships where no substance addiction is involved. I dated a guy for most of 15 years. He was my first real boyfriend and I was brought up to believe that you loved & planned to marry who you slept with. I regret that I did not have the gumption to end things sooner. He was extremely immature (I was too to begin with but grew up) and he was what I'd call socially ******** when it came to dealing with people. He refused to grow up--still lived in the family home even while we were engaged. A wedding date was never set. That turned out to be the silver lining in all this because if I had married him, I would have only been in for more heartache and likely had a child to raise & would be connected to him even if we divorced.

When my Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I decided I could not deal with this immature guy any longer. I ended things permanently with him and decided that all my energy had to be devoted to my own family & that I had no reserve for this twit of a guy. I did once love him but I grew up and he's STILL single, lives with his Mom and will likely never marry. I don't think he's even dated since our split many years ago. There was one thing that was the catalyst to change the way I thought about things with or without a man in my life. It was that "ya know, I could probably manage to be just as miserable ON MY OWN" without anyone beating me down or arguing with me. I have had to use that same line of thinking with Robert as the minuses far outweighed the pluses with him. I just didn't want to see them because I was so tired of going out and dating someone and then it falling apart. I was tired of trying to make things work. But, if only ONE person is working at it, (and clearly that is what happens with the non-drinking spouse), then it's destined for failure anyway.

I'm not real happy in my personal life right now, but I'm MUCH more content than I was when I was seeing a drunk who I never knew what kind of mood he'd be in from day to day. I must remember some of the bad with him so I won't find myself ever feeling sorry for him again. After so long, your sympathy runs out, and you start losing your own self-respect. I'm one who cares a lot about what others think (rightly or wrongly). I didn't want people to see me making the same foolish choice of forgiving & going back to him over and over. I had done it more times than I should have. I think if we want the men in our lives to be honest and for their word to mean something, then I think we also have to do the same when we say that we are not going to tolerate continued bad behavior from a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend. If we have a thread of hope within us, we must be able to walk away from toxic relationships no matter how difficult it might be. The alternative is simply not worth the risk in most cases.