rainbow123

I was reading some information my counselor gave me on abuse. It talks about "using sex". It made me think...

I never thought my ah "used sex" as a tool but now I'm not so sure. After his drunken episodes, regardless of what crazy stuff took place the night before, awful things....he'd always try to have sex the next day before even talking it over. He'd always say, "I just need to feel close to you." Even if he didn't have some drunken rage, the next day when he'd be clearly going through withdrawl (i prefer to use that word to hungover because the day after was the biggest hangover I'd ever witness, shakes, sweating, couldn't get up, etc)....and again, always say, "i just want to feel close to you."

even sober, after an arguement, before any resolution, he would make his advances. I grew to accept this as his token of love for me, a means to say he's sorry.

I'm thinking this is using sex to manipulate me and even more, make himself feel better for awful things because he certainly couldn't use his words like a normal person and say, "i was so awful to you and you don't deserve that, I'm so sorry...."

what do you guys think? is this using sex in the way I'm thinking?

Daisy30

I think you are on to something

My AH would get up and take care of the kids the next morning. Change the diapers make breakfast, maybe even clean up a little. Just like yours not a word said. I too thought this is his way of saying he is sorry.

rainbow123

hey daisy, mine never did that....i'd have prefered that treatment, LOL!!!!

Daisy30

It sounds nice, and for a long time I thought I deserved it, but really it got old once I figured out the cycle

rainbow123

I'm certain it does...kind of like "careful what you wish for..." I'll be the one to get up forever with the kids if it means the insanity is gone.

but from a far, it sounds nice, LOL

totfit

I never used sex as a tool intentionally, but I know that when withdrawing I was very stimulated. In addition I was craving "normalcy" and closeness. I know sometimes I did a lot of things because I felt sorry and wanted to make up, but a lot of it was actually, because I wanted to feel better and get back on track.
If I were using sex as a "tool" it was subconscious and not a plot. Usually, however all the behavior was selfish. It was selfish getting drunk, but it was also selfish when I tried to make up. I don't think it was about someone else feeling better as about me feeling better about myself.

GiveLove

It seems to be one of the many ways he treated you as an 'object' to stroke his selfishness, rainbow. You weren't a person with your own needs and desires and concerns; you were the thing he needed in order to feel alright again.

And I don't mean "sexual object." I went through this too. Where I became a non-person - I was just a concept to him:
person who listens to my rants
person who makes the household keep running
person who I can have sex "at" when I need it to feel okay
person who tells me everything's fine (when I whine about life)
etc.
I wasn't a complete human being. I existed solely to make his life okay, and whenever I dared step out of that role and follow my own needs as a person, all hell broke loose.

Glad you're out of there.

transformyself

Where we married to the same man?

I don't think much of this behavior from my AH is conscious, but that doesn't really matter. What matters is how it affects me.

This is not love. This is something else. I"m trying to figure out what.

Startled

Please note that sex makes the people closer. It could be one of those tricks to make influence on you. But I don't know what he has in mind and if he's doing it intentionally or not. It's likely ok if you really want it and you're not doing it because of just he wants and needs...
And there are several ways to feel close to somebody and sex definitely is not on top...

S.

brundle

Interesting!!! I'm on a very different side. My AH NEVER seems in the least bit sorry for anything he does. So there is no reason for any kind of 'make-up' sex or anything else. If there is sex it's just drunk sex. I'm just here to make HIM feel good. I hate having sex with him. I avoid it for as long as possible. It's been months. I can get what he is offering at any bar in any town at anytime and I don't have to take them home and listen to their crap in the morning! LOL! Can we say empty!!!

He will scream and carry on once in awhile about 'HIS sex life' or lack of one. Like if he isn't getting any he forgets that I'm not either. But it's really all about him. I use to feel guilty. I would offer him sex and he would turn me down. With my AH it's all about 'punishment'.

If my AH wasn't so mean he could take some lessons from the other husbands and use sex for it's closeness and intimacy that women so want. His spite has left no room for intimacy so he has no hold over me in this area.
I'm glad he's the way he his. At least I'm not left guessing...

Daisy30

Funny you say that, When I left I really wasn't sure I would be able to get up and care for the kids in the morning (silly, I know) But the moment I was gone and all of the responsibility was on me something just clicked.
I love getting hugs from my children in the morning, seeing their eyes open to a new day

I agree w/brundle that sex was always on his terms. There were times I needed closeness and was turned down. But my emotions are too closely tied to sex and I cannot seperate the two. So if my emotional needs weren't getting met, then I would refuse sex. I just can't have one w/o the other.

Taking5

A hangover IS mild alcohol withdrawal. What you are describing is more serious than this, it sounds more like acute withdrawal to me.

I don't have any better insights on the sex angle than what others have already offered.

kv816

Mine did the same thing, almost. I got to where I just could not to save my life stomach the taste of beer on his breath anymore. So I'd avoid kissing him, which ultimately ended any sexual desire as well. And then I'd hear if I'm not getting it from HIM then I MUST be getting it from someone. Or how he could go to the bar any time he wanted to and find someone who wasn't disgusted with him. I'd ALWAYS feel guilty then. Here I was avoiding the smell and taste, something that made me sick, yet somehow HE became the victim and the one who was being treated wrong.


DIDDO!! I think that was one of my biggest fears. I'd have it all planned out--find a house, buy stuff I knew I'd need (furniture and whatnot) but then when it actually came down to it all I could think was "OMG, Can I REALLY do this without him???"

But like you once I was finally gone it all came back to me and we're doing pretty good.

transformyself

I couldn't stand to sleep in the same room wth my AH when he'd drink because he fill the air with the stench of his breath. We stopped sleeping together and I insisted he get sober. So he had an affair and found a woman who drinks more than he does and "accepted him for who he is."

he ended up coming home and we're seperated again, but I feel sort of bad about him losing that alcoholic adultrous partner because she really is better suited for him than I am. I want someone spiritual, dedicated, loving, stable and that doesnt' need fixing...

kv816

I know hate is a strong word, but I absolutely without a doubt HATED hearing that.

Mitsy

In a way, it's just another manipulation. It's part of the game with alcoholism. They will treat you nicely and say things like they want to "feel close to you" in an effort to shelve the REAL problem which is their addiction. I never experienced this same scenario with Robert as I didn't live with him and usually left his house if he had gotten drunk, but if I had been married to him or lived w/him, I can only imagine that I might have gotten some of that same type of treatment after he knew I was angry about his drinking. He did other roller coaster type behaviors though...each time leading me to believe that things would be different or that he'd never "yell at me again" bull like he said several different times.

If they do nothing to get help for the addiction, the behaviors never change. They can try to "make up" with you using sex, being nice or whatever else they think they can get away with, but bottom line if they do not address their own problems and seek help for them, this is just another ploy to get back on your good side until the next drunken episode happens again.

Startingover2

Ewwww...my exah would want to have sex like some porn king when he was drunk but his parts weren't functioning well because of the alcohol and he would insist that we keep trying and trying. It was disgusting.

The next day he was never feeling well after his binge and all he wanted to do was curl up and sleep and be a recluse. He didn't care about anyones emotions but his own.

Thumper

Sex is a huge topic in my house. I do not want it. He needs it. None of what either of us do is healthy. Most of the time I hate both of us after. It is the only time I feel hatred for both of us. Sex is not about me or us, it is about what he wants, taking what he needs. Normal human beings do need to feel loved and close to someone but it is still something he is taking from me. It is not something shared. It is about what he can get from me, or not get, or take - not physically but by never letting up. I just do not matter as a person. That part of our lives is 100% dysfunctional.

brundle

I'm so glad this topic is on the table. For so long I wanted to know what others where going through but I wasn't sure if I should ask.

I also go through what kv816 and transformyself: I hate that smell of the beer and smoke. It makes me feel sick. I have no desire to be with him.

I can also feel for Thumper, I find myself empty and hating myself even more then him everytime I give into him. It might be my imagination; but I swear after each time lately (and it's been months between) he's really mean to me afterward. Like more verbally abusive or something.

He also has been talking about someone who "accepts him for who he is"... or some such crap. I'm guessing he's already found someone. I wish he would leave for her. I'm sure if she had to put up with him she would run screaming; but I wouldn't want him back... that's for sure!

Learn2Live

Thanks for this post Rainbow.

About this:

Quote:

"i just want to feel close to you."

I'm not a man but I remember reading a book or watching a documentary or something that indicated just this thing is the primary way for men to feel close to their partners. Men are not like us so much in that we get close to one another by talking and in other ways. Apparently, from what these researchers were saying, men are much more physical.

So I wouldn't jump to conclusions about something that may just be a "man" thing.