Sophia57

Hey everyone
its been months since I've been on this site. I told my RAH in January I was leaving him and lived through a six month nightmare of horrible daily and nightly verbal and emontional abuse, having to leave the house every weekend to get away from him, but unable to leave completely as its my house and it would prejudice the court case...I'm in Ireland and family law here is antiquated.
He finalyy left suddenly on the advice of his lawyer because they were informed I was filing for a safety order.
He's gone 3 months now, there's been no contact apart from some hang up calls. It will be next year before we get a court date and I will have to make a big settlemnt on him. I work full time but I'm struggling desperatly to keep my head above water financially. He told me he would cripple me with bills, like phone and credit card, before he left, and he did, he also ran my car into the ground and I had to take out a loan to repair it.
Anyway, none of this can be recouped. it will be taken into account when we get to court though.
In the meantime I'm trying to get through all the feelings i could not allow myself to feel during that six months when I had to stay strong and focussed. I get overwhelming bouts of sadness and loneliness. I'm slowly trying to pick up with old friends, he was very very controlling and I had no idea how isolated i'd become. it was just me and him all the time.
I was lonely in my marriage, which only lasted 5 years, the relationship itself 10, and I'm a different sort of lonely now. Dont get me wrong, I've done the right thing, but its taken a huge toll and i'm so emotionally fragile.

I'm seeing a counsellor whi is great. I cant face Alanon or any group situation, too much input..i suppose i'm just writing all this because I need some support from people who've been where I am
Thanks

Pelican

Thanks for the update on you Sophia.

Please come back and visit as often as you need support. We're here and we understand the chaos.

Thanks for the positives in your post. Keep taking care of yourself. You're worth it!

bookwyrm

(((sophia)))

I understand the feelings of isolation. I was with my STBXAH for 18 years all in and, just like your AH, he was very controlling to the point where I had no friends of my own when he finally (again after months of verbal and emotional abuse) left. Its been over a year now and I can tell you that life can get better. Our house is sold and I'm moving into my own place at the end of the month and I can't wait! The divorce will be final soon too (here in Scotland I can get a DIY divorce).

I've worked through the feelings of inadequacy, the pain, anger and self loathing that came after the breakup. I too have been seeing a counsellor who has helped me in so many ways.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You will get there. You sound so strong in your post!

Techie1701

I'm really glad you are back in your own house again, it's nice to 'see' you again, good luck with everything.

HAve you ever been to an al-anon meeting? I went to one in Dublin twice, about 6 years ago, but I need to go back...

JenT1968

Thank you for your post Sophia, I have on and off wondered what was happening with you as it seemed such a horrible situation, and one that I was forecasting fr myself (although thankfully it never deteriorated to the depths that yours did).

I am very glad that he isn't there abusing you every day, that you don't have to leave your home to get some peace. I'm sorry your financial situation has been made so much worse by him though.

I found counselling wonderful I hope you do too, hugs and keep coming here if you can't face alanon/groups at the moment.

Sophia57

Thanks so much everyone, its lovely to see the replies and the welcome, especially as today was one of those days where I as just sunk in the sadness of it all and couldnt stop crying (when not keeping up a face for work)
Hey Bookwyrm, so good to hear how well you've come through it. You won't know yourself when you have your new home, all yours to do with and be in as you please.
At the moment i do seem to be struggling with the grief end of it, not that I want him back ever, but its the loss of all those hopes and dreams, i suppose, and the feeling of having wasteed 10 years. I'm 51 now, and I want to feel whole again, not empty and worthless.
I want to reach a point where I have something to give again, and learn that its ok to expect to be treated with respect, something I have never asked for or expected, and thats not right. My counsellor will help with that, but its going to take so long, sometimes days like today seem endless.
I definitely could not face sharing in a group situation, I'm too raw and fragile, so Alanon will have to wait till I'm stronger. Right now I'm just putting one foot in front of another.
Thanks for the support, this forum has always been wonderful to me
S
xx
PS Bookwyrm, are you a big reader as your name suggests? If so, me too..its got me through many a hard night

bookwyrm

Hi Sophia,

Oh yes, I read lots and have done since I was a child. Mainly science fiction, fantasy, some classics and crime but I've just joined a book club so will be reading lots of different things for me. I love to read but I'm reconsidering it right now - its not so good having to pack all these books!

Even though I've been living alone for a year, I still get bouts of grief. Like you, it's not that I want him back, it's the loss of the dreams of growing old together. I'm fast approaching 40 and sometimes it feels like my life is over. What else is there? Thankfully, these feelings go and the periods between bouts are growing longer. Maybe we will both get to a point where we can look back and wonder what all the fuss was about? Here's hoping...

I'm really excited about having my own place too!

TakingCharge999

Hi Sophia!
I do remember you very well. I am glad you checked in and are moving forward!

It is not the destiny but the journey, and 51 is young. I read about a woman that married at 84! I always remember her when I feel old, joy can be had at any age! I even saw a picture of her and she looked so happy and full of life.

At 27 I used to feel 200 years old, as if "this was it" but life keeps getting better when we are on this road. There are unexpected surprises, so many books to read, friends to make, music to listen.. all that that exists besides addiction and fullfils our soul.

In Alanon you are not forced to share anything, I used to go to AA as its closer to my home and I just needed to know I was not the only one living one day at a time... I just showed up and cried for many sessions!! no questions... so if you can go to one... I think the worse feeling with all this is the DAMN LONELINESS but there you can know there are others in your shoes who found joy and are walking right next to you striving to overcome struggles.

I love books too, what is your favorite genre???

TakingCharge999

And yes I too am looking for a new home so it makes 3 of us

Initially I thought "what a drag" but now I am excited thinking of the decorations and colors plants and flowers... as they say around here

The only eggshells are the ones after preparing hot cakes.

And the only doormat is a fluffy red one, not Yours truly anymore LOL

ItsmeAlice

The lonliness is a hard pill to swallow for sure. I've been separated from my XABF for a month and a half now and those feelings just wash over you..it's overwhelming. I get physically drained when it happens. Sometimes, I have to stop what I'm doing (thankfully I work at home on a flexible schedule) and take a nap to get by it. Like I need to reboot my brain. I usually feel better when I wake up.

Worse yet is the feeling that I just want to be left alone on top of being lonely. How contradictory is that?

My friend who's lent out her basement to me, will call down to see if I want to go somewhere with her or to come down to get something out of storage, and I find myself wanting to tell her to go away. I don't mean it, she's my friend and I adore her, I just don't seem to have the energy to interact sometimes. It's like my joy to be around others just comes and goes.

I'm rambling on, I'm sorry. I just wanted you to know I think I understand where you are coming from. There is so much potential in your post, though. You are moving forward even if it is very slowly in baby steps. It's this space between separation and truly being free that you are caught in. It will pass. Have faith.

Welcome back!!!

Alice

GiveLove

Sophia, I don't know how I missed this post, because I am one of your biggest fans and had been hoping to hear good news from you.

I too went through an intense grieving period. I cannot count the tears that were shed, the nights of just complete despair that I could ever put together a happy life again.

The way my counselor put it was that I had all of these little neural pathways in my head that led to him. I had (when I got involved with him) attached a lot of things to him. My safety and security. My companionship. My happiness. My future. At the end of all of these, there he was. But then one day I had sheared them all off, saving my life by getting him out of it. So there are all these unanchored feelings and hopes and dreams and thoughts, flapping around there. And it felt horribly insecure, disconnected, and sad.

I felt as though "he" had left the prison, but I was still there.

The task I had was to find a new thing to which to connect each of those pathways. I had to attach my joy to new things (work I loved, people I respected), my safety to other things (good locks on my doors, a strong vehicle and alternatives for getting around), etc. It was slow, painstaking work, but it put me back together.

I wish there were a quick way to help you past these days and back into the bright light of joy, but the truth is it's a series of small, heart-focused decisions that you make day by day. I'm so glad you're seeing a counselor - those kinds of people, more than anything else, can help us to sew ourselves back together better, stronger than we were before all of this happened.

And as for being 51: I know SO many people whose lives just IGNITED in their 50's, when they finally found their strength, their passion, and what they did/didn't want to tolerate in life. It can be a truly brilliant part of your life, especially now that you're not under the yoke of abuse.

So glad you're out here with us!