Update, scared to death
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 45
Update, scared to death
Hello all,
I wanted to update you on a couple of things.
Just wanted to mention something with asking him to pick up the kids at daycare. My AH never drinks and drives with the kids. Typically, he only drinks in the evening and continues until he either passes out or goes to bed. One thing I can say about him is he isn't stupid enough at this point to make the poor choice of drinking and driving with them. I would NEVER allow that. My kids mean everything to me.
I went and met with my counselor last night. We talked for a while. I admitted some things to him that I hadn't admitted before. My AH has flat out said the sex between us has no emotion evolved. That wither he have sex with me or someone else it would be the same. He only chooses to have sex with me though because we are married. Pretty sick, huh?
Well, I didn't realize how sick it really was until today.
So on to what decision I came to.
I am making an appointment with the lawyer to discuss my legal rights. Once I have that understand and have myself and kids protected legally.
Once I've have a handle on the legal aspect I am going to give him a note stating I want to separate for the following reasons:
1. He puts Alcohol before his family
2. I am an object to him. Sex is only body not soul and spirit.
3. He puts his hobbies and his needs before me and the kids.
4. .....
I am still working on this list.
I told my counselor that living with him at this point is very awkward. He said I understand and agree. You need to complete these steps as soon as possible.
So. That is where I am at. I am still scared to death, but I know it is what I need to do.
I wanted to update you on a couple of things.
Just wanted to mention something with asking him to pick up the kids at daycare. My AH never drinks and drives with the kids. Typically, he only drinks in the evening and continues until he either passes out or goes to bed. One thing I can say about him is he isn't stupid enough at this point to make the poor choice of drinking and driving with them. I would NEVER allow that. My kids mean everything to me.
I went and met with my counselor last night. We talked for a while. I admitted some things to him that I hadn't admitted before. My AH has flat out said the sex between us has no emotion evolved. That wither he have sex with me or someone else it would be the same. He only chooses to have sex with me though because we are married. Pretty sick, huh?
Well, I didn't realize how sick it really was until today.
So on to what decision I came to.
I am making an appointment with the lawyer to discuss my legal rights. Once I have that understand and have myself and kids protected legally.
Once I've have a handle on the legal aspect I am going to give him a note stating I want to separate for the following reasons:
1. He puts Alcohol before his family
2. I am an object to him. Sex is only body not soul and spirit.
3. He puts his hobbies and his needs before me and the kids.
4. .....
I am still working on this list.
I told my counselor that living with him at this point is very awkward. He said I understand and agree. You need to complete these steps as soon as possible.
So. That is where I am at. I am still scared to death, but I know it is what I need to do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Your resolve is inspiring.
I'm sorry to be such a stuck record, but the definition of addiction is that the addict has LOST CONTROL of his drinking or drug use, which means he cannot consistently predict or choose when he will drink, where he will drink, around whom he will drink, nor how much he will drink.
So sweetie, even with a separation, you will have to address the issue of the AH driving intoxicated with the children in the car. Please get some legal counsel on this while you are gathering information.
All the best to you in your reclaiming your life,
Bluejay
I'm sorry to be such a stuck record, but the definition of addiction is that the addict has LOST CONTROL of his drinking or drug use, which means he cannot consistently predict or choose when he will drink, where he will drink, around whom he will drink, nor how much he will drink.
So sweetie, even with a separation, you will have to address the issue of the AH driving intoxicated with the children in the car. Please get some legal counsel on this while you are gathering information.
All the best to you in your reclaiming your life,
Bluejay
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hi CAAW,
I can't figure myself out so don't have any worthy advice. I do understand how scary it all is and I just wanted to let you know that I really admire how you are handling this. You are showing a lot of strength even if you aren't feeling it!
I can't figure myself out so don't have any worthy advice. I do understand how scary it all is and I just wanted to let you know that I really admire how you are handling this. You are showing a lot of strength even if you aren't feeling it!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi CAAW,
Sounds to me like you are doing well in your recovery. Good to hear. I know exactly what you are talking about with the continuous FEAR. Please remember, fear is elevated stress and if you are fearful all the time, you are really stressing your body out. Please make sure you are doing something to directly address the stress. You may not be able to "cure" the fear right now, but you CAN reduce the effects of the stress on your body. You can Google "Stress Reduction" and get some tips that don't take a lot of energy or time.
Regarding the following:
I would like to point out to you that I believe this list is really for YOU. Not him.
Also, if you feel the need to share it with him, it may be healthier for both of you if you share it in similar terms as Boundary-Setting rather than Blame. (The list appears to me to blame him for everything, including your now leaving him and taking the children with you). I'm not sure how I would re-word these things to be less blaming but perhaps the counselor could help with that?
Just my opinion. Hope it's not offensive. Take care.
Sounds to me like you are doing well in your recovery. Good to hear. I know exactly what you are talking about with the continuous FEAR. Please remember, fear is elevated stress and if you are fearful all the time, you are really stressing your body out. Please make sure you are doing something to directly address the stress. You may not be able to "cure" the fear right now, but you CAN reduce the effects of the stress on your body. You can Google "Stress Reduction" and get some tips that don't take a lot of energy or time.
Regarding the following:
Once I've have a handle on the legal aspect I am going to give him a note stating I want to separate for the following reasons:
1. He puts Alcohol before his family
2. I am an object to him. Sex is only body not soul and spirit.
3. He puts his hobbies and his needs before me and the kids.
4. .....
I am still working on this list.
1. He puts Alcohol before his family
2. I am an object to him. Sex is only body not soul and spirit.
3. He puts his hobbies and his needs before me and the kids.
4. .....
I am still working on this list.
Also, if you feel the need to share it with him, it may be healthier for both of you if you share it in similar terms as Boundary-Setting rather than Blame. (The list appears to me to blame him for everything, including your now leaving him and taking the children with you). I'm not sure how I would re-word these things to be less blaming but perhaps the counselor could help with that?
Just my opinion. Hope it's not offensive. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 64
I'm going through a similar situation and I too was very scared. The worst part was telling my AH nearly 2 weeks ago and dealing with the immediate very angry fallout and also telling my kids. Now that that part is behind me, I feel relieved and am starting to look forward to a future without him. The fear will pass. You're stronger than you think.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
One VERY important thing to realize, after the 3 C's, is DON"T TAKE THE BEHAVIORS PERSONALLY.
Of course sex is not interesting to him. Alcohol is the only truly interesting thing for him.
I met a recovering alcoholic that had lived in SE Asia and spent 10 years daily in "girly bars" and he said he not once was interested in anything other than drinking.
Alcohol is the centre of the universe to him. His ability to think normally has been perverted by addiction.
Sorry,
A big hug
Of course sex is not interesting to him. Alcohol is the only truly interesting thing for him.
I met a recovering alcoholic that had lived in SE Asia and spent 10 years daily in "girly bars" and he said he not once was interested in anything other than drinking.
Alcohol is the centre of the universe to him. His ability to think normally has been perverted by addiction.
Sorry,
A big hug
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
It's so sad to me that a person even realizes this about his own quality of life and still has no motivation to do anything about it. I think I better start working on feeling bad or sorry for other people... Sheesh, this recovery thing never stops!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
(((((((((((((((((((((((CAAW))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))
My AH would say that your AH isn't an A! Due to him not drinking until evening. That's my AH reasoning. They just can't think past that drink. Your really brave!!!
My AH would say that your AH isn't an A! Due to him not drinking until evening. That's my AH reasoning. They just can't think past that drink. Your really brave!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
It must have been a real eyeopener for you, to hear that sick comment and realise that in his totally screwed up mind you were just a body to him. The only love he wants, and only desire he feels is for his drink, so everyone and everything else is second (if that) to that.
He is emotionally dead, to you and all else right now, and that may never change for the better, so where does that leave you and your children?
Going thru the motions in a unhappy and unfulfilled existence with him as it is.
Getting you and your kids into a happier environment as soon as you can.
It is clear that he isn't going to change in any way to make it all better, so Honey, it is up to the "sane" adult to take action. Sorry, but that means You.
Having your counsellor help and working out your list, is a good beginning to a new and much better life for you all, hard as it will be to do.
You are in my prayers for all you want and need to be given you.
God bless
He is emotionally dead, to you and all else right now, and that may never change for the better, so where does that leave you and your children?
Going thru the motions in a unhappy and unfulfilled existence with him as it is.
Getting you and your kids into a happier environment as soon as you can.
It is clear that he isn't going to change in any way to make it all better, so Honey, it is up to the "sane" adult to take action. Sorry, but that means You.
Having your counsellor help and working out your list, is a good beginning to a new and much better life for you all, hard as it will be to do.
You are in my prayers for all you want and need to be given you.
God bless
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