Denial
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Denial
So, how is it that someone can reach the age of 40 years old before realizing how messed up their life was/is? I have this vision of myself as smart, together, strong, independent….and I cling to that vision when I am not, and probably never have been, any of those things. Not really. I am frightened at how much denial one person can actually live in.
I need to accept some things I’ve refused to acknowledge or even look at. I was surrounded with all this alcohol consumption as a child that I viewed as normal – but I just don’t think it was anymore. I must begin to admit that perhaps I am a child of an alcoholic and that I can not use my childhood as a gauge for ‘normal’. I actually have a degree in Alcohol and Drug Abuse Studies. Huh – things still didn’t get through to me and I certainly didn’t put any of that expensive academic knowledge to use in my personal life. I drank like a fish between the ages of 16-27. It was destructive, excessive, and frequent. It was certainly alcohol abuse but for whatever reason it did not turn into alcoholism. I am eternally thankful for that but - it was during that time I met my AH. I feel kind of like a traitor now. He clearly has the real deal disease and it never went away and only progressed but jeez – the denial on my part! How can I trust anything I think or feel? For years and years I justified really unhealthy patterns and behaviors (both his and mine). If I didn’t justify them I just ignored them because I selfishly wanted what I wanted and just plowed ahead to get them. I became so unhealthy myself. I must really force myself to see that living with my AH exacerbated this to the point where I could not take it (or create the life my kids deserve which has really been the catalyst for all this) but I’ve been a mess all along. I can’t really lay the blame at his feet. I also must accept that with or without him, I have a lot of work to do in order to be the mother I want to be and create the healthy childhood my children deserve. It would be so easy for me to shove that ‘stuff’ in the ground and just move on but I must not allow that to happen. I wasn’t going to post this but I am. I’m putting it out there so I can make myself read it over again when I’m tempted to just take the easy way out and bury it all.
I need to accept some things I’ve refused to acknowledge or even look at. I was surrounded with all this alcohol consumption as a child that I viewed as normal – but I just don’t think it was anymore. I must begin to admit that perhaps I am a child of an alcoholic and that I can not use my childhood as a gauge for ‘normal’. I actually have a degree in Alcohol and Drug Abuse Studies. Huh – things still didn’t get through to me and I certainly didn’t put any of that expensive academic knowledge to use in my personal life. I drank like a fish between the ages of 16-27. It was destructive, excessive, and frequent. It was certainly alcohol abuse but for whatever reason it did not turn into alcoholism. I am eternally thankful for that but - it was during that time I met my AH. I feel kind of like a traitor now. He clearly has the real deal disease and it never went away and only progressed but jeez – the denial on my part! How can I trust anything I think or feel? For years and years I justified really unhealthy patterns and behaviors (both his and mine). If I didn’t justify them I just ignored them because I selfishly wanted what I wanted and just plowed ahead to get them. I became so unhealthy myself. I must really force myself to see that living with my AH exacerbated this to the point where I could not take it (or create the life my kids deserve which has really been the catalyst for all this) but I’ve been a mess all along. I can’t really lay the blame at his feet. I also must accept that with or without him, I have a lot of work to do in order to be the mother I want to be and create the healthy childhood my children deserve. It would be so easy for me to shove that ‘stuff’ in the ground and just move on but I must not allow that to happen. I wasn’t going to post this but I am. I’m putting it out there so I can make myself read it over again when I’m tempted to just take the easy way out and bury it all.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hey Thumper-
Breaking free of denial is such a difficult and painful thing to do. Imagine it's like a big banadge or a scab that has been covering a serious injury for years and now you've torn it off and so everything surrounding that newly exposed "reality" is sore and painful and you almost can't touch it because it just hurts so much!
And yet, I want to reassure you that you will really begin to see great changes in yourself now that you are done with denial! So it is a good thing you are doing - as lousy as it may feel right now! (((((hugs)))))
When I got into reality and out of denial I kinda started trashing everything about myself too -"How could I...I know better...I'm such an idiot...masochist...loser...etc etc!!" I had a really good therapist at the time and she was able to gently remind me that I didn;t need to see everything so black and white. And (heavens to murgatroid!) I actually have a lot of strengths and power and wisdom, and not every decision I ever made in my life was wrong!! Just the wrong ones!
So just go easy on yourself. Be kind in your mind and try saying "I love and approve of myself" every now and then. Because as I worked on the changes I wanted to make in myself I had to get very specific, it is too easy to just cast doubt and crap all over my entire life. I had to be rational and see that of course there was good as well as bad, and that allowed me to shorten my "to do" list to something realistic and manageable.
If you're breaking free of denial then break free of denial: you cannot deny all that's decent and good and wise and experienced about you!
peace,
b
Breaking free of denial is such a difficult and painful thing to do. Imagine it's like a big banadge or a scab that has been covering a serious injury for years and now you've torn it off and so everything surrounding that newly exposed "reality" is sore and painful and you almost can't touch it because it just hurts so much!
And yet, I want to reassure you that you will really begin to see great changes in yourself now that you are done with denial! So it is a good thing you are doing - as lousy as it may feel right now! (((((hugs)))))
When I got into reality and out of denial I kinda started trashing everything about myself too -"How could I...I know better...I'm such an idiot...masochist...loser...etc etc!!" I had a really good therapist at the time and she was able to gently remind me that I didn;t need to see everything so black and white. And (heavens to murgatroid!) I actually have a lot of strengths and power and wisdom, and not every decision I ever made in my life was wrong!! Just the wrong ones!
So just go easy on yourself. Be kind in your mind and try saying "I love and approve of myself" every now and then. Because as I worked on the changes I wanted to make in myself I had to get very specific, it is too easy to just cast doubt and crap all over my entire life. I had to be rational and see that of course there was good as well as bad, and that allowed me to shorten my "to do" list to something realistic and manageable.
If you're breaking free of denial then break free of denial: you cannot deny all that's decent and good and wise and experienced about you!
peace,
b
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Thumper...
You have done an amazing job at looking inward at yourself.
My hubby and I both come from families where the fathers were alcoholics.
My Dad eventually quit, my FIL did not, they divorced when my hubby was
in his teens.
So, both his and my idea of normal was a bit on the ACOA side.
When I became sober, I had to explore and deal with what I experienced in my childhood when my father was drinking, alot. How that affected my Mother, her parenting, and the entire family dynamics.
I felt alot of guilt for inflicting some of the emotional damage on my children that both my drinking Dad and codie Mom had inflicted on me...
I did and ACOA workbook that provided me with many lightbulb moments on why I acted and reacted the way I did. I have been able to change so many of my behaviors.
Good for you putting it out here, and for not burying it.Exposing it all to the light begins healing..
You have done an amazing job at looking inward at yourself.
My hubby and I both come from families where the fathers were alcoholics.
My Dad eventually quit, my FIL did not, they divorced when my hubby was
in his teens.
So, both his and my idea of normal was a bit on the ACOA side.
When I became sober, I had to explore and deal with what I experienced in my childhood when my father was drinking, alot. How that affected my Mother, her parenting, and the entire family dynamics.
I felt alot of guilt for inflicting some of the emotional damage on my children that both my drinking Dad and codie Mom had inflicted on me...
I did and ACOA workbook that provided me with many lightbulb moments on why I acted and reacted the way I did. I have been able to change so many of my behaviors.
Good for you putting it out here, and for not burying it.Exposing it all to the light begins healing..
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Sounds like you have had an epiphany; some great insight into where you have been. A similar thing happened to me me several times, yet I relapsed into my old behavior/ thought patterns because it was what I knew best and was ultimately comfortable with it. I would run from my problems expecting a fresh start would make everything better. For me it doesn't work like that. I need to keep it real by not shelving those insights. That means actively participating here, in AA, and doing some SMART workouts. You may want to look into alanon, aa and or the SMART website. Welcome and best of luck. Humbly on day 35 this time and keeping it real...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I did start alanon. I've only been to three meetings (they are once a week). I'm in a very different life place then the other members but maybe that is OK? It is a smallish group (about 6 people there usually). I find the group thing difficult but am going to hang in there.
Is this ACOA workbook something you do on your own or as part of a group or with a therapist or something? I'm also going to check out the SMART Website. Thanks, I've never heard of that.
Historically I can know things in my head but have a hard time changing my actual behavior so I'm aware of that in myself. I really need to have a plan for how I should do it, not just know how I shouldn't - ya know? If I don't have a plan I just do the same thing I've always done.
Is this ACOA workbook something you do on your own or as part of a group or with a therapist or something? I'm also going to check out the SMART Website. Thanks, I've never heard of that.
Historically I can know things in my head but have a hard time changing my actual behavior so I'm aware of that in myself. I really need to have a plan for how I should do it, not just know how I shouldn't - ya know? If I don't have a plan I just do the same thing I've always done.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
The workbook I did alone. I searched for information on ACOA's, read a book and did the workbook that accompanied it.
It also helped me understand my own alcoholism.
The book was the "Adult Children of Alcoholics" by Janet Geringer Woititz. She also wrote the workbook I did.
I also did alot of reading about co-dependency. I read all of Melodie Beatties books.
It also helped me understand my own alcoholism.
The book was the "Adult Children of Alcoholics" by Janet Geringer Woititz. She also wrote the workbook I did.
I also did alot of reading about co-dependency. I read all of Melodie Beatties books.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
How can I trust anything I think or feel?
I'm glad you've gotten to this point, Thumper. try not to look back on all that and beat yourself up about it. We've all acted, thought, and done things that we don't understand once we get older. I don't think you realizing you have been in Denial at age 40 is a bad thing. I think it's normal timing. You spent your 20s partying, right? That's normal. You got married and had children during your 30s, right? that's normal. Now, you're in your 40s and you're starting to self-reflect a little, I think that's great!
Keep your feet firmly planted in TODAY and keep focusing on your goals for the future. Don't look back baby! There's nothing left back there. Let go...breathe...move on.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hey Thumper,
Hugs. You are really moving quickly in my opinion. I have taken a LONNNGGG time to begin to find parallels between my family of origin and the situation I got myself into.
I didn't grow up in an alcoholic familiy, but one where I was told that I wasn't good enough. This continues today, but now I see it for what it is.
A therapist told me last winter that I shouldn't use my mother and father of benchmarks for what is "normal" or healthy. As I keep learning again and again, I have to do waht I feel is right for me, not them or anyone else.
Hugs
Hugs. You are really moving quickly in my opinion. I have taken a LONNNGGG time to begin to find parallels between my family of origin and the situation I got myself into.
I didn't grow up in an alcoholic familiy, but one where I was told that I wasn't good enough. This continues today, but now I see it for what it is.
A therapist told me last winter that I shouldn't use my mother and father of benchmarks for what is "normal" or healthy. As I keep learning again and again, I have to do waht I feel is right for me, not them or anyone else.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Don't worry because you nearly got to 40 before facing up to denial in your life. Heck, I didn't get it thru my head til over 60. Just as long as we face it and work on what we need to, and are determined not to return there again.
You are smart and strong, and more than on your way now.
God bless
You are smart and strong, and more than on your way now.
God bless
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