harleyd101

I have been reading here for close to a year....I have never posted, because I thought that my life would never parallel the anguish I read in these threads. I thought that somehow, my ABF was different. I thought that our situation was different. I suffered from terminal uniqueness. I thought I could handle this. I can't. I need to share. My guts are raw and bleeding, battered down to the point that I can't even look at myself in the mirror because I WILLINGLY kept going back, again and again and again. Nine years of going back. Nine years of my life, gone. Nine years of living in denial, making excuses, justifying, and loosing (no, giving away) my self-esteem. I am a shell of the woman I used to be.

I've been sober for four years, and I thought that.....not sure what I thought. We started out partying together, I got sober, he got sober, and I stayed, he didn't. He's been in and out of the program and 4 rehab centers since. I love the fellowship. I live the program. I didn't think I enabled, because everytime he picks up, I have nothing to do with him. When he comes back battered and broken, I am his soft spot to land. I get his bills in order, clean up his house, and tell him I love him. I am an enabler. I have no desire to go to Alanon (although I read the books) because it would take away from my time going to my meetings, and that's one more thing I would sacrifice for him. I don't want to give him one more minute of my life, one more thought, one more tear. Yet I don't know how to do that. He's a cheat. He's a liar. He's everything I was when I drank.

I don't know how to stop hating myself because I haven't been able to walk away. I consider myself to be weak, and yet I excell at anything I put my mind too (I have 7 weeks left of nursing school). I think I should able to stop loving this *******, yet I can't. I pray and pray and pray, and the worst of it is that all the going back makes me hate myself even more. It's always a disaster. He stops for a month, I get hope, then one day he starts drinking, gets on the Harley and does God only knows what. Then when he comes back around (could be a day, a week, a month later) I get the call and help to detox him. It's a viscious cycle. He lives 3 houses down from me. I have blocked his number, only to take the block off when I miss him. He always calls. I love his daughter, and I can't help her. Everything I've learned through years of therapy and AA and I'm stuck in the definition of insanity, sober. I'm a mess guys, sorry for rambling. This type of pain is one that seeps into the soul and is destroying me from the inside out. I don't know how anyone gets through this. I don't know how I have managed to not drink during the last four years. The tears are always just below the surface, and I won't let them fall, because I feel like that's giving him one more thing. I have cried a friggin lake over the last nine years. He was my first boyfriend in high school. It feels like I've loved him my whole life. How does one get beyond this?

MissFixit

Welcome!

Thank you for posting! I am so sorry that things in your life have brought you here, but you are among friends who will help.

I have attended al anon for 10 months and it really helps me to get a better perspective on life and how I relate to others, not just the exA. If you read the books, then there is probably something you find useful about the ideas there, right?

Miss

cmc

Welcome to SR, and congrats for your four years of sobriety. I would never want to encourage someone to stray from their AA meetings, because your sobriety must take first place; but will add that there are many who attend both AA and Al-Anon.

The only requirement to attend Al-Anon is to be affected by someone else's drinking.
Bit by bit and by doing exactly as you are right now by sharing your story, taking care of yourself and asking for help.
In my own recovery, instead of being powerless over "alcohol" as referred to in Step 1; I substitute the words 'people, places or things' and then place my focus on what I can control: my own thoughts, attitudes and actions.
I'm glad you decided to join us here in the Friends & Family forum.

harleyd101

Thank you both for the replys. I am just sitting here with this ache in my chest. It was a very bad weekend. He picked up on Saturday. His daughter is very upset and has a possible life-changing event happening tomorrow morning in Chicago. We were suposed to go. Don't know if he made it or not. I'm angry for his daughter, I hate seeing her cry.

I feel like I don't have control over my thoughts anymore. I hate thinking about him, yet I do. I want him out of my head, A.S.A.P. Does that make sense? I don't want to think about him, dream about him, or see him on this street. I really feel like a mess guys. I really just want to sleep and isolate. I know I can't. I'm hitting a meeting at 4:00. Thank you both again.

laurie6781

I am going to disagree with you on this. On my 3rd AA birthday my AA Sponsor STRONGLY SUGGESTED that I start attending Al-Anon and get an Al-Anon sponsor. I could not see how that would help me, I was like you.

Boy was I wrong.

Al-Anon gave me a 'different' perspective on the 12 steps. Al-Anon was about me, not my Alcoholic husband. Al-Anon gave me new insights into me. Taught me how to set boundaries, taught me how to be 'true' to me and very definitely ENHANCED my AA program.

You too can become a double winner. Trust me it won't take away from your AA program it will add to it.

I say this from my own personal experience. 28+ continuous years sober and clean and 25+ years in Al-Anon.

I know today, I would not be where I am had it not been for BOTH programs.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family harleyd!

We're glad you introduced yourself. I'm sorry that your hurting heart is what brings you to Family&Friends forum. (((((((cyberhug))))))))

I see you've met Laurie, she is one of our double winners. She is a recovering alcoholic and a recovering codependent. (She looks and sounds recovered, imho, but we never graduate, right) There are others here too. I'm one also. I'm a newbie, tho. I've been attending Alanon meetings since the beginning of 2009. I attend some AA meetings also.

Congratulations on your sobriety! I agree that your situation is toxic and your sobriety is endangered. Remember HALT? You're lonely when he is out of your life and tired from the emotional rollercoaster. Please take care of yourself! We care about you.

Try a few Alanon meetings and see what you think. In the meantime, a good place to start is with Melodie Beattie's bestseller: Codependent No More.

There is also a thread here about codependency, here's the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html

Also, here is a link for Step 1 with Alanon:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-step-one.html

Post and read as much as needed!

harleyd101

Thank you all. I will keep an open mind to Alanon. I will grab a book with a list of meetings. I have read most of Melody's books on co-dependency, and although I can understand them, I can't seem to act in a healthy way as far as this relationship goes. I think it's what's called "cognitive dissonence" or something like that. I can know one thing with my head, yet continue to act in a self-destructive way. I don't know, I'm just afraid right now, and fear is never a good place for me to be. My faith is not so strong right now also, and that plays a major part in the way I am feeling. Sometimes I feel like I don't have a choice, like I don't have the power to walk away. I know that he never will, and will just keep coming back as long as I let him. It's almost like everytime he comes back I think "yep, he really does love me", and it has nothing to do with love, and yet I get some sort of validation out of it. Wow, it's scary...I have a lot of growing to do!

MissFixit

Hey Harley,

I won't beat a dead horse on this, but I didn't want to go to al anon at all. In 2006 a friend suggested I go, and I thought, no. In 2007 I went to one meeting and thought I wasn't like those people. In 2008 I went bawling my eyes out to weekly meetings only because I had no idea what to do or who to turn to. My life had become a big ball of chaos, fear and stress. I have been attending since late fall 2008 and am thankful for finally opening my mind up to others who have walked in my shoes. There is a fellowship there that I imagine is like that of AA, but with codies.

Freedom1990

You can count me in on the double-winner too.

I threw 4 years of sobriety out the window while I was involved with a fellow AAer, and he relapsed after 2 years sober.

Was it worth it?

Not for a single moment.

He hooked up with another active alcoholic/addict, and they are still married 18 years later, and still active.

My recovery is so very precious to me, and that includes my recovery from codependency.

Until I was ready to get serious about addressing my codependency, I kept repeating the same insanity over and over, only with different men.

You don't have to live this way. There is hope, and there is help.

:ghug2 :ghug2

sclarke64448

Welcome to SR HarleyD. Please know you are among some great friends here. There are so many wonderful people who will reach out a hand and try to guide you safely through this difficult journey. We all know what you're going through with him as have been or are going through it ourselves. We're all on the same path but at different stages. Please, keep posting as much as you see fit. I only joined at the end of July and every couple of weeks or so I find out new things about xabf that sometimes put me back to square one. But I soon move forward again with the help of my friends here. Just by posting your developments, and knowing there are many of us out here that care about you, this hopefully will give you the strength and incentive to continue resisting this toxic element of your life. In a few weeks or months you'll be sharing your strength with newcomers to the site.

:ghug2

bluejay6

Harley,
I'm so sorry. It sounds as if you just cannot bear the thought of being without him. The thought of never being with him ever again. You love him, and this is too hard to imagine. So....you are able to let him go for a little bit....but you can't let go for real. And there he is, living three doors away. You longing for him.

The advice to try Al-Anon is always good, if you can find a meeting you really feel comfortable in.

Grief is a LONG process, a LONG experience, and if it is interrupted by attempts to revive what has been lost (a relationship...by going back again and again, only to have the grieving start all over again with the next break-up), then we do not get well.

You feel so beaten down and shredded, and this is in part because you continue to re-traumatize with each failed attempt to be with him.

My advice (and I know whereof I speak, for I too am staying away from an addict I love), is to stay away from him COMPLETELY and promise yourself that without a year of solid recovery on his part, you will have to let go COMPLETELY and forever.

But forever is not here yet. If you can stop the trauma, let go of forcing life on your terms and allow ONE YEAR APART and then see how you feel (you may then have decided you are done or you can give yourself a SECOND YEAR APART). I am, by the way, in my THIRD YEAR APART and feel my story is not yet finished. I am trusting God that where I am today is exactly where He wants me.

Wishing you peace, no more trauma,
Bluejay

harleyd101

Bluejay...Wow. You nailed it. Yep, I still love him, or some screwed-up version of what I think love is. I just got back from my AA meeting, and while there, I made a decision. I can't keep doing the same thing over and over again (expecting different results) so I am going to seek out an Alanon meeting. If you guys say it worked for you, then there must be something to it. My mind is open, and I am in so much pain that I am willing to go to any lengths to stop this destructive way of life. Being honest, I have repeated this pattern my whole life. The faces may have changed,but the same kind of man over and over. I'm broken, I'm beat, and I am in sooo much pain I want out of my skin. Thanks for the replies everyone. I feel very welcome and maybe like I've found a new place to get honest and see the truth in all of this.

Jadmack25

Oh Harley!! I cried at your last post, it was sad but full of determination to work on your recovery and become a stronger and healthier woman.

If only we were to hear those same words from our addicted partners, children or friends,
imagine the absolute joy. Unfortunately it don't happen very often, believe me.

All the best to you in your discovery voyage of the new you.

God bless

harleyd101

Thank you Jadmack25, and all of you here. I am going to my first Al-anon meeting this evening, and just making the decision makes me feel like I have hope again. I figured if a 12-step program could help me to not drink, then why wouldn't a 12-step program be able to help me with this? All of you here, and all of your replies, opened my mind to the possibility of getting help at those meetings, and I'm at such a desperate place right now, I am willing to try anything, because what I've been doing just doesn't work anymore. I guess it's kind of like trying to quit drinking...I didn't do anything about it until I was in enough pain, and wanted sobriety more than anything else. Every time I think I've hit the pain bottom, the trap door opens and I fall through, this time even lower. I've just had enough. I'm really trying to not let fear run my life. I ask my Higher Power every night to just give me the willingness to let him go and get on with my life. I'm like that cat, still hanging on with both paws, claws dug in deep, unwilling to accept life on life's terms. It is what it is, and it hasn't changed in 9 years. I'm really glad I finally opened up on here. I just feel like such a mess.

MissFixit

Harley,

So glad you are here!

Hugs

harleyd101

I'm really glad I'm here too!