Step Study ~ Step One

Old 08-25-2009, 07:28 AM
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Step Study ~ Step One

It seems that it’s a good time for us to begin a step study here in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics Forum. Much of the information I will post here comes from the book Paths to Recovery: Al Anon’s Steps, Traditions and Concepts.
Each step will have its own thread. That way people can continue to come in, read the information and share his or her experience, strength and hope as it pertains to that step. After some discussion, we'll "sticky" each step so that people can find them easily.

Each of us works the steps in our time, and in our own manner. Most often, step work is done by those who attend face-to-face meetings and have a sponsor. That doesn’t mean that you MUST, it’s just a suggestion. Please don’t feel as though you must rush thru these steps… it took me a few years in the program before I began, and I found myself stuck on at least one of the steps for a year or more. The questions and postings here will be an outline, a framework from which you can begin your journey. If nothing else, the questions will provoke some thought and self-reflection, and some great discussions and dialogue.

Others who have worked the steps before will find that they wish to do the steps again. I know many people who work one step per month every year – 12 steps for 12 months. The more you learn about yourself, the more you know, and the more you wish to learn!

This is the suggested opening that is read at most Al Anon meetings:

We welcome you to this Al-Anon Family Group Meeting, and hope you will find in this fellowship the help and friendship we have been privileged to enjoy.
We who live, or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can.

We, too, were lonely and frustrated but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for us to find contentment and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

We urge you to try our program. It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity. So much depends on our own attitudes, and as we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives.

The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas. Without such spiritual help living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.

The Al-Anon program is based on the suggested Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, which we try, little by little, one day at a time, to apply to our lives along with our slogans and the Serenity Prayer.

The loving interchange of help among members and daily reading of Al-Anon literature thus make us ready to receive the priceless gift of serenity.
Al-Anon is an anonymous fellowship. Everything that is said here, in the group meeting and member-to-member, must be held in confidence. Only in this way can we feel free to say what is on our minds and in our hearts,for this is how we help one another in Al-Anon. The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength and hope in order to solve their common problems. We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.

Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organization or institution; does not engage in any controversy, neither endorses or opposes any cause. There are no dues for membership. Al Anon is self-supporting through its own voluntary contributions.

Al Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.

Study of these steps is essential to progress in the Al Anon program. The principles they embody are universal, applicable to everyone, whatever his personal creed. In Al anon, we strive for an ever-deeper understanding of these steps, and pray for the wisdom to apply them to our lives.

Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

Step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over the care of God as we understood Him

Step 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Step 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

Step 6. Were entirely to have God remove all of these defects of character

Step 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings

Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make
amends to them all

Step 9. Made direct amends to such people where ever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

Step 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it

Step 11. Sought thru prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will
for us and the power to carry that out

Step 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
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Old 08-25-2009, 07:39 AM
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Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.

Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?

How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?

Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?

How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?

What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?

How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?

What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?

How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?

Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?

In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?

In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?

What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?

Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.

How do I know when my life is unmanageable?

How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?

Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?

Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?

How well do I take care of myself?

How do I feel when I am alone?

What is the difference between pity and love?

Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?

Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?

This is from the book How Al Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics., pp 47

Al Anon does not promise that every alcoholic will get sober, or that sobriety will solve our problems or fix our relationships. We may never have the family of our dreams or win the love of those who have no love to give. But our program does offer us hope, because it is all about change. By being honest and admitting that the power we tried to wield over alcoholism was never readily available to us, we let go of the illusion that kept us imprisoned in an endless cycle of repetitious, self-defeating behavior and inevitable disappointment.
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Old 08-25-2009, 09:12 AM
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Today I realize how painful this recovery can be for me. I'm just feeling undone and overwhelmed by my emotions. Thank you for posting Step 1. I need to do some concrete work, it helps.

I "say" that I know I'm powerless over other people's behavior...and yet I still try to control, in little secretive, manipulative ways that I think no one can see, until I'm called on it or until I recognize I'm doing it. Its horrifying to realize all the ways that I have and continue to try and change my husband, my parents, my children, even though I say I have started on the path to recovery. I'm so ashamed of myself.
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Old 08-25-2009, 09:36 AM
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Cowgirl, I shared that same kind of shame. Once I 'called myself out' on my clandestine efforts to control, I was my own worst enemy for a while. Step 1 did NOT sit well with this ACOA - I mean, come on, if I didn't control things and people and situations, wouldnt' life just fall on me like a pack of wolves? Wouldn't my life be a dangerous place?

But really, this is all about our growth as human beings. It doesn't make any sense to punish ourselves for not knowing better yesterday or the day before.

Once I let myself off the hook, then I also gave myself permission to learn and grow. And then some real healing could start.
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Old 08-25-2009, 09:52 AM
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I am powerless over my husband's thoughts, feelings and behavior. When I focus too much on trying to help him through those and fix those for him it takes away from me caring for "my own" thoughts, feelings and actions. And as a result I lose myself and lose direction.

I have heard many times in the alanon meetings to allow that person the dignity to deal with his/her own issues and grow from the pains and struggles they experience. While I may mean well by placing myself in the middle to aid him, I am really depriving him of learning to deal on his own.

Its not easy to change my old patterns, but definitely what I need to be working on today!

Thanks for the Step One study
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Old 08-25-2009, 12:33 PM
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This is fom Courage to Change ODAT II January 14

I learned in Al Anon that I’m bound to fail to make someone else stop drinking because I am powerless over alcoholism. Others in the fellowship had failed as well, yet they seemed almost happy to admit it. In time I understood: By letting go of this battle we were sure to lose, we became free.

Gradually I learned that nothing I did or did not do would convince my loved one to get sober. I understood intellectually, but it took time before I believed it in my heart. Frequent Al Anon meetings, phone calls, and reading of Al Anon literature were indispensable to this learning process.

Later, when my loved one chose sobriety, I found new ways to apply this principle of powerlessness. Although I was tempted to check up on the number of meetings attended and to protect the alcoholic from anything upsetting, I had accepted that nothing I could do would make or break another person’s sobriety. After a while, I saw that my fears had little to do with the alcoholic. Instead, they indicated that I needed to work my program.

Today’s Reminder:

When I am able to admit that I am powerless over alcohol, my life becomes more manageable. Today I will take the path to personal freedom and serenity that begins when I surrender.

“Our spiritual growth is unlimited and our reward endless if we try to bring this program into every phase of our daily lives.” – The Twelve Steps and Traditions
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Old 08-27-2009, 07:09 AM
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Step One is really about being powerless, not just powerless over alcohol but being powerless over persons, places and things. When I first studied the concept, I found it to be a bit depressing.... if I am powerless over just about everything, then what's the point? Why not just stay in bed all day?

My sponsor taught me that there is a huge difference between being powerless and being helpless. I can read, meditate, talk to a recovery friend and I can take an action. I've learned to let go of most expectations, to not try to control the outcomes and just do the next right thing.

I've been looking for a job for awhile now. It's frustrating for many reasons, and in the past I'd probably be in quite a funk about it. Using what I've learned in recovery, I can suit up and show up, have an interview, send a thank you note and be OK with whatever happens next. I can tweak my resume, I can go to some seminars etc. I might be powerless over whether or not I get a particular job, but I'm not helpless.
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Old 08-27-2009, 07:48 AM
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For me, letting go was a huge release. Even now, when I find myself getting anxious about something I have absolutely no control over, I remind myself to take a deep breath, step back and let it go. It hasn't been the easiest thing to master but admitting I'm powerless - but never helpless - has helped stopped the anxiety and worry. I hope that the more I practice this, the easier it will be!
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Old 08-27-2009, 08:00 AM
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Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Not yet, no. And lately my overwhelming feeling has been anger.

I've gone to every business in walking distance, and no one is hiring. There IS a counselor within walking distance, but with no job or insurance, I can't afford it. So when I contemplate my next move, what I need to do, it brings out this searing anger in me - he now has all three vehicles, and I have to walk to try and find a job.

I'm pretty much stuck on pi$$ed.
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Old 08-27-2009, 08:06 AM
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I've done these questions on a blog that I have going

How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
The two people that I have tried to change in my life are my brother and wife. When my brother was doing poorly in school, I would try to tell him what to do and to put him on a "plan" for his life. When he didn't listen to me, I became angry and frustrated as a result of that. I would then withhold information from him or not invite him to something in order to punish him. During that time, it seemed like he was getting worse, like to the point of dropping out of school. When I started to detach from him and set some boundaries with him, he started to turn. What the truth is though...he only turned because he wanted to. He did not turn because of what I did. That makes it even better because it increases the chance for success if he is the one that wants to get better.
I would try to change my wife in order for her not to leave me. Again, I still don't know if it was because of denial or what, but I don't feel like I was afraid of her drinking until the very end. I feel that I was very naive, but no so much in denial. I don't know. Anyways, I would withhold affection and attention from my wife when I knew that she needed it when I felt that she wasn't in to me that much. At least that's what I thought. We would get in a fight and either me or her would leave the house. In either situation, she would drink. We would eventually make up and everything would be great until I thought that she didn't care about me anymore. So the cycle would start again. I'm not sure if I see that as trying to change her, but that's how I acted with my wife for a long time. Basically ever since we have been married. The consequences of this is that it never got better. The cycle kept going and feeding itself. Every fight got bigger and every time the time spent apart post-fight got longer. Eventually, I would find more and more beer bottles around the house and other medication. So in a way, her disease got worse as well because of my attempt to control.
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Old 08-30-2009, 08:12 PM
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Old 08-30-2009, 09:13 PM
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One little trick I learned from my sponsor is to examine a step by reading it _backwards_, and see how each phrase applies in my life.

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable

What does "unmanageable" mean to me? It means that I cannot control and direct my life to reach the goals I have chosen.

How was my life unmanageable? I never knew what I would come home to after work. Would my wife be immersed in conversations with secret people on the computer? Would she be scheming to find a way to go meet them? Would she be vivacious and full of energy or depressed and half passed out? Would she have been fired?

All my time was wrapped up in dealing with the consequences of her behavior, and there was not time left for my own personal growth, or needs. I had no goals at all, other than to make it thru whatever chaos was coming up next.

That little phrase "had become" is very important to me. Prior to my ex-wife developing addiction to pain pills my life _was_ manageable. This phrase gave me hope. There was a cause and effect connection to the chaos in my life.

"Our lives" makes it clear to me that the problem has infected the entirety of my life. It's not just my thoughts, or emotions that needed help. It was _everything_.

"alcohol". I already knew that it was the chemicals that were at the center of her problems. What I didn't realize until I read this step is that _I_ was focusing on the chemicals. I thought that if only I could somehow get her to do what I knew was best for her then our lives would be fine. The truth is that I wasn't really focusing on her best interests, I was focusing on her chemical consumption. While she had become addicted to _taking_ the pills, I had become addicted to keeping them _away_ from her.

"powerless" This word connects right back to "unmanageable". Once I've worked backwards to this phrase in the step it's easy to see that I was having absolutely no effect on the things I _want_ to have an effect on. I was having no effect on managing my life, or on managing my wife's consumption of chemicals.

"admitted" I've heard this word defined as "to concede begrudgingly". I certainly would not have "conceded" that I was powerless over anything before I got to recovery. I was hanging on by my last thread to the hope that somehow, someway, I would be able to save my marriage. Admiting powerlessnes meant to me that I was giving up on my marriage. Having "worked the step" backwards, and looked at each phrase and how it applied to my life helped me realize that admitting to anything was not going to make any difference at all.

I was _already_ powerless over my life and the chemicals my wife was addicted to. Whether I "conceded" to it or not.

This is where I "cheat" in my recovery. I read ahead in the steps, and I look at all the people that show up at my meets. I see that the remainder of the steps deal with finding solutions for my powerlesness, and that a lot of people seem to have a truly wonderful life as a result of their program of recovery. So I decided to go ahead and see if maybe there was something helpful in all this.

Mike
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Old 08-30-2009, 11:24 PM
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Can I share what I've been trying to do lately, to not fall back into the habit of controlling other people? I find that asking them questions, rather than responding by telling them one thing or another, works wonders. Also, avoiding using the word "should."

Today a friend on the east coast was telling me about this girl he is dating. I got red flags from what he said all over the place. But instead of telling her he should stop seeing her, I stopped myself. I realized i can never know the whole picture, and that decision is up to him. So, instead, I asked him "how does her behavior make you feel? why do you think she is doing that? why does it bother you" - questions like that. And I avoided making a direct recommendation to him.

Instead, I said, "it seems to me" or "if I were in this situation" type comments.

I've realized lately that I do too much telling, and not enough listening and questioning! I'm working on this...
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Old 08-30-2009, 11:27 PM
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This is off-topic but I'm looking for a job, too. It's tough out there right now, isn't it? I got laid off 2 weeks ago.

Oddly enough, I don't feel depressed about it. I've actually felt pretty happy the last couple of weeks. A friend of mine suggested I try to get into modeling. I had a photog take some shots, set up a profile on a couple websites, and I've gotten inquiries about work! This is something I never thought I could do or should do, and it's become a whole new world of opportunity.

They say that when one door closes, another opens, but I think we're actually the ones that end up having to PUSH it open!

Originally Posted by CatsPajamas View Post
Step One is really about being powerless, not just powerless over alcohol but being powerless over persons, places and things. When I first studied the concept, I found it to be a bit depressing.... if I am powerless over just about everything, then what's the point? Why not just stay in bed all day?

My sponsor taught me that there is a huge difference between being powerless and being helpless. I can read, meditate, talk to a recovery friend and I can take an action. I've learned to let go of most expectations, to not try to control the outcomes and just do the next right thing.

I've been looking for a job for awhile now. It's frustrating for many reasons, and in the past I'd probably be in quite a funk about it. Using what I've learned in recovery, I can suit up and show up, have an interview, send a thank you note and be OK with whatever happens next. I can tweak my resume, I can go to some seminars etc. I might be powerless over whether or not I get a particular job, but I'm not helpless.
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Old 08-31-2009, 03:50 AM
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Thanks for this. I have decided to go back to the beginning and start over from Step 1 again, because somewhere along the line I have felt I am slipping back.
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Old 08-31-2009, 07:22 AM
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I think I'm always on Step 1 along with some other one. I always want to be working, and diligent, and moving forward in my recovery, but I swear there's a new opportunity every single day (and often more than one) that reminds me yet again that I am powerless over that person, that place, that thing, that situation.
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Old 08-31-2009, 01:40 PM
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DesertEyes/Mike, thank you for your post above. All I had to do was insert a few text changes and it laid out step one so nicely for me in a way I hadn't thought of before.

You write that you were "wrapped up in dealing with the consequences" of your wife's addiction; I was wrapped up in dealing with the consequences of his anger and his mental illness, trying to get him to change/stop screaming and yelling/find a doctor/find medication to control his illness/make friends/get a better job/BE NORMAL. And I was making myself angry and crazy and becoming somebody I hated. Somebody who was so angry every second of the day that I could barely even parent my children.

I hate having to acknowledge that my attempts to control were actually what was making me angry. HE wasn't doing it, he was just living his life. I was the one with the control over how I reacted to it and what I did was try to control everything about him, then blame him for my anger when he didn't change.

I am the cause of my anger. I am responsible for my own feelings. I need to forgive him and move on, forgive myself and move on, learn how not to control so that I don't ever need to be that needlessly angry again.
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Old 08-31-2009, 08:43 PM
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Ditto!!!!!

Originally Posted by Cowgirl1265 View Post
I am the cause of my anger. I am responsible for my own feelings. I need to forgive him and move on, forgive myself and move on, learn how not to control so that I don't ever need to be that needlessly angry again.
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Old 09-15-2009, 05:32 PM
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