Looking for the "smoking gun"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
Posts: 77
P.S About Done:
I just realized something more I could have added to my earlier response: That is, since I have a mother who has attempted to manipulate me for years with her "pity parties", my anger at my daughter has been even more intense. There is no cosmic justice in having a dysfunction mom who for years tried to suck the life-blood out of me, and then, just as I get HER squared away, find myself with a daughter who is attempting (and has succeeded) to do the same thing. Suck me dry!
But justice (whether cosmic or not) is blind. I need to pick my self up, dust my self off, and get on with the business of dealing with my daughter in a healthy way, for me.
And to think you were apologizing for going on and on about your mother. In fact, you helped me stumble on an essential piece of truth, that I've allowed myself to be tripped up by both my mother and my daughter.
The irony of all this, is that if I were myself dysfunctional, self-centered, if I were a "user" and not a "supplier", then I wouldn't have been so whip-sawed by these women, both the younger AND the older.
This is not to say I am not grateful for my good mental health. And I'm sure you feel the same way, yourself.
I just realized something more I could have added to my earlier response: That is, since I have a mother who has attempted to manipulate me for years with her "pity parties", my anger at my daughter has been even more intense. There is no cosmic justice in having a dysfunction mom who for years tried to suck the life-blood out of me, and then, just as I get HER squared away, find myself with a daughter who is attempting (and has succeeded) to do the same thing. Suck me dry!
But justice (whether cosmic or not) is blind. I need to pick my self up, dust my self off, and get on with the business of dealing with my daughter in a healthy way, for me.
And to think you were apologizing for going on and on about your mother. In fact, you helped me stumble on an essential piece of truth, that I've allowed myself to be tripped up by both my mother and my daughter.
The irony of all this, is that if I were myself dysfunctional, self-centered, if I were a "user" and not a "supplier", then I wouldn't have been so whip-sawed by these women, both the younger AND the older.
This is not to say I am not grateful for my good mental health. And I'm sure you feel the same way, yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
Posts: 77
Hello Learn 2 Live:
Thanks so much for taking the time to put together such a lengthy, thoughtful, instructive message to me. You must be a teacher, or have a teacher's instinct, to be able to convey such meaningful information in such a clear, step-by-step manner.
Some of what you've told me has literally been an epiphany. Other words you've given me have told me that my instincts are true, which is of near equal value.
Again, thank you for your compassion, and the generous amount of time you've lavished on me. Believe me, your message has resonated with me, and I'll go back to it time and time again for a refresher.
Electa
Thanks so much for taking the time to put together such a lengthy, thoughtful, instructive message to me. You must be a teacher, or have a teacher's instinct, to be able to convey such meaningful information in such a clear, step-by-step manner.
Some of what you've told me has literally been an epiphany. Other words you've given me have told me that my instincts are true, which is of near equal value.
Again, thank you for your compassion, and the generous amount of time you've lavished on me. Believe me, your message has resonated with me, and I'll go back to it time and time again for a refresher.
Electa
aboutdone
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
Electa,
Isn't it funny how we can look into our past, or into others lives, and see the dysfunction, and know just what we would do with it, but yet when it is so close to home, we fall.
An al anon friend of mine is a counselor at a treatment center in my hometown for over 15 years, and yet she still has spent over $100,000 trying to get her own daughter sober and clean.
She recently detached and disengaged from her. She said it took along time to realize what she had been telling everyone else to do, applies at home sometimes too.
Anyways, hang in there. I feel for you. 3 of my 4 children are fathered by alcoholics, and I am sure someday I will be in your shoes as well. Hopefully, I can take everything I know now, learn daily, and keep learning, and will be able to deal with it. You know?
As far as al-anon goes. It did and does help me. The books there are really useful, as if we the family of the addict can work our own 12 step program, we find serenity as well.
Isn't it funny how we can look into our past, or into others lives, and see the dysfunction, and know just what we would do with it, but yet when it is so close to home, we fall.
An al anon friend of mine is a counselor at a treatment center in my hometown for over 15 years, and yet she still has spent over $100,000 trying to get her own daughter sober and clean.
She recently detached and disengaged from her. She said it took along time to realize what she had been telling everyone else to do, applies at home sometimes too.
Anyways, hang in there. I feel for you. 3 of my 4 children are fathered by alcoholics, and I am sure someday I will be in your shoes as well. Hopefully, I can take everything I know now, learn daily, and keep learning, and will be able to deal with it. You know?
As far as al-anon goes. It did and does help me. The books there are really useful, as if we the family of the addict can work our own 12 step program, we find serenity as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
Posts: 77
Hello About Done:
Nice to hear from you. I've thought ahead about what will happen when (or if) our daughter wants to go into rehab. I concluded it would be a serious mistake to send her to some expensive place (no matter how good) on OUR dime. If she wants to get clean, it will have to be on HER dime.
There is a truism that that which is not purchased with one's own contributions (blood, sweat and tears, if not one's own money) is not valued. The more effort we put in to something, the more we personally sacrifice, the more likely it will be to do us good.
Our daughter's friend was sent to a fancy re-rehab (in Newport Beach California of all places). Naturally, she was off the wagon not too long after she'd left this rehab.
Where our daughter is right now, she'd see a "rehab" not unlike going to some fancy spa. She'd love the cachet of it, and would get very little out of it.
So we are not going there!
Electa
Nice to hear from you. I've thought ahead about what will happen when (or if) our daughter wants to go into rehab. I concluded it would be a serious mistake to send her to some expensive place (no matter how good) on OUR dime. If she wants to get clean, it will have to be on HER dime.
There is a truism that that which is not purchased with one's own contributions (blood, sweat and tears, if not one's own money) is not valued. The more effort we put in to something, the more we personally sacrifice, the more likely it will be to do us good.
Our daughter's friend was sent to a fancy re-rehab (in Newport Beach California of all places). Naturally, she was off the wagon not too long after she'd left this rehab.
Where our daughter is right now, she'd see a "rehab" not unlike going to some fancy spa. She'd love the cachet of it, and would get very little out of it.
So we are not going there!
Electa
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Electa, dadtrying………..
This is a great site with some pretty terrific people who I have learned so much from.
And one of the most important things I learned is:
NOTHING THAT ANYONE EVERY SAID TO ME CHANGED ME; WHAT I UNDERSTOOD DID…………………….
I believe that addiction/codependency are diseases of our thoughts. Learning what is normal-healthy love not the suffocating/controlling/fixing/doing/overly caring, stripping ourselves of self esteem kind of love is the best knowledge I ever UNDERSTOOD.
I grew up with love – codependent kind of love, I repeated what I knew. Now I know better and I do better.
Al-anon for me is like a group think tank and seeing others in person brings a kind of bond and mutual understanding because everyone in the room is dealing with the same disease to one degree or another.
It also gets me away from the computer (as great as this site is) and brings me out in the real world where I know I am truly dealing with it. I find it humbling for myself to attend al-anon.
This is a great site with some pretty terrific people who I have learned so much from.
And one of the most important things I learned is:
NOTHING THAT ANYONE EVERY SAID TO ME CHANGED ME; WHAT I UNDERSTOOD DID…………………….
I believe that addiction/codependency are diseases of our thoughts. Learning what is normal-healthy love not the suffocating/controlling/fixing/doing/overly caring, stripping ourselves of self esteem kind of love is the best knowledge I ever UNDERSTOOD.
I grew up with love – codependent kind of love, I repeated what I knew. Now I know better and I do better.
Al-anon for me is like a group think tank and seeing others in person brings a kind of bond and mutual understanding because everyone in the room is dealing with the same disease to one degree or another.
It also gets me away from the computer (as great as this site is) and brings me out in the real world where I know I am truly dealing with it. I find it humbling for myself to attend al-anon.
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