I am about to make a mistake!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 13
I am about to make a mistake!
Hello Everybody
I havenīt been here for about one month. I donīt know why, maybe I felt I didnīt need to come or maybe because I knew that I was doing was wrong. In any case I have made a massive mistake.
I separated from my AH four months ago now, itīs a long time ... but really one month ago when it was my bday I felt a deep melancholy about old times and about good times specially, I was more or less alone so I wrote to him telling him that I wanted to try again.
Soon after I got panicked, because he didnīt offer a substantial change so we argued through skype, because we still live in diffrente cities... We ended up even worse than the last time and I felt horrible specially because the wounds were closing and I came back asking to come back and opened the wounds.
So I wrote back saying I am sorry. And in the last month we have been talking, sometimes saying we will come back and then arguing again.
Now, what happens to me is that when I even think about the posibility of not seeing him ever again (when we end up he says that he will never ever want to know about me again) I feel sad and guilty because I think I could have done something else for our relationship to work. Specially because like I have said in other posts, I started to be rude and bad tempered and did some other bad things when I realized he wasnīt going to stop drinking.
So I said again I am sorry I want to try again... and he said ok I am sorry too I will try to change, so he proposed his own program by which he reduces his drinking gradually. First we would drink once every week then once every two weeks and so on... but that is more or less the plan I accepted 2 years ago and didnīt work!
I accepted to do it again and we have talked about living together in one month...but now, I have panicked again I donīt want that! But I donīt find the courage to tell him NO, I donīt want this because he will get mad at me and will say nasty things and probably he will be right because after all it was me who contacted him...
So here I am, I said I would do what I donīt want to do but I am frightened not to do it because I would hurt him.
I donīt know if it would be a good idea to give him one more chance to prove his theory even though I know it wonīt work... He doesnīt want to stop drinking straight away, he is still drinking now, he didnīt look for help for himself and will only do according to him once we are together. I asked him if you wanted to stop why didnīt you do it during this 4 months... and he just said becuase I didn īt know we were going to be together...
Well that is the situation.
On the other hand I seem to have finally get 80% used to my new life, I have new flatmates, new friends in the new city where I am and I feel a lot more happy and confident... i even go out to parties and make myself look pretty everyday. I am afraid to go back to the fights that we had everyday and to the constant crying.
I guess I know the answer to this situation I just donīt have the courage to do what has to be done...specially because of GUILT
How would you guys manage this situation? What would you say? What would you do?
Thanks for reading and for your always valuable advice
I havenīt been here for about one month. I donīt know why, maybe I felt I didnīt need to come or maybe because I knew that I was doing was wrong. In any case I have made a massive mistake.
I separated from my AH four months ago now, itīs a long time ... but really one month ago when it was my bday I felt a deep melancholy about old times and about good times specially, I was more or less alone so I wrote to him telling him that I wanted to try again.
Soon after I got panicked, because he didnīt offer a substantial change so we argued through skype, because we still live in diffrente cities... We ended up even worse than the last time and I felt horrible specially because the wounds were closing and I came back asking to come back and opened the wounds.
So I wrote back saying I am sorry. And in the last month we have been talking, sometimes saying we will come back and then arguing again.
Now, what happens to me is that when I even think about the posibility of not seeing him ever again (when we end up he says that he will never ever want to know about me again) I feel sad and guilty because I think I could have done something else for our relationship to work. Specially because like I have said in other posts, I started to be rude and bad tempered and did some other bad things when I realized he wasnīt going to stop drinking.
So I said again I am sorry I want to try again... and he said ok I am sorry too I will try to change, so he proposed his own program by which he reduces his drinking gradually. First we would drink once every week then once every two weeks and so on... but that is more or less the plan I accepted 2 years ago and didnīt work!
I accepted to do it again and we have talked about living together in one month...but now, I have panicked again I donīt want that! But I donīt find the courage to tell him NO, I donīt want this because he will get mad at me and will say nasty things and probably he will be right because after all it was me who contacted him...
So here I am, I said I would do what I donīt want to do but I am frightened not to do it because I would hurt him.
I donīt know if it would be a good idea to give him one more chance to prove his theory even though I know it wonīt work... He doesnīt want to stop drinking straight away, he is still drinking now, he didnīt look for help for himself and will only do according to him once we are together. I asked him if you wanted to stop why didnīt you do it during this 4 months... and he just said becuase I didn īt know we were going to be together...
Well that is the situation.
On the other hand I seem to have finally get 80% used to my new life, I have new flatmates, new friends in the new city where I am and I feel a lot more happy and confident... i even go out to parties and make myself look pretty everyday. I am afraid to go back to the fights that we had everyday and to the constant crying.
I guess I know the answer to this situation I just donīt have the courage to do what has to be done...specially because of GUILT
How would you guys manage this situation? What would you say? What would you do?
Thanks for reading and for your always valuable advice
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Tell him you changed your mind, and you hope he has a nice life. Go no contact, and kick myself in the rear if I had the urge to contact him again.
That's what I'd do. Your mileage may vary
That's what I'd do. Your mileage may vary
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
You have the right to change your mind.
A mistake if learned from is a lesson...nothing to be gained by guilting yourself and beating yourself up....today is all we have, the past is past and over, that is why it is called the past.
I suggest doing a good study of the serenity prayer.
A mistake if learned from is a lesson...nothing to be gained by guilting yourself and beating yourself up....today is all we have, the past is past and over, that is why it is called the past.
I suggest doing a good study of the serenity prayer.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 77
First off an alcoholic cannot "gradually" quit drinking...they can't control it as much as they would like to think they can. Secondly, if he doesn't want to do it for himself, then there will always be resentment that you "made" him do it. Third, why would you feel guilty? For not wanting to be treated that way? You are in control of YOU and you have to make choices based on what YOU want and how you want to live your life. If you don't take care of YOU then who will? Think long and hard, you know what you need to do and you should not feel guilty for putting your needs first!
Good Luck and hugs.
Good Luck and hugs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
So here I am, I said I would do what I donīt want to do but I am frightened not to do it because I would hurt him.
I don't believe for one moment that God wants you to jump back into that insanity. You've already had a taste of the good life without an active alcoholic in it.
I hope you don't short-change yourself and once again put his needs/wants first.
You deserve so much more!
:ghug2 :ghug2
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I have to admit I used to be a regular on my own game show: It's Over, It's Over, C'Mon Over.
Today I know I was confused and frightened and I sent a lot of conflicting messages to him as well as to myself. Fear was my big motivator. Fear of being never finding another partner. Fear of losing out on a relationship with "my soulmate". It was all about my fear of being alone forever. It took a lot of Al Anon, some counseling and a whole lot of soul searching for me to be able to let go with both hands and move forward in my own life.
I was able to do it, but for a long time it was One Day At a Time. Eventually I had to go no contact, for my own mental health and well being. My ex spiraled further out of control, but I had a good support system that reminded me he was making his own choices and experiencing his own consequences.
I learned to treat myself like my own best friend. What would I tell her in that situation? It was true for me as well.
It's not easy, taking care of yourself. But the rewards are great, I promise.
Today I know I was confused and frightened and I sent a lot of conflicting messages to him as well as to myself. Fear was my big motivator. Fear of being never finding another partner. Fear of losing out on a relationship with "my soulmate". It was all about my fear of being alone forever. It took a lot of Al Anon, some counseling and a whole lot of soul searching for me to be able to let go with both hands and move forward in my own life.
I was able to do it, but for a long time it was One Day At a Time. Eventually I had to go no contact, for my own mental health and well being. My ex spiraled further out of control, but I had a good support system that reminded me he was making his own choices and experiencing his own consequences.
I learned to treat myself like my own best friend. What would I tell her in that situation? It was true for me as well.
It's not easy, taking care of yourself. But the rewards are great, I promise.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
I accepted to do it again and we have talked about living together in one month...but now, I have panicked again I donīt want that! But I donīt find the courage to tell him NO, I donīt want this because he will get mad at me and will say nasty things and probably he will be right because after all it was me who contacted him...
As to his reaction, what is the worst he can do to you over skype if you tell him you changed your mind? ( and you are in control of the computer button!!!:-)
In comparision, what will life be like if you don't change your mind and you go back to him?
Margareta, if you go back does not being "guilty" mean you are going to be the perfect person in this relationship?( I mean what else is left, what more could you possible do?) Then what, what if he is not changed after you have 'attemped' to be perfect?
You said:
I feel sad and guilty because I think I could have done something else for our relationship to work. Specially because like I have said in other posts, I started to be rude and bad tempered and did some other bad things when I realized he wasnīt going to stop drinking.
Here's why this doesn't work: alcoholics that want to and remain active drinkers don't think or behave right. They are intoxicated at the least!!! You could say and do everything perfect and not get a healthy result. The cause and effect pattern is not in balance, abuse throws off the normal balance of how one responds to normal loving responses.
As for that , loving responses are thrown of balance.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ontario
Posts: 85
Hi Margareta,
I went back to my recovering ABF too. I broke up in January, went back in April when I was feeling really low and vulnerable (anxiety, panic attacks, migraines). I broke up again in July after he showed how little compassion and empathy he really had for me.
We have remained in contact occasionally. He contacts me when he needs something. He is showing by his behaviour that he is still a jerk.
I was lucky enough to start seeing a psychologist during all this and she really helped me clarify what I liked and didn't like about the relationship and what behaviours I could tolerate and what I couldn't. When the last straw occurred (he told me I was over-reacting when my beloved cat died in traumatic circumstances) I had no doubt that this was it for our relationship.
Don't be too hard on yourself. I think like alcoholics, sometimes it takes a couple or more tries before we can fully let go. I think there is a lot to be said for the theory that we are addicted to our alcoholics.
Good luck,
Spinner
I went back to my recovering ABF too. I broke up in January, went back in April when I was feeling really low and vulnerable (anxiety, panic attacks, migraines). I broke up again in July after he showed how little compassion and empathy he really had for me.
We have remained in contact occasionally. He contacts me when he needs something. He is showing by his behaviour that he is still a jerk.
I was lucky enough to start seeing a psychologist during all this and she really helped me clarify what I liked and didn't like about the relationship and what behaviours I could tolerate and what I couldn't. When the last straw occurred (he told me I was over-reacting when my beloved cat died in traumatic circumstances) I had no doubt that this was it for our relationship.
Don't be too hard on yourself. I think like alcoholics, sometimes it takes a couple or more tries before we can fully let go. I think there is a lot to be said for the theory that we are addicted to our alcoholics.
Good luck,
Spinner
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Been thinking back .... each time I took my AH back and gave him another chance I had a bad feeling about it. An uneasy feeling. I wish I had listened to my gut feelings. It took me a long time to have it "black and white" in my mind. Sure glad I finally made the decision that was right for me.
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