Dealing with probation - need help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 10
Dealing with probation - need help
Hi everyone,
I haven't posted in a while; after becoming a black-out drunk in his one semester at college, my son has completely spiraled out of control in about 18 months. Over the summer he turned 21 and TSHF, so to speak. After getting kicked out of a sober living facility for turning up drunk, he sponged off of a friend for most of the summer, not looking for a job, just drinking and smoking dope. He got arrested two weeks ago for shoplifting cough meds, and got into a scuffle with the store personnel. We had to pay an attorney to get the charges lowered from felony to misdemeanor, but we did let him stay in jail for 10 days. Now his parole officer says that re-hab wouldn't do him any good, but she is having him assessed any way. I'm afraid the probation board will only give him classes, and he needs to be in a rehab for 30 days to qualify for any of the sober living facilities in our area. Any ideas on how we should handle this?
I haven't posted in a while; after becoming a black-out drunk in his one semester at college, my son has completely spiraled out of control in about 18 months. Over the summer he turned 21 and TSHF, so to speak. After getting kicked out of a sober living facility for turning up drunk, he sponged off of a friend for most of the summer, not looking for a job, just drinking and smoking dope. He got arrested two weeks ago for shoplifting cough meds, and got into a scuffle with the store personnel. We had to pay an attorney to get the charges lowered from felony to misdemeanor, but we did let him stay in jail for 10 days. Now his parole officer says that re-hab wouldn't do him any good, but she is having him assessed any way. I'm afraid the probation board will only give him classes, and he needs to be in a rehab for 30 days to qualify for any of the sober living facilities in our area. Any ideas on how we should handle this?
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
You're wondering how to get him into rehab and sober living...but has he agreed that this is what he needs?
He has to be ready.
Be careful not to stop the very consequences in his life that might lead him to being ready.
I know this is tough on you...having an addict son of my own.
My son was where yours is at 21 but it took him another three yrs. and a lot more wreckage before he was willing to admit his life had become unmanageable.
He went in to an 18 mos. program at age 24 that he graduates from at the end of this mo. When they're young it is rare that they get sober by a 30 day short term program.
In my exper. I had to learn to detach for long periods of time and know when to offer my son help...the times he refused I had to stay strong in my own program and not focus on his life. That being said, I never gave up on him, but I had to be patient and
keep my own life in balance.
for your struggle...hang in there...eventually change comes.
He has to be ready.
Be careful not to stop the very consequences in his life that might lead him to being ready.
I know this is tough on you...having an addict son of my own.
My son was where yours is at 21 but it took him another three yrs. and a lot more wreckage before he was willing to admit his life had become unmanageable.
He went in to an 18 mos. program at age 24 that he graduates from at the end of this mo. When they're young it is rare that they get sober by a 30 day short term program.
In my exper. I had to learn to detach for long periods of time and know when to offer my son help...the times he refused I had to stay strong in my own program and not focus on his life. That being said, I never gave up on him, but I had to be patient and
keep my own life in balance.
for your struggle...hang in there...eventually change comes.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Tough one. Only you know your "child."
There is a huge difference these days between chronological age and emotional age. There are many, many 30+ "teeny boppers" out there.
I, for one, do not blame you for getting the felony reduced. This time...
He still has plenty of time to earn a PhD, become a lawyer, or a highly productive human being where such a conviction might haunt him until he is ready to retire.
But, I agree with others that he needs to see the train that is coming. The train of life. That's what I always told my kids when they were teenagers. There is a train a comin,' one that mommy and daddy cannot stop. If they remain on the tracks they will be roadkill. All the king's horses...
Where does he get the money for alcohol and weed? A rhetorical question.
I agree with the poster that he must reach admission mode. Clicking on step one at the top of this page will give you and him plenty to think about.
"Kids" that age are preoccupied with control. They want control over their lives and freedom. Yet, addiction removes all their control and they must see that. As long as they carry the monkey, their life choices will be limited to where monkeys are allowed. Where's the last place you saw a monkey?
The good news is that I have seen so very many people his age turn things around. The only thing I would say is to mimic the real world.
He is 21. Emancipated. So are you. You get to choose what behaviors you will subsidize. My ex and I killed ourselves to put 3 kids through college. But not without conditions. They knew that the train coming wasn't a gravy train. Only they had the power to get off the tracks.
He dodged a bullet(felony). Help him realize just what that means. He almost had a million doors closed to him, regardless of what kind of human being he is. Very few college necessary careers give preference to felons.
Best of luck,
warren
There is a huge difference these days between chronological age and emotional age. There are many, many 30+ "teeny boppers" out there.
I, for one, do not blame you for getting the felony reduced. This time...
He still has plenty of time to earn a PhD, become a lawyer, or a highly productive human being where such a conviction might haunt him until he is ready to retire.
But, I agree with others that he needs to see the train that is coming. The train of life. That's what I always told my kids when they were teenagers. There is a train a comin,' one that mommy and daddy cannot stop. If they remain on the tracks they will be roadkill. All the king's horses...
Where does he get the money for alcohol and weed? A rhetorical question.
I agree with the poster that he must reach admission mode. Clicking on step one at the top of this page will give you and him plenty to think about.
"Kids" that age are preoccupied with control. They want control over their lives and freedom. Yet, addiction removes all their control and they must see that. As long as they carry the monkey, their life choices will be limited to where monkeys are allowed. Where's the last place you saw a monkey?
The good news is that I have seen so very many people his age turn things around. The only thing I would say is to mimic the real world.
He is 21. Emancipated. So are you. You get to choose what behaviors you will subsidize. My ex and I killed ourselves to put 3 kids through college. But not without conditions. They knew that the train coming wasn't a gravy train. Only they had the power to get off the tracks.
He dodged a bullet(felony). Help him realize just what that means. He almost had a million doors closed to him, regardless of what kind of human being he is. Very few college necessary careers give preference to felons.
Best of luck,
warren
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 10
Thanks
Thank you to everyone who posted. We only bailed him out because of the felony issue, and the problem getting employment when someone has a record. We haven't given him cash in months. We've already made it clear it's the LAST time we intend to help him legally. He shows no remorse and no gratitude. He's a 15 year old in a 21 year old body. I will keep reading the forums, there's a lot of wisdom here, even if it's hard to hear. Thanks again.
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