Still Waters

Alcoholism, addiction, and relationships aren't about fair, as much as we'd like them to be.

I think queenie, at this point "what others think of me is none of my business" might be the best way to go. It's pretty obvious that you aren't going to get the response from him you want.

You know your reactions were unhealthy, and you're working on those issues. In the end, that's all that matters.

queenie88

ok, so i'm not going to get the response that i want from him. here's what i'm struggling with: is it normal to have expectations like the ones i'm having? is it normal to "want" validation from a person, or am i just expecting too much emotionally? is it just that, if you have expectations like this of another person, you're always going to be disappointed?

in my relationship with xabf i always felt like the super needy one, and he couldn't give me what i needed emotionally. does that mean i needed too much?

CNMC2C

queenie, i too had a lot of crazy reactions to the things that my A XBF was doing. he was a master of punishment by silence...and no matter how much i apologized for the ways i reacted to his drinking ...it never mattered. he always used anything he could agaisnt me to get me back in line. after i left him, i realized that a lot of the times he pushed me to the point that i would break on purpose so that i would act crazy and he would have something to hold over my head. it takes 2 people to tango...and i truly see now how much he enjoyed manipulating the situations to his advantage and making me feel awful about myself. at the end of it all.....i know that my A XBF wouldn't accept any apology from me in any way accept to use it against me. it wouldn't really mean anything to him accept for giving him the green light to start his mind games with me again. he is not a rational person. i chose to turn the tables on him last year and cut him out of my life with no contact. he taught me the art of punshiment by silence and i am practicing that art that he is such an expert in on him for the rest of my life. please try to forgive yourself for the part you played in the insanity.

Still Waters

Well sure it is. We all crave validation to a certain point (in my opinion). The question is whether it's healthy or not, and to what extreme we take it.

I mean, I expect validation in a job. I work hard to do a good job, so I can get promoted or raises. To me, that's validation. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't. If I continue to not get the validation I feel I deserve, I can either lower my expectations of my employer, work harder to achieve it, or I can find another employer.

But, you are expecting something from someone who likely isn't capable of giving it. In my experience, my AH would only use these needs against me.

So to continue to expect/need/want something from someone who can't give those things IS unhealthy.

TakingCharge999

i guess at this point, nothing i say really matters to xabf.

Tough pill to swallow but when I did not want to believe it I heard it from him. Ouch.

Out of the madness, I now remember what caring about someone else means. I realized I never mattered to xabf that much anyway. I just mattered to the extent of making him feel good about himself. That is not the "caring" I want for my life. I know how that feels like, and this was not it.

in his mind, i'm the one that did all these crazy things, and i'm the one that ruined our relationship, and because of that i deserve to be kicked out, strung along and dumped. it's just not fair. i can't do anything right.

Ah yes, of course, that may be his version of things. And when a cop gets him a DUI its the cop's fault, and when he hits someone its because the other "made them angry", and when he hates who he is, it is his parents' fault.... don't take it personal queenie... regardless of the girl he was with, the very same thing would have happened... you could have been Gisele Bundchen and no, wouldn't have made the slighest difference...

For people in this unverse its not fair and real. For their hellish alternate universe you will be the Devil. Ok. Its their crazy world. I was called The Enemy. That made me sad. And that tells me he embodies addiction now. Not very different from an erratic madman...

Its rather simple, either you are supporting the addiction and considered an allie or you are out, the worse person on Earth, fat, boring, full of issues, depressed, quackety quack sheeesh

Wounds are still fresh queenie but I promise you if you stick around and keep learning, you will zoom out more and more and see it more clearly, as it is... you made mistakes, it was your 50%... but you do not own his side of the street and he can believe anything he wishes in his sick world.. that is what addicts do, twist reality to suit them.

If my neighbor does not sweep his sidewalk, does it mean it has no trash?

Sorry for my lousy analogies.. I hope you realize what hurts is your ego, not the real you...

((HUGS))

FreeBird09

I always offered the axbf support if he made the decision to get help. He always admitted that he was an alcoholic, and still does. He does say that I made him a worse alcoholic, but the only thing I say is, wow, I am omnipotent aren't I, for having that much control over your decisions. He just gets quiet and says how hard it is and how he is praying about it. Most of the time he is nasty, but I don't let him into my portion of life any more where it will effect me.

I tend to try to take care of my addiction........to an alcoholic, and leave the alcoholic to his own devices, albeit it may end in death for him, but the way he is living is like walking dead. In this instance I wish I was omnipotent.

I did confront my eldest son yesterday, he was saying how he is blacking out when he drinks and I said, you are an alcoholic and it will take your life if you keep on this path. He agreed. Not to appease me, but because he KNOWS he has spun out of control.