Wife of Alcoholic - How to help?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 1
Wife of Alcoholic - How to help?
I married my high school sweetheart 35 years after high school and love every minute I have with him. After about five years he retired. Now he goes to bars 7 days a week and drinks 10+ drinks per night. He slurs his words and stumbles out and drives home. Two weeks per month it's only about one mile. The other two weeks he goes to another city and stays with friends and drives there too. I beg him not to drive - to let me pick him up when he's here - to get a cab when he's away. I have tried talking to the bartenders and his friends and no one will help.
He never gets a hangover - but does have a lot of health problems - some related to drinking. He is a charming, dear, sweet, popular man who is even nicer drunk than sober.
The drinking is a terrible strain financially. He refuses to drink outside of bars (never a drop at home). He buys drinks for other people - averages $100/night - while I struggle to pay our bills without any help.
I've tried to talk to him about it but he is very defensive and it does no good.
He says he goes for the company - he's lonely - but he leaves just before I get home every night - and I'm the one who is lonely. He does nothing in the day time - so I have to do all of the house work and errands on the weekends.
I know he is the one who has to make the decision to fix the problems - but I wish I knew what I could do to help him.
He never gets a hangover - but does have a lot of health problems - some related to drinking. He is a charming, dear, sweet, popular man who is even nicer drunk than sober.
The drinking is a terrible strain financially. He refuses to drink outside of bars (never a drop at home). He buys drinks for other people - averages $100/night - while I struggle to pay our bills without any help.
I've tried to talk to him about it but he is very defensive and it does no good.
He says he goes for the company - he's lonely - but he leaves just before I get home every night - and I'm the one who is lonely. He does nothing in the day time - so I have to do all of the house work and errands on the weekends.
I know he is the one who has to make the decision to fix the problems - but I wish I knew what I could do to help him.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
If you know he's driving drunk, call the police. If, god forbid, he were to plow some people down and you knew he drove drunk all the time.. yikes.
While he is the one to decide if he will change, you can put some boundaries in place as to what YOU are ok with in your relationship, and your home.
While he is the one to decide if he will change, you can put some boundaries in place as to what YOU are ok with in your relationship, and your home.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
lovingwife,
This will only get worse, much worse. At his age, and being retired....well, it could go dramatically downhill very quickly.
Know the facts and know your options, being blindsided by massive credit card bills, wiped out bank accounts, law suits from DUI's, etc. are no fun.
You have to safeguard yourself first, please think about that.
This will only get worse, much worse. At his age, and being retired....well, it could go dramatically downhill very quickly.
Know the facts and know your options, being blindsided by massive credit card bills, wiped out bank accounts, law suits from DUI's, etc. are no fun.
You have to safeguard yourself first, please think about that.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You have described an alcoholic husband:
He is a charming, dear, sweet, popular man who is even nicer drunk than sober.
The charming and nice is because he is addicted to alcohol. Every cell in his body is addicted. Even his brain. When he cuts back or goes without, his body and mind are screaming for another drink. That's when he gets crabby, agitated and sometimes mean. This will not improve with time. It will progress.
Your finances will be depleted, your emotions will be extreme, you will become isolated, you begin to doubt your sanity, you beg, you plead, you threaten, and still nothing changes. You are in love with an alcoholic. The alcoholic is in love with alcohol.
There is hope for you! You have found a valuable resource here at SR. Lots of information, fellowship and support. The sticky posts at the top of this forum contain information, our stories and our experiences. Please read and post as often as needed.
Another valuable resource is Al Anon meetings. Al Anon is for friends and family of Alcoholics whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Everyone at the meetings will have the same experiences as you ( here also). You will learn coping skills and tools to help you make your life more manageable, day by day.
We're glad you're here!
You have described an alcoholic husband:
He is a charming, dear, sweet, popular man who is even nicer drunk than sober.
The charming and nice is because he is addicted to alcohol. Every cell in his body is addicted. Even his brain. When he cuts back or goes without, his body and mind are screaming for another drink. That's when he gets crabby, agitated and sometimes mean. This will not improve with time. It will progress.
Your finances will be depleted, your emotions will be extreme, you will become isolated, you begin to doubt your sanity, you beg, you plead, you threaten, and still nothing changes. You are in love with an alcoholic. The alcoholic is in love with alcohol.
There is hope for you! You have found a valuable resource here at SR. Lots of information, fellowship and support. The sticky posts at the top of this forum contain information, our stories and our experiences. Please read and post as often as needed.
Another valuable resource is Al Anon meetings. Al Anon is for friends and family of Alcoholics whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Everyone at the meetings will have the same experiences as you ( here also). You will learn coping skills and tools to help you make your life more manageable, day by day.
We're glad you're here!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Been there and done that. Didn't get married, raise family etc, so that retirement meant him on porch all day drinking and me still the housewife. He wouldn't change so I did.
I am in a nice unit, have plenty of interests, times with family and enjoy my life at nearly 65. He's had alcohol induced dementia for 10 years, been in a nursing home for 5 years, bedridden the last couple from mini strokes.
I feel very sad that he only "enjoyed" a year of retirement before drinkng himself into poverty, and eventually such illhealth.
That was his choice and no doctor's warnings made a dent in his decision.
My blood ran cold at the thought of your AH driving at all when drunk, let alone when he goes away. Apart from the trauma he could cause some innocent folk in a accident, as
Stillwaters said, the cost to you could be massive. He needs to be stopped NOW.
lovingwife, I am sorry for how you are living right now, and also that you don't have a loving husband there to be with you.
If you are prepared to accept being treated as you are now and have the possible spending of years nursing him thru his impending sicknesses, then you don't have to do a thing, just continue as is.
But if you want a life, and to be treated as a partner and wife, you will need to make some changes. Only you can decide that.
You say you "love every minute I have with him". That seems about all you do spend with him as he is in bars every day and away with friends for 2 weeks out of the month, because "he is lonely".
What do you do with and for yourself while he is out or away? Apart from being lonely and worrying about his health and him drink driving.
Frankly I would have told him to shape up or I would ship out if he were my husband.
I wish you well and hope you can do all you can to make some changes before it is too late to enjoy any life.
I am in a nice unit, have plenty of interests, times with family and enjoy my life at nearly 65. He's had alcohol induced dementia for 10 years, been in a nursing home for 5 years, bedridden the last couple from mini strokes.
I feel very sad that he only "enjoyed" a year of retirement before drinkng himself into poverty, and eventually such illhealth.
That was his choice and no doctor's warnings made a dent in his decision.
My blood ran cold at the thought of your AH driving at all when drunk, let alone when he goes away. Apart from the trauma he could cause some innocent folk in a accident, as
Stillwaters said, the cost to you could be massive. He needs to be stopped NOW.
lovingwife, I am sorry for how you are living right now, and also that you don't have a loving husband there to be with you.
If you are prepared to accept being treated as you are now and have the possible spending of years nursing him thru his impending sicknesses, then you don't have to do a thing, just continue as is.
But if you want a life, and to be treated as a partner and wife, you will need to make some changes. Only you can decide that.
You say you "love every minute I have with him". That seems about all you do spend with him as he is in bars every day and away with friends for 2 weeks out of the month, because "he is lonely".
What do you do with and for yourself while he is out or away? Apart from being lonely and worrying about his health and him drink driving.
Frankly I would have told him to shape up or I would ship out if he were my husband.
I wish you well and hope you can do all you can to make some changes before it is too late to enjoy any life.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
