New and not sure if I belong here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 72
New and not sure if I belong here
This is my first post and not sure what I need to write. I am not even sure if I belong here or not. I have a feeling this might be a long post. Thank you already for reading and hopefully for responding.
I have been married to AH for 7 years. We have a beautiful 4 year old. My AH always drank plus smokes cigarettes. It took me a while to realize that his drinking was daily. Without any exceptions. By then we were married. He is a very spiritual person.
My AH doesn't do any of the things I would excpect from an alcoholic. Even do he drinks daily, he never starts drinking until he is home from work. Then he has about 4 beers and a few glasses of beer, goes to bed and is asleep. He works 10-12 hours a day (which affords me to stay at home) and is very respected and liked at work. He has never missed a day of work because of his drinking. He has never been loud or abusive. The opposite. His drinking makes him very intraverted and quiet. He never drinks and drives. He never passes out on the coach or throws up. He is always open about his drinking and never hides it or lies about it. Even if I wanted to enable him, I wouldn't know where. He is fully self provicient.
It is a bit harder on the weekends. He starts drinking after lunch and I can usually tell by about 6 or so that he is starting to be visibly drunk. (To me). That's when he will start drinking lots of water as well. That way he will keep that buzz until he goes to bed. I hate weekends because of this. I hate seeing him drunk. but I also have to say that he is not the obvious drunk. He will still cook dinner or clean up the kitchen or play with our child. He is not full on drunk. (I am sure you know what I am trying to explain here).
The only thing that his alcoholism hurts is our private time once our child is in bed. Usually he goes to bed about 1 to 2 hours after her. Most times we just watch TV. Our sex life has always sucked due to his lack of interest.
Last year I was so obsessed about his drinking that I would always want to talk about it. He would withdraw. He used to say. Are you sure that if I stop drinking you are not just going to find something else about me you want to change or your not happy with? I could never answer that question with a positive Yes.
I ended up seeing a counselor and worked on myself. Reading books like Codependent no more by Beatty really helped but they also made me realize that most of those scenerios don't fit me. He also went to a counselor. At the end of his (5) sessions, I had one session with his counselor as well. His counsellor is not a big fan of AA and thinks reducing alcohol is enough for my AH. His main thing was that AH needs to go to counseling for his past since the alcohol is not the problem, he is only self medicating himself with it. I even tried to go to an Al Anon meeting. But when I got to the meeting place there was nobody there. I called the number afterwords and they said they had no contact info for that meeing and I would have to try to track down somebody myself. I never did.
So here I am. A year later. My AH really has reduced the amount of alcohol he drinks daily compared to 7 years ago. Plus he has cut out all heavy liquor. I can tell the difference between today and 7 years ago. Plus he has been at the same level for the last 12 months plus. We have been trying for a 2nd. child but 1. lack of sex life, 2. not sure about those swimmers and 3. I am starting to wonder more and more if that is really a smart idea.
And I don't know where to go from here. Is this it? As good as it's going to get? Is his kind of drinking exceptable? Do I even have a right to complain? I stopped smoking 2 weeks ago. Somehow I had to for myself. It never felt right being pissed about somebody elses addiction when I was addicted (to nicotine) myself.
Well, if you read all of that Thank you.
Ela
I have been married to AH for 7 years. We have a beautiful 4 year old. My AH always drank plus smokes cigarettes. It took me a while to realize that his drinking was daily. Without any exceptions. By then we were married. He is a very spiritual person.
My AH doesn't do any of the things I would excpect from an alcoholic. Even do he drinks daily, he never starts drinking until he is home from work. Then he has about 4 beers and a few glasses of beer, goes to bed and is asleep. He works 10-12 hours a day (which affords me to stay at home) and is very respected and liked at work. He has never missed a day of work because of his drinking. He has never been loud or abusive. The opposite. His drinking makes him very intraverted and quiet. He never drinks and drives. He never passes out on the coach or throws up. He is always open about his drinking and never hides it or lies about it. Even if I wanted to enable him, I wouldn't know where. He is fully self provicient.
It is a bit harder on the weekends. He starts drinking after lunch and I can usually tell by about 6 or so that he is starting to be visibly drunk. (To me). That's when he will start drinking lots of water as well. That way he will keep that buzz until he goes to bed. I hate weekends because of this. I hate seeing him drunk. but I also have to say that he is not the obvious drunk. He will still cook dinner or clean up the kitchen or play with our child. He is not full on drunk. (I am sure you know what I am trying to explain here).
The only thing that his alcoholism hurts is our private time once our child is in bed. Usually he goes to bed about 1 to 2 hours after her. Most times we just watch TV. Our sex life has always sucked due to his lack of interest.
Last year I was so obsessed about his drinking that I would always want to talk about it. He would withdraw. He used to say. Are you sure that if I stop drinking you are not just going to find something else about me you want to change or your not happy with? I could never answer that question with a positive Yes.
I ended up seeing a counselor and worked on myself. Reading books like Codependent no more by Beatty really helped but they also made me realize that most of those scenerios don't fit me. He also went to a counselor. At the end of his (5) sessions, I had one session with his counselor as well. His counsellor is not a big fan of AA and thinks reducing alcohol is enough for my AH. His main thing was that AH needs to go to counseling for his past since the alcohol is not the problem, he is only self medicating himself with it. I even tried to go to an Al Anon meeting. But when I got to the meeting place there was nobody there. I called the number afterwords and they said they had no contact info for that meeing and I would have to try to track down somebody myself. I never did.
So here I am. A year later. My AH really has reduced the amount of alcohol he drinks daily compared to 7 years ago. Plus he has cut out all heavy liquor. I can tell the difference between today and 7 years ago. Plus he has been at the same level for the last 12 months plus. We have been trying for a 2nd. child but 1. lack of sex life, 2. not sure about those swimmers and 3. I am starting to wonder more and more if that is really a smart idea.
And I don't know where to go from here. Is this it? As good as it's going to get? Is his kind of drinking exceptable? Do I even have a right to complain? I stopped smoking 2 weeks ago. Somehow I had to for myself. It never felt right being pissed about somebody elses addiction when I was addicted (to nicotine) myself.
Well, if you read all of that Thank you.
Ela
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
C,
He certainly sounds like an alcoholic to me.
Emotional abuse of a partner is not always screaming and yelling, hitting, and cheating.
Indifference is also emotional abuse. Being physically present and emotionally absent is also emotional abuse. Turning legitimate concerns into inflated defensive critical attacks on the spouse is emotional abuse. Indulging in self-centered mind-altering pleasures at the expense of the family is emotional abuse. Withholding sex is emotional abuse.
Do you have reason to be angry?
Absolutely.
Keep talking to people in recovery. Glad you are here.
Bluejay
He certainly sounds like an alcoholic to me.
Emotional abuse of a partner is not always screaming and yelling, hitting, and cheating.
Indifference is also emotional abuse. Being physically present and emotionally absent is also emotional abuse. Turning legitimate concerns into inflated defensive critical attacks on the spouse is emotional abuse. Indulging in self-centered mind-altering pleasures at the expense of the family is emotional abuse. Withholding sex is emotional abuse.
Do you have reason to be angry?
Absolutely.
Keep talking to people in recovery. Glad you are here.
Bluejay
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
He used to say. Are you sure that if I stop drinking you are not just going to find something else about me you want to change or your not happy with?
In the end, it doesn't matter if he is or isn't an alcoholic. What matters is if his drinking or smoking or lack of libido is acceptable to you.
Assume that things won't get any better than they are right now since moderation seems to be as far as he'll go. Are you prepared to live this way for the rest of your life?
Are these issues really that big of a deal?
If they are, what can you do to make changes in your life?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by canuckch 
. Is this it? As good as it's going to get? Is his kind of drinking exceptable? Do I even have a right to complain?
You asked:
Is this it? As good as it is going to get? This is your reality and it may or may not be it. Maybe a better question would be: What is it I want for myself and my child? If it does not change one bit for the better is this acceptable for you?
Is his kind of drinking acceptable? It doesn't seem acceptable to you and you are the only one the matters for this question. In other words it doesn't matter one bit whether his drinking bothers me or not...it matters for you.
Do I even have a right to complain? Yes, because his drinking is effecting you and your child. You get to decide how you want to live your life. You need to decide what it is you want.
Keep posting. You are among people that understand.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Canuckch,
I agree with bluejay and stillwater. He does sound like an alcoholic to me, too.
You said your AH doesn't do any of the things you would excpect from an alcoholic. But I believe non-alcoholics would never make alcohol their number one priority and chose alcohol over time with their family! I remember my AH once said to me that he might have a problem drinking, but that he is not an alcoholic because he doesn't get violent, doesn't live on the streets, etc. (clearly he was justifying his drinking, but he also had a wrong picture of what an alcoholic is/ how an alcoholic behaves). Please also keep in mind that alcoholism is a progressive disease. Your AH might have cut back and has been on the same level of drinking for a while, but is that really a guarantee that it he will maintain that little control he does have for the rest of his life? So while he is functional now, what happens 10, 20 years from? Does he have good coping skills that he will be able to use when things get difficult or will he just drink to cope with his problems? I think the reason A's need treatment is so that they can find better ways to deal with the stressors in their life, if they don't manage to acquire and use better coping skills, Alcoholism will win every time.
A lot of people here told me to put a "yet" after the things my AH isn't doing. As in: he doesn't drink and drive yet! I never ever thought my AH could get physically violent in an arguement... but he did (grant it, he didn't beat me, but he definetely got physical to the point where I felt threatend - which was a big turning point for me).
I'm still new to this myself and might not have all the insight you need, just thought I'd share my opinion/ story with you.
I agree with bluejay and stillwater. He does sound like an alcoholic to me, too.
You said your AH doesn't do any of the things you would excpect from an alcoholic. But I believe non-alcoholics would never make alcohol their number one priority and chose alcohol over time with their family! I remember my AH once said to me that he might have a problem drinking, but that he is not an alcoholic because he doesn't get violent, doesn't live on the streets, etc. (clearly he was justifying his drinking, but he also had a wrong picture of what an alcoholic is/ how an alcoholic behaves). Please also keep in mind that alcoholism is a progressive disease. Your AH might have cut back and has been on the same level of drinking for a while, but is that really a guarantee that it he will maintain that little control he does have for the rest of his life? So while he is functional now, what happens 10, 20 years from? Does he have good coping skills that he will be able to use when things get difficult or will he just drink to cope with his problems? I think the reason A's need treatment is so that they can find better ways to deal with the stressors in their life, if they don't manage to acquire and use better coping skills, Alcoholism will win every time.
A lot of people here told me to put a "yet" after the things my AH isn't doing. As in: he doesn't drink and drive yet! I never ever thought my AH could get physically violent in an arguement... but he did (grant it, he didn't beat me, but he definetely got physical to the point where I felt threatend - which was a big turning point for me).
I'm still new to this myself and might not have all the insight you need, just thought I'd share my opinion/ story with you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 45
I am fairly new to all of this as well. I can relate to your situation. I have a 3 1/2 year old and a 15 month old. My husband for the most part comes home from work and drinks beer to he goes to bed or passes out in the recliner in front of the tv. He NEVER misses work, works hard, is well liked by friends and coworkers.
I just recently realized that he is there physically with us at times, but lacks being there with us emotionally.
My question to you is a question I continue to ask myself.
How is this impacting your son?
That is my #1 concern in my situation. How is this going to affect my children. Also, if I don't get healthy I am leading just as bad of an example as my AH is.
This process is difficult. It is a journey. I am starting to think the pain in this process is well worth the outcome. It's just getting through the pain, hurt, and difficult times. to get to that positive outcome that's so hard.
Glad you joined. Keep reading and posting. This is a great place.
I just recently realized that he is there physically with us at times, but lacks being there with us emotionally.
My question to you is a question I continue to ask myself.
How is this impacting your son?
That is my #1 concern in my situation. How is this going to affect my children. Also, if I don't get healthy I am leading just as bad of an example as my AH is.
This process is difficult. It is a journey. I am starting to think the pain in this process is well worth the outcome. It's just getting through the pain, hurt, and difficult times. to get to that positive outcome that's so hard.
Glad you joined. Keep reading and posting. This is a great place.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 72
Thank you very much for your answers. Part of me feels guilty for complaining here when I know there are people on this board that deal with actual violence and real crap.
There is no doubt in my mind that my husband is an alcoholic. There is doubt that I have the right to complain about it or be unhappy about it. I sometimes wished he would do something really stupid like drink and drive or yell at me or push me or fall down the stairs or go to bars all the time or anything that would make him realize that his drinking has an affect on him and me. Currently he doesn't realise that. He does not see that there is a big lack of intimacy in our relationship. He comes from a disfunctional family and just sitting watching tv every night or weekend is normal for him and he does not see anything wrong about that.
But enough about him.
I just don't know where to go from here. I can't make up my mind if I want to live like this for the rest of my life or not. I know soon our DD will start picking up on his drinking as well. Who am I kidding. She already is. She has started to act differently towards him if he is no longer sober, when he is in that first stage of loosing a bit of control over his movements, that first glassy look in his eyes. Thankfully she has never seen him past this stage. (yet. I know this is just a question of time.)
I love my AH. I want him to get sober and healthy. I want us to add to our family. I want to be able to look at my husband sleeping and not feel disgust. Where is my magic wand?
I am at a point where I feel I have to make a decision. Either stay or leave. But if I stay I feel I can't always complain about his drinking or him or feel bad or doubt him. Because then I should not have stayed but have left.
It does not make it easier that all my family lives on a different continent and that if I leave that's where I am heading.
Thank you. I will definitely stick around.
There is no doubt in my mind that my husband is an alcoholic. There is doubt that I have the right to complain about it or be unhappy about it. I sometimes wished he would do something really stupid like drink and drive or yell at me or push me or fall down the stairs or go to bars all the time or anything that would make him realize that his drinking has an affect on him and me. Currently he doesn't realise that. He does not see that there is a big lack of intimacy in our relationship. He comes from a disfunctional family and just sitting watching tv every night or weekend is normal for him and he does not see anything wrong about that.
But enough about him.
I just don't know where to go from here. I can't make up my mind if I want to live like this for the rest of my life or not. I know soon our DD will start picking up on his drinking as well. Who am I kidding. She already is. She has started to act differently towards him if he is no longer sober, when he is in that first stage of loosing a bit of control over his movements, that first glassy look in his eyes. Thankfully she has never seen him past this stage. (yet. I know this is just a question of time.)
I love my AH. I want him to get sober and healthy. I want us to add to our family. I want to be able to look at my husband sleeping and not feel disgust. Where is my magic wand?
I am at a point where I feel I have to make a decision. Either stay or leave. But if I stay I feel I can't always complain about his drinking or him or feel bad or doubt him. Because then I should not have stayed but have left.
It does not make it easier that all my family lives on a different continent and that if I leave that's where I am heading.
Thank you. I will definitely stick around.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by canuckch
And I don't know where to go from here. Is this it? As good as it's going to get? Is his kind of drinking exceptable? Do I even have a right to complain? I stopped smoking 2 weeks ago. Somehow I had to for myself. It never felt right being pissed about somebody elses addiction when I was addicted (to nicotine) myself.
To be free from codependent behavior I think you have to love yourself enough to set your own boundaries. Make a decision to love yourself and have a healthy, nurturing relationship. If it is never going to be ok to you to live with a man who drinks that much, then maybe it is time for you to express that. He then has a choice to either continue with his coping mechanism and let you go, or deal with the root problem and stay in the relationship.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by canuckch
Thank you very much for your answers. Part of me feels guilty for complaining here when I know there are people on this board that deal with actual violence and real crap.
There is no doubt in my mind that my husband is an alcoholic. There is doubt that I have the right to complain about it or be unhappy about it. I sometimes wished he would do something really stupid like drink and drive or yell at me or push me or fall down the stairs or go to bars all the time or anything that would make him realize that his drinking has an affect on him and me. Currently he doesn't realise that. He does not see that there is a big lack of intimacy in our relationship. He comes from a disfunctional family and just sitting watching tv every night or weekend is normal for him and he does not see anything wrong about that.
But enough about him.
I just don't know where to go from here. I can't make up my mind if I want to live like this for the rest of my life or not. I know soon our DD will start picking up on his drinking as well. Who am I kidding. She already is. She has started to act differently towards him if he is no longer sober, when he is in that first stage of loosing a bit of control over his movements, that first glassy look in his eyes. Thankfully she has never seen him past this stage. (yet. I know this is just a question of time.)
I love my AH. I want him to get sober and healthy. I want us to add to our family. I want to be able to look at my husband sleeping and not feel disgust. Where is my magic wand?
I am at a point where I feel I have to make a decision. Either stay or leave. But if I stay I feel I can't always complain about his drinking or him or feel bad or doubt him. Because then I should not have stayed but have left.
It does not make it easier that all my family lives on a different continent and that if I leave that's where I am heading.
Thank you. I will definitely stick around.
There is no doubt in my mind that my husband is an alcoholic. There is doubt that I have the right to complain about it or be unhappy about it. I sometimes wished he would do something really stupid like drink and drive or yell at me or push me or fall down the stairs or go to bars all the time or anything that would make him realize that his drinking has an affect on him and me. Currently he doesn't realise that. He does not see that there is a big lack of intimacy in our relationship. He comes from a disfunctional family and just sitting watching tv every night or weekend is normal for him and he does not see anything wrong about that.
But enough about him.
I just don't know where to go from here. I can't make up my mind if I want to live like this for the rest of my life or not. I know soon our DD will start picking up on his drinking as well. Who am I kidding. She already is. She has started to act differently towards him if he is no longer sober, when he is in that first stage of loosing a bit of control over his movements, that first glassy look in his eyes. Thankfully she has never seen him past this stage. (yet. I know this is just a question of time.)
I love my AH. I want him to get sober and healthy. I want us to add to our family. I want to be able to look at my husband sleeping and not feel disgust. Where is my magic wand?
I am at a point where I feel I have to make a decision. Either stay or leave. But if I stay I feel I can't always complain about his drinking or him or feel bad or doubt him. Because then I should not have stayed but have left.
It does not make it easier that all my family lives on a different continent and that if I leave that's where I am heading.
Thank you. I will definitely stick around.
My AH also comes from a dysfunctional family. My AH is excatly like his dad. He learned this behavior. I feel it is my job to break the cycle. Sounds like with your AH it is the same thing. I also now see I have a lot of qualities that my AH mother n law has. She has set the example for her sons that it's okay to treat a women like this because she let my father n law treat her just as my AH/her son treats me. Do you want your kids to think that it is okay to live this way? I know I don't want mine to. I am just not ready at this point to take that final leap. I am working towards it though.
I love my AH and hate my AH. I wish he was heatlhy, but he is not. He knows I don't approve of his drinking, but he still does it.
I cannot make him healthy. I only have control over myself. YOU cannot change him. You can only change yourself and your behavior. You need to remember that.
Also, as I have been really trying to look at my situation from an outsiders perception and also from my childs eyes. What do they see. How is it impacting my children.
I am starting to see that is impacting my children more than I realized. It is also setting an example that this type of behavior from both my AH and myself is "normal"
Is that tha message you want to send to your child?
I suggest you see a counselor or talk to someone. When I first started posting on SR I was told by many. Do not threaten to leave. If you are going to leave then be ready to stand strong and not back down. That's why I am taking small steps. To get myself ready to hold to my decision.
I wish you the best. I know it's hard.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 64
Canuckch,
Welcome from one canuck to another. I am fairly new to this site too. I see we also share the same hometown :-) When I first started dating my AH, even though we often drank together, I was sometimes bothered by the amount he was consuming although I couldn't see any obvious consequences of his drinking at the time. When I brought up his drinking, he usually rationalized it or minimized it and I often ended up feeling like I was making a big deal out of nothing. Fast forward 27 years later and we have three teenage sons, ages 18, 16 and 14 and I am about to ask him to leave or obtain a court order forcing him to leave after having endured many many years of unacceptable behaviour. I realize now that I should have listened to my instincts so many years ago that something was wrong. It certainly sounds like your AH is dependent on alcohol and even if it seems like there are no "real" consequences to his drinking, they may just be lurking beneath the surface. Maybe if he wasn't drinking he would want to do something else besides watch tv or maybe he would want more intimacy in your relationship. I think you should ask yourself how his drinking may be hindering his relationship with you?
I have found lots of support here and encourage you to continue reading and posting !
Welcome from one canuck to another. I am fairly new to this site too. I see we also share the same hometown :-) When I first started dating my AH, even though we often drank together, I was sometimes bothered by the amount he was consuming although I couldn't see any obvious consequences of his drinking at the time. When I brought up his drinking, he usually rationalized it or minimized it and I often ended up feeling like I was making a big deal out of nothing. Fast forward 27 years later and we have three teenage sons, ages 18, 16 and 14 and I am about to ask him to leave or obtain a court order forcing him to leave after having endured many many years of unacceptable behaviour. I realize now that I should have listened to my instincts so many years ago that something was wrong. It certainly sounds like your AH is dependent on alcohol and even if it seems like there are no "real" consequences to his drinking, they may just be lurking beneath the surface. Maybe if he wasn't drinking he would want to do something else besides watch tv or maybe he would want more intimacy in your relationship. I think you should ask yourself how his drinking may be hindering his relationship with you?
I have found lots of support here and encourage you to continue reading and posting !
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