Please i need help!! very long
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: texas
Posts: 10
Please i need help!! very long
Hi all,
I am new to this and i hope I'm doing this right!!!!
I am unsure were to start? Its hard to fit 14 yrs into this e-mail. I have a friend well a some what friend that is in over her head and doesn't seem to care to get out of it. She has a 7 yr old son. That for the most part i keep while shes at work. To her I'm the baby sitter. I have been caring for him since he was 3yrs old. I have one Rule and she can not pick him up when shes been drinking. Well shes turned that into when shes drunk. I had a huge argument with her last night and it got way out of hand. She told me that she was fine and she had only had 2 or 3 beers and a few shots (in less than 2 hours) and that she even if pulled over would be fine. I could smell her from across my room. she makes the excuse that she works in a bar of course shes going to smell like beer. Well to me there is a clear difference in the smell of fresh beer smelt on you and the smell of it on your breath. HA!! but I'm the dumb ass. I have to help this little boy and i cant/wont call her in to anyone. I am so lost. And I'm not even sure shell let me have him back EVER!!!! I know its hard dealing with someone that drinks, and that they are never wrong, but how do I get her to wake up.. I am having trouble with my kids over this too. She tells them shell take them with her and then i have to be the bad guy and tell them no. My son is 10 so I just told him the truth. that he can not go in the car with her when shes drinking, but my baby girl 5 does not understand why and I'm the bad guy when i say no. I will not be the bad guy to my own kids anymore. I have to stop this and i just don't know how to? How do you reason with a alcoholic?? If anyone has any ideas please
.... Thank you all for listing to me ramble. Have a good day..
Best Wishes
R:praying
I am new to this and i hope I'm doing this right!!!!
I am unsure were to start? Its hard to fit 14 yrs into this e-mail. I have a friend well a some what friend that is in over her head and doesn't seem to care to get out of it. She has a 7 yr old son. That for the most part i keep while shes at work. To her I'm the baby sitter. I have been caring for him since he was 3yrs old. I have one Rule and she can not pick him up when shes been drinking. Well shes turned that into when shes drunk. I had a huge argument with her last night and it got way out of hand. She told me that she was fine and she had only had 2 or 3 beers and a few shots (in less than 2 hours) and that she even if pulled over would be fine. I could smell her from across my room. she makes the excuse that she works in a bar of course shes going to smell like beer. Well to me there is a clear difference in the smell of fresh beer smelt on you and the smell of it on your breath. HA!! but I'm the dumb ass. I have to help this little boy and i cant/wont call her in to anyone. I am so lost. And I'm not even sure shell let me have him back EVER!!!! I know its hard dealing with someone that drinks, and that they are never wrong, but how do I get her to wake up.. I am having trouble with my kids over this too. She tells them shell take them with her and then i have to be the bad guy and tell them no. My son is 10 so I just told him the truth. that he can not go in the car with her when shes drinking, but my baby girl 5 does not understand why and I'm the bad guy when i say no. I will not be the bad guy to my own kids anymore. I have to stop this and i just don't know how to? How do you reason with a alcoholic?? If anyone has any ideas please
.... Thank you all for listing to me ramble. Have a good day..Best Wishes
R:praying
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: texas
Posts: 10
I cant call anyone. Cps, cops, because i dont know how!! what i mean by that is that I dont know how to put that line between our friend ship and help the baby! I still fill like i can handle this withlout having to do that! I HOPE.. i know how stupid that sounds but there has to be a way I can help with out doing that.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
No, reasoning with an alcoholic is impossible or difficult at best.
And I have to ask why too? Is it better to do the right thing and risk the loss of the friendship, or to put a child's life at risk?
Originally Posted by alostFriend78 
I have to help this little boy and i cant/wont call her in to anyone.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
That little one deserves a voice....deserves to be protected. How can a 7-year-old protect himself from his alcoholic mother. Please consider which is more important: this boys very well-being or your friendship with his mother who is an active alcoholic?
If it were me, I would call Child Protective Services.....you might even be able to do it without your name being revealed to your friend.
Good luck, hugs, and prayers, HG
If it were me, I would call Child Protective Services.....you might even be able to do it without your name being revealed to your friend.
Good luck, hugs, and prayers, HG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: texas
Posts: 10
Is there no other way to try first. IS that the only way to help him. Is there another way to slap her in the face with the facts? I am not trying to be difficult guys. I just want to be sure that i have tryed everything i can first.
I left out that she has told me to just take him away if i thought she was that bad.. Would it actually work? does she mean that?
I left out that she has told me to just take him away if i thought she was that bad.. Would it actually work? does she mean that?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: texas
Posts: 10
I am his voice! I have done so much for him, and to me i am turning over my child to her. AND I am scarded to death that shes going to kill him on a bindge... I have been protecting him for years its know that its getting out of my control!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
It is impossible to get her to change.
Impossible.
Nothing you do or say will change the fact that she is an alcoholic. She is also an adult, and is making her own choices.
Me? I would not allow myself to be put in the middle of this. It's a stressful, unfair situation for you and for your kids. If she wants to get herself and her child killed, she is going to do it...he's not with you 24/7, and he's not yours. I know that's really, really sad, but it's true. The only question is whether you want a front row seat to it or not.
For me, the life of that kid would be worth more than the "friendship" with this self-absorbed person, and it sounds like it is to you. I would consider telling her this: If she picks him up and you think she's been drinking, you will call the police and have her stopped. THEY can decide whether she's drunk or not. If she's really not, hey, no harm done, right?
Good luck. Remember: you cannot get her to see the light through some magical combination of words and deeds. It isn't one of the things you can control.
Impossible.
Nothing you do or say will change the fact that she is an alcoholic. She is also an adult, and is making her own choices.
Me? I would not allow myself to be put in the middle of this. It's a stressful, unfair situation for you and for your kids. If she wants to get herself and her child killed, she is going to do it...he's not with you 24/7, and he's not yours. I know that's really, really sad, but it's true. The only question is whether you want a front row seat to it or not.
For me, the life of that kid would be worth more than the "friendship" with this self-absorbed person, and it sounds like it is to you. I would consider telling her this: If she picks him up and you think she's been drinking, you will call the police and have her stopped. THEY can decide whether she's drunk or not. If she's really not, hey, no harm done, right?
Good luck. Remember: you cannot get her to see the light through some magical combination of words and deeds. It isn't one of the things you can control.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Have you tried to reason with her before? Has she EVER LISTENED to anything you have said? Really? Addicts will do whatever it takes to continue their relationship with their drug of choice (doc). They do not love or respect themselves and will never accept the truth of their behavior until THEY are ready to do so.
You have the choice to do nothing, try to talk to her again (doesn't seem as though that has worked at all), or do something to protect the child.
I do not know what the laws are in Texas, but I doubt that you could just "take away the child" without any legal means. Perhaps the CPS folk will give you temporary custody if that is what you would like. It certainly sounds as though you care very much for this precious little boy.
Good luck with your decision. Keep coming back, keep posting, keep reading.....
Hugs and prayers, HG
You have the choice to do nothing, try to talk to her again (doesn't seem as though that has worked at all), or do something to protect the child.
I do not know what the laws are in Texas, but I doubt that you could just "take away the child" without any legal means. Perhaps the CPS folk will give you temporary custody if that is what you would like. It certainly sounds as though you care very much for this precious little boy.
Good luck with your decision. Keep coming back, keep posting, keep reading.....
Hugs and prayers, HG
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
You have no legal right to the child, so while she may allow you to take him - know that you cannot keep her away and she can and will manipulate you and the child.
You cannot reason with her, you cannot convince her. Period.
You cannot reason with her, you cannot convince her. Period.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((ALostFriend)))))
Welcome to SR. You have found a GREAT place with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H). I am glad you found us, but sorry for the reasons you had to.
I too have to ask WHY? What she is doing, driving drunk with son in car is CHILD ENDANGERMENT!
As to how do you reason with an alcoholic? You don't. No matter what you say they will have an answer of some kind and be in denial. I too would risk her friendship to save the life of the child. If you still have doubts, go over to our Adult Child of and Alcoholic - Addict forum and see how the addiction affects the child into Adult Hood.
It is not just the 'driving drunk.' It is the environment that child has to live in, with a mother who is drunk. At 7 years old, that little boy is already going to need MAJOR counseling.
Please think this through .......................... your post shows how much you care about the boy and his mother ................................ by calling CPS it may just be the 'bottom' his mother needs to get treatment for herself.
J M H O
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
Welcome to SR. You have found a GREAT place with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H). I am glad you found us, but sorry for the reasons you had to.
I have to help this little boy and i cant/wont call her in to anyone............................................ .............How do you reason with a alcoholic??
As to how do you reason with an alcoholic? You don't. No matter what you say they will have an answer of some kind and be in denial. I too would risk her friendship to save the life of the child. If you still have doubts, go over to our Adult Child of and Alcoholic - Addict forum and see how the addiction affects the child into Adult Hood.
It is not just the 'driving drunk.' It is the environment that child has to live in, with a mother who is drunk. At 7 years old, that little boy is already going to need MAJOR counseling.
Please think this through .......................... your post shows how much you care about the boy and his mother ................................ by calling CPS it may just be the 'bottom' his mother needs to get treatment for herself.
J M H O
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: texas
Posts: 10
Thank you every one.. It looks like i have to do it!! I guess ill see what i can do about letting him stay with me through the system. I can wright her off. Its him i cant let go of. We have been so called friend for a long time, but its not a tye I care to keep. Its more trouble than me and mine need. BUT ITS the stability of my family I cant take away from him. He need us. I am affraid they wont take him away and that nothing will change but my involvment in this!! Then who will protect him?
R
R
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I'm pretty sure you can call CPS and not give your name, or they won't reveal your name. She may never tell you that CPS has become involved (if they don't take the child away from her), and in that case you would continue on as you are.
Another option is to call the police when she gets in her vehicle and you know she's been drinking.
Another option is to call the police when she gets in her vehicle and you know she's been drinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: texas
Posts: 10
Thats not how I ment to say that!!! so sorry , but what i ment is that I fill like I may be able to help both of them and if not he is my priority. It does sound like im trying to say her friendship means more but thats no it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: texas
Posts: 10
Thanks to every one for the help.. BUT it looks like I wont need it.. Its been 2 days and she hasnt called to bring me the baby!! I have worried about it so much and finally got a plan i could live with and then nothing.. haha. So much stress for nothing. I figure shell forgive and forget in a few more days and bring him back(i hope) and if she does then i have a plan. We will see? But thank to you all and best of luck to everyone...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: texas
Posts: 10
I am probably driving everyone nuts, and i am sorry but I am haveing a hell of a time not calling and finding out what shes done with her son.. I am just in nots thinking that she wont come back with him??? I know in my heart that me and my family would be better off, BUT then my heart tells me he is my family and im not protecting him.. 
so now what?? I know that shes selfish and that she will keep useing me because its worked so well for her up till know, but I called her out as a bad mother and that may be the breaking point of her relashionship using me... I cant help him if hes not here!
R
so now what?? I know that shes selfish and that she will keep useing me because its worked so well for her up till know, but I called her out as a bad mother and that may be the breaking point of her relashionship using me... I cant help him if hes not here!R
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
If it were me, I'd call CPS and inform them of the situation even if she isn't currently calling you: You could say that you know this woman drinks and drives her child around. That she drinks around him, and that he isn't supervised properly much of the time. And whatever else you know is true about the case.
Actually, I'd have a moral and legal obligation to report any child abuse or neglect (drinking and driving your child around is both abuse and neglect, in most states). Why wait to report it until she calls you? You can give your name if you wish and tell them you are willing to take the child if they seize him during the investigation. The woman may very well ask this if and when CPS worker asks if there is anyone he can stay with while she goes to treatment?
A lot of us have gotten clean/sober as a result of wanting to get our children back. It is a bottom for many moms. It may be for your friend, also. Remember if you can that she is a sick person, not a bad person. But I couldn't allow this to be unreported if I thought it was still going on (and all indications are that it is).
Love,
KJ
Actually, I'd have a moral and legal obligation to report any child abuse or neglect (drinking and driving your child around is both abuse and neglect, in most states). Why wait to report it until she calls you? You can give your name if you wish and tell them you are willing to take the child if they seize him during the investigation. The woman may very well ask this if and when CPS worker asks if there is anyone he can stay with while she goes to treatment?
A lot of us have gotten clean/sober as a result of wanting to get our children back. It is a bottom for many moms. It may be for your friend, also. Remember if you can that she is a sick person, not a bad person. But I couldn't allow this to be unreported if I thought it was still going on (and all indications are that it is).
Love,
KJ
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
My bottom was when I crashed my car with my 8 year old daughter in the car. I have been sober 15 months since the day that happened. Please do not let this be her bottom.
Do something NOW!
Do something NOW!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
