justsad

Hi. My AH husband seems to have come to the point where he is willing to accept help and admit he has a problem (after rolling his car several times a couple nights ago...luckily was wearing his seatbelt an no other cars involved). He is being very humble about it, which I see as a good sign. We are going to see a drug counselor tomorrow (well, he is...i'm just going for the ride). Can any one offer any suggestions as to ways I can be supportive of someone in this position? I want to help in his recovery, obviously, but I'm not sure how much I should talk or not talk about it, etc. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. thanks

blessed4x

I would say the best thing you can do is get yourself to an Alanon meeting, and possibly a counselor experienced in working with addictions/codependency. You will learn how to take care of you and keep your hands off his recovery (that's the hard part).

Awesome that he is ready to seek help. Remember that it is a LONG road, not to be traveled by the faint of heart. Pretty cool that you are open to finding out the best way to help him, which ironically is helping you....and if you follow the advice you'll get in Alanon you will benefit in ways you never imagined. It's a tried and true method that's been working for thousands of folks for decades.

Pelican

Did you make the appointment with the counselor or did he?
If he is serious about recovery, then you need to step back and let him take control of his own recovery. That includes getting himself and appointment and getting himself to the appointment. He needs to take responsibility. He does not need to be mothered or babysat. His best source of support will be other recovering alcoholics in a program like AA.

You can only take care of yourself. Have you started reading any of the books listed in the classic reading section? This would be a good place for you to begin your own recovery work.

MissFixit

Hi,

In my experience with an exabf of 4 years, I babysat whithout realizing that is what I was doing. It was teh exact wrong thing to do as he became dependant on me for rides, lost the desire to figure out his own riding situation (he lost his license several years back) and became angry later down the road when I either couldn't or wouldn't drive him somewhere. Alcoholism is pretty tricky. Some of the stuff we think that "good" people do for others is some of the "stuff" that enables the A's. They want it, we want to git it to them, but unfortuantely it helps to perpetuate the disease. However, we are not in control of others' drinking! We didn't cause it, and we cannot cure it.

When I was in your shoes, I wish that I read Melodie Beatties Codependant No More, posted here, attended al anon and talked with an individual counsellor. I have done all of these things since we broke up, but I think I wouldn't be as messed up now if I understood what I was dealing with years ago. Just my 2 cents.

Good for you for coming here, there are centuries (combined) of experience on this forum.

Keep Posting,

Miss

justsad

Well, I made the phone call for the appointment, but he did the talking to the assesment/appointment person. He has a bad hand so it is hard for him to dial (haha good excuse right?). He has been "treated" before so thinks he "knows it all", but he has been reaching out for help the last couple days so that is good...i think he knows that he really needs to get sober and stay sober this time... he was drinking during his lunch breaks at work, and before work, and they found out, so he has no more chances again. If he even looks like he LOOKED AT alcohol he will lose his job (and our family's health insurance). I really want to help him find the help he needs...whether through AA or sober friends or ?? I dont drink at all so its not like that's a problem... but most of his friends do (musicians...) .... hopefully he can meet some sober friends through AA. That would be good. Thank you for any replies/ advice they are greatly appreciated

fluffyflea

Pick up a copy of co-dependent no more by melody beattie and go to some alanon meetings.

Ngaire

Freedom1990

I agree. The best support I can be to anyone is to work on my own recovery, and give them the dignity to work through their own stuff.

Mark75

I am the RAH. I went to rehab and when I came back I wanted to talk about it all the time, she didn't... That was OK and understandable, I was going through huge changes which I didn't, many I still don't, and she wanted to get back to our lives, which was OK and understandable.

Yes, mostly just worry about yourself. Lots of good suggestions above.

One thing you might help with... Recovery is a program of rigorous honesty. If he seems to be having selective memory or minimizes/justifies/rationalizes... help him, gently but firmly, see the truth for himself, not yours so much, but his... Follow his lead, don't feel you should bring anything up, let him. If he is following a program of recovery, not just abstinance, he will.

Hope that makes some sense.... When I am having moments of non-clarity or think that I wasn't "that bad"... my wife is good at giving me a reality check. She does so without malice or anger.... I am lucky. That is her contribution... that and lots of patience.

Mark

Still Waters

Good advice Mark

My AH came out of rehab knowing it all, including that the problem was all me...

Mark75

hmmm... Was he listening? Is he now?

Mark

Still Waters

Oh, he had no intention of looking any deeper than he had to "play the game"- he was sending me nasty letters from rehab. I didn't "get it" etc.

Then the mental and emotional abuse got worse about 6 months after he got out. And hasn't abated since I left.

I'd have to say, he's not listening

HoopNinja

I agree with all of the above. STBXAH decided to take campral to cut down on his drinking. He went to a counselor (goes once a MONTH) to help him sort out some of the issues he has with his family. He went to treatment once and yep, it was me who called and went on my own and he followed. But they said they were done with him and he needed to start working on himself and they could do nothing if he was not going to. And that is still is where he is today.

Abstinence does not equal recovery. STBXAH has been white knuckling it while at home but I now know he is drinking when he is not home. But that not drinking at home has caused him to be cranky, irritable and hostile toward me and the kids. I've seen this cycle so I left last week. He is not in treatment and if he was serious about wanting to be part of the family he would be.

Also, um, does he always have you dial the phone for him He is a big boy and can make his own phone calls.

Take care of yourself and I agree about the Melanie Beattie books--check them out from the library (I was amazed at home many copies they had in circulation!) After reading a few I bought them so I could bring them out again when I really need to. AlAnon and here are the best places for you right now. Take care of you and let AH take care of him. My older DS last night told me I was supposed be taking care of AH just like I take care of older and younger DSs :wtf2 Not sure where he got that idea. . .I told him Daddy was a big boy and could take care of himself. It was my job to take care of them and me.

Chrysalis123

I wanted to help too....unfortunately I ended up getting myself on his side of the street and poked my nose into what he should have been doing. I was so used to doing 95% of everything that my sense of what healthy relationships were was wrong. I went to counseling with a counselor that was an addictions specialist (I don't drink either.....but come to find out I was a raging codependent) I also went to Alanon which I found comforting and instructive in my own recovery.

I learned that I can only help myself find help. I learned to put my kids needs and my needs first and really take care of myself first. I learned he had to take charge of his own recovery, it would like what he wanted it to be, and I had to find a way to accept that...whatever it looked like....in order to find serenity for myself.

Chrysalis123

I wanted to help too....unfortunately I ended up getting myself on his side of the street and poked my nose into what he should have been doing. I was so used to doing 95% of everything that my sense of what healthy relationships were was wrong. I went to counseling with a counselor that was an addictions specialist (I don't drink either.....but come to find out I was a raging codependent) I also went to Alanon which I found comforting and instructive in my own recovery.

I learned that I can only help myself find help. I learned to put my kids needs and my needs first and really take care of myself first. I learned he had to take charge of his own recovery, it would like what he wanted it to be, and I had to find a way to accept that...whatever it looked like....in order to find serenity for myself.