New from 9Iron
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 61
New from 9Iron
Hey gang, I'm back!
I haven't posted in some time so I thought I owed it to some others that helped me to let them know how I'm doing. In reality, I owe it to myself to post here, because someday I'm going to look back at all of my posts to see how I've gotten wherever I'm going. Whatever. People that have read my previous posts have heard that I struggled with, amung other things: determining whether or not I was an alcoholic, if my wife still loved me, what I should do about the sudden realization of just how crappy we have treated each other over the years, how to deal with the time commitment of treatment and balance work and family life, and lack of communications and intimacy in our relationship. Whew.
My wife is now coming up on 90 days sober, and I am closing in on 90 days with a sober wife. Hasn't been easy on either of us getting to know new people; either those that we happen to be or happen to be married to. I'll say right now, I don't have this whole thing figured out, far from it, I have more questions every day. Right now, though, today, things are pretty good. That's why I'm writing. I don't want to come to this board every time I have a beef or question or psychotic blow up. It feels good posting just to post, because I have a spare 15 minutes, not in crisis, to just say what's going on. If you want to read on without drama, please do.
The most difficult thing for me to get used to is the lack of drama. We don't have the highs and lows that we used to. We don't fight and argue like we used to, we don't make love like we used to. We are simply there. Now, we have three kids so both are somewhat impractical at best and incredibly detrimental at worst, but neither are there right now. In some ways, it's like having a giant wart removed from the tip of your nose, you don't really miss it but definitely realize its not there anymore. In other ways, maybe its that wart that made you who you are, and without it are you really a different person? I don't know. Was the drink the cause of our arguments or the catalyst to bring the arguments out of us? I must admit that I miss arguing with her. It gives a relationship a chance to clear the air. Surely there's some things that I do to **** her off, I can hear the silence when there used to be outrage. I hope we figure out a way to clear the air again, but for now its better than it used to be.
We went to the treatment centers summer picnic yesterday. They invited families along, it was fun, they had a cookout, a clown, water balloons, deserts, etc. Its a big program, and the wife and I actually had a laugh playing "guess the drunkard", ie who's in the program and who's family. We're both sure that as fun as it is, there are those that it would have been a lot of fun to have met back in their using days. We're doubly sure some not so much, some people are just idiots whether they are using or not.
The wife is feeling very good and strong about her decision to not drink anymore. Last weekend we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary out to dinner and a hotel for the night. The waitress knew it was our anniversary and offered us a complimentary glass of campaign. No big deal, but we chose complimentary dessert instead. She said me having a glass of wine would be fine and wouldn't bother her, so I did. It wasn't a big deal, so I choose not to make that a bigger deal than it needs to be.
We made love that night. It is a rare occasion that we do these days so that is a big deal. There are days that I don't know if she loves me anymore, even going back to before she stopped drinking. I fully realize that you can have sex without being in love with someone, but I don't know that you can make love. Some may be rolling their eyes, but with all of the changes we have been going through over the past little while, that puts my head on straight again for a few weeks to refocus on the marriage.
As far as I'm concerned, I've been seeing a counselor and come to terms with my drinking. I am not an alcoholic, but could become one if I am not careful. I don't drink to excess once I have one, I'm good with a beer or two then turning it off. I used to drink more than that, maybe out of habit, maybe to keep up with my wife, maybe because I was becoming an alcoholic. Whatever the reason, I'm not doing that anymore. Maybe I will again, I don't know, but as long as I don't today that's all I can ask for. I think I had to examine my own drinking in order to be able to relate to my wife's situation. I'm glad I did.
All in all, things are better as I was promised. I heard from more than one person that things would be better with my wife's sobriety, whether we make it through it together or not. I rejected that at the time, as I reject it now. If we don't make it through together then we didn't make it through. For some of you reading this, this is my situation not yours so I make no judgments and neither should you. Some are better off not together, that's not for me to decide. Personally, I decided at some point that we are better off staying together and if we are not able to do that I will consider that failure. But tonight I'm not thinking about failure, or success for that matter. I'm just writing down where I'm at in the journey. Thanks for reading.
I haven't posted in some time so I thought I owed it to some others that helped me to let them know how I'm doing. In reality, I owe it to myself to post here, because someday I'm going to look back at all of my posts to see how I've gotten wherever I'm going. Whatever. People that have read my previous posts have heard that I struggled with, amung other things: determining whether or not I was an alcoholic, if my wife still loved me, what I should do about the sudden realization of just how crappy we have treated each other over the years, how to deal with the time commitment of treatment and balance work and family life, and lack of communications and intimacy in our relationship. Whew.
My wife is now coming up on 90 days sober, and I am closing in on 90 days with a sober wife. Hasn't been easy on either of us getting to know new people; either those that we happen to be or happen to be married to. I'll say right now, I don't have this whole thing figured out, far from it, I have more questions every day. Right now, though, today, things are pretty good. That's why I'm writing. I don't want to come to this board every time I have a beef or question or psychotic blow up. It feels good posting just to post, because I have a spare 15 minutes, not in crisis, to just say what's going on. If you want to read on without drama, please do.
The most difficult thing for me to get used to is the lack of drama. We don't have the highs and lows that we used to. We don't fight and argue like we used to, we don't make love like we used to. We are simply there. Now, we have three kids so both are somewhat impractical at best and incredibly detrimental at worst, but neither are there right now. In some ways, it's like having a giant wart removed from the tip of your nose, you don't really miss it but definitely realize its not there anymore. In other ways, maybe its that wart that made you who you are, and without it are you really a different person? I don't know. Was the drink the cause of our arguments or the catalyst to bring the arguments out of us? I must admit that I miss arguing with her. It gives a relationship a chance to clear the air. Surely there's some things that I do to **** her off, I can hear the silence when there used to be outrage. I hope we figure out a way to clear the air again, but for now its better than it used to be.
We went to the treatment centers summer picnic yesterday. They invited families along, it was fun, they had a cookout, a clown, water balloons, deserts, etc. Its a big program, and the wife and I actually had a laugh playing "guess the drunkard", ie who's in the program and who's family. We're both sure that as fun as it is, there are those that it would have been a lot of fun to have met back in their using days. We're doubly sure some not so much, some people are just idiots whether they are using or not.
The wife is feeling very good and strong about her decision to not drink anymore. Last weekend we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary out to dinner and a hotel for the night. The waitress knew it was our anniversary and offered us a complimentary glass of campaign. No big deal, but we chose complimentary dessert instead. She said me having a glass of wine would be fine and wouldn't bother her, so I did. It wasn't a big deal, so I choose not to make that a bigger deal than it needs to be.
We made love that night. It is a rare occasion that we do these days so that is a big deal. There are days that I don't know if she loves me anymore, even going back to before she stopped drinking. I fully realize that you can have sex without being in love with someone, but I don't know that you can make love. Some may be rolling their eyes, but with all of the changes we have been going through over the past little while, that puts my head on straight again for a few weeks to refocus on the marriage.
As far as I'm concerned, I've been seeing a counselor and come to terms with my drinking. I am not an alcoholic, but could become one if I am not careful. I don't drink to excess once I have one, I'm good with a beer or two then turning it off. I used to drink more than that, maybe out of habit, maybe to keep up with my wife, maybe because I was becoming an alcoholic. Whatever the reason, I'm not doing that anymore. Maybe I will again, I don't know, but as long as I don't today that's all I can ask for. I think I had to examine my own drinking in order to be able to relate to my wife's situation. I'm glad I did.
All in all, things are better as I was promised. I heard from more than one person that things would be better with my wife's sobriety, whether we make it through it together or not. I rejected that at the time, as I reject it now. If we don't make it through together then we didn't make it through. For some of you reading this, this is my situation not yours so I make no judgments and neither should you. Some are better off not together, that's not for me to decide. Personally, I decided at some point that we are better off staying together and if we are not able to do that I will consider that failure. But tonight I'm not thinking about failure, or success for that matter. I'm just writing down where I'm at in the journey. Thanks for reading.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,917
Hey 9Iron! Good to see you again. Sounds like things are pretty much on schedule to me. These things take time and although 90 days sounds like a good amount of time, it is still considered very early sobriety. Try not to have any expectations right now. Sounds like she's doing good with the not drinking and working her program. Just hang in there and support her and give it time. You're doing a pretty good job of being supportive already. Hang in there and I'll bet things will get even better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
9Iron, thanks SO much for updating us. I was just thinking about you yesterday, remembering some of the crazy thoughts/plans you've shared with us, and hoping you were okay.
Sounds like things are better for you - insofar as you're not ready to climb the walls today. Slow, steady progress toward a life you want...not much more we can ask.
gl
Sounds like things are better for you - insofar as you're not ready to climb the walls today. Slow, steady progress toward a life you want...not much more we can ask.
gl
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