What do I say when he drinks?
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What do I say when he drinks?
Need help knowing what to say when he tells me he's been drinking, without enabling him or making the situation worse.
He has admitted repeatedly that he's an alcoholic but has yet to get help for it. He is tonight using the fact that his mother is having heart surgery in the morning as an excuse. I understand how stressed he is but, of course, that doesn't make it okay.
He has admitted repeatedly that he's an alcoholic but has yet to get help for it. He is tonight using the fact that his mother is having heart surgery in the morning as an excuse. I understand how stressed he is but, of course, that doesn't make it okay.
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you'd might as well stand mute.... cause Honey, nothing, absolutely nothing you could say will make any difference, or do any good to change him.
I speak from experience (as many can here), I tried yelling, begging, pleading, compassion, guidance, listening, silence, and ignoring him. Nothing I did changed him.
You time is better spent tending to yourself and your needs, dreams, and goals.
I speak from experience (as many can here), I tried yelling, begging, pleading, compassion, guidance, listening, silence, and ignoring him. Nothing I did changed him.
You time is better spent tending to yourself and your needs, dreams, and goals.
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Originally Posted by MissFixit 
Without knowing your situation, can you walk away?
However, this has not reached a point where I'm walking away. Might it get to that point? Certainly, but not yet.
We're in the beginning stages of this process (truthfully, I'm further along than he is, since he has yet to take the initiative to get help) and I'm trying to do the best job that I can for him. I know that at times that will mean that I do nothing at all. But when he tells me (via phone or text message) that he has been drinking, what do I say? I don't want to overreact or underreact.
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"He is tonight using the fact that his mother is having heart surgery in the morning as an excuse." Is he saying this is an excuse or a reason? I would say from being the guy who did the drinking that there is a big difference between the two. I would say that if he isn't violent or attacking you...just let him go thru his emotions...He doesn't have the tools to do it any other way right now...and heart surgery is a heavy heavy thing. Maybe tell him that...You understand...He knows that it isn't ok.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
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Welcome to SR pepgirl!
If you mean you are further along because you have stepped away from the alcohol, good on you!
If he knows that you have stepped away from alcohol, he may be trying to push you into a position that will justify more drinking on his behalf.
By reacting to his drinking, he will say that you weren't supporting him - so he needs to get bombed.
By not reacting to his drinking, he will say that you weren't supporting him - so he needs to get bombed.
By supporting him in his drinking, he will need to reward himself for being honest - and needs to get bombed.
You see a pattern here? You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
He wants to drink. He will use any excuse to drink.
You're not powerful enough to cause him to drink or stop drinking. Take care of yourself.
If you mean you are further along because you have stepped away from the alcohol, good on you!
If he knows that you have stepped away from alcohol, he may be trying to push you into a position that will justify more drinking on his behalf.
By reacting to his drinking, he will say that you weren't supporting him - so he needs to get bombed.
By not reacting to his drinking, he will say that you weren't supporting him - so he needs to get bombed.
By supporting him in his drinking, he will need to reward himself for being honest - and needs to get bombed.
You see a pattern here? You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
He wants to drink. He will use any excuse to drink.
You're not powerful enough to cause him to drink or stop drinking. Take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Pep,
I meant can you walk away from the conversation? Not get into condoning or blaming him. Simply say oh and leave the room or get off the phone.
As for long run, you might want to explore what you want from a relationship.
I meant can you walk away from the conversation? Not get into condoning or blaming him. Simply say oh and leave the room or get off the phone.
As for long run, you might want to explore what you want from a relationship.
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Originally Posted by MrOsaka
"He is tonight using the fact that his mother is having heart surgery in the morning as an excuse." Is he saying this is an excuse or a reason? I would say from being the guy who did the drinking that there is a big difference between the two. I would say that if he isn't violent or attacking you...just let him go thru his emotions...He doesn't have the tools to do it any other way right now...and heart surgery is a heavy heavy thing. Maybe tell him that...You understand...He knows that it isn't ok.
I told him earlier that I was disappointed. He then called and said that he isn't getting drunk (I'm not there with him but his attitude changes so drastically when he drinks WAY too much that I can tell) and I believe him. One of the first things he said was, "It's not like I'm getting drunk." I told him I knew that and I understood why he was drinking. I thought of how serious an issue this is (I love his mom and am worried about her, as well) and told him I didn't want to talk about it tonight and that he needed to stay focused on his mom.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
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Why is he telling you? Does he want to get you hooked and start an argument? Does he want sympathy?
Have you been to Alanon? I found that by going to meetings and sharing my story, I was able to find the way that was best for me to cope with living with my A. Ultimately I couldn't do it any more, but the majority of the people at the meeting stayed in their relationships and are doing fantastic. It was after I started attending Alanon regularly that my XAH finally decided to go to AA, although that wasn't the reason I went.
Have you been to Alanon? I found that by going to meetings and sharing my story, I was able to find the way that was best for me to cope with living with my A. Ultimately I couldn't do it any more, but the majority of the people at the meeting stayed in their relationships and are doing fantastic. It was after I started attending Alanon regularly that my XAH finally decided to go to AA, although that wasn't the reason I went.
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"It's not like I'm getting drunk."...This is denial and I would call him on it when he is sober and you two talk about the situation...
"I told him I didn't want to talk about it tonight and that he needed to stay focused on his mom."...This seems like the most appropriate response for the time being so try to get some rest...Remember his emotions are not yours. Just my opinion...hope it helps.
"I told him I didn't want to talk about it tonight and that he needed to stay focused on his mom."...This seems like the most appropriate response for the time being so try to get some rest...Remember his emotions are not yours. Just my opinion...hope it helps.
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Originally Posted by Pelican
Welcome to SR pepgirl!
If you mean you are further along because you have stepped away from the alcohol, good on you!
If he knows that you have stepped away from alcohol, he may be trying to push you into a position that will justify more drinking on his behalf.
By reacting to his drinking, he will say that you weren't supporting him - so he needs to get bombed.
By not reacting to his drinking, he will say that you weren't supporting him - so he needs to get bombed.
By supporting him in his drinking, he will need to reward himself for being honest - and needs to get bombed.
You see a pattern here? You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
He wants to drink. He will use any excuse to drink.
You're not powerful enough to cause him to drink or stop drinking. Take care of yourself.
If you mean you are further along because you have stepped away from the alcohol, good on you!
If he knows that you have stepped away from alcohol, he may be trying to push you into a position that will justify more drinking on his behalf.
By reacting to his drinking, he will say that you weren't supporting him - so he needs to get bombed.
By not reacting to his drinking, he will say that you weren't supporting him - so he needs to get bombed.
By supporting him in his drinking, he will need to reward himself for being honest - and needs to get bombed.
You see a pattern here? You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
He wants to drink. He will use any excuse to drink.
You're not powerful enough to cause him to drink or stop drinking. Take care of yourself.
I totally get the excuses he will use to drink (I have a counselor for a mother and helped quiz her for her Master's) and do not accept any of them. I am fairly removed from it to an extent but, of course, the fact that we love each other keeps me in this as it wouldn't if it were a more casual relationship.
When we first met, he drank (mostly socially) and not to excess. I became his new high. When the newness wore off of me, he started drinking again. I know that I have done nothing to cause it and cannot stop it, I just want to (for however long I choose to remain with him) do the best I can to support him. If it comes to a point where I have to leave him behind, then so be it. But in the meantime, I want to play as supportive a role as possible without being overly involved. Help he gets simply because I "force" him into it isn't going to work. He has to come to that point on his own.
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Originally Posted by blessed4x
Why is he telling you? Does he want to get you hooked and start an argument? Does he want sympathy?
Have you been to Alanon? I found that by going to meetings and sharing my story, I was able to find the way that was best for me to cope with living with my A. Ultimately I couldn't do it any more, but the majority of the people at the meeting stayed in their relationships and are doing fantastic. It was after I started attending Alanon regularly that my XAH finally decided to go to AA, although that wasn't the reason I went.
Have you been to Alanon? I found that by going to meetings and sharing my story, I was able to find the way that was best for me to cope with living with my A. Ultimately I couldn't do it any more, but the majority of the people at the meeting stayed in their relationships and are doing fantastic. It was after I started attending Alanon regularly that my XAH finally decided to go to AA, although that wasn't the reason I went.
I have looked into meetings in my area for one that will work with my schedule (I'm a single mom).
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I thought of how serious an issue this is (I love his mom and am worried about her, as well) and told him I didn't want to talk about it tonight and that he needed to stay focused on his mom.
You are a wise lady.
I hope everything goes well with his mother.
You are a wise lady.
I hope everything goes well with his mother.
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Originally Posted by MissFixit
Pep,
I meant can you walk away from the conversation? Not get into condoning or blaming him. Simply say oh and leave the room or get off the phone.
As for long run, you might want to explore what you want from a relationship.
I meant can you walk away from the conversation? Not get into condoning or blaming him. Simply say oh and leave the room or get off the phone.
As for long run, you might want to explore what you want from a relationship.
I know my BF as a sober man, who works hard, loves me and is everything I could ever want. The alcohol is the only thing standing in the way of that. And I know that it's a BIG thing. Am I willing to do this for the rest of my life? No. I have myself and my son to think about (and he never gets drunk when my son is there) and he's a grown man. His parents have told me that the J I met and fell in love with is the one they've always known. And that is why I am still in this and will remain in it, until/unless it becomes clear (after more than just a couple of weeks) that he will never change.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Milton, WI
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Well, the only suggestion that I have to offer you is to take this opportunity to practice being compassionate. Firstly with yourself, and then with him.
Or to expand your capacity to love... first, love yourself, and then others.
or practice something wonderful and exciting and that you enjoy being regardless of what he is doing or not doing.
What are YOU doing?
This is where the focus can keep you centered and balanced, keep the focus off of him and his shortcomings, and step into being the bigger you that you are when fear is not presenting itself!
Much love and light to you!
~Cheryl
Or to expand your capacity to love... first, love yourself, and then others.
or practice something wonderful and exciting and that you enjoy being regardless of what he is doing or not doing.
What are YOU doing?
This is where the focus can keep you centered and balanced, keep the focus off of him and his shortcomings, and step into being the bigger you that you are when fear is not presenting itself!
Much love and light to you!
~Cheryl
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Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
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pepgirl-MyABF is in the throes of a binge and his excuse last week was that it was sooo hot out.My reaction-indifference possibly, to me, it was detaching from his drinking, from the chaos I knew would come and to keep as much chaos as I could from our home.
There's more going on there that he is letting on-heck, it could be the long hours he is working, the fact he is tapering of anti depressants, the fact he has to finally face the music about upaid fines for 2 DUIS that along with some good fines, cost him his license. Heck, the sky will be blue tomorrow, the sun will rise and he will still choose to drink.
Keep in mind, I'm pretty new at this and in the past, would have worried, cried, pleaded, begged for him to let me into his world of pain to ease it. I've been going to AL-Anon for a little while now (against his better judgement-I don't need it according to him) and through one rehab and now three binges, it's finally sinking in that I did not cause, nor can I control his drinking, nor can I cure it. All I can do is give him the dignity as a human being to live his life, make decisions as he sees fit.
When I saw this thread, it must have been serendipity that it was first on the list as I'm going through what you are right now. Tonight was classic-he tried his hardest to bait me into an argument, saying he did not like my "attitude." I told him that he had been spoiling for a fight but I was not giving in to that. Did that all last week and while it took every ounce of self control I had, detaching from the drinking but not the person helped me cope a lot better. I'm not saying it was perfect as this was the first time I had tried this but I guess from his persepctive, it's hard to hang around someone that will not be drawn into his chaos-again, he went out. I'm kind of uneasy, but a lot calmer that before and have Plan B in mind if things get crazy.
There was another thread here that you may find interesting - I have it bookmarked and have been a frequent reader of it.
Excuses Alcoholics Make
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lics-make.html
There's more going on there that he is letting on-heck, it could be the long hours he is working, the fact he is tapering of anti depressants, the fact he has to finally face the music about upaid fines for 2 DUIS that along with some good fines, cost him his license. Heck, the sky will be blue tomorrow, the sun will rise and he will still choose to drink.
Keep in mind, I'm pretty new at this and in the past, would have worried, cried, pleaded, begged for him to let me into his world of pain to ease it. I've been going to AL-Anon for a little while now (against his better judgement-I don't need it according to him) and through one rehab and now three binges, it's finally sinking in that I did not cause, nor can I control his drinking, nor can I cure it. All I can do is give him the dignity as a human being to live his life, make decisions as he sees fit.
When I saw this thread, it must have been serendipity that it was first on the list as I'm going through what you are right now. Tonight was classic-he tried his hardest to bait me into an argument, saying he did not like my "attitude." I told him that he had been spoiling for a fight but I was not giving in to that. Did that all last week and while it took every ounce of self control I had, detaching from the drinking but not the person helped me cope a lot better. I'm not saying it was perfect as this was the first time I had tried this but I guess from his persepctive, it's hard to hang around someone that will not be drawn into his chaos-again, he went out. I'm kind of uneasy, but a lot calmer that before and have Plan B in mind if things get crazy.
There was another thread here that you may find interesting - I have it bookmarked and have been a frequent reader of it.
Excuses Alcoholics Make
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lics-make.html
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Linkmeister.....a little tip I learned from my counselor. When my XAH tried to get me hooked by saying things such as he didn't like my attitude (I got that too), I would respond with "I can see why you might feel that way". I also at times would use "I understand what you're saying". It's a way to diffuse it, a partial agreement, and it always left him with a puzzled look on his face and me with a little giggle.
It's hard to argue with someone who is not taking the bait!
It's hard to argue with someone who is not taking the bait!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
pepgirl-
well, we can all tell you how we handled such situations but none of it made any difference: they still drank.
really, there's nothing you can do about it, you see.
alcoholism is a progressive disease. it gets worse and worse.
if i was you, i would calmly explain to him that you can't be in a relationship with him if he is actively drinking. then, make your exit and go no contact.
you will save yourself much heartache if you do this.
to answer your question, there is nothing you can say or not say. you are condoning his behavior by staying.
the best thing you can do for him (and for yourself) is to walk away. this might be enough for him to quit. it might not. but you will be better off in the long run.
well, we can all tell you how we handled such situations but none of it made any difference: they still drank.
really, there's nothing you can do about it, you see.
alcoholism is a progressive disease. it gets worse and worse.
if i was you, i would calmly explain to him that you can't be in a relationship with him if he is actively drinking. then, make your exit and go no contact.
you will save yourself much heartache if you do this.
to answer your question, there is nothing you can say or not say. you are condoning his behavior by staying.
the best thing you can do for him (and for yourself) is to walk away. this might be enough for him to quit. it might not. but you will be better off in the long run.
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Originally Posted by blessed4x
Linkmeister.....a little tip I learned from my counselor. When my XAH tried to get me hooked by saying things such as he didn't like my attitude (I got that too), I would respond with "I can see why you might feel that way". I also at times would use "I understand what you're saying". It's a way to diffuse it, a partial agreement, and it always left him with a puzzled look on his face and me with a little giggle.
It's hard to argue with someone who is not taking the bait!
It's hard to argue with someone who is not taking the bait!
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Orlando Florida
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Do you really believe getting Drunk is a Mandatory Prerequisite for everyone who's Mother is going into Surgery? I mean would you do it? If not, then "I understand" is not really an appropriate response and not really truthfull either.
I suggest "Call me back when you are sober and we'll talk". It will save you the aggravation of listening to a drunken rant that he may not even remember at all.
I suggest "Call me back when you are sober and we'll talk". It will save you the aggravation of listening to a drunken rant that he may not even remember at all.
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