Advice/Suggestions Please
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 63
Advice/Suggestions Please
In 12wks I have made a plan with AH that he can return for a 2wk trial, 2wks prior to the baby's birth (we are currently separated) on the basis that he gets help in the meantime for his alcoholic behaviour (he is mostly sober - but it's his temper and verbally abusive behaviour that shows that he has not dealt with the underlying issues of his drinking). And I have said that the two-week trial is to see if there have been sufficient changes for us to live as a family.
Initially, I wanted to set a boundary that he can stay (in that two-week period or longer) so long as he continues either with Alcohol & Drug Counselling (he's recently started that) or AA meetings, and there is no shouting/verbal or physical abuse. Obviously, the verbal and physical abuse is a reasonable boundary. But what about the shouting? Everyone (probably) shouts at times.... I'm not sure if that is a reasonable or realistic boundary or not? For me, there is a difference between shouting and rage - but I can't describe the difference. I don't want to set a boundary that he's obviously going to fail at some point, and one that I can't even uphold myself 100% of the time. I would appreciate anyone's imput on this!
Initially, I wanted to set a boundary that he can stay (in that two-week period or longer) so long as he continues either with Alcohol & Drug Counselling (he's recently started that) or AA meetings, and there is no shouting/verbal or physical abuse. Obviously, the verbal and physical abuse is a reasonable boundary. But what about the shouting? Everyone (probably) shouts at times.... I'm not sure if that is a reasonable or realistic boundary or not? For me, there is a difference between shouting and rage - but I can't describe the difference. I don't want to set a boundary that he's obviously going to fail at some point, and one that I can't even uphold myself 100% of the time. I would appreciate anyone's imput on this!
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Join Date: May 2009
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Just a suggestion -- if you allow him to stay "if he goes to AA", please also stipulate that he get a sponsor and work the steps. Get the name and phone number of the sponsor and invite him over for dinner or coffee one evening. He should be someone you feel comfortable calling on if things get rough or if you want to check that he is doing the work.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
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I'm uncomfortable with the suggestion of contacting somebody else's sponsor. Early in my husband's sobriety, I hassled him about his meetings and his recovery. But really it is his recovery, his business. I know his behaviour affects your well being so maybe focus on what you can do.
For instance, if either of you 'lose it' the consequence can be that the other person is entitled to walk away - not forever- but for a couple of hours until things calm down. Consequences don't have to be dramatic.
For instance, if either of you 'lose it' the consequence can be that the other person is entitled to walk away - not forever- but for a couple of hours until things calm down. Consequences don't have to be dramatic.
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Join Date: May 2009
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It was recommended to me by my son's rehab center. When he came back home the stipulation was that he was to get a sponsor and provide me with the name and number. My son gave me permission to call him if I ever suspected he was about to relapse.
It's just one way of making them accountable -- and besides, having a sponsor is an important part of the recovery process.
It's just one way of making them accountable -- and besides, having a sponsor is an important part of the recovery process.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
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I think you should do what is best for you, and obviously no one but you can answer that, but seems to me like the couple weeks before the birth of a child, and certainly the few weeks after are pretty stressful times.
I would encourage you to surround yourself with people that will love and support you and your new little one. In my experience babies don't come at a very predictable time either, so you could make all the plans you want and the little guy (or gal) will arrive when he (or she) finds it most convenient. You will have your plate full just taking care of the two of you without trying to work on reconciling a relationship with a mostly sober man who is verbally abusive.
Just my 2 cents. I would get through the hormone changes, then decide how to handle the rest of the stuff. Remember, one day at a time. It is doubtful that you will be able to recreate that storybook family I know your heart aches for in time to bring your child into. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of that dream.
((((HUGS))))
I would encourage you to surround yourself with people that will love and support you and your new little one. In my experience babies don't come at a very predictable time either, so you could make all the plans you want and the little guy (or gal) will arrive when he (or she) finds it most convenient. You will have your plate full just taking care of the two of you without trying to work on reconciling a relationship with a mostly sober man who is verbally abusive.
Just my 2 cents. I would get through the hormone changes, then decide how to handle the rest of the stuff. Remember, one day at a time. It is doubtful that you will be able to recreate that storybook family I know your heart aches for in time to bring your child into. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of that dream.
((((HUGS))))
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
I have to agree with Blessed. 12 weeks is still pretty new to recovery. I am sure you know this, but there is a big difference between "sobriety" and "recovery".
These things take time, trust your gut. My AH loved to tell me he was in "recovery", I watched his actions and tried not to listen to his words. His actions told me everything I needed to know. Try not to rush things. Maybe after a while of true recovery you could ween him back in.
Has he been physically abusive before?
These things take time, trust your gut. My AH loved to tell me he was in "recovery", I watched his actions and tried not to listen to his words. His actions told me everything I needed to know. Try not to rush things. Maybe after a while of true recovery you could ween him back in.
Has he been physically abusive before?
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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Well, having a trial reconciliation prior to the baby's birth is a decision that I have made. I appreciate your opinions, and no doubt wise advice seeing as this is my first baby. However, I don't have anyone else to take me to the hospital - and no other birthing partner but him, and since our separation he has been fairly respectful on the whole - quite loving, supportive and friendly in fact. He will also want to be there as much as possible when the baby is born and I'm not going to prevent that, so it seems logical that he would spend a lot of time here when the baby is born anyway.
Aside from his having alcoholic (individual) counselling, I am also having individual counselling, and we are planning to start marriage counselling six weeks prior to our living together temporarily - so hopefully we would have worked on the reconciliation side of things prior to living together and the baby's birth.
My original question was about the shouting side of things and how to place a boundary around that. He used to shout and get into a rage on an almost daily basis. We all shout from time to time - and we all can lose our temper. The problem is that he has an issue with his temper: it's probably more to do with the frequency that he loses his temper and how he loses his temper. I'm just not quite sure how to word that or place a boundary around that, that is both realistic and reasonable. Any suggestions?
Aside from his having alcoholic (individual) counselling, I am also having individual counselling, and we are planning to start marriage counselling six weeks prior to our living together temporarily - so hopefully we would have worked on the reconciliation side of things prior to living together and the baby's birth.
My original question was about the shouting side of things and how to place a boundary around that. He used to shout and get into a rage on an almost daily basis. We all shout from time to time - and we all can lose our temper. The problem is that he has an issue with his temper: it's probably more to do with the frequency that he loses his temper and how he loses his temper. I'm just not quite sure how to word that or place a boundary around that, that is both realistic and reasonable. Any suggestions?
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
I would suggest treat him how you would want to be treated and responded to if
( when as you point out :-) you imperfectly handled a situation and were shouting.
You could talk to him about the difference you see in rage and shouting before he returns home. Seems like a good place to bring that up would be with the marriage counselor. It would probably fall under implementing healthy behaviors of conflict and resolution in marriage counseling naturally at some point,..... i would guess.
love tammy
( when as you point out :-) you imperfectly handled a situation and were shouting.
You could talk to him about the difference you see in rage and shouting before he returns home. Seems like a good place to bring that up would be with the marriage counselor. It would probably fall under implementing healthy behaviors of conflict and resolution in marriage counseling naturally at some point,..... i would guess.
love tammy
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Hello there beginner, and congratulations on the upcoming baby 
The way boundaries work for me is that they don't exist in isolation. They exist as part of a larger system of recovery. That means that _before_ I set a boundary I first have to be able to uphold and maintain the consequences of that boundary being violated.
If I set up a boundary I cannot maintain then what I am doing is teaching my partner that she can ignore my needs with impunity. I teach her that it is ok to treat me with disrespect.
All of which means that I have to work on _me_ first, and get my own life and recovery to a level where I _can_ make a boundary stick.
To me that is not a boundary. I did that with me ex, set a boundary I knew she could not meet. I realize today that all I was doing was using that "impossible boundary" as an excuse for my own denial. As long as I kept making impossible boundaries I could avoid dealing with the reality of my ex wife's addiction. I was just fooling myself.
Mostly? What I have learned in al-anon about boundaries is that they have to be objective, clear and unquestionable. In the various 12 step programs they encourage _complete_ abstinence from their addiction. Not mostly abstinence.
How do you set up a boundary that he has to be mostly not drunk? How do you determine when he has crossed the "mostly" line, or whether he has crossed it all the way or just crossed "most" of it?
Well sure, but are you making a boundary for "everyone" or one for the man that is going to raise your child and be your refuge from the harshness of the world?
I have no interest in building a life-long relationship with just anyone. I want somebody special. Somebody that I can count on when life gets rough and that I can feel safe without conditions.
Today I am in a relationship with a charming young lady. She is recovering from a serious addiction to food and attends meetings of OA. She has a sponsor, works the steps, and all that jazz. She also has issues with rage.
Just like it says up in the "sticky posts", it starts small and progresses. It takes her a few weeks to build it up all the way. First she's just grouchy, a bit irritable. That builds up into drama and anger at other people, and it ends up in flat out uncontrollable violence.
The first time I saw her do it was quite a surprise. She's normally a very respectful and gentle person. I waited a couple days and told her that I will not accept that kind of treatment from my partner. Not at all. I will not tolerate _any_ disrespect, not even yelling. In turn I offer her the same.
The second time I saw her do it she directed it at somebody else. She was hospitalized as a result of "falling off the wagon" in her program of OA. Her heart was messed up and the tests kept coming back poorly. As an addict, she wanted to get out of the hospital, rather than face up to the consequences of her behavior. One nurse happend to walk by on her way somewhere else and my lady fired off into a violent rage.
Had I not been present that nurse would have been physically assaulted.
My lady's sponsor, a lot of good friends and I did an "intervention". She either straightens out or she's out of my life. She straightened up for a few months, then started back sliding into the disease again. A couple of weeks ago she nearly got herself killed as a result of her addiction. She survived only because God loves her. We're having another intervention sometime next week.
All of which is to share my experience with somebody else's rage. Just like alcoholism and other addictions it is progresive. Either they are working their recovery 100% or they are backsliding into the same old disease.
My boundaries with my lady are _no_ yelling. No violence, no rage. None. I am not her punching bag, they have those at the gym. I am not her shrink, she has one of those too. I am her partner and I will be treated as someone special.
In turn, I have to work _my_ program of al-anon 100% or _I_ will back slide into accepting the unacceptable. I go to my al-anon home group every week. I reach out to the newcomers. I meet with my sponsee. I participate in my service comitments. And next week I'm going to ask this charming young lady that I am smitten with to pack her bags and go. I will not live in a home where there is active addiction, that's my boundary.
beginner, I hope you can work out your own boundaries and consequences. I know how difficult it is to figure it all out, and how heartbreaking it is to love somebody who suffers from an addiction. Keep posting here so that we can all share our own experience and hopefuly you can find something in our posts that you can use in your own situation.
Mike
Originally Posted by beginner 
.... one that I can't even uphold myself 100% of the time. ....
If I set up a boundary I cannot maintain then what I am doing is teaching my partner that she can ignore my needs with impunity. I teach her that it is ok to treat me with disrespect.
All of which means that I have to work on _me_ first, and get my own life and recovery to a level where I _can_ make a boundary stick.
Originally Posted by beginner
....I don't want to set a boundary that he's obviously going to fail at some point ....
Originally Posted by beginner
....he is mostly sober ....
How do you set up a boundary that he has to be mostly not drunk? How do you determine when he has crossed the "mostly" line, or whether he has crossed it all the way or just crossed "most" of it?
Originally Posted by beginner
.... But what about the shouting? Everyone (probably) shouts at times....
I have no interest in building a life-long relationship with just anyone. I want somebody special. Somebody that I can count on when life gets rough and that I can feel safe without conditions.
Today I am in a relationship with a charming young lady. She is recovering from a serious addiction to food and attends meetings of OA. She has a sponsor, works the steps, and all that jazz. She also has issues with rage.
Just like it says up in the "sticky posts", it starts small and progresses. It takes her a few weeks to build it up all the way. First she's just grouchy, a bit irritable. That builds up into drama and anger at other people, and it ends up in flat out uncontrollable violence.
The first time I saw her do it was quite a surprise. She's normally a very respectful and gentle person. I waited a couple days and told her that I will not accept that kind of treatment from my partner. Not at all. I will not tolerate _any_ disrespect, not even yelling. In turn I offer her the same.
The second time I saw her do it she directed it at somebody else. She was hospitalized as a result of "falling off the wagon" in her program of OA. Her heart was messed up and the tests kept coming back poorly. As an addict, she wanted to get out of the hospital, rather than face up to the consequences of her behavior. One nurse happend to walk by on her way somewhere else and my lady fired off into a violent rage.
Had I not been present that nurse would have been physically assaulted.
My lady's sponsor, a lot of good friends and I did an "intervention". She either straightens out or she's out of my life. She straightened up for a few months, then started back sliding into the disease again. A couple of weeks ago she nearly got herself killed as a result of her addiction. She survived only because God loves her. We're having another intervention sometime next week.
All of which is to share my experience with somebody else's rage. Just like alcoholism and other addictions it is progresive. Either they are working their recovery 100% or they are backsliding into the same old disease.
My boundaries with my lady are _no_ yelling. No violence, no rage. None. I am not her punching bag, they have those at the gym. I am not her shrink, she has one of those too. I am her partner and I will be treated as someone special.
In turn, I have to work _my_ program of al-anon 100% or _I_ will back slide into accepting the unacceptable. I go to my al-anon home group every week. I reach out to the newcomers. I meet with my sponsee. I participate in my service comitments. And next week I'm going to ask this charming young lady that I am smitten with to pack her bags and go. I will not live in a home where there is active addiction, that's my boundary.
beginner, I hope you can work out your own boundaries and consequences. I know how difficult it is to figure it all out, and how heartbreaking it is to love somebody who suffers from an addiction. Keep posting here so that we can all share our own experience and hopefuly you can find something in our posts that you can use in your own situation.
Mike
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Mostly sober, to me, is like being kind of pregnant.
He can attend all the AA meetings he wants, or attebd counseling, and that's still no assurance he's serious about recovery.
Very rarely a shouting match will erupt here at home with my 21 year old, and that is because my recovery has gone to hell in a handbasket and I am reacting, rather than walking away and taking a breather. I catch myself quickly and disengage.
He can attend all the AA meetings he wants, or attebd counseling, and that's still no assurance he's serious about recovery.
Very rarely a shouting match will erupt here at home with my 21 year old, and that is because my recovery has gone to hell in a handbasket and I am reacting, rather than walking away and taking a breather. I catch myself quickly and disengage.
Getting better every day!
Join Date: Jan 2009
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Everyone (probably) shouts at times
Being Silent so I can Hear
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In turn, I have to work _my_ program of al-anon 100% or _I_ will back slide into accepting the unacceptable. I go to my al-anon home group every week. I reach out to the newcomers. I meet with my sponsee. I participate in my service comitments. And next week I'm going to ask this charming young lady that I am smitten with to pack her bags and go. I will not live in a home where there is active addiction, that's my boundary.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
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Originally Posted by Still Waters
DesertEyes, can you sticky that post of yours? Or add a link to it in one of the other stickied threads? It's probably the best explanation of addictive behavior progression and working our program I've read. Thanks
Done sticked at the bottom of "Classic Reading"
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
Mike
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Thank you.
It really hits home, we all know how hard this is for you, yet you laid it out so clearly:
I will be treated as someone special I need to keep repeating that to myself over and over and over.
If it hurts, he's not treating me like I'm special. If it demeans, if it manipulates, if it is controlling, etc.
Yes, all of those things I mentioned above.
Your lady has my prayers, as do you. I hope she can beat it.
It really hits home, we all know how hard this is for you, yet you laid it out so clearly:
My boundaries with my lady are _no_ yelling. No violence, no rage. None. I am not her punching bag, they have those at the gym. I am not her shrink, she has one of those too. I am her partner and I will be treated as someone special.
I need to keep repeating that to myself over and over and over. If it hurts, he's not treating me like I'm special. If it demeans, if it manipulates, if it is controlling, etc.
In turn, I have to work _my_ program of al-anon 100% or _I_ will back slide into accepting the unacceptable.
Your lady has my prayers, as do you. I hope she can beat it.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Everything has been said that I was thinking.. so I wont repeat.
No, not everyone shouts. I don't. My husband doesn't. I wouldn't tolerate it.
Mostly sober is a joke. I think you already know that deep down.
Depends on what you're ok with, and what boundaries you WILL enforce for yourself. If you're cool w/ raising a newborn with a shouting sometimes drunk dude, that's your deal (too bad for the kid tho).. if you're not, then decide on it!
No, not everyone shouts. I don't. My husband doesn't. I wouldn't tolerate it.
Mostly sober is a joke. I think you already know that deep down.
Depends on what you're ok with, and what boundaries you WILL enforce for yourself. If you're cool w/ raising a newborn with a shouting sometimes drunk dude, that's your deal (too bad for the kid tho).. if you're not, then decide on it!
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
There is a lot of good advice here. Know that we have been in your shoes. I feel for your story. (((())))
I just wanted to share my experience...I hope it is ok
My older daughter; her father (he is not my current husband) was in jail when she was born (due to addiction). I had to ask a friend to be my coach. I have to say looking back it was the best labor/delivery of my three. I did not have to worry about an addict during or after.
my second daughter; AH was in the beginning of his addiction. He was there for the labor/delivery (but failed to give me the support I truely needed). He left me at the hospital alone multiple times to "check on" the cats, dd#1, etc.... he would be gone a looong time. He always came back intoxicated. I felt alone and crushed. Through the next few weeks of having a new baby in the house I could not count on him. One time he took the baby so I could sleep a little at night and I woke to hear her crying and he was passed out on the floor with the baby screamming next to him. He was completely oblivious. It was then that I realized that he could not be trusted. It hurt. It hurt real bad.
My youngest, my son, I prayed my whole pregnancy that I would go into labor during the day so that AH would not be drunk when I had to go to the hospital. I prayed as I felt my contractions start that he had kept his promise that day and not drank. But as I drove home (I was picking older dd up from music lessons), I knew he had once again fallen to his addiction. My support, my partner, was not there for me when I needed him most. He drove me to the hospital speeding the whole way, ignoring me when I asked him to slow down, he was my coach, and he tried, but everytime he did the breathing with me I could smell the alcohol. I became more angry, upset, alone. I didn't want to listen to him any more. I had asked him for weeks for support. I told him what I needed. But once again his addiction came first.
I wanted to leave my AH when I was pregnant with my 3rd. It took me till my son was 18months old to actually do it. I wanted to go to al-anon when I was pg. with my son too...but it took me one year to actually walk through the door. I have learned so much! Had I been going to al-anon and actively working my program I would not have made some of the choices I made. But I accept my role and responsibility in that. All I can do is learn from it and do better next time.
I am fighting back tears as I write this. It is the first time I have shared these stories. It saddens me. Actions have consequences. Somedays I wish I had learned earlier to stop protecting AH from him experiencing his consequences.
I just wanted to share my experience...I hope it is ok
My older daughter; her father (he is not my current husband) was in jail when she was born (due to addiction). I had to ask a friend to be my coach. I have to say looking back it was the best labor/delivery of my three. I did not have to worry about an addict during or after.
my second daughter; AH was in the beginning of his addiction. He was there for the labor/delivery (but failed to give me the support I truely needed). He left me at the hospital alone multiple times to "check on" the cats, dd#1, etc.... he would be gone a looong time. He always came back intoxicated. I felt alone and crushed. Through the next few weeks of having a new baby in the house I could not count on him. One time he took the baby so I could sleep a little at night and I woke to hear her crying and he was passed out on the floor with the baby screamming next to him. He was completely oblivious. It was then that I realized that he could not be trusted. It hurt. It hurt real bad.
My youngest, my son, I prayed my whole pregnancy that I would go into labor during the day so that AH would not be drunk when I had to go to the hospital. I prayed as I felt my contractions start that he had kept his promise that day and not drank. But as I drove home (I was picking older dd up from music lessons), I knew he had once again fallen to his addiction. My support, my partner, was not there for me when I needed him most. He drove me to the hospital speeding the whole way, ignoring me when I asked him to slow down, he was my coach, and he tried, but everytime he did the breathing with me I could smell the alcohol. I became more angry, upset, alone. I didn't want to listen to him any more. I had asked him for weeks for support. I told him what I needed. But once again his addiction came first.
I wanted to leave my AH when I was pregnant with my 3rd. It took me till my son was 18months old to actually do it. I wanted to go to al-anon when I was pg. with my son too...but it took me one year to actually walk through the door. I have learned so much! Had I been going to al-anon and actively working my program I would not have made some of the choices I made. But I accept my role and responsibility in that. All I can do is learn from it and do better next time.
I am fighting back tears as I write this. It is the first time I have shared these stories. It saddens me. Actions have consequences. Somedays I wish I had learned earlier to stop protecting AH from him experiencing his consequences.
Last edited by Daisy30; 08-01-2009 at 11:29 AM.
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Originally Posted by smacked
Everything has been said that I was thinking.. so I wont repeat.
No, not everyone shouts. I don't. My husband doesn't. I wouldn't tolerate it.
Mostly sober is a joke. I think you already know that deep down.
Depends on what you're ok with, and what boundaries you WILL enforce for yourself. If you're cool w/ raising a newborn with a shouting sometimes drunk dude, that's your deal (too bad for the kid tho).. if you're not, then decide on it!
No, not everyone shouts. I don't. My husband doesn't. I wouldn't tolerate it.
Mostly sober is a joke. I think you already know that deep down.
Depends on what you're ok with, and what boundaries you WILL enforce for yourself. If you're cool w/ raising a newborn with a shouting sometimes drunk dude, that's your deal (too bad for the kid tho).. if you're not, then decide on it!
I have been married for 6mths before I separated with my husband while PREGNANT. Have you been married briefly and then separated while you were pregnant? Do you know how hard that is? Do you know what it's like to face being a solo-parent? Maybe you do... but you have to realise how brave and courageous I have been so far, and how I am trying to do the very best for me and my baby even though it costs me a huge deal and I have very little support in my life because of it.
Don't speak to me as if I don't care about my baby. Every difficult and hard decision I have had to make is because I am putting my baby first. You don't know me, you don't know my husband and you don't know our whole situation - so why do you think that you know what is best for our situation - that I should leave him permanently after reading two paragraphs of sharing anything abour our story? How ridiculously arrogant to think that you would know best for my life! Take your sarcastic statements somewhere else, please, and your advice as to whether or not I should stay in my marriage. I didn't ask for that. I asked about boundaries - I did not ask you to help me decide whether or not to stay with him - that is my decision to make, and not your's to judge me. Perhaps you need to go to Al-Anon for a bit and find out a bit more about that whole judging someone else's story side of things?
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Harmony, thank you for sharing your story. I really feel for you in those times. There is something about being pregnant and having newborn babies that make you feel so much more vulnerable and so much in need of support. It must have been really painful for you to not have him there for you...
I have to be honest that my husband's drinking hasn't been so much of an issue since he left rehab 20mths ago. He's probably (what he calls) "lapsed" about 4 times, and each time has been out and away from me when we'd had a fight and he'd gone off to his family's place. I'm not saying it hasn't affected me, but for the most part, my husband lives his days sober - whether he is living with me or not.
The good side of my husband is that he is incredibly supportive - and just happens to be the most supportive person in my life. He will drop everything to be there for me should something happen (and I have had a few scares during this pregnancy), and he comes over to help me with practical things. And he has a very loving side to him. He is attending the Ante-natal classes with me and the birth, of course, and I know that he will be great, that he won't be drunk, and that I can rely on him. Especially when I go into labour.
Our alcoholics all drink differently I guess - he drinks when stress has gone far beyond what he can cope with, so it does happen, but not that often. Unfortunately, prior to that happening, he blows up and gets angry a lot. Learning to deal with his stress and his anger (he has an anxiety disorder too) is something he needs to learn. I've got to learn how stressful I make his life (I have been the Provoker).
Thank you again for sharing, Harmony.
I have to be honest that my husband's drinking hasn't been so much of an issue since he left rehab 20mths ago. He's probably (what he calls) "lapsed" about 4 times, and each time has been out and away from me when we'd had a fight and he'd gone off to his family's place. I'm not saying it hasn't affected me, but for the most part, my husband lives his days sober - whether he is living with me or not.
The good side of my husband is that he is incredibly supportive - and just happens to be the most supportive person in my life. He will drop everything to be there for me should something happen (and I have had a few scares during this pregnancy), and he comes over to help me with practical things. And he has a very loving side to him. He is attending the Ante-natal classes with me and the birth, of course, and I know that he will be great, that he won't be drunk, and that I can rely on him. Especially when I go into labour.
Our alcoholics all drink differently I guess - he drinks when stress has gone far beyond what he can cope with, so it does happen, but not that often. Unfortunately, prior to that happening, he blows up and gets angry a lot. Learning to deal with his stress and his anger (he has an anxiety disorder too) is something he needs to learn. I've got to learn how stressful I make his life (I have been the Provoker).
Thank you again for sharing, Harmony.
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Posts: 63
Originally Posted by jaguarpcb
Not everyone shouts. I think "no shouting" is a perfectly reasonable boundary. The thing to figure out is what will you do if he shouts? Boundaries don't have to be "If you do this our relationship is over." Maybe a good boundary would be "I will not accept shouting....if you shout at me I will leave the room....if you follow me I will leave the building, if necessary I will get in my car and go somewhere that I feel safe and respected. We can continue our conversation after we've both calmed down enough to speak respectably to each other."
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi beginner!
Then the boundary is, if you start shouting, I will ask you to leave the home for a couple of hours, and if you don't, I will call the police... (or something along those lines)
No shouting is a perfectly reasonable boundary to me too. It can also be "if I feel disrespected, put down or humiliated I will be asking you to leave the home until you are ready to treat me right". He knows when he does it. You know when your feelings are hurt.
I hope he keeps being friendly and you no longer walk on eggshells... let us know how you do and congratulations!! a baby is always a blessing.
Then the boundary is, if you start shouting, I will ask you to leave the home for a couple of hours, and if you don't, I will call the police... (or something along those lines)
No shouting is a perfectly reasonable boundary to me too. It can also be "if I feel disrespected, put down or humiliated I will be asking you to leave the home until you are ready to treat me right". He knows when he does it. You know when your feelings are hurt.
I hope he keeps being friendly and you no longer walk on eggshells... let us know how you do and congratulations!! a baby is always a blessing.
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