jehnifer

Hooks that keep us Boundary-less in the stickies above really struck me. It was about us thinking that we really needed to change in order for things to get better. That's where I really get stuck because I have been taught at alanon that you can only look at yourself and can only change yourself. So when I get in a bad place and feel uncomfortable about my situation at home with RAH all I keep doing is thinking that i need to try harder to make it work. The biggest change I think i should make is trying to focus on myself and my relationship wtih God. period. Nothing else. But its hard nto to sli[p back into the codie ways.

The other thing talked about in describing this "hook" is that no matter how hard we try, how much change we try to implement to make things better, it doesnt ever seem to be enough. There is always that next thing that displeases the alcoholic. True true so true.

My delimna is: What do I do when I get home? Do I proclaim "Im mad as a hell and Im not going to take it anymore?" or do I just go about my business, be cordial but basically avoid him? Or do I act like nothing is wrong and do the same ol things we always do? Or do I say ""we need to talk" and tell him how I feel? My alanon sponsor tells me to "check my motives" every time I bring up the idea of talking to him. She asks if I am trying to manipulate in some way. It may sound strange but I really dont know how to act or what to say or know what to say.

Anyone else ever experienced the feeling of not knowing how to act with the loved one? I am so insecure, doubting myself, and afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing!

thanks for listening!! I really hate feeling so crazy. I hope this goes away soon.

HOPEKNOWS

Do you pray ever? Or meditate? If you pray/meditate about what you want to say or do, you may feel more confident. It works for me. I get a peaceful feeling and then I allow myself to act. If I feel conflicted still, I wait or change my plan. I don't think you can do the 'wrong thing' if you are only trying to help yourself and the situation. It always seems like we are working so hard to keep from doing the wrong things while really, the alcoholics don't seem to give a damn. In a way, I envy them. But I prefer my way of living- conscientiously.

jehnifer

P.S> The reason I am a mess today is that once again RAH "shut down" yesterday afternoon and wouldn't speak to me. Other than a snide remark about my kids. For 7 hours, then went to bed without a goodnight. This happens over and over again. Several nights a week. It sends me into this awful place. I question myself...What did I do?, What should I do? It creates so much mental and emotional anguish I can hardly deal with it anymore. And I can't sleep, my stomach hurts, and I have anxiety. To others it may sound trivial - but it's so hard to explain - what it does to me. I am beginning to think its manipuation on his part. Which turns me from insecure and scared to angry. But I dont say anything to him. In the past I have coddled with "Whats wrong honey" but Ive learned that only sets me up as the target. I don't ask anymore.

And then the next day when he gets up...I dont know if he's still going to be mean and not speak to me or if he's going to act like nothing happened the night before. I never know what to expect. And i feel so scared not knowing. And now I dont know what hes going to be like when I get home from work tonight. I am so tired of feeling like this. Please, what are your thoughts?

Still Waters

Yes, I know that feeling very well. And, because my AH is so unstable, I never knew how he was going to react, or simply act in any given situation. Or out of the blue. So, I became frozen, I was afraid to say anything yet afraid not to say anything.

If I confronted him with behavior that was dangerous or inappropriate towards my daughter, he'd then email me to get out (with no money and no transportation, then act like he never sent it) or he would buy my daughter things and act like her best buddy. This really really disturbed me.

So, in the end I was afraid to do anything for the repercussions.

I don't have any good advice on how to work through this while living with your AH, since I left mine. I will say though, that for me, having to worry about how I approach, should I approach, etc. is a clear indication that the relationship is toxic.

GiveLove

It ended for me when I finally saw a counselor who asked me, "And....do you LIKE being with someone who acts like a five-year-old?"

Jehnifer, I know you don't like being married to someone who refuses to work on the communication issues in your marriage. From everything you've posted about him, he is a self-centered, manipulative bully.

If he won't do counseling, if he sees nothing wrong with his behavior, if he continues acting like this and doesn't value your relationship enough to try any other way...you may eventually - not now, eventually - decide that you can do much better somewhere else, and so can your kids. My mother died at 42, and she lived this way until she died...getting yanked back and forth by someone else's childish whims.

In the meantime, your task appears to be to learn how to be relieved that he's not opening his mouth and spewing out criticism and abuse. That's also what it came to with me. When he was pulling The Silent Treatment, it became a real relief.

Only you can decide if this is the marriage you have hoped for all your life. I know I didn't have "I want a man who bullies me and my kids and yanks my emotional strings every time things don't go his way" on my personal list when I was a little girl.

Good luck and keep working on what YOU want. Small steps, remember...

sapphire69

I am in this same place myself. I do know that I don't confront him or even start conversations of substance when he has been drinking. For me I do my best to steer clear of him all together. If his actions are making you feel insecure it's because you are letting them. It is very difficult to do but reassure yourself that the issue is his not yours and by letting him drag you down to his level he is winning. With my personal experience, it wouldn't matter how you approached how you are feeling because it doesn't matter to him anyway, that is my experience.

Hang in there.

michelled

In my personal experience, this is the way the A keeps us "chasing our tail". If they can't be the center of attention at all times, they can't stand it! When he is drinking and being a jerk, I just ignore him, not rudely, not banging stuff around and such, but just ignore him, if there is anything benign that is discussed, fine, but nothing of meaning. When he is sober, I am pleasant, not fake, but just normally pleasant (not walking on eggshells~). My Alanon sponsor says to act like you are dealing w/ someone who is mentally ******** (not being mean), because they are somewhat like that in their thought processes. I write my feelings down or anything i want to discuss w/ him, just to get it out, because if I say it to him he will just use it to make an issue and go to the bar , and he doesn't really care anyhow....so i don't waste my breath anymore-the writing it down really helps!

Gypsy Feet

I have to admit, I laughed a little=)

I stay locked in my garage room and plot my escape.

JenT1968

H used to do this to me, all the time, and it could flip-flop within an evening or day. I was spinning. He still does it now but it appears to be to a lesser extent (possibly because I don't live with it, so my opportunity to remove myself from this behaviour is increased).

It is horrible to live with. I won't go back to that.


The whole personal responsibility-looking to yourself when things go wrong is right BUT first *I believe* we need to learn, really feel, that we cannot cure it, cannot change it and are not causing it. Initially, sometimes, all the talk of enabling can get us more in a tizzy about how to act, because in the end we could enable til the end of time OR NOT and I don't believe it would make a blind bit of difference to an addict in pursuit of their fix. we have to start acting in our own best interests.

you are still looking to fix the relationship, sure by changing yourself, rather than by changing him. But can one person fix a partnership on their own?

What do you want to do when you get home? If you want to tell him how you feel, then do it, but don't expect him to hear you or change his behaviour - that's the checking your motives bit, but only because you are setting yourself up for a fall and more hurt if you expect anything from him in response.

If you want to act like nothing is wrong because you can't stand another argument, then do that, but do it for you, rather than to keep the peace, becasue if he wants to pick a fight in order to justify drinking more (in his head) then that is what he will do regardless.

If you feel like yelling at him, go ahead, but first think about how you feel after an argument (I always feel like a heel if I've ended up in a slanging match, disapointed in myself and exhausted, so I try to avoid it) and don't expect anything with him to change.

If you want to tell him you aren't going to take it anymore, make sure that is what you mean, if he doesn't stop it, what are you going to do? How are you going to ensure that you don't "take this" whether he's continuing to dish it out or not. Again not for his benefit, but for yours, as I felt like such a weak sap for drawing lines and then watching them be marched over, and that sucked my will and self-image down further.

Time to take care of Jen.