More twists and turns
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
To me she is being cruel, and for whatever reason, vindictive. You are not responsible for her or her recovery. That is hers to own. She may not be drinking but her behavior sucks.
Go back to the 3 C's and do what is right for YOU.
Go back to the 3 C's and do what is right for YOU.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Oh yes, very familiar.
She's in early recovery - it's counter productive for you to listen to or take to heart anything she says. You'll have plenty of time later to see what full blown dry drunk is like if she chooses to continue this path.
Detachment is vital at this point, and al-anon along with counseling can help with that a great deal. Deal with the real issues as they effect you only. As Prodigal said, keep off her side of the street. In other words - arrangements for her to get her children, her things from your home only.
Don't try to reason with or discuss reality with her, you'll only make yourself sick.
She's in early recovery - it's counter productive for you to listen to or take to heart anything she says. You'll have plenty of time later to see what full blown dry drunk is like if she chooses to continue this path.
Detachment is vital at this point, and al-anon along with counseling can help with that a great deal. Deal with the real issues as they effect you only. As Prodigal said, keep off her side of the street. In other words - arrangements for her to get her children, her things from your home only.
Don't try to reason with or discuss reality with her, you'll only make yourself sick.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
TrainWreck, I'm glad you're setting that boundary. And "glad" is a vast understatement. (That decision is party-worthy...might have myself a little cake and coffee here just to celebrate 
)
She has treated you like dirt - worse than dirt, really, because I treat my dirt really well -- and it's time to stop paying to have yourself abused.
She's expecting you to pour thousands more into her life so she can leave you? She has been "treated badly" by the person who has paid for her rehab, cared for her children, and picked up the pieces she blasted apart with her lifelong poor choices?
Wow, what interesting logic.
It may be too soon for you to have a plan for yourself and YOUR kids other than "Let go and let God," but we'll be here if you ever want to talk it out. You can do much better than this.
And you're doing great so far imho. These are very, very tough decisions to make, and they represent a radical shift in how you view yourself and your own worth.
)She has treated you like dirt - worse than dirt, really, because I treat my dirt really well -- and it's time to stop paying to have yourself abused.
She's expecting you to pour thousands more into her life so she can leave you? She has been "treated badly" by the person who has paid for her rehab, cared for her children, and picked up the pieces she blasted apart with her lifelong poor choices?
Wow, what interesting logic.
It may be too soon for you to have a plan for yourself and YOUR kids other than "Let go and let God," but we'll be here if you ever want to talk it out. You can do much better than this.
And you're doing great so far imho. These are very, very tough decisions to make, and they represent a radical shift in how you view yourself and your own worth.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
Posts: 131
Thanks again to all.... I love SR!
I did need to vent. Sometimes writing stuff out helps me see how crazy it is.
I am busily tending my side of the street. I took the entire month off from work so I could work on myself and get my head straight. I have been seing a therapist, attending 2-3 Al Anon Meetings a week. I am looking for a sponsor but have been talking everyday with someone in AA who is a sponsor.
The kids are all doing well. They have spent the month at the homes of various relatives, riding horses, fishing, sailing and just doing kid stuff.
I have also been talking to people about what is possible and appropriate related to her kids. I feel good about where I am tonight.
I did need to vent. Sometimes writing stuff out helps me see how crazy it is.
I am busily tending my side of the street. I took the entire month off from work so I could work on myself and get my head straight. I have been seing a therapist, attending 2-3 Al Anon Meetings a week. I am looking for a sponsor but have been talking everyday with someone in AA who is a sponsor.
The kids are all doing well. They have spent the month at the homes of various relatives, riding horses, fishing, sailing and just doing kid stuff.
I have also been talking to people about what is possible and appropriate related to her kids. I feel good about where I am tonight.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by TrainWreckAgain 
Thanks again to all.... I love SR!
I did need to vent. Sometimes writing stuff out helps me see how crazy it is.
I am busily tending my side of the street. I took the entire month off from work so I could work on myself and get my head straight. I have been seing a therapist, attending 2-3 Al Anon Meetings a week. I am looking for a sponsor but have been talking everyday with someone in AA who is a sponsor.
The kids are all doing well. They have spent the month at the homes of various relatives, riding horses, fishing, sailing and just doing kid stuff.
I have also been talking to people about what is possible and appropriate related to her kids. I feel good about where I am tonight.
I did need to vent. Sometimes writing stuff out helps me see how crazy it is.
I am busily tending my side of the street. I took the entire month off from work so I could work on myself and get my head straight. I have been seing a therapist, attending 2-3 Al Anon Meetings a week. I am looking for a sponsor but have been talking everyday with someone in AA who is a sponsor.
The kids are all doing well. They have spent the month at the homes of various relatives, riding horses, fishing, sailing and just doing kid stuff.
I have also been talking to people about what is possible and appropriate related to her kids. I feel good about where I am tonight.
You sound like you are doing remarkably well, and I'm personally glad to have your imput here at SR. I too, am going through a hellish time, but trying really hard to work at things the best way I know how. And it's good to come here and find yourself in good company with others that understand.
:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
Posts: 131
Today has been a day of letting go with compassion and doing the next right thing.
My xAGF continues the full court press guilt trip. She has no control, she never had any control over the money or banking (which is a crock... she never cared as long as there was money in her bank account and her ATM card)... she needs me to help her... don't punish the children.... quack quack quack
After talking with my therapist, I responded to her latest tirade. I tried really hard, but did hit back a bit. I just couldn't walk away from her attacking me over the fact that I listend to 2 MD's, 1 Psychiatris, and 1 PhD Psycholoist about having her involuntarily committed... instead of listening to her that she just needed sleep.
The boundary I set down was this. I will consider helping you on the next step of your recovery, as long as it is consistent with the recommendations of the treatment team and not a plan you developed yourself.
I know that there is NO WAY that the treatment team is going to say that she is ready to live on her own with her kids. Their recommendation is almost certainly going to be 6-12 months in a sober living house, then to an apartment by herself, then kids part time, then kids full time.
It strikes a balance between being supportive and allowing her to continue her treatment and handing her a loaded gun.
I haven't heard back from her....
My xAGF continues the full court press guilt trip. She has no control, she never had any control over the money or banking (which is a crock... she never cared as long as there was money in her bank account and her ATM card)... she needs me to help her... don't punish the children.... quack quack quack
After talking with my therapist, I responded to her latest tirade. I tried really hard, but did hit back a bit. I just couldn't walk away from her attacking me over the fact that I listend to 2 MD's, 1 Psychiatris, and 1 PhD Psycholoist about having her involuntarily committed... instead of listening to her that she just needed sleep.
The boundary I set down was this. I will consider helping you on the next step of your recovery, as long as it is consistent with the recommendations of the treatment team and not a plan you developed yourself.
I know that there is NO WAY that the treatment team is going to say that she is ready to live on her own with her kids. Their recommendation is almost certainly going to be 6-12 months in a sober living house, then to an apartment by herself, then kids part time, then kids full time.
It strikes a balance between being supportive and allowing her to continue her treatment and handing her a loaded gun.
I haven't heard back from her....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
I went through a 30 day inpatient rehab. I landed a full-time job as a nurses aid a week after I was discharged. There I was, a single parent out in the real world and doing what people are supposed to do. I was starting over in a whole new location.
Did I make mistakes in my parenting? You bet. No one gives us a manual on parenting.
However I did the best that I could.
Did I make mistakes in my parenting? You bet. No one gives us a manual on parenting.
However I did the best that I could.
Great. Not everyone recovers as well/fast as you did. The fog, the grandiosity, blaming, etc can stay for a while.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by TrainWreckAgain
Today has been a day of letting go with compassion and doing the next right thing.
My xAGF continues the full court press guilt trip. She has no control, she never had any control over the money or banking (which is a crock... she never cared as long as there was money in her bank account and her ATM card)... she needs me to help her... don't punish the children.... quack quack quack
After talking with my therapist, I responded to her latest tirade. I tried really hard, but did hit back a bit. I just couldn't walk away from her attacking me over the fact that I listend to 2 MD's, 1 Psychiatris, and 1 PhD Psycholoist about having her involuntarily committed... instead of listening to her that she just needed sleep.
The boundary I set down was this. I will consider helping you on the next step of your recovery, as long as it is consistent with the recommendations of the treatment team and not a plan you developed yourself.
I know that there is NO WAY that the treatment team is going to say that she is ready to live on her own with her kids. Their recommendation is almost certainly going to be 6-12 months in a sober living house, then to an apartment by herself, then kids part time, then kids full time.
It strikes a balance between being supportive and allowing her to continue her treatment and handing her a loaded gun.
I haven't heard back from her....
My xAGF continues the full court press guilt trip. She has no control, she never had any control over the money or banking (which is a crock... she never cared as long as there was money in her bank account and her ATM card)... she needs me to help her... don't punish the children.... quack quack quack
After talking with my therapist, I responded to her latest tirade. I tried really hard, but did hit back a bit. I just couldn't walk away from her attacking me over the fact that I listend to 2 MD's, 1 Psychiatris, and 1 PhD Psycholoist about having her involuntarily committed... instead of listening to her that she just needed sleep.
The boundary I set down was this. I will consider helping you on the next step of your recovery, as long as it is consistent with the recommendations of the treatment team and not a plan you developed yourself.
I know that there is NO WAY that the treatment team is going to say that she is ready to live on her own with her kids. Their recommendation is almost certainly going to be 6-12 months in a sober living house, then to an apartment by herself, then kids part time, then kids full time.
It strikes a balance between being supportive and allowing her to continue her treatment and handing her a loaded gun.
I haven't heard back from her....
You and the prof's they are advising sound "right on the money" so to speak.
hmmm, just needs more sleep... yet another "ultimate rationalization" if not delusion
My aw didn't think she needed sleep because it was "a cold" that kept her zombiefied for 1 year not to mention all the bad things everyone else was doing to her.
Patience my man, is a virtue. If she won't listen to the therapy pro's she sure won't listen to you. In my experience, if Jesus returned and advised her, she still wouldn't care.
The fog can and very well may lift, but with time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
Posts: 131
Originally Posted by steve11694
In my experience, if Jesus returned and advised her, she still wouldn't care.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Originally Posted by TrainWreckAgain
That made me smile. You are so right. She reads from the Gospel according to her....
HA! HA! That is a really funny but very true statement. Going to have to remember that one.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by Startingover2
In my experience, if Jesus returned and advised her, she still wouldn't care.
HA! HA! That is a really funny but very true statement. Going to have to remember that one.
HA! HA! That is a really funny but very true statement. Going to have to remember that one.
sometimes "Life is stranger than fiction"
Thank you for the thanks, I appreciate it.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
TWA just sending you encouragement. It hurts so much when you have an idea of a person and shared good times, then see how they act when times get tough. Wow.
But when I started seeing all the hurtful decisions, comments, actions, as proof of who this person really was, I felt I was doing the right thing. They say you only know one person when you separate/divorce him or her. Ouch. I guess its true.
Your job is with yourself and the kids. That's it. Just a reminder as I know you are working hard already!!
But when I started seeing all the hurtful decisions, comments, actions, as proof of who this person really was, I felt I was doing the right thing. They say you only know one person when you separate/divorce him or her. Ouch. I guess its true.
Your job is with yourself and the kids. That's it. Just a reminder as I know you are working hard already!!
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