Want to approach a friend about his drinking
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Want to approach a friend about his drinking
Hi,
I have no experience with alcoholics. I'm 28 years old and good friend that I have known since freshman year of high school drinks alot. Probably every night and often stays up for a few days drinking at a time. He has finanical problems due to no real job and practically a backwards sleep schedule in that he stays up all night. My other friends and I have always enjoyed and actually encouraged his drinking because it's like entertainment (he usually is the butt of a jokes because of his drunken antics) but over the years we've gotten older and gotten jobs and married and we've started to feel bad about it (though it still goes on). Also there's the health factor as we get older. I know he takes alot of medication for depression and anxiety and stuff and he mentioned that its not good to drink and take the stuff. My group of friends talked once a few months ago seriously about approaching him, but we thought it would be best to go to his mom and brother. So my one friend did so and they kind of blew it off. They said they know its a problem and theyve talked to him but his grandfather is sick and its not a good time, etc. So I was thinking about going over and telling him I thought he needed to do something about his drinking and maybe give him some info but I am not sure the best way:
1. I know his doctor told him to stop so I'm pretty sure his not going to stop on my account but what can I tell him to at least let him know that we think he should stop drinking. Is there a link to a pamphlet I can print out about AA meetings (no health insurance so I think AA is proabbly best right?) or something really basic I can give him? He's not going to read a book about it and he doiesn't need to know what the dangers are. Just what the first steps to getting help are.
2. My other friends and I drink alot and can control ourselves. It's difficult because I don't want to stop having fun when he is around - I'm not into actively protesting his behavior I just want him to know I think he should stop. How should I handle when he does drink?
3. SHould I go alone to keep it personal or should I bring a few friends to show we all share the sentiment?
Any other tips are welcome/
I have no experience with alcoholics. I'm 28 years old and good friend that I have known since freshman year of high school drinks alot. Probably every night and often stays up for a few days drinking at a time. He has finanical problems due to no real job and practically a backwards sleep schedule in that he stays up all night. My other friends and I have always enjoyed and actually encouraged his drinking because it's like entertainment (he usually is the butt of a jokes because of his drunken antics) but over the years we've gotten older and gotten jobs and married and we've started to feel bad about it (though it still goes on). Also there's the health factor as we get older. I know he takes alot of medication for depression and anxiety and stuff and he mentioned that its not good to drink and take the stuff. My group of friends talked once a few months ago seriously about approaching him, but we thought it would be best to go to his mom and brother. So my one friend did so and they kind of blew it off. They said they know its a problem and theyve talked to him but his grandfather is sick and its not a good time, etc. So I was thinking about going over and telling him I thought he needed to do something about his drinking and maybe give him some info but I am not sure the best way:
1. I know his doctor told him to stop so I'm pretty sure his not going to stop on my account but what can I tell him to at least let him know that we think he should stop drinking. Is there a link to a pamphlet I can print out about AA meetings (no health insurance so I think AA is proabbly best right?) or something really basic I can give him? He's not going to read a book about it and he doiesn't need to know what the dangers are. Just what the first steps to getting help are.
2. My other friends and I drink alot and can control ourselves. It's difficult because I don't want to stop having fun when he is around - I'm not into actively protesting his behavior I just want him to know I think he should stop. How should I handle when he does drink?
3. SHould I go alone to keep it personal or should I bring a few friends to show we all share the sentiment?
Any other tips are welcome/
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hey irelan.
You should ask yourself why you want to help him. Do you want to help him to assuage your own guilt about possibly contributing to the problem? If so, try to avoid the guilt and know that it is not your fault.
You share a lot about your own behavior, and your desire to continue drinking, in addition to why you want to help him. I think you are a good person to want to help your friend. One thing I have learned is that if I am a person's friend and I know that person has a problem with drinking, drugging, whatever, and I want to help that friend, the best thing I can do for that friend is continue to be his friend and don't party around him. A person who parties with a person who is an alcoholic, is not a friend but an enabler. Suggest things you can do together that doesn't involve drinking. He probably won't go, but you can suggest anyway for your own sake.
I am an alcoholic. I didn't know I was an alcoholic until my friend told me I was. I argued with him and denied it until he finally was able to show me what about my behavior made him think that I was an alcoholic and it finally it me. I was about 27 at the time. This is a good and natural age for a person to stop partying and start trying to settle themselves down.
Yes, you can Google Alcoholics Anonymous with the name of your City and State to get to your local A.A. website. There they will have a link to the "Where and When" or "Meeting Schedule." Alternatively, you can look up A.A. in your phone book.
All the best to you. You are doing the right thing.
You should ask yourself why you want to help him. Do you want to help him to assuage your own guilt about possibly contributing to the problem? If so, try to avoid the guilt and know that it is not your fault.
You share a lot about your own behavior, and your desire to continue drinking, in addition to why you want to help him. I think you are a good person to want to help your friend. One thing I have learned is that if I am a person's friend and I know that person has a problem with drinking, drugging, whatever, and I want to help that friend, the best thing I can do for that friend is continue to be his friend and don't party around him. A person who parties with a person who is an alcoholic, is not a friend but an enabler. Suggest things you can do together that doesn't involve drinking. He probably won't go, but you can suggest anyway for your own sake.
I am an alcoholic. I didn't know I was an alcoholic until my friend told me I was. I argued with him and denied it until he finally was able to show me what about my behavior made him think that I was an alcoholic and it finally it me. I was about 27 at the time. This is a good and natural age for a person to stop partying and start trying to settle themselves down.
Yes, you can Google Alcoholics Anonymous with the name of your City and State to get to your local A.A. website. There they will have a link to the "Where and When" or "Meeting Schedule." Alternatively, you can look up A.A. in your phone book.
All the best to you. You are doing the right thing.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi irelan
I used to go out with an alcoholic guy, who is also 28.
A close friend has talked to him many times to no avail. I too mentioned it, well needless to say I turned instantly from "the love of his life" to the "nagging, boring partner who did not get him". He got a new girlfriend/drinking buddy right away without even blinking.
I say, if I do not want to support someone else's addiction, instead of lecturing them (if they wanted my opinion they would ask me...) I would find other activities to pass time with them... give my company and show my support in healthier ways.
Alcoholism is a horrible disease and what seems fun to us social drinkers, for them its just the same: one binge, one drink, one step closer to death. I cannot support someone else's slow suicide.
An alcoholic has to recognize his or her problem, know that if you act or if you don't, if you say it alone or with all your friends, its possible you will have no effect whatsoever... here we have said it all, crying, laughing, mockingly, desperately, giving ultimatums of divorce, taking children away from them, etc etc etc none of that has ever made any real difference if the alcoholic is in denial and still thinks he or she can "cut back" or "its not that bad" or "its his destiny" or any other rationalization.
It is very sad to realize they may find new friends rather than stop and think about what you got to say. He may take the AA suggestion as the worst insult ever (that's what I got anyway). Perhaps just invite him to different activities. If he is not going to AA now, its not because he can't find it....
All the best to you!
I used to go out with an alcoholic guy, who is also 28.
A close friend has talked to him many times to no avail. I too mentioned it, well needless to say I turned instantly from "the love of his life" to the "nagging, boring partner who did not get him". He got a new girlfriend/drinking buddy right away without even blinking.
I say, if I do not want to support someone else's addiction, instead of lecturing them (if they wanted my opinion they would ask me...) I would find other activities to pass time with them... give my company and show my support in healthier ways.
Alcoholism is a horrible disease and what seems fun to us social drinkers, for them its just the same: one binge, one drink, one step closer to death. I cannot support someone else's slow suicide.
An alcoholic has to recognize his or her problem, know that if you act or if you don't, if you say it alone or with all your friends, its possible you will have no effect whatsoever... here we have said it all, crying, laughing, mockingly, desperately, giving ultimatums of divorce, taking children away from them, etc etc etc none of that has ever made any real difference if the alcoholic is in denial and still thinks he or she can "cut back" or "its not that bad" or "its his destiny" or any other rationalization.
It is very sad to realize they may find new friends rather than stop and think about what you got to say. He may take the AA suggestion as the worst insult ever (that's what I got anyway). Perhaps just invite him to different activities. If he is not going to AA now, its not because he can't find it....
All the best to you!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
This can be a hard thing for people to learn, but a true friend will never encourage an alcoholic to keep killing himself. If you do, you're not really a friend, you're just a "drinking buddy."
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
A person who parties with a person who is an alcoholic, is not a friend but an enabler.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I found that with my ex.
He is very disparaging--pretty much insulting--of AA.
I noticed that there are a lot of other alternatives out there-many of them listed in the Alcoholics' section of SR under "Recovery and Treatment PRograms", FYI.
He is very disparaging--pretty much insulting--of AA.
I noticed that there are a lot of other alternatives out there-many of them listed in the Alcoholics' section of SR under "Recovery and Treatment PRograms", FYI.
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
It is very sad to realize they may find new friends rather than stop and think about what you got to say. He may take the AA suggestion as the worst insult ever (that's what I got anyway). Perhaps just invite him to different activities. If he is not going to AA now, its not because he can't find it....
All the best to you!
All the best to you!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I am so surprised that no one else on this board has asked you,
"OMG! What was it specifically your friend said???"...
...simply because we all want to know some magic words or phrase that will make our loved ones see what we see.
I know this gets excessive.
I have tried to balance being codependent with actually realistically hoping that something--some link--some article--that I sent my ex while in the throes of codie behavior just might...maybe...sink in with him and penetrate his denial. I think when we codies hear what you say-that a friend actualyl convinced you-it makes us think, well maybe that would work for MY loved one too.
But I have rarely seen it or known anything to work.
"OMG! What was it specifically your friend said???"...
...simply because we all want to know some magic words or phrase that will make our loved ones see what we see.
I know this gets excessive.
I have tried to balance being codependent with actually realistically hoping that something--some link--some article--that I sent my ex while in the throes of codie behavior just might...maybe...sink in with him and penetrate his denial. I think when we codies hear what you say-that a friend actualyl convinced you-it makes us think, well maybe that would work for MY loved one too.
But I have rarely seen it or known anything to work.
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
I am an alcoholic. I didn't know I was an alcoholic until my friend told me I was. I argued with him and denied it until he finally was able to show me what about my behavior made him think that I was an alcoholic and it finally it me. I was about 27 at the time. This is a good and natural age for a person to stop partying and start trying to settle themselves down.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Irelan,
You could try this:
http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-3_isaaforyou.pdf
It's not a very good pamphlet. In my experience, there isn't a whole lot you can do for an alcoholic until they are seeking help themselves.
I spend some time answering an AA hotline for my local area. I take calls all the time from family members who are seeking help for someone else. It's frustrating, but there isn't a whole lot I can do if the alcoholic isn't interested. Best I can do is get one of the strong Al-Anon members to give the family a call. I wish there was a better answer.
You could try this:
http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-3_isaaforyou.pdf
It's not a very good pamphlet. In my experience, there isn't a whole lot you can do for an alcoholic until they are seeking help themselves.
I spend some time answering an AA hotline for my local area. I take calls all the time from family members who are seeking help for someone else. It's frustrating, but there isn't a whole lot I can do if the alcoholic isn't interested. Best I can do is get one of the strong Al-Anon members to give the family a call. I wish there was a better answer.
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