New to SR - Find myself Lost and Sad
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: MA
Posts: 26
New to SR - Find myself Lost and Sad
I am new to SR. I have been reading a lot on SR for the past few months and felt it was time to tell my story and reach out for any help I can get.
My husband is an addict which still pains me to say. His DOC was/is Oxy’s. I am still unclear how it all started. He was prescribed Percocet for back pain and had surgery back in Feb 2008. His addiction started I think a few months prior. Our xneighbor would do oxy “recreationally” with my husband and show him different ways to use. I had no idea until April of 2008 when he got caught stealing from his work after hours by the police when he was suppose to be playing cards. Thankfully the union was able to get him to detox and then a halfway house for 6 months. I thought my whole world had come to a crashing end. I was left behind with our two small children (4&5 at the time), no money left in any accounts (even the kids money was gone). No bills had been paid, house was going into foreclosure, and my car had been reposed a few weeks prior.
I had been so dependent on my husband I didn’t know what to do. With the support of my family and his family I somehow made it through and got everything on track. I even found my independent self that had been lost for so many years. He came home just before Thanksgiving and I thought everything was going great – and it was at first. Well in April my AH got laid off and struggled with depression. Well needless to say he relapsed for a two week bend (so he says).
He is trying to work this himself this time, but it has been extremely difficult for me. At least when he was at the ˝ way house he was being tested so I knew he was clean at all times. I just don’t know what to believe. I think he is staying clean. He has no access to money. I am just finding myself so lost again. I have days where I just cry for no reason. Yesterday and today are one of those days.
I have started to see a councilor and at our last session she said she wanted him to join us. That meeting is today and I don’t know why but I am so nervous.
I am a completely different person when he is not around. A person that I like, with patience for my children. I am always on edge when he is around and I know my kids are feeling it. What does this mean? I know I love my husband. I am scared that we will not make it through this. It has been so exhausting to me.
My husband is an addict which still pains me to say. His DOC was/is Oxy’s. I am still unclear how it all started. He was prescribed Percocet for back pain and had surgery back in Feb 2008. His addiction started I think a few months prior. Our xneighbor would do oxy “recreationally” with my husband and show him different ways to use. I had no idea until April of 2008 when he got caught stealing from his work after hours by the police when he was suppose to be playing cards. Thankfully the union was able to get him to detox and then a halfway house for 6 months. I thought my whole world had come to a crashing end. I was left behind with our two small children (4&5 at the time), no money left in any accounts (even the kids money was gone). No bills had been paid, house was going into foreclosure, and my car had been reposed a few weeks prior.
I had been so dependent on my husband I didn’t know what to do. With the support of my family and his family I somehow made it through and got everything on track. I even found my independent self that had been lost for so many years. He came home just before Thanksgiving and I thought everything was going great – and it was at first. Well in April my AH got laid off and struggled with depression. Well needless to say he relapsed for a two week bend (so he says).
He is trying to work this himself this time, but it has been extremely difficult for me. At least when he was at the ˝ way house he was being tested so I knew he was clean at all times. I just don’t know what to believe. I think he is staying clean. He has no access to money. I am just finding myself so lost again. I have days where I just cry for no reason. Yesterday and today are one of those days.
I have started to see a councilor and at our last session she said she wanted him to join us. That meeting is today and I don’t know why but I am so nervous.
I am a completely different person when he is not around. A person that I like, with patience for my children. I am always on edge when he is around and I know my kids are feeling it. What does this mean? I know I love my husband. I am scared that we will not make it through this. It has been so exhausting to me.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Did your counselor say why she wanted him to participate? Thing is, you need support for you and you only also, bringing him into the sessions puts the focus elsewhere.
Trust your gut. If you have feelings that he's not sober and is lying, chance are that's exactly what is happening. Even if he isn't, the trust between you two has been damaged and marriage counseling would be helpful, but only if he's being truthful. No one should be anxious and nervous in their own home.
I'm sorry you're going through (and have gone) all of this, it's a horrid way to live and no way for children to grow up.
Trust your gut. If you have feelings that he's not sober and is lying, chance are that's exactly what is happening. Even if he isn't, the trust between you two has been damaged and marriage counseling would be helpful, but only if he's being truthful. No one should be anxious and nervous in their own home.
I'm sorry you're going through (and have gone) all of this, it's a horrid way to live and no way for children to grow up.
Su**endering...
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 102
So sorry to hear about your situation. It can be so overwhelming looking at the enormity of it. Just keep coming here. Try to get to Al Anon meetings. Keep reaching out for support for yourself and your children. One day, one step at a time. Doing the next right thing is easy. Trying to figure out the rest of your life is NOT! 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you are taking steps to work things through with a counselor; it's so important to remember to take care of yourself. Well...there's no way to tell what will happen to the 'we' part of your post- nor when. All those 'ifs' 'buts' and other conditional words have generally worked to drain me of what little strength or hope I had left. It's stressful enough without my predictions...and sometimes having positive expectations...hopes...that are disppointed can be worse than the actual event that brought it about.
One of the best things I've learned in my recovery is that 'one day at a time' I can do just about anything...sometimes it's broken down to 'one hour' or 'one minute' at a time- but that slogan helps me keep my serenity and I'm better able to see what is required of me to get through what is happening in the 'now' moments.
I'm glad you've decided to share your story and hope that things will continue to improve for you and the kids- and of course for your husband too.
I am scared that we will not make it through this.
One of the best things I've learned in my recovery is that 'one day at a time' I can do just about anything...sometimes it's broken down to 'one hour' or 'one minute' at a time- but that slogan helps me keep my serenity and I'm better able to see what is required of me to get through what is happening in the 'now' moments.
I'm glad you've decided to share your story and hope that things will continue to improve for you and the kids- and of course for your husband too.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi drjmw-
it sounds like the trust has been broken. perhaps that is why you feel so edgy. it's hard to know what's a lie and what is the truth. in many ways, you must rely on your intuition. if you feel something is wrong, that he's using, then he probably is.
i know when you are exhausted and already spent, that dragging yourself to a counselor or an alanon meeting seems out of the question, but keep asking for support from your friends and family and perhaps you will be able to get some face-to-face support.
there are a lot of oxy addicts on the substance abuse forum, it might be helpful to read their stories to better understand what you are dealing with. i know i needed a lot of alcohol education to begin to understand and then, take appropriate action.
it sounds like the trust has been broken. perhaps that is why you feel so edgy. it's hard to know what's a lie and what is the truth. in many ways, you must rely on your intuition. if you feel something is wrong, that he's using, then he probably is.
i know when you are exhausted and already spent, that dragging yourself to a counselor or an alanon meeting seems out of the question, but keep asking for support from your friends and family and perhaps you will be able to get some face-to-face support.
there are a lot of oxy addicts on the substance abuse forum, it might be helpful to read their stories to better understand what you are dealing with. i know i needed a lot of alcohol education to begin to understand and then, take appropriate action.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi DRJ
Just offering some (((hugs)))
I think you are doing a great job in realizing your feelings, although painful this will lead to great things. Remember you are not defined by anything you have done or not done in your past. Today you can choose something different. You alone can complicate your own life, BUT you can also simplify it and reorganize your priorities. Its all in you. You can do it!!
Hugs, you are among friends!!
Just offering some (((hugs)))
I think you are doing a great job in realizing your feelings, although painful this will lead to great things. Remember you are not defined by anything you have done or not done in your past. Today you can choose something different. You alone can complicate your own life, BUT you can also simplify it and reorganize your priorities. Its all in you. You can do it!!
Hugs, you are among friends!!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
It means you are human.
His disease has caused you a lot of stress and heartache. It's natural to feel on edge-probably waiting for the other shoe to drop. I felt that way when my xabf got drunk around me.
I'm sorry you're going through this. This forum is a big help!
His disease has caused you a lot of stress and heartache. It's natural to feel on edge-probably waiting for the other shoe to drop. I felt that way when my xabf got drunk around me.
I'm sorry you're going through this. This forum is a big help!
Originally Posted by DRJMW 
I am always on edge when he is around and I know my kids are feeling it. What does this mean? I know I love my husband. I am scared that we will not make it through this. It has been so exhausting to me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 63
I feel for you in this situation. In my experience, an addict cannot "change by themselves by sheer will power." And even if they do, the reasons why they used in the first place still remain undealt with if they are not receiving ongoing help and treatment.
Regardless of what your husband is/is not doing, you need to find peace for yourself. I would highly recommend Al-Anon to you. It is not just for partners/friends/family of alcoholics but also those of addicts. That "lost" feeling and feelings of fear and confusion and so on, are all common to those who start at Al-Anon. I find it a tremendous source of comfort and peace.
Regardless of what your husband is/is not doing, you need to find peace for yourself. I would highly recommend Al-Anon to you. It is not just for partners/friends/family of alcoholics but also those of addicts. That "lost" feeling and feelings of fear and confusion and so on, are all common to those who start at Al-Anon. I find it a tremendous source of comfort and peace.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I'm sorry you are here because of an addiction in your family. However, I am very impressed by the determination you've shown when you discovered your life was turned upside down.
Do you think your family and friends will help you with the children so you can attend Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings? At meetings you will be able to share with others that have been where you are, and they will give you their phone numbers so that you can call anytime you need support.
I know I've had to use that list of phone numbers! I remember one day that I felt so overwhelmed by decisions of my relationship, my job, his addiction, etc.....that I was climbing the walls. I picked up the phone and called someone from a meeting. The lady I called just listened, and then just sat quietly while I cried. When I began to feel calmer, she told me to call her anytime I needed too.
I understand that you are worried about the future of your marriage and want to know how it will turn out. Can it survive the addiction? Your answers will come, when you are ready. In the meantime, this was helpful for me:
24 hour plan. I put my marriage on the 24 hour plan for almost 2 years. Every morning before my feet hit the floor, I had to decide if I was going to stay married that day or was I going end my marriage. If I was going to end the marriage, I would need to start my day with a plan of action. If I was going to stay married, I would need to get up and start my day as a married woman. What ever the decision of the day, I would commit to it for the next 24 hours. I didn't have to worry about it anymore for the rest of the day.
There were too many other things to worry about throughout the day with children, pets, job and life. Making a decision to stay married each day, until I was ready to do otherwise, was one less thing to worry about for 24 hours.
I'm sorry you are here because of an addiction in your family. However, I am very impressed by the determination you've shown when you discovered your life was turned upside down.
Do you think your family and friends will help you with the children so you can attend Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings? At meetings you will be able to share with others that have been where you are, and they will give you their phone numbers so that you can call anytime you need support.
I know I've had to use that list of phone numbers! I remember one day that I felt so overwhelmed by decisions of my relationship, my job, his addiction, etc.....that I was climbing the walls. I picked up the phone and called someone from a meeting. The lady I called just listened, and then just sat quietly while I cried. When I began to feel calmer, she told me to call her anytime I needed too.
I understand that you are worried about the future of your marriage and want to know how it will turn out. Can it survive the addiction? Your answers will come, when you are ready. In the meantime, this was helpful for me:
24 hour plan. I put my marriage on the 24 hour plan for almost 2 years. Every morning before my feet hit the floor, I had to decide if I was going to stay married that day or was I going end my marriage. If I was going to end the marriage, I would need to start my day with a plan of action. If I was going to stay married, I would need to get up and start my day as a married woman. What ever the decision of the day, I would commit to it for the next 24 hours. I didn't have to worry about it anymore for the rest of the day.
There were too many other things to worry about throughout the day with children, pets, job and life. Making a decision to stay married each day, until I was ready to do otherwise, was one less thing to worry about for 24 hours.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: MA
Posts: 26
Thank you all for your responses and support.
The meeting with the counselor went well I thought. I was able to let him know how I am feeling and what this is doing to me. He agreed to find out if his pcp would do weekly drug tests to give me a little peace of mind for a while. We ended up talking a little more last night at home - which went well also. Either he is really trying or is manipulating the sh... out of me.
I went to bed feeling pretty good until I had a horrible dream - he relapses again and I catch him with multiple needles hanging out of him. I think I had this thought in the back of my mind cause my father in law asked me yesterday how he was doing when he dropped off my kids. He said his son (my ah's step brother) was conerned he saw marks on his arms and to ask him about it but don't tell my AH that this came from his step brother. Today I am really angry about this and don't know what to do. Why is it me that has to confront my AH all the time. Why is it my responsability! Why can't someone else confront him for a change if they are concerned. I have my own concerns why do I have to have the weight of everyone else's concerns. Its not fair. Ohh! I am so fired up right now.
I tried al-anon (only once) but I was really uncomfortable. Everyone was really nice and supportive. If I don't know you I am a very shy person and the whole thing was just extremely uncomfortable to me. I guess thats why I have reached out online and to a one on one counselor.
I am reading books on codependecy - right now I am reading "Codependence and the power of detachment". Hope it helps.
The meeting with the counselor went well I thought. I was able to let him know how I am feeling and what this is doing to me. He agreed to find out if his pcp would do weekly drug tests to give me a little peace of mind for a while. We ended up talking a little more last night at home - which went well also. Either he is really trying or is manipulating the sh... out of me.
I went to bed feeling pretty good until I had a horrible dream - he relapses again and I catch him with multiple needles hanging out of him. I think I had this thought in the back of my mind cause my father in law asked me yesterday how he was doing when he dropped off my kids. He said his son (my ah's step brother) was conerned he saw marks on his arms and to ask him about it but don't tell my AH that this came from his step brother. Today I am really angry about this and don't know what to do. Why is it me that has to confront my AH all the time. Why is it my responsability! Why can't someone else confront him for a change if they are concerned. I have my own concerns why do I have to have the weight of everyone else's concerns. Its not fair. Ohh! I am so fired up right now.
I tried al-anon (only once) but I was really uncomfortable. Everyone was really nice and supportive. If I don't know you I am a very shy person and the whole thing was just extremely uncomfortable to me. I guess thats why I have reached out online and to a one on one counselor.
I am reading books on codependecy - right now I am reading "Codependence and the power of detachment". Hope it helps.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
