ariesgirl

I came to an important realization last night/this morning. My AH has introduced many "friends" into our lives, including a couple who has taken to paryting all night with hubby while I take care of my kids AND their kids, including a small baby. I realized last night when they decided to come over that AH is not the only alcoholic in my life with whom I need to practice this whole "detachment" thing...I have, for a long time now, been acting codependant with the friends, too, taking on unwanted responsibilities, allowing myself to be taken advantage of and then wasting lots of hours feeling resentful about it. In sum, over the last year or so my house has become a nightclub with free daycare -- me. (Free drinks, too, by the way, but that's another story).

I realized this last night when, just as I was opening my new novel, this couple came over (uninvited and unexpected as far as I know). Right away, I felt this huge wave of anxiety and began to worry about what was going to happen, how I was going to deal with the evening, how much I wanted to read my book, how the last thing I wanted to do was take care of a baby....it was exactly like when I used to sit up and worry about exactly when AH would get home, how much he would have had to drink, how I would confront him, etc. I realized that I was having the same obsession with the behavior of AH's friends as I have with AH! I was anxious over how their behavior was going to affect ME, etc.

So, I did my best to go about my evening as I had planned. I went downstairs and said hello, visited for awhile, but when everyone started to appear drunk, I went back upstairs. When I got to my room, I found the baby in his playpen, screaming at the top of his lungs. I thought his mother had put him to bed, but he had evidently been screaming in my room the whole time, with the door closed (you really can't hear anything from my room when you're downstairs, because my room is over the garage, on the opposite end of the house from the living areas). Now, I can't feed this baby -- he is still breastfed (and yes, his mother was drunk, which is a whole other problem I don't want to get into), so I couldn't calm him down. In fact, he didn't even want me -- he is ten months old and was pulling away from me when I tried to pick him up. He was just clearly very, very upset and had been crying a long time. I went downstairs and told his mother that the baby was screaming and extremely distressed. She did nothing. The father did nothing. The baby kept screaming. I got so frustrated! How can someone not take care of their baby? I started to cry. I went upstairs to my daughter's room and called my sister-in-law, whose husband is a recovering alcoholic (12 yrs. sober) and asked her to pray with me. I hated the way I was feeling. It was just like the times when I let my husband's behavior get to me. I found myself pacing and crying, just like I used to when AH didn't come home on time. Finally, I fell asleep on my daughter's bed, exhausted.

All day today, I have been thinking, there are many alcoholics in my life, and I think I do have co-dependant behavior with some of them. It's not exactly the same as with my husband, but it's there and it is a problem. I guess what I realized is, I need to detach from a lot of these people if I am to truly have peace. I can't be responsible for everyone, I can't allow myself to be so distressed by other people's behavior. I know that. I am struggling, however, with how to detach from "friends," because I have this notion that I have to be polite to guests in my house. Going upstairs to my own room and carrying on as if no one was there is not easy with other people as it is with my husband. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

By the way, I have put the word friends in quotes because I don't really consider these people my friends, they are just AH's drinking buddies and I don't have any other contact with them except when they come to drink with him. So I don't even know if "detachment" is the correct term for what I need to do with regard to these people -- I'd rather that they not come over at all, but if AH has them over, I just want their behavior to NOT affect me. But I can't just stand by and watch them NOT take care of their children, especially the baby. So I don't know what to do.

Debbie

Hi Airesgirl

Wow! Its bad enough you have to deal with the hubby but his friends. And its horrible that there is a baby involved in all this.

I don't know what I would do in this situation. Perhaps the next time they come over take your kids and go out but then of course you would be worried about the baby. Perhaps go out and call childrens services? Perhaps call childrens services and make them aware of what these parents are doing. Usually there is one responsible parent but it doesn't sound like there is one in this duo.

I just don't know what to tell you. You need to take care of you and your kids and shouldn't have to worry about your hubbys friends and their children.

I think perhaps you should talk to your hubby (when he is sober) and tell him you are not going to be babysitting anymore and you really don't appreciate being taken advantage of by his friends and him. I think if it was me, I would leave the situation. I just don't know.

I hope things work out for you. The whole thing isn't fair to you or this little baby.

Hugs,
Debbie

sdp

This is a terrible situation. I'm pretty new here and do not have the wisdom of other members,but I think the calling of childrens services is a good idea.Also refusing the parents entry to your house.
I know the disappointment of the denial of reading a good book!!!!
Shut down the day care!! Shut down the bar!!!
Also, what ended up happening to the baby when he was crying so hard? Did he calm down?

Rainy

Ariesgirl,

First of all, this is your house too and you do have the right to tell your husband that his drinking buddies are not allowed in. If he chooses to do it anyway, take the kids and leave.

Second, your "friends" with the baby...yes, call CPS and report what is going on. This child is not your responsibility, yet I completely understand why you take care of him too...he's a helpless baby! That was my first thought when I read your post...this child had been crying for hours...call CPS right then and have someone come over immediately. I don't know what state you live in but in Washington, this sort of thing is not taken lightly at all. It may be a big wake up call for one or both of his parents?

Good luck with this, keep us posted please.

Big hugs,

constant

Yes, I have been in similar situations....mostly with drunk buddies that I didn't want here, but after years of me being the b**** the have stopped coming around.

There was a time when a "friend" came over to do some work on our deck.....brought his girlfriend.....total LOSER!!!! She saw that we had children and thought it would be a good idea for her bf to spend time with his child. (that was in the states care) The bf had only seen this child a few times and didn't claim the child as his, she didn't even have custody of the child and I am not sure that he even knew her. He was in diapers, but walking. She picked him up from the "foster parents" and brought him over with NO DIAPERS, NO BOTTLE, NO CHANGE OF CLOTHES.....NOTHING!!!! Then she left and went to work.....her bf was drinking and working on my deck.....how was he supposed to watch him?!?!? Well obiviously I had to.....he was a great child and I had the things he needed because I had a toddler too, but when she did come back for him.....I told my husband to tell his "friend" that I was not a babysitting service and that would not happen again!!! They never brought him back and shortly after they both ended up in jail.......they have lots of issues!

Definately talk to your husband when he is sober....tell him how you feel about the children and the drinking buddies......why can't they hang at someone else's house? or leave when they show up...somehow that one rubs me wrong because you live there too, but maybe that would get the message across that you aren't going to be the local bar or baby sitting service!!!

Blessings
Constant

ariesgirl

I didn't even think about calling CPS (and I'm a lawyer, for goodness sake), I just kept thinking that it was MY fault the child was so upset because I broke from my usual practice of immediately taking over the children so the other adults could party. I don't know what kind of parents these people are when they are not at my house partying. I think everyone just assumed that I, as usual, would take care of the kids and so they didn't even bother. I know this is not right. I don't think CPS would take the children or anything, but I do think parenting classes or something along those lines would be ordered. I am going to look into it tomorrow.

I have only just recently reached the point where I am able to ignore my husband's drinking without having to leave the house and disrupt my children's schedules. I don't want to go back to the way it used to be, when the only way I could cope was to go spend the night with my mom. I like being at home, I like putting the kids to bed in their own rooms, instead of feeling like nomads. That's why the other night I decided to just do what I do when AH drinks and carry on with my usual routine, but it ended up working out very badly because an innocent child ended up being affected. I'm still shocked that his parents didn't care enough to go and pick him up (by the way, it was my oldest daughter who eventually calmed him down and put him to sleep), but at the same time I feel terribly guilty for not taking on my usual role of babysitter which resulted in this awful situation. I honestly thought that if I didn't take care of their kids, they would be forced to, but it didn't work out that way. I also usually insist that they spend the night, because I don't want anyone driving drunk, especially with children in the car, and both parents drink. But that night I was just so upset that I went to bed and when they left, with the children, I doubt either of them was in a condition to drive. This in itself is child endangerment, and again, I feel responsible for it, even though I was asleep when it happened! When people are drinking in my house, whether or not I invited them, I feel that it is my responsibility to keep them off the road. So I think my whole attempt at detaching from the behavior of AH and his drinking buddies went very badly...I feel like I did everything wrong and I still feel responsible.

I am just so tired of feeling responsible for others. It was such a relief to finally stop feeling like AH's caretaker, and now I realize I am doing the same thing with others. I realize, too, that I have been doing it for years, taking care of everyone's needs, taking over when others are not taking care of their own responsibilities, and people have come to expect it from me. I don't want to do it anymore, but I am struggling with how to make it clear that I am not going to take on these responsibilities anymore. I guess I am resisting the idea that I may have to just start leaving the house again (I don't have much success stopping AH from bringing people over any more than I can stop him from drinking -- am I totally weak or does anyone else have this problem??). I never thought I'd want my house to be an UN-welcoming place, but that is what I wish right now.

EmotionalMeg

Hi Ariesgirl,
"whew" is right... I totally relate to you, because I have been in very similar situations.

I remember one night in particular, when we first moved into our house. We had invited some "friends" over for a house-warming party and dinner etc. One couple had two girls, age 6 and 2 and we had our one boy at the time, age 2 1/2. Of course, my AH ended up wasted, along with both parents of these two little girls. I was drinking, but did not get drunk as I still had MY little guy to look after. It was time to put the kids to bed... not one of the parents even bothered to pay attention to their childrens *yawns* and crying... I put MY guy to bed and proceded to get a bed together for the girls. No word of a lie, it took me 3 hours to get these girls settled; they were scared, upset, tired etc and they wanted their "mommy". Many times I tried to convince "mommy" that the girls needed her, but she brushed it off "Oh, just put them in bed and shut the door... they'll fall asleep eventually". I was so livid. But, like you, I couldn't just turn my back on these girls. So, I sat with them in the living room upstairs. We watched a movie together. The older one fell asleep, and I held the 2 year old in my arms as she cried herself to sleep as well. I was exhausted, and sooo angry... I had tears in my eyes as well.

Eventually, when I began my recovery, I set some boundaries regarding my right to have my OWN safe and peaceful place - my OWN home. This meant that no drinking was allowed in our house, and nothing like this ever happened again.

As it turns out, the "mommy" of these 2 little girls IS an Alcoholic. She divorced her husband and has been in and out of seeking her own recovery. It does not excuse the neglect that she put on her children in the past, but it sure makes a lot more sense to me. And I HAVE confronted her about the episodes of that night... she was sorry. I think there were many other nights like this for her, and she is just beginning to come to terms with it all.

I can only tell you what the others have said already... Call SS if you can. Talk to your AH about what has happened. Perhaps even confront the parents of this baby. You have to make it known to all people involved that this will NOT happen again. Like someone else said, you stop the party at your front door.

Take care
Meg

sdp

Your house should be a safe haven and you should NOT have to leave it. When the drinking buddies come to the door, refuse entrance. Tell them there are new rules- no more drinking.
My AH has not made it a habit to have people over- he just goes other places, which means he is gone a lot of the time.
That is (sorta) fine with me- I do not really like to go out and prefer to stay home.

LongStrangeTrip

I detached from my husbands friends before I even made a real attachment. He has had several groups of friends since day one of our marriage and has actually come full circle and back to the original group. Some of them are really OK and not alcoholics but none of them have small children and the one couple that does, doesn't even have their child, she stays with her grandmother and doesn't even bother with her. None of them have to worry about babysitters or being home by a certain time so I don't have the child issue to worry about when they come over which is a blessing for them.
I have a really bad temper which has built over the years and most of them know how I am and even if they had children, I don't think they'd bring them here knowing how I am.

Most of the male friends are nice to me but keep their distance. Almost all of the women adore my husband and think he is just wonderful and talk about me behind my back. I know this is true because a female family member told me that one night when we were all at a birthday party, one of his "harem" as I call them, was whispering something in his ear as I walked out of the ladies room. I proceeded to give him a look like "what's all that about?" and he she looked like she had seen a ghost and backed out of the way. I then in turn became a bit suspicious because of her reaction and pulled him aside and asked WTF was going on. He said she was requesting a song, as he was DJing the party. So, I asked, "then why did she run away like that when she saw me coming?" He said, "Because everyone knows how you are and she thought you might think something else was going on"
I WAS LIVID! I said, "WHAT? What do you mean everyone knows how I AM?!" and I said "NEVERMIND" and I left and went home.
Well, the next day, my sister in law who was present, told me that this chick was standing next to her at one point and was pointing me out to another girl there saying, "Yeah, that's HER, that's ****'s WIFE."
And she said she turned around and said, "Why do you want to know who ***** is?" and her reply was, "Oh, she's just never met her before and was wondering who she is, um, cause she doesn't come out with him hardly at all".
Like it's ANY of their business!!!!

Sad to say, I know perfectly well where I sit on the friend chain because later that night, he called me to find out why I left and as usual, I was made to look like a fool because he went and TOLD this little tramp that I WAS JEALOUS OF HER AND ACCUSED THEM OF HAVING AN AFFAIR!!!!!!!!
What I said to him was, apparently, he had all of his little friends and his buddy/girlfriend ***** there, so he didn't need my company for the evening, he had plenty.
And he wonders why I can't stand to be around these people when he has told them so much crap about me to keep me away from them and made me completely embarassed to be anywhere near them.
Why do we do this? Can someone tell me why we just don't get a divorce and start over?????

phoenix

So they are coming over,bringing the baby,getting drunk,and.....
.....driving home??? That's endangering the child if they are.Of course you can't control them,but you don't have to be a party to it either.You have a right to take care of yourself.

I know it's hard to be in the middle when a kid is involved.I once agreed to babysit for a friend and she never came back.I had this sweet 6 month old boy that I was totally unprepared to take care of!!I couldn't bring myself to hand him over to the state,so I wound up tracking down a relative to come get him.The mother had run off with a drug dealer.

Look out for yourself,but if you believe the child is in danger please report it.

phoenix

ariesgirl

LST, I often think about getting a divorce and starting over. It does seem like the friends come first and I wonder if that will ever change. As long as my husband is drinking, I think that he will prefer the company of his drinking buddies to my company. I often think that I do deserve better, someone who really wants to be with ME, but I don't really want a divorce. I want the man that I married back, and unfortunately, I only get to see glimpses of him now and then. More and more, he choses the alcohol and the friends over me and the kids. I wonder if he is as lonely as I am?

Anyway, it sounds like a lot of us have "friend" issues. It helps to know I'm not the only one. Next time the "friends" are calling me a raging b***h, I'll keep in mind that I am in good company!!

LongStrangeTrip

ariesgirl! You have me cracking up!!!!!
Thank you!

Yes, we are in good company aren't we? We should start the raging B**** al-anon club. The funny thing is, it really doesn't bother me that they don't like me, what bothers me is they don't like me because of HIM. They don't even KNOW ME.
Of course, from what I've seen, they're not my kind of people anyway so I don't think I'm missing much!