I had an OOPS
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
I had an OOPS
Well, last night was the wedding of my mother in law. I knew this was going to be a real test of my strength and faith in myself but I really didn't KNOW exactly how hard it was going to be until I was actually in the situation.
The thing is, I knew he would be drinking. I knew that all of the usual suspects that he drinks with would be there, as they are all mutual friends of the groom. I guess I had hoped (which any wife of an A knows is a big NO NO) that since this was his mother's wedding and since our children would be present throughout the entire evening, he may at least keep the drinking to a minimum.
DOH!!!! What was I thinking?
You see, if I had really had a choice, I would have just went to the wedding and then made a courteous exit with the excuse of some ailment but of course, being the responsible, upstanding person that I love to be, I couldn't bale and leave an empty seat at the head table. Besides, I love his family, it's just him that makes me nuts.
The best thing about this entire eveing was I kept thinking to myself..."this is the last party, this is the last party you'll have to attend with him..." because we have no more social engagements on the calendar which we have to attend together until the holidays. From here on out, I can just stay home and he can go to whatever he wants to solo.
I am doing fine as long as it's not in my face ya know? That's where I am failing. the other night was easy because I didn't go with him where he went and didn't even think about what he was doing. I even got a phone call from my sister in law at around 11pm, asking me to call my husband and tell him that his brother was home safe and sound (because he had gotten lost at the stadium and just went home). So, I called his cell phone and it was actually turned ON! All I said was "Your sister in law called and said your brother is home safe and sound so don't worry" and he started trying to tell me what happened in drunk-tongue and I hung up. He called me back but I said.."I don't want to hear about it, I just wanted to tell you that he was home, goodnight". After that, I just went to bed and felt great!
Last night, I had a migraine because it was so HOT in the church and by the time we made it to the reception, my head was about to explode. I pretty much stayed in my seat at the head table for most of the evening because it hurt so bad that when I moved a round a lot, I felt like I was going to vomit.
Fortunately, a friend of mine was there and she saved me with an 800 motrin so about 2/3 of the way through, I started to feel better...at least my headache was gone anyway.
I sat there, drinking my 7-UP because you know, I always have to be the sobor one so that I can drive home and since the kids were with us, I definitely had to be the responsible adult. I was really enjoying myself watching the kids dance and also watching all of the usual wedding activities. Occasionally a friend would pop over and have a little talk and giggle. I was NOT focused on him at all but unfortunately, every time I looked his way he had his beer in his hand or was doing a jello shot and then the family favorite kaluah shots. We slow danced a few times even though I really didn't want to, I just didn't want to have this big spectacle because he always get's so defensive and makes me feel like a rude, ignorant B**** when I say.."No, I really don't want to dance..." and then goes and acts up in some rediculous way.
Most of the time, he was preoccupied with his usual drinking buddies anyway, stopping about once or twice an hour to ask me.."What's wrong???" OMG!!!!! I HATE THAT STINKING QUESTION!!!!! WHY DOES SOMETHING ALWAYS HAVE TO BE WRONG JUST BECAUSE I'M NOT GETTING DRUNK AND WHOOPING IT UP LIKE HIM????? Isn't it possible that I am 39 years old and perfectly capable of deciding what I do and do not want to do and am enjoying just sitting in my chair watching people dance and have fun??? That I had a bad headache and I just was waiting for the motrin to kick in so that I could at least stand up and walk about????
PHEW!!!! Sorry...needed to vent again.
Well, about an hour before the end of the reception, I really just started to boil inside and I still don't know why! I just felt this RAGE. I kept thinking..."RUN, ESCAPE, Get OUT of here..." among other things. After thinking about this more today, I just can't deal with being around him while he is drinking.
At the end of the night, he came over and asked me for a kiss and I said "NO."
he said"WHY NOT?!"
and I said "Because I don't want to!"
Well, I made the huge mistake of trying to argue with a drunk person. Of course, HE wasn't drunk and he'll stick by that to the death. I know how I felt and what I saw and and I am still seething right now inside because I can't believe I even attempted to reason with, then argue with him.
In the midst of this rather heated exchange of words, he then asks me.."Well, do you mind if I go out for a while???"
LOL OMG!!!!!!!!! By this time I fully understood that all of this was a complete waste of time and I couldn't take it any more. I mean, there is only so much that one poor human on the verge of a nervous breakdown can take ya know? Please forgive me al-anon, please forgive me my fellow board members but I lost it. I litterally lost it and just flew into a series of sentences that I don't care to repeat here, which were spoken right through my front teeth.
Then, I gathered up my children and walked out the door. My son said.."Um, YOU ARE DRIVING RIGHT MOM????"
I said that of course I was. Then I pull up to the front door of the hall, thinking OK, he's seriously not going out but then again, right before my exit I did tell him that if he was, he was going to have to find a ride because he wasn't taking MY truck and I wasn't taking him home to get his.
My daughter said, "Mom, let me go see if if I can get him" and she hops out of the truck and runs inside. Then she comes back a minute later and says "Daddy said he'll be out in a second."
He comes out and puts a tuxedo bag in the back of the truck and asks me to roll my window down and he says again..."So, do you mind if I go out?"LOL
OMG...I litterally screamed out the window, "I TOLD YOU I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO!!!!!"
Then I put the window up in his face and pulled away. I came home, put thekids to bed and fell asleep on the sofa, all within 10 minutes.
I don't know who brought him home and I couldn't care less. All I remember was him leaning over me saying.."Are you coming upstairs???"I guess he just got a ride home and didn't go out after all.
My answer, "Uhhhh...no, I DON'T think so".
OK...I had a bad experience and I am doing my best to put it behind me but I had to let it out. Thanks for allowing me to do that. I have felt sick all day and emotionally exausted. I allowed him drinking to work me up into a frenzy. His behavior is HIS behavior. I will never EVER again, allow myself to be in this postion. I simply can't do it anymore. I HATE him when he's drinking. I hate myself when he's drinking. I hate my life when he's drinking in my presence...therefore, this will NEVER happen again.
Even if no one reads this, I feel better having typed it all out.
Thanks.
The thing is, I knew he would be drinking. I knew that all of the usual suspects that he drinks with would be there, as they are all mutual friends of the groom. I guess I had hoped (which any wife of an A knows is a big NO NO) that since this was his mother's wedding and since our children would be present throughout the entire evening, he may at least keep the drinking to a minimum.
DOH!!!! What was I thinking?
You see, if I had really had a choice, I would have just went to the wedding and then made a courteous exit with the excuse of some ailment but of course, being the responsible, upstanding person that I love to be, I couldn't bale and leave an empty seat at the head table. Besides, I love his family, it's just him that makes me nuts.
The best thing about this entire eveing was I kept thinking to myself..."this is the last party, this is the last party you'll have to attend with him..." because we have no more social engagements on the calendar which we have to attend together until the holidays. From here on out, I can just stay home and he can go to whatever he wants to solo.
I am doing fine as long as it's not in my face ya know? That's where I am failing. the other night was easy because I didn't go with him where he went and didn't even think about what he was doing. I even got a phone call from my sister in law at around 11pm, asking me to call my husband and tell him that his brother was home safe and sound (because he had gotten lost at the stadium and just went home). So, I called his cell phone and it was actually turned ON! All I said was "Your sister in law called and said your brother is home safe and sound so don't worry" and he started trying to tell me what happened in drunk-tongue and I hung up. He called me back but I said.."I don't want to hear about it, I just wanted to tell you that he was home, goodnight". After that, I just went to bed and felt great!
Last night, I had a migraine because it was so HOT in the church and by the time we made it to the reception, my head was about to explode. I pretty much stayed in my seat at the head table for most of the evening because it hurt so bad that when I moved a round a lot, I felt like I was going to vomit.
Fortunately, a friend of mine was there and she saved me with an 800 motrin so about 2/3 of the way through, I started to feel better...at least my headache was gone anyway.
I sat there, drinking my 7-UP because you know, I always have to be the sobor one so that I can drive home and since the kids were with us, I definitely had to be the responsible adult. I was really enjoying myself watching the kids dance and also watching all of the usual wedding activities. Occasionally a friend would pop over and have a little talk and giggle. I was NOT focused on him at all but unfortunately, every time I looked his way he had his beer in his hand or was doing a jello shot and then the family favorite kaluah shots. We slow danced a few times even though I really didn't want to, I just didn't want to have this big spectacle because he always get's so defensive and makes me feel like a rude, ignorant B**** when I say.."No, I really don't want to dance..." and then goes and acts up in some rediculous way.
Most of the time, he was preoccupied with his usual drinking buddies anyway, stopping about once or twice an hour to ask me.."What's wrong???" OMG!!!!! I HATE THAT STINKING QUESTION!!!!! WHY DOES SOMETHING ALWAYS HAVE TO BE WRONG JUST BECAUSE I'M NOT GETTING DRUNK AND WHOOPING IT UP LIKE HIM????? Isn't it possible that I am 39 years old and perfectly capable of deciding what I do and do not want to do and am enjoying just sitting in my chair watching people dance and have fun??? That I had a bad headache and I just was waiting for the motrin to kick in so that I could at least stand up and walk about????
PHEW!!!! Sorry...needed to vent again.
Well, about an hour before the end of the reception, I really just started to boil inside and I still don't know why! I just felt this RAGE. I kept thinking..."RUN, ESCAPE, Get OUT of here..." among other things. After thinking about this more today, I just can't deal with being around him while he is drinking.
At the end of the night, he came over and asked me for a kiss and I said "NO."
he said"WHY NOT?!"
and I said "Because I don't want to!"
Well, I made the huge mistake of trying to argue with a drunk person. Of course, HE wasn't drunk and he'll stick by that to the death. I know how I felt and what I saw and and I am still seething right now inside because I can't believe I even attempted to reason with, then argue with him.
In the midst of this rather heated exchange of words, he then asks me.."Well, do you mind if I go out for a while???"
LOL OMG!!!!!!!!! By this time I fully understood that all of this was a complete waste of time and I couldn't take it any more. I mean, there is only so much that one poor human on the verge of a nervous breakdown can take ya know? Please forgive me al-anon, please forgive me my fellow board members but I lost it. I litterally lost it and just flew into a series of sentences that I don't care to repeat here, which were spoken right through my front teeth.
Then, I gathered up my children and walked out the door. My son said.."Um, YOU ARE DRIVING RIGHT MOM????"
I said that of course I was. Then I pull up to the front door of the hall, thinking OK, he's seriously not going out but then again, right before my exit I did tell him that if he was, he was going to have to find a ride because he wasn't taking MY truck and I wasn't taking him home to get his.
My daughter said, "Mom, let me go see if if I can get him" and she hops out of the truck and runs inside. Then she comes back a minute later and says "Daddy said he'll be out in a second."
He comes out and puts a tuxedo bag in the back of the truck and asks me to roll my window down and he says again..."So, do you mind if I go out?"LOL
OMG...I litterally screamed out the window, "I TOLD YOU I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO!!!!!"
Then I put the window up in his face and pulled away. I came home, put thekids to bed and fell asleep on the sofa, all within 10 minutes.
I don't know who brought him home and I couldn't care less. All I remember was him leaning over me saying.."Are you coming upstairs???"I guess he just got a ride home and didn't go out after all.
My answer, "Uhhhh...no, I DON'T think so".
OK...I had a bad experience and I am doing my best to put it behind me but I had to let it out. Thanks for allowing me to do that. I have felt sick all day and emotionally exausted. I allowed him drinking to work me up into a frenzy. His behavior is HIS behavior. I will never EVER again, allow myself to be in this postion. I simply can't do it anymore. I HATE him when he's drinking. I hate myself when he's drinking. I hate my life when he's drinking in my presence...therefore, this will NEVER happen again.
Even if no one reads this, I feel better having typed it all out.
Thanks.
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Pshew! I read it. You must be exhausted from typing!
Okay... what really nice luxurious thing can you do for yourself tonite? JT would recommend bubble bath. I like to get lost in a mystery novel. Gal, you need something nice just for you! Will it hurt your head if I hug you?
gentle, gentle hugs,
Smoke
Okay... what really nice luxurious thing can you do for yourself tonite? JT would recommend bubble bath. I like to get lost in a mystery novel. Gal, you need something nice just for you! Will it hurt your head if I hug you?
gentle, gentle hugs,
Smoke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
Bless your heart you patient person you!
Thank you for the hug. My head feels better today just groggy and tired.
The really sucky part is I felt really good before I left for the church last night. I looked really great and felt awesome...maybe that's why I went berzerk. I took it all much to personally as I've done before, when I know deep down, it's not about me and never has been.
I'll be ok and back to my old self by morning...I just know it.
Thank you...
Thank you for the hug. My head feels better today just groggy and tired.
The really sucky part is I felt really good before I left for the church last night. I looked really great and felt awesome...maybe that's why I went berzerk. I took it all much to personally as I've done before, when I know deep down, it's not about me and never has been.
I'll be ok and back to my old self by morning...I just know it.
Thank you...
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
Wow! I totally understand this heaving feeling of having an alcoholic just make you wanna puke! Mine....he's gone for now. I just couldn't take his gross smell any longer so I told him that their was no alcohol allowed in my home around our 4 children any longer and he wasn't going to make us puke with his gross behaviors and out of control attitudes any longer and let me tell you....I feel like a new person. I don't have to deal with it any longer. I don't have to be around something that makes me sick, literally, anymore. I had to put my foot down finally and MAKE him own his own problem and I'm at peace for new and I deserve it. You know what? My migraines are gone for now as well. Stress everyday....no good for the soul. I sure do wish you the best. Mine has been a difficult road but I'm finally traveling down the right path for me and the kids. I did alot of praying about it and I came to the realization that I had to be happy in order for my kids to be happy. Like a slap in the face. I finally realized that I had to come first, you know. Now I do. Maybe not first in his eyes but I'm putting my own sanity first now.
Good Luck to you and I hope you find some peace.
Hugs,
Holly
Good Luck to you and I hope you find some peace.
Hugs,
Holly
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wish I knew
Posts: 428
It's funny. I have come to accept the fact that I will take the kids home and he will continue to drink there or somewhere else. In fact, it just happened less than an hour ago!!! We were at a party, and the kids and I left. He is still there. We have somethings to do tomorrow so I made him swear(PINKIE SWEAR,yet!!!) that he would come home. He's usually pretty good on a pinky swear, but we will see....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
LST,
You could call this an "oops," or maybe you could look at it as part of your journey in recovery.....you recognize what you can handle and what you can't, ie "as long is it's not in my face." So you lost it, who says you have to be perfect?
We'd all be lying if we said we never had an "oopsie" now and then. It's what we do with that information afterwards that sometimes helps us the most.
I agree with Smoke, do something nice for yourself, you most definitely deserve it.
Hugs,
You could call this an "oops," or maybe you could look at it as part of your journey in recovery.....you recognize what you can handle and what you can't, ie "as long is it's not in my face." So you lost it, who says you have to be perfect?
We'd all be lying if we said we never had an "oopsie" now and then. It's what we do with that information afterwards that sometimes helps us the most. I agree with Smoke, do something nice for yourself, you most definitely deserve it.
Hugs,
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: San diego, CA, USA
Posts: 86
LST..
Wow what a night you had... I really hope you did something extra specail for yourself.. If I had your address I would be sending you over a case of Calgon bubbles.. so you can "get away!!!"
Sounds like you made a lot of progress to me... You are seeing what it is you don't want... and do want... It's all about baby steps... Trust me.. I been through some really ****** spots with my spouse... but it was speed that was the problem...
Same story different Characters... but it was at my own wedding that he was getting High...
Anyway... Your story really touched me... I am going to keep you in my prayers..
Love Clowie
Wow what a night you had... I really hope you did something extra specail for yourself.. If I had your address I would be sending you over a case of Calgon bubbles.. so you can "get away!!!"
Sounds like you made a lot of progress to me... You are seeing what it is you don't want... and do want... It's all about baby steps... Trust me.. I been through some really ****** spots with my spouse... but it was speed that was the problem...
Same story different Characters... but it was at my own wedding that he was getting High...
Anyway... Your story really touched me... I am going to keep you in my prayers..
Love Clowie
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
((((((((LST))))))))
I don't care how much recovery a person has. I think it would be very difficult to have to sit in the same room and watch your A drinking and/or drugging all night with getting upset. And it's hard not to react, but like others have said you recognized it and will learn from the experience. I wouldn't call it an oops either, just another pit stop on this road to recovery.
You know, ice cream is always a good pick me up!
Hugs,
JG
I don't care how much recovery a person has. I think it would be very difficult to have to sit in the same room and watch your A drinking and/or drugging all night with getting upset. And it's hard not to react, but like others have said you recognized it and will learn from the experience. I wouldn't call it an oops either, just another pit stop on this road to recovery.
You know, ice cream is always a good pick me up!
Hugs,
JG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
Thank you all SO much for the support you always give. It does make a difference and makes me not feel like I failed myself in some way.
It's not just the drinking either, it's the behavior while drinking. The lack of judgement he shows in his actions. The way he has to spread himself all over the room and act like the life of the party. The little strip tease act and dirty dancing with his buddy's wife, (which is really rude to me as he isn't supposed to do anything remotely like this because of his affair), the carrying on with his his new step brother's teenage daughter, which by the way, if anyone danced and acted like that with OUR daughter, I'd be opening a big old can of whoop ass! All of these things he sees absolutely no wrong in while he's drunk. ALL of these things and much more I just totally DISPISE. His total lack of respect for me, as soon as he picks up a drink, just make me go crazy when I have to be a witness to it. Then, his little token visits to the table.."What's WRONG?" and "Gimme a kiss" BLECH!!!!!! That just makes it all totally worse.
The only thing I know is that I can never be around him anymore when he is drinking. Never, ever again.
Ice cream sounds good but I am watching my weight so I'll have to go for the calgon!
It's not just the drinking either, it's the behavior while drinking. The lack of judgement he shows in his actions. The way he has to spread himself all over the room and act like the life of the party. The little strip tease act and dirty dancing with his buddy's wife, (which is really rude to me as he isn't supposed to do anything remotely like this because of his affair), the carrying on with his his new step brother's teenage daughter, which by the way, if anyone danced and acted like that with OUR daughter, I'd be opening a big old can of whoop ass! All of these things he sees absolutely no wrong in while he's drunk. ALL of these things and much more I just totally DISPISE. His total lack of respect for me, as soon as he picks up a drink, just make me go crazy when I have to be a witness to it. Then, his little token visits to the table.."What's WRONG?" and "Gimme a kiss" BLECH!!!!!! That just makes it all totally worse.
The only thing I know is that I can never be around him anymore when he is drinking. Never, ever again.
Ice cream sounds good but I am watching my weight so I'll have to go for the calgon!
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
I almost forgot...sdp...hugs to you. I know the feeling all too well and it's no fun. I hate always having to be the "parent". Just once I'd like to be able to stay and hang out and enjoy a party but that won't happen for me as long as I am married to this man.
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Similarities
We also went to a wedding Saturday, one of his best friends'. He spent almost the whole time out of the tent with his firends. Nevr came up to me, never. Our daughter asked him to slow dance, but he said no, and told her to request another song. She sat next to me asking "whens that song coming on, when will Daddy dance with me".. He avoids responsibilities and I have to answer for them!!! I hate that!!! Finally I went up to him and told him to dance with her, and he did. Later I told him he couldn't have ingored me better if he tried. Then he wanted to dance, but I didn't. I should also mention that he went out Friday night and got home at 7am , slept until we left for the wedding.
After the wedding we slept over, as it was far from home,I had been drinking and he was way bombed.
He got to bed about 4 am. I got up at 6 and we all went home. He slept until we had to leave to go to a party, about 3:30. He proceeded to keep drinking. I left about 11, with the kids.
His niece's birthday is coming up, and she wants something from a mall that is a good distance away. He promised he would take te girls to the mall to get it, today. He SWORE he would be home last night. (on this or another thread I noted that he PINKY SWORE!!)
Anyway, never home, have not heard from him.
My daughter wants me to call around looking for him, but I don't do that anymore. Besides, there are so many possibilities I don't know where to start!!!
His sister is most likely with him ( who I mentioned in n earlier thread-help!!) but she turned off her cell phone.
Now I have to listen to their disappointment about not going to the mall!!!
Well, it's his job, so he will have to take them this week. It would have been sooo much easier to do it today. But nooo, he had to drink. (I am not in the mood to go to the mall-it's raining and I have housework to do!!!)
What bothers me is when I am around his friend's(like at the party last night) and they talk about all the "fun" things they do when drinking (for instance- last nite they were talking about how they wanted to mark up a passed out friend, but settled for shaving his legs) these are people in their late thirties!!!)
I feel like he has a whole other life that I am not part of, that is his "real" life, his "fun" life. I am the crabby wife who wants to interfere with his fun.
When he is around his friends and drinking, he is the life of the party, Mr' Laugh a lot. At home, he is quiet and hardly ever
laughs.
He is also usually sleeping off his drunk from the night before, as he usually does go to work, but passes out when he gets home and isolates himself upstairs.
So I am resentful that he thinks of weekends as his time. He has done nothing around the house this weekend or last weekend- just sleep and drink. Everything else falls on my shoulders.
The lawn is not mowed. I will not do it.
After the wedding we slept over, as it was far from home,I had been drinking and he was way bombed.
He got to bed about 4 am. I got up at 6 and we all went home. He slept until we had to leave to go to a party, about 3:30. He proceeded to keep drinking. I left about 11, with the kids.
His niece's birthday is coming up, and she wants something from a mall that is a good distance away. He promised he would take te girls to the mall to get it, today. He SWORE he would be home last night. (on this or another thread I noted that he PINKY SWORE!!)
Anyway, never home, have not heard from him.
My daughter wants me to call around looking for him, but I don't do that anymore. Besides, there are so many possibilities I don't know where to start!!!
His sister is most likely with him ( who I mentioned in n earlier thread-help!!) but she turned off her cell phone.
Now I have to listen to their disappointment about not going to the mall!!!
Well, it's his job, so he will have to take them this week. It would have been sooo much easier to do it today. But nooo, he had to drink. (I am not in the mood to go to the mall-it's raining and I have housework to do!!!)
What bothers me is when I am around his friend's(like at the party last night) and they talk about all the "fun" things they do when drinking (for instance- last nite they were talking about how they wanted to mark up a passed out friend, but settled for shaving his legs) these are people in their late thirties!!!)
I feel like he has a whole other life that I am not part of, that is his "real" life, his "fun" life. I am the crabby wife who wants to interfere with his fun.
When he is around his friends and drinking, he is the life of the party, Mr' Laugh a lot. At home, he is quiet and hardly ever
laughs.
He is also usually sleeping off his drunk from the night before, as he usually does go to work, but passes out when he gets home and isolates himself upstairs.
So I am resentful that he thinks of weekends as his time. He has done nothing around the house this weekend or last weekend- just sleep and drink. Everything else falls on my shoulders.
The lawn is not mowed. I will not do it.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
sdp I swear when I read your posts, it's like reading my own words. So many similarities...more than I even care to think about.
My stress level is so high this weekend because I am still not over this wedding thing the other night. I know I'll be at a meeting tonight.
I suppose I should be grateful that he didn't go out with his drinking buddies and budettes but instead, for whatever reason, he came home and ate a pizza and went to bed. He left a heck of a mess in the process! I didn't clean it up though.
But, the time will come when he isn't around his family and no one but me will be there to say anything about the way he acts and things he does while he drinks. I think a family member may have said something to him when he went back into the hall after I drove off and left him there. That is the only reason I can think of that he would not hitch a ride into the city for an all nighter with the gang. Nothing I say has ever made much of a difference but he does occasionally listen to his Mom or his grandmother.
I swear, I just wanted to run away. I could feel the pain, the hurt all of the usual emotions that come and then, the anger. The hatred that seeps in slowly and then builds as the harder I try to push it down, the more it pushes it's way back up.
Today was actually a good day. We actually got along very well and I was able to put these feelings aside last night and just try to enjoy the sobor times and feel as normal in this marriage as possible. I thank GOD for these days because I need the strength and the will to go on. Maybe he feels that feeling too, that I am reaching the end of my rope and thinking that as hard as life would be without him on these good days, it would be 100 times easier not to have to deal with the alcohol and the pain.
My stress level is so high this weekend because I am still not over this wedding thing the other night. I know I'll be at a meeting tonight.
I suppose I should be grateful that he didn't go out with his drinking buddies and budettes but instead, for whatever reason, he came home and ate a pizza and went to bed. He left a heck of a mess in the process! I didn't clean it up though.
But, the time will come when he isn't around his family and no one but me will be there to say anything about the way he acts and things he does while he drinks. I think a family member may have said something to him when he went back into the hall after I drove off and left him there. That is the only reason I can think of that he would not hitch a ride into the city for an all nighter with the gang. Nothing I say has ever made much of a difference but he does occasionally listen to his Mom or his grandmother.
I swear, I just wanted to run away. I could feel the pain, the hurt all of the usual emotions that come and then, the anger. The hatred that seeps in slowly and then builds as the harder I try to push it down, the more it pushes it's way back up.
Today was actually a good day. We actually got along very well and I was able to put these feelings aside last night and just try to enjoy the sobor times and feel as normal in this marriage as possible. I thank GOD for these days because I need the strength and the will to go on. Maybe he feels that feeling too, that I am reaching the end of my rope and thinking that as hard as life would be without him on these good days, it would be 100 times easier not to have to deal with the alcohol and the pain.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wish I knew
Posts: 428
Hey LST
I saw what you posted on "detachment".. I don't know what is worse- alcoholism or infidelity. Both are such slaps in the face- rejections of you as a person, and your family life.
Fortunately, infidelity has never been an issue with us.Unfortunately, his friends are way higher on the importance scale than I am, altho he denies it.
I rarely go out with him on his drinking excursions, so I don't usually have to watch it. When we do go out together, it is usually family and close friends who would NEVER treat me the way you described. I have also accepted that I will leave alone (with the kids) ..it always happens. Even if he does come home with me, I will fall asleep and he will find someone to party with, or go to the bar.
I don;t get as upset as I used to, as "I cannot change it".. But every once in a while, I do get very bothered. today is one of those days.
I don;t have a bad temper. When confronted with a tense situation, I tend to get Emotional and cry!!! However, when I do have an ooops, I hiss sarcastic comments and try to verbally strike him. He just listens and agrees, and keeps doing what he's doing.
I am pretty much hanging on until the kids get a little older and can get themselves off to school. Right now, i work early and can't be there in the ams. I depend on him for that.
I printed out a bunch of "Are you an alcoholic" questions, and I will answer them as I see it, and leave them in a prominent place for when he comes home tonight (sneaking in when he knows I am asleep) and we'll see what happens. He probably won't read them tho.
Fortunately, infidelity has never been an issue with us.Unfortunately, his friends are way higher on the importance scale than I am, altho he denies it.
I rarely go out with him on his drinking excursions, so I don't usually have to watch it. When we do go out together, it is usually family and close friends who would NEVER treat me the way you described. I have also accepted that I will leave alone (with the kids) ..it always happens. Even if he does come home with me, I will fall asleep and he will find someone to party with, or go to the bar.
I don;t get as upset as I used to, as "I cannot change it".. But every once in a while, I do get very bothered. today is one of those days.
I don;t have a bad temper. When confronted with a tense situation, I tend to get Emotional and cry!!! However, when I do have an ooops, I hiss sarcastic comments and try to verbally strike him. He just listens and agrees, and keeps doing what he's doing.
I am pretty much hanging on until the kids get a little older and can get themselves off to school. Right now, i work early and can't be there in the ams. I depend on him for that.
I printed out a bunch of "Are you an alcoholic" questions, and I will answer them as I see it, and leave them in a prominent place for when he comes home tonight (sneaking in when he knows I am asleep) and we'll see what happens. He probably won't read them tho.
Paused
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Southwest USA
Posts: 23
I have to tell y'all, the wedding stories made me feel better about some of my experiences. What the heck is it with weddings?? My AH is 1000 times worse at a wedding! He once left me at an out of state wedding, seven months pregnant and with two toddlers, to go out drinking. There was a bar at the reception, and I would have driven us back to the hotel, but instead he left the wedding to go to a bar and left me without transportation. The groom's parents ended up giving me and my kids a ride back to the hotel. It was pretty embarrasing that I couldn't find my own husband, and it was evident to everyone what had happened. Hubby came back to the hotel exactly 1/2 hour after the bars had closed. Then, two months ago, we went to a friends wedding, again out of town, without the kids, because it was supposed to also be a "romantic weekend" for us. We went back to the hotel room fairly early and he said he just wanted to step out and get something he had for me in the car. He never came back. I waited until check out time, then went looking for him. I was seriously tempted to leave him, but I knew I'd end up paying for him to get back somehow anyway. Clearly there was nothing for me in the car...he had left and gone to party some more. I really didn't enjoy my romantic weekend! Anyway, I'm not RSVPing to anymore weddings!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wish I knew
Posts: 428
Last year we went to the Wisconsin Dells for a "family weekend". It was nice, no drinking. But, when we left, we made it in record time!!! As soon as we got home, he emptied the cooler, filled it with beer and went to our neighbors, where he stayed for 2 1/2 days!!! He spent more time with the neighbor than he did us!!! (I'm talking awake time, because he doesn't sleep when he's boozing) No more family weekends.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
Well, of course in counselling I was told that his infidelity was just another symptom of his drinking as an escape from reality. I just could never understand what was so bad about our reality that he needed to escape from it.
It's all been crushing me over the past couple years and I guess at times I have felt burried beneath it and stuck my head in the sand. I don't have a great support system as no one really understands or will admit he has a drinking problem. I know it and get it because I am the one bearing the brunt of it all.
During my anger fest at the end of the reception, he of course did the "What did I do?" speach and walked away from me. They never know what they do and maybe they aren't doing anything wrong at all in their own eyes. I guess it's just us and how we see them and how we feel when they get drunk and act out in that drunken way. I just set myself up for a fall that night because of stressing out so much over what I already knew would happen. The stress manifested itself into the migraine and the migraine into the rage. I honestly just wanted him to stay away from me all night. Maybe if he had, things would have turned out much better. I didn't want to argue with a drunk but he kept antagonizing me and I felt trapped into going off on him like I did and leaving him there at the hall.
I went to a meeting tonight and I feel a lot better. I think I am ready to cope with going back to work tomorrow and moving forward.
I pray we all have enough strength to work this program and to recover from episodes like this that set us back.
It's all been crushing me over the past couple years and I guess at times I have felt burried beneath it and stuck my head in the sand. I don't have a great support system as no one really understands or will admit he has a drinking problem. I know it and get it because I am the one bearing the brunt of it all.
During my anger fest at the end of the reception, he of course did the "What did I do?" speach and walked away from me. They never know what they do and maybe they aren't doing anything wrong at all in their own eyes. I guess it's just us and how we see them and how we feel when they get drunk and act out in that drunken way. I just set myself up for a fall that night because of stressing out so much over what I already knew would happen. The stress manifested itself into the migraine and the migraine into the rage. I honestly just wanted him to stay away from me all night. Maybe if he had, things would have turned out much better. I didn't want to argue with a drunk but he kept antagonizing me and I felt trapped into going off on him like I did and leaving him there at the hall.
I went to a meeting tonight and I feel a lot better. I think I am ready to cope with going back to work tomorrow and moving forward.
I pray we all have enough strength to work this program and to recover from episodes like this that set us back.
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi LST,
You have no idea how familiar this story is to me... In fact I could SWEAR that I have been to a wedding exactly like that one!
And the part where he says "Do ya mind if I go out?"... OMG! I have heard that over a hundred times in the past couple of years.
I remember one time, my AH was trying to be all "husband-like" and take me out for a nice dinner on my birthday. I really THOUGHT he would not be getting drunk (back then, I was still in denial
). We met another couple at the local pub and had some dinner and drinks. Well, you wouldn't have even known it was my birthday, because after about the 5th beer, my AH started to forget I was even there. He was cruising around the bar, drinking beer, playing pool, looking for guys to drink with. Eventually, at around 11pm, I told him that I was gonna go home and relieve the babysitter (we had been there for 4 1/2 hours by that time). And guess what he said?... "OK, you mind if I go out?" (To this day, I cringe at those words...) Forget that it was my birthday, forget that he came with ME, forget that I was angry and upset... HE wanted to go out drinking - that was that.
Sooooo.... my helpful words of suggestion and encouragement? Drop your expectations of HIM... He cannot be the trustworthy, loving, CONSIDERATE, "normal" person we want him to be (at least not now). If we can just NOT expect things, than we don't have to feel dissapointed.
AND... Drop the expectations of yourself!
You don't have to be "the responsible one", the "loving one", the "all-together & organized one" JUST because of HIM. You can be all of these things because they are traits that encourage YOUR strength and make you who you are. ... There were times when I purposely put on the "goody-two-shoes", all together "super-mom" role simply BECAUSE of him; he was so far from respectable, that I tried to make up for his lack of responsibility.
But, now I am a great mother, a loving wife and person and I carry an aura of strength BECAUSE I stopped pretending to be.
Of course... Get to meetings and take care of yourself!
Hope today is a brighter day, hang in there
Meg
You have no idea how familiar this story is to me... In fact I could SWEAR that I have been to a wedding exactly like that one!
And the part where he says "Do ya mind if I go out?"... OMG! I have heard that over a hundred times in the past couple of years.
I remember one time, my AH was trying to be all "husband-like" and take me out for a nice dinner on my birthday. I really THOUGHT he would not be getting drunk (back then, I was still in denial
). We met another couple at the local pub and had some dinner and drinks. Well, you wouldn't have even known it was my birthday, because after about the 5th beer, my AH started to forget I was even there. He was cruising around the bar, drinking beer, playing pool, looking for guys to drink with. Eventually, at around 11pm, I told him that I was gonna go home and relieve the babysitter (we had been there for 4 1/2 hours by that time). And guess what he said?... "OK, you mind if I go out?" (To this day, I cringe at those words...) Forget that it was my birthday, forget that he came with ME, forget that I was angry and upset... HE wanted to go out drinking - that was that.Sooooo.... my helpful words of suggestion and encouragement? Drop your expectations of HIM... He cannot be the trustworthy, loving, CONSIDERATE, "normal" person we want him to be (at least not now). If we can just NOT expect things, than we don't have to feel dissapointed.
AND... Drop the expectations of yourself!
You don't have to be "the responsible one", the "loving one", the "all-together & organized one" JUST because of HIM. You can be all of these things because they are traits that encourage YOUR strength and make you who you are. ... There were times when I purposely put on the "goody-two-shoes", all together "super-mom" role simply BECAUSE of him; he was so far from respectable, that I tried to make up for his lack of responsibility.
But, now I am a great mother, a loving wife and person and I carry an aura of strength BECAUSE I stopped pretending to be.
Of course... Get to meetings and take care of yourself!
Hope today is a brighter day, hang in there
Meg
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