FindingBalance

I am wondering if I should just bank on it happening. I don't know if I can handle it is the problem. I try very hard to understand and accept that alcholism is a disease but it's not always easy. I support him thru his journey. He has done AA and not done AA. He has a few issues with it, but has managed to take what works for him. He has been struggling a lot lately and just wondering if relapse is just inevitable. I will not tell him that it's ok and I will not tell him that I'll be here if it happens. Because, I don't know. I still need to post the whole story. He's been sober for nearly 3 1/2 years now.

Thanks.

whereami

I think that all you can do is stick to your boundaries but learn to live in the moment unless you see a sign of him relapsing. Learn to enjoy now and keep faith that it will be ok. If you constantly worry it will strain you emotionally. I am not sure if it is inevitible, but if you want to remain in this for what it is...it seems like the now is ok? I am not sure your whole history as far as signals right now...does he seem ok? Is there any tale tell sign of use or loss of interest or anything else that may concern you?

FindingBalance

I know he doesn't want to. I know he is doing everything he can to stay sober. I know he's concerned about the consequences. I also know that he talks about the "disease" part of it a lot. Sometimes I worry that he will "use" that as his excuse.

He's been an emotional mess lately but has recently had his anti-depressants adjusted. We're both hoping that will help.

Waterman

That's a long time to be sober.

FindingBalance

Does that mean I should expect him to relapse, or he's done so well, maybe he won't?

smacked

Relapse is part of active addiction, not recovery.

That being said, a lot of alcoholics and addicts use the disease model to excuse behaviors we/they actively choose to engage in.

It's going to come down to what YOU are willing to put up with, and how YOU feel about the relationship. He'll do what he wants and chooses.. I know that I do.

MycoolFitz

It you bank on it you're bound to make a withdrawal at some point. Maybe you need to let go a bit and not get eaten up with anticipation. In this moment (the only moment) what's happening NOW?

“We want what we can’t have and don’t want what we do have; we want more of what we like and less of what we don’t like…Behind every suffering, Buddhist teachers say, is the desire for things to be different. This attempt to control or manage what cannot be changed interferes with our going on being. We worry about the past and anticipate the future or worry about the future and anticipate the past. Our self-centeredness causes us to create an uneasy relationship with the world in which we try to fend off any threats to our hard-fought security. This sets up an indefensible position; we become like a fortress: a self within a body that is threatened from all sides.”—Mark Epstein

FindingBalance

But, if the addiction is a disease, isn't it always there? Active or not?

I don't know. I guess it doesn't matter if he relapses or not. He either will or he won't and we'll deal with it one way or another. He's only had one stint in relapse. He's only tried once to get sober. He's been sober for 3 1/2 years. It just seems that I rarely read a story where he/she has stayed sober "forever".

I don't know.

Freedom1990

I agree 100%. I drank again after 4 years in recovery. It had nothing to do with recovery, and everything with the fact I made the choice to pick up that first drink.

Thanks to a loving God, AA, and a terrific sponsor, I will celebrate 19 years continuous sobriety/clean time next month.

My sponsor will celebrate 28 continuous years next month. He has never relapsed.

Relapse is not inevitable, nor a given. It's a personal choice.

Astro

Relapse is part of the disease, but not recovery.

I understand that my partner has boundaries. If I drink, she's gone. Nothing more needs to be said than that.

We both practice very solid programs of recovery. I'm in AA, she's in CoDA, at times we participate together. It's a formula that works well for us.

MycoolFitz

Check out The Institute For Addiction Study regarding the disease of addiction. My thought is about you. If your spouse has been sober 3 1/2 years and doesn't show signs of relapse, why are you so focused on it? The issue seems to be more about your fears and projections then it is about his actions. One can recover from alcoholism, the Big Book uses this term a number of times, however, we can't be cured. There's a big difference. If we don't pick up day by day forever, we don't relapse day by day forever. We can recover we just can't be cured. As an alcoholic I can sure live with that--beats a malignant tumor as long as I have to have a disease. Enjoy your husband and allow him to enjoy his sobriety. Are you attending Alonon? I like your avitar and handle. Can you find your balance in this situation, in this moment?

laurie6781

As said above relapse is part of the addiction, relapse is not a part of recovery.

Now, that being said, can recovery be forever, I do believe so. I celebrated 28 years in June and 25 years in Al-Anon. I have been able to accomplish that by working my butt off ON ME all these years, USING the tools (ALL of them at one time or another) provided to me by AA and my sponsors, and when in a place that your H seems to be in, CALLING my sponsor and sober friends, talking the 'problem' to death, going to more meetings.

I have a daily reprieve conditioned on my fit spiritual condition.

So, will he relapse, won't he relapse? Who knows.

I've learned over the years, there are NO GUARANTEES in this life, so I have to be the best ME I can be on a daily basis. To do that, I have to step away from A. I cannot fix them. If I worry about their actions or lack of actions, I am taking energy away from something I could be doing for me, whether to help me in my on going abstinence or working on my 'codie' behavior.

I found this little 'daily' priority list has helped me greatly in most facets of my life"

HP first.

Then myself.

Then those around me in order of importance to me.

Love and hugs,

FindingBalance

So, maybe I should stop worrying and just let him talk about it without me reading into it? He's been struggling for a while now, some days more than others, but has laid off. So, I guess I should cut him some slack. I am a worrier by nature. I worry all the time. Maybe it's about me, and not him.

I thank you all for your words. I will read and re read.

Astro

So what if he stays sober? That's a long time for you to worry. I think you've got the right idea. Let go, let God.

Freedom1990

Just some food for thought. My mother is a chronic worrier too. If there isn't something to worry about, she will find something.

She has started to look so frail and tired. She was actually nodding off the last time we all went to a movie together. I can't tell you how much my heart hurts seeing what chronic worry has done to her.

I can't pray and worry at the same time. I have learned to replace fear with faith.