blessed4x

I have been talking, one by one with the neighbors, as I see them outside. Letting them know that STBXAH isn't here anymore and that he won't be back. They have all been more supportive than I would have dreamed. They also have all had stories about his drunk escapades that they never felt comfortable sharing. The lady next door witnessed him dragging one of our kids across the lawn by his arm while screaming obscenities at him. She also said he came over to talk once and fell, then was unable to get up and walk without falling several more times, and couldn't carry on a coherent conversation. YIKES! Where was I?

They've all said they weren't a bit surprised about the divorce.....just that it didnt happen sooner. It makes me scratch my head and go, "huh"? What WAS I thinking? Who exactly did I think I was fooling? Myself I guess, I was only fooling myself.

whyamistaying

Wow. I am glad your neighbors are supportive.

prodigal

There is nothing wrong with this. He was in denial about his addiction, as you were, to some extent. We all want to gloss over what goes on behind closed doors. Apparently, you STBXAH decided to take his behaviors outdoors and put on a show for the neighbors.

Believe me, I know my neighbors KNOW. They don't have to say a word. I've been in my driveway talking to some of them when AH has staggered onto the scene. I've noticed the looks between the people I'm talking to. Hey, fine by me. I don't care what he does in front of the neighbors. I no longer take it as a reflection on me.

I am so glad to hear your neighbors are supporting you. And I don't think you were "fooling" yourself. You were busy raising your kids and not paying attention to your AH's alcoholic behaviors. Now that the cat is out of the bag, you don't have to cover up anything with your neighbors, nor do you have to offer any explanations to them as to your STBXAH's behaviors.

They know. You know. And the only one who is still playing the fool here is your AH.

isurvived

I've always cared what my neighbors, friends and co-workers thought of me. I guess it is just me, it's important to me... my reputation. My AH was an expert at concealing his drinking - but the behavior was apparent to anyone that watched him. I found it embarrassing. I considered him a reflection on me.

Fact is he wasn't. Others saw him for what he was. Since his departure, many have said "I don't know how you put up with it for so long" which is probably the hardest thing to hear.

All in all, I've learned that many, many families have had to deal with the same situation — it is not uncommon at all. People whom I never guessed were dealing with some similar members in their families revealed their compassion and shared their stories. Knowing that and gaining the consideration from friends, neighbors and co-workers really helped me to feel "not so isolated."

Daisy30

((((((HUGS)))))) I know the exact feeling

I was taking my neighbor to his Chemo appt. one day after I left AH. This is the neighbor who let me and the kids stay with them. and He just broke loose with all of these stories about AH I had NO idea about. How he was stealing beer out of his garage and was caught on more than one occasion. How he would throw empties over the fence and hit his house with them.....the list went on. Sad thing is he actually thought I knew.

I guess the best thing that happened when I finally opened up to people around me was they were able to open up to me too. One of my neighbors finally found the strength to kick out her abusive A shortly after I left my AH.

It is good to get it all out.