Introduction
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 75
Introduction
Hi everyone,
I just found this board tonight and I would like to join if that's okay.
I am 36 and live on the west coast of Canada. Early this summer, I met someone in my city who is also 36 and a lawyer in the US. He was moving to oregon and did so. We talked and e-mailed all summer. He was going to return to my city to visit this month. Instead he ended up moving back to texas temporarily to help his aging parents relocate as they retire. We were starting to develop a relationship and decided to spend some time together to see if we wanted to have a relationship. He and his family invited me to Texas for a week earlier this month. I went and had a wonderful time and liked his parents a lot too. We decided to start a relationship, and planned to see each other again next month. The day after I returned we spoke and he told me he could not have a relationship right now because he has a drinking problem and he is "a mess". I was shocked to say the least. We agreed to return to friends for now. That night I was supposed to work at the hospital but my shift was changed. I called him to ask him not to call me at work. His father took the call and said "as a family" we want you and him to discontinue your relationship-he meant no contact at all. I was even more shocked-partly because he is 36 and can make his own decisions and partly because I was already shocked that we ended our new relationship earlier that day. I attempted to talk with him directly the next day and his mom took the call. While she was very sweet, she explained the 3 year history of his drinking problem and told me he needs to focus on sobriety now (which I agree). I am still having trouble understanding the "power" of his parents. They are a very wealthy and well-known family in the US medical field and I wondered if that is why they are making his decisions. Or are they co-dependent? Or both? Since then, two weeks have passed and I have heard from him once by e-mail-a long explanation of his drinking problem and then a "forget about me" attitude. In the meantime, I had sent his parents a thank-you gift for having me stay there, and I sent him a recovery bible and some local chocolate bars. I have asked by e-mail if he received his package and there is no reply. I tracked it with fedex and it was delivered on the 21st. I know I can't have a relationship with him right now, but I truly miss the friendship we have developed this summer. He is a great person and I have been feeling very, very sad about not having him in my life especialy since we had just decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend. What approach should I take with him and his family for the next little while? He seemed to like me as much as I like him and if he does get some sobriety behind him, I would like to pursue a relationship with him. I've had 3 serious relationships and I just was starting to feel that this one could be something amazing. I want to stay in touch with him in a way that he will know that I care about him and am still interested if he stays sober, yet I miss his friendship very much right now. I am not sure how to handle this. By the way, I don't and haven't had any drinking issues of my own. Thanks!!
I just found this board tonight and I would like to join if that's okay.
I am 36 and live on the west coast of Canada. Early this summer, I met someone in my city who is also 36 and a lawyer in the US. He was moving to oregon and did so. We talked and e-mailed all summer. He was going to return to my city to visit this month. Instead he ended up moving back to texas temporarily to help his aging parents relocate as they retire. We were starting to develop a relationship and decided to spend some time together to see if we wanted to have a relationship. He and his family invited me to Texas for a week earlier this month. I went and had a wonderful time and liked his parents a lot too. We decided to start a relationship, and planned to see each other again next month. The day after I returned we spoke and he told me he could not have a relationship right now because he has a drinking problem and he is "a mess". I was shocked to say the least. We agreed to return to friends for now. That night I was supposed to work at the hospital but my shift was changed. I called him to ask him not to call me at work. His father took the call and said "as a family" we want you and him to discontinue your relationship-he meant no contact at all. I was even more shocked-partly because he is 36 and can make his own decisions and partly because I was already shocked that we ended our new relationship earlier that day. I attempted to talk with him directly the next day and his mom took the call. While she was very sweet, she explained the 3 year history of his drinking problem and told me he needs to focus on sobriety now (which I agree). I am still having trouble understanding the "power" of his parents. They are a very wealthy and well-known family in the US medical field and I wondered if that is why they are making his decisions. Or are they co-dependent? Or both? Since then, two weeks have passed and I have heard from him once by e-mail-a long explanation of his drinking problem and then a "forget about me" attitude. In the meantime, I had sent his parents a thank-you gift for having me stay there, and I sent him a recovery bible and some local chocolate bars. I have asked by e-mail if he received his package and there is no reply. I tracked it with fedex and it was delivered on the 21st. I know I can't have a relationship with him right now, but I truly miss the friendship we have developed this summer. He is a great person and I have been feeling very, very sad about not having him in my life especialy since we had just decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend. What approach should I take with him and his family for the next little while? He seemed to like me as much as I like him and if he does get some sobriety behind him, I would like to pursue a relationship with him. I've had 3 serious relationships and I just was starting to feel that this one could be something amazing. I want to stay in touch with him in a way that he will know that I care about him and am still interested if he stays sober, yet I miss his friendship very much right now. I am not sure how to handle this. By the way, I don't and haven't had any drinking issues of my own. Thanks!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Boo
Welcome to our forum and I am happy to have you join us on the road to recovery.
It seems that you have become emotionally involved in a one-way relationship. His parents do seem to be acting inappropriately, and very well may be codependent, but you cannot change them, only they can do that. And he seems to have withdrawn from this relationship too, for whatever reason.
And since he has indicated that the relationship cannot continue, I would suggest that you accept that and move on with your life. Take a read around these boards and you will see that having a relationship with an alcoholic or an addict is very complex and can be extremely disheartening. You cannot save him from his disease, nor will he just "take the cure" and be fine forever. This is a disease he will struggle with the rest of his life.
This may be a blessing in disguise, and whether it is or not, it appears that he is not going to correspond with you so perhaps you could take some time to heal and work on regaining your balance.
Hugs
Ann
Welcome to our forum and I am happy to have you join us on the road to recovery.
It seems that you have become emotionally involved in a one-way relationship. His parents do seem to be acting inappropriately, and very well may be codependent, but you cannot change them, only they can do that. And he seems to have withdrawn from this relationship too, for whatever reason.
And since he has indicated that the relationship cannot continue, I would suggest that you accept that and move on with your life. Take a read around these boards and you will see that having a relationship with an alcoholic or an addict is very complex and can be extremely disheartening. You cannot save him from his disease, nor will he just "take the cure" and be fine forever. This is a disease he will struggle with the rest of his life.
This may be a blessing in disguise, and whether it is or not, it appears that he is not going to correspond with you so perhaps you could take some time to heal and work on regaining your balance.
Hugs
Ann
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Boo and welcome!
I'm going to say something that I NEVER say to anyone - Run for the hills!!!! You've been given a reprieve and a way out and TRUST me, it's for the best. You have NO idea how horrific life can be with a addict or alcoholic. I've lived with addiction in my family my entire life, and I would not wish this dysfunction on anyone!
Whew! Ok, sorry, just had to get that out.
Seriously though, if it's meant to be, it will be. But for now, you should do as Ann suggests and move on with your life. My guess is that something amazing is waiting for you right around the corner. You've already seem a glimpse of the dysfunction that exists within his family and believe me, it's probably just the tip of the iceberg. If he's in recovery, then he truly needs to focus on just that and nothing else. Remember him fondly and get on with your life and who knows, maybe down the road your paths will cross again.
Take care and hugs,
JG
I'm going to say something that I NEVER say to anyone - Run for the hills!!!! You've been given a reprieve and a way out and TRUST me, it's for the best. You have NO idea how horrific life can be with a addict or alcoholic. I've lived with addiction in my family my entire life, and I would not wish this dysfunction on anyone!
Whew! Ok, sorry, just had to get that out.
Seriously though, if it's meant to be, it will be. But for now, you should do as Ann suggests and move on with your life. My guess is that something amazing is waiting for you right around the corner. You've already seem a glimpse of the dysfunction that exists within his family and believe me, it's probably just the tip of the iceberg. If he's in recovery, then he truly needs to focus on just that and nothing else. Remember him fondly and get on with your life and who knows, maybe down the road your paths will cross again.
Take care and hugs,
JG
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Welcome Boo.
I'm late, but I'm opinionated. Ready? His parents are codies AND he's a worm. He is backing away from a responsibility (to tell you himself how things need to be) and they are aiding and abetting.
It's hard to be "just friends" with someone you have romantic feelings for. It seems smart for him to back away from contact right now. But while I give him credit for being that smart, he loses points in the forthright department.
The message is clear. He should have made it clear himself. There are better things to move on to.
Hugs!
Smoke
I'm late, but I'm opinionated. Ready? His parents are codies AND he's a worm. He is backing away from a responsibility (to tell you himself how things need to be) and they are aiding and abetting.
It's hard to be "just friends" with someone you have romantic feelings for. It seems smart for him to back away from contact right now. But while I give him credit for being that smart, he loses points in the forthright department.
The message is clear. He should have made it clear himself. There are better things to move on to.
Hugs!
Smoke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 75
Thanks ladies!
thanks ladies and thank you for the welcome. It has been a rough two weeks for sure and I appreciate your input. Sometimes I put myself in the place of a girlfriend who WOULD say "run for the hills". When romantic feelings are there too (they are) I can still LOGICALLY say leave this one alone, but I see myself getting into the argument with myself of how wonderful a person he is. In one way my brain says "he treats you wonderfully" in another way my brain says "if he were that wonderful to you,he would not have drank while I was in Texas" and the other part says "he can't help it he has a disease-alcoholism" So then I feel tortured!
His mom asked me after I returned if I regretted my visit and I said absolutely not. I did have a great time and really needed a break after a rough hospital schedule this summer.
When I went to bed last night after I joined this group, I felt relieved. I felt that I had someone on "my side" as childish as that sounds. I am going to look into going to a meeting next week.
The other part I haven't mentioned yet is that for one year I worked as an addicitons counselor. Now how embarrassing is that to find myself here and NOT having recognized what was going on? I feel pretty dumb about that.
Tonight when I returned from work there was a message from him asking "didn't I get the LONG e-mail message he sent last night?" Then he stated he'll resend it. Well, there was no long message, and there is still none almost 24 hours later.
I don't know if I did the right thing, but I took the opportunity to respond to his e-mail with a message of my own. Basically I told him I've had time to think and learn and a bit more and that I can be supportive if he wants yet he has to WANT to get better and all that stuff. I told him that just as I cannot say or pray or hope he gets better neither can other people who care about him, like his family.
And in terms of what was our brief relationship, I basically said if it is meant to be in the future and we both are truly ready, then it will happen. I am not generally a fatalist, and I am really mixed up about the role of "God " in fate or recovery, but I am open to learning some more.
His mom asked me after I returned if I regretted my visit and I said absolutely not. I did have a great time and really needed a break after a rough hospital schedule this summer.
When I went to bed last night after I joined this group, I felt relieved. I felt that I had someone on "my side" as childish as that sounds. I am going to look into going to a meeting next week.
The other part I haven't mentioned yet is that for one year I worked as an addicitons counselor. Now how embarrassing is that to find myself here and NOT having recognized what was going on? I feel pretty dumb about that.
Tonight when I returned from work there was a message from him asking "didn't I get the LONG e-mail message he sent last night?" Then he stated he'll resend it. Well, there was no long message, and there is still none almost 24 hours later.
I don't know if I did the right thing, but I took the opportunity to respond to his e-mail with a message of my own. Basically I told him I've had time to think and learn and a bit more and that I can be supportive if he wants yet he has to WANT to get better and all that stuff. I told him that just as I cannot say or pray or hope he gets better neither can other people who care about him, like his family.
And in terms of what was our brief relationship, I basically said if it is meant to be in the future and we both are truly ready, then it will happen. I am not generally a fatalist, and I am really mixed up about the role of "God " in fate or recovery, but I am open to learning some more.
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